Adoption is forever…

…unless it turns out to be sorta hard and you’re tired and you have five of your *own* children, and then maybe it’s not forever, and you can totally return the goods. Well, not return them, but sort of resale them, but not for money. But at least you can be free of them.

Or that’s my take home message after reading the BS explanation given by a “mom” who gave up on her adopted BABY in such a short period of time it makes my head spin. You can read about it here.

I’m writing a super, super long post about it. It’s half way done, painfully long, and disjointed. And I’m packing for Vegas (!) for a weekend trip (because, seriously, I need the two day break right now after the past four weeks), and so it will have to wait until I get back. Trust me, I can’t leg this go.

For now, I’ll just post what I put up on Facebook. As I said, I have a long, long opinion on this. The short version is that the “issues” she noted that made it so difficult to bond with that baby were so minor in my mind it’s laughable. I only wish Matty had had those problems. I kept reading people’s comments along the lines of, “Until you’ve walked a mile in her shoes, don’t judge.” Well, I’ve walked a mile. I kept walking. I didn’t throw the fucking shoes away. She did.

I’d love your thoughts, and on Monday, I’ll put my full post up. For now, a VERY abbreviated opinion:

I have SO many issues with this situation. First and foremost, this child is FAR better off in a home with *real* parents who are capable of being selfless and loving toward a child that is their OWN. That woman did not deserve this baby, never should have been granted the privilege of raising him, and so I couldn’t care less about her now – he’s in a MUCH  better place. Unfortunately, she made the super STUPID decision in the first place to adopt (I have my opinions on her motivation), and so this child has been screwed and rejected twice. No matter how she tries to spin this situation, she’s selfish. If she weren’t, she wouldn’t have put this kids’ huge heartache, loss, and rejection out there for the world to read about.

Second, this highlights my HUGE issue with adoption agencies and social workers. She should have easily been screened out. Aside from her obvious issues, the family situation was such that an adoption probably wasn’t a good idea. However, nobody from the home study agency shows up at your house and asks the hard questions, like “Hey, you just might adopt a BABY that has been neglected and abused, engages in upsetting self soothing behaviors, is angry, won’t want you to hold him, will hit you, won’t make eye contact, needs a lot of time and effort to bond, might not sleep more than half an hour at a time, might have physical and developmental delays that will require lots of speech and occupational and physical therapy, and might take over a year to begin to resemble what you’d call a “happy, adjusted” child. So, you up for the challenge?” And then if someone’s not, the AGENCY should not accept them. But that’s easy for me to say when I’m not collecting tens of thousands of dollars as a brokering service, right? Adoption is a multi-billion dollar business. The idea of doing the right thing, well, that’s just crazy talk. (Except the agency we used for Molley? They do that.  They don’t hide anything. They give the worst case scenario. I was shocked in the best way possible. Novel, huh?)

And finally, if you google her name, in my opinion, it becomes quickly and painfully obvious why she is doing this. Attention, publicity seeking behavior. Disruptions of YOUNG BABIES (under one year) who are PHYSICALLY healthy are not common. She’s not out there for the similarly situated family to see and relate to. She’s looking to make a bigger name for herself and promote herself and her career, as far as I can tell.

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Told you this was abbreviated. My real post is 3,000 words and counting. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that what we went through during Matty’s first year with us was the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life. I’ve never given the full picture here, nor will I, but I think it’s fair to say that it was anything but easy.

But we made a commitment. He wasn’t a puppy from the pound or a car from the dealership. He was a BABY that Ed and I committed to raising. And you know what? It was a year. One year. One little, tiny fucking year. And now? One year of exhaustion, not sleeping, being sick, being emotionally and physically beat up, worn down, and crushed was a down payment on our entire future with an INCREDIBLE little boy who is so full of love and joy and happiness that I often don’t have the words to convey my feelings. It took me a full year to completely and totally feel like his mom. Now? Oh my gosh, I don’t even know where to start. He is the most incredible son a mother could want. He makes my world go round. He and Molley (with whom I am still building the strong attachment I now have with Matty) are the most incredible people born. Really, they are. Does that feeling come instantly for everyone? Sure didn’t for me? Do you give up because it didn’t? I think you know how I feel about that.

(Also, so many people who have adopted and who support her adopted OLDER children, not babies. you cannot compare the two situations. A baby under a year is very, very different than a child or a teenager.)

My bottom line is that she had no business with this baby, shouldn’t have made such a careless decision to adopt in the first place, shouldn’t have been approved by an agency, and did the (pathetic, cop out, but ultimately) right thing FOR THE BABY after it became apparent to her that she was a selfish person, but had NO BUSINESS putting his tragic situation out there for the world to learn about and is not entitled to public support whatsoever. (Why weren’t the real, tough questions asked of her in the new interview, BTW?)  It’s 2009; this WILL catch up to that little boy. Google her. Seriously, do it. Form an opinion on why she wrote it. Then tell me what you think.