Have you given up on me? :)

I nearly forgot my blog address!

The short story is that we’re right in the middle of a move, dealing with Matty’s medical situation, and preparing for his surgery tomorrow morning.

But we all know I can’t keep anything short, so here’s the long story. We’re right in the middle of a move that came about sort of suddenly when I hit my wall with the driving between two states with two babies all. the. damn. time and staying in an apartment while in the other state, where the kids share a room, where said room sharing stopped working on the last trip.

I really did hit my wall. It takes a lot. Trust me. If you’ve been around me the past two years, you’ll know that’s true. It takes a LOT for me to finally say, “Nope. Can’t do this any more. Done.”

So, we found a new place, dealt with all the paperwork and whatnot, and got that situation in order. The kids and I were supposed to stay for two more weeks, but then I hit an even bigger wall – a really huge one made of concrete, I think – so I woke up the morning after all the paperwork was done, told Ed to load the car, and I left with both kids. I have to say that even though he wouldn’t admit it, Ed was probably relieved b/c the kids were so CRAZY that I don’t know how he could even concentrate on work. I couldn’t even think clearly. Nobody was napping, sleeping schedules were a mess, and everyone was on edge. And that was it. I said that next time I come back, it’s going to be to meet the movers so they can unpack all of our $hit ’cause I’m d.o.n.e.

Nice attitude, huh?

For the past week and a half, I’ve been TEARING through our home, weeding everything out, donating tons of stuff, selling some on Cr@ig’s List (LOVE Cr@ig’s, by the way), and attempting to get everything in order for the packers and the movers. It’s ridiculous how much work this is when I’m not even doing the packing or the moving. Oh, wait, that’s not all. I’ve dealt with several dishonest, nasty, irritating moving companies. I told one guy to get out of my house and another that if I wanted an ass pounding, I’d bend over and ask for it, but because I wasn’t in the mood, I was going to take a pass. I felt like I was on Punk’d most of the time. What a joke.

DON’T LOVE MOVING COMPANIES.

However, right when I was about to start preemptively punching the sales guys/estimators in the face as they walked through my front door, we got lucky. Great guy, honest, helpful. AND? He helped me out with one of the most difficult decisions I’ve made. We found a new home for my doggy.

I can’t talk too much about it or I’ll start crying again like I did for the first three days, but basically she has spent the last six months living under my bed or under the ottoman in the loft. When we’re in the other state, she lives under the coffee table.  She has HATED her life for a long, long time. We even discussed antidepressants with the vet about three months ago, but part of the medication plan is working with the dog and her circumstances to improve them so she can go off the meds. Unless the kids are going to age about five years in a few months and I’m going to stop being drop dead tired all the time, the circumstances around here are not changing. My dog is soooo good with the kids. SO good. Way better than any dog, especially an eight year old one, could possibly be. She’s NEVER once snapped at or bitten them. In fact, there have been times where I know they’ve deserved it. They’re very nice to her, but they love her like babies love dogs – rough and tumble. They lay on her, bear hug her, dress her up, put Molley’s hair bows in her hair, make efforts to “comb” her hair, etc. I’m always on them, but they’re little kids and this is what little kids do. I’ve been talking about it so as to maybe move in this direction for about six months. This move prompted me to finally do the right thing b/c of where we’re moving. More on that in a minute. Anyway, it was HORRIBLE and hard and sad and I felt like someone was stomping on my heart. I cried and cried like a little school girl at the new family’s house. Thank goodness they’re so nice or they might have called the cops. I didn’t do well. The kids said goodbye, but I know they’re too young to totally understand what happened, which is a very good thing. Matty and Molley both still talk about her every day as if she’s still here, but they’re not upset. Every time one of them says her name, *I* cry, but they’re okay.

Her new family is amazing, perfect, and loving. They have another little dog – one of the things we would have needed to do to make Gidgie happy was to get another dog, but I can barely handle what we have going on so it wasn’t going to happen - and an 11 year old girl and a 13 year old boy who were SO excited to have a sweet little lap dog. The young girl was just in love with her from the moment she met Gidgie. My dog is that kind of dog – just so sweet and easy to love. The woman who took her has been so kind and has emailed me almost every day to let me know how she’s doing. Today’s update was the best – she’s now playing with their other little dog, which just so happens to be a Chihuahua mix. My parents’ two dogs are Chi mixes and Gidg ADORES them, so I knew this was the perfect home for her. She also gets to sleep in bed with the kids or the parents and is treated like royalty. Lately, I’ve barely had time to pet her. Isn’t that horrible?  Ever since Mattix came home, he became my priority, then Molley, and then on top of it all, staying well,  dealing with their medical stuff, trying not to die myself, and living in two states…the dog got the short end of the stick and I knew it was super selfish to keep her. My heart is breaking still, but she’s happy, so that’s what matters. But I’m really, really sad.

As far as where we’re moving, I’m beyond excited. Moving is icky for me…I’m one of those people that finds it very unsettling…but where we’re moving is indescribably perfect. Same size as our house, but it’s a condo, so there’s not a “personal” three car garage garage. So, basically, we’re having to weed out everything in our garage (minus the cars!) and pare down to what we want to keep b/c it has to fit in two “storage lockers” that are the length of two parking spaces. In place of the yard is a HUGE deck that’s about the same size as our yard with amazing views of the bay and downtown. Same size house, but a few less rooms, less storage, etc. So MASSIVE downsizing. This is a VERY good thing. We’re heavily entertaining the possibility of moving overseas in two years, so this is a great place to begin preparing for something like that, should we decide to do it.

Which leads me to the next issue I’ve dealt with this past week. It’s a little thing called overcompensation. I now realize that it is what I did with Mattix for a solid year in an effort to mitigate the fact that my Bug hadn’t ever seen or touched a freaking TOY for the first ten months of his life, despite the fact that I KNOW many families did just what we did and took lots and lots of them to his orphanage. Yes, I attempted to make up for that by buying him everything under the sun. I went through all of my kids toys and realized that if you walked into the toy department of T@rget, you’d find that we had just about every last toy for the three and under crowd. In our backyard was every large yard toy possible – swing set, play house, sandbox, water table, Cozy Coupes, trucks, basketball hoops, baseball Ts (like a two year old even gives a $hit about a baseball T) and more. In the garage was an insane amount of ride on toys, wagons, bikes, etc. And in our house was a flipping day care center. I’m truly ashamed of my behavior. I’m not being sarcastic for once; I mean it. It was ridiculous. It won’t happen again. I’ve talked with family about gifts for birthdays/Christmas – one “big” item and only a few small things, which could include clothes, and I’ve talked to Ed about how I could have really screwed up my kids. I believe that it’s impossible to spoil children when it comes to love, affection, attention, discipline, etc. Basically, I don’t think you can love your kids too much or give them too much attention. HOWEVER, I think it’s very easy to spoil children with stuff, and I wouldn’t ever want them to gain a sense of entitlement b/c *I* had an issue, especially when they’re so young. This whole purging was a result of a necessary moving situation, but it’s been a very good thing. I got rid of 2/3’s of their stuff, yet if you walked around here, you’d never know it. They still have PLENTY of toys and possessions. PLENTY. It gave me an opportunity to realize what they actually like, and what just takes up space. For example, Matty loves his train table and his Lego table, but didn’t care about half the toys I had upstairs. The great thing is that Mattix is just young enough that giving away a lot of toys didn’t affect him. I sold a lot of the yard toys on Craig’s and he was more than happy to help load them into people’s cars.

Anyway, I’m done with that. My mom told me that it’s okay b/c they are still young enough that they don’t have a sense of entitlement yet and that at least I realized this before they gained one.  Also, I never bought them things when we were in stores and they “asked.” I mean, obviously only Matty could ask, not Molley, but that never happened. It was more of, “Oh, Matty, by the way, here’s a new truck!” And then I’d sit there and hope he loved it. So I guess I want to put it in context. I don’t have a child that breaks down begging and crying b/c he wants something in a store. Usually when we’re out, he’ll look at toys and then put them back and happily leave without them. He’s not yet old enough to ask for a toy or throw a fit when I say “no.” I’m sure that’s coming….

Beyond that, I’m a pretty neat person. I don’t really keep crap. So, the fact of the matter is that this is time consuming b/c I’m weeding through things that aren’t just random junk and eliminating the unnecessary, but the unnecessary isn’t really crap. It’s going really well, but I’m VERY worn out, the kids aren’t getting the attention they need and deserve and are acting out accordingly (a lot), and I’ve been working all of our medical appointments in between everything.

Before I move in a direction of bitching, I found the following quote the other day:

Our attitude determines whether we tell the truth or lie, act or procrastinate, advance or recede, and by our own attitude we and we alone actually decide whether to succeed or fail. Attitude determines choice, and choice determines results. Attitude is everything.”

The first part of that sort of applies to someone who came back into my life after many, many years. I don’t have anything to say about that here, but it’s a situation that hurt me and bummed me out. I’m not the dumb, naive girl often ever, so I felt really upset that on the rare occasion that I was totally trusting, I took one for the team. And the worst part is that *I* am the one who recognized the situation for what it was and had to walk away from it. Not even the person who created it. Despite what my mom told me the other day, I think that I look at most situations cynically and with a critical eye. Or maybe I’m cynical and un-trusting except when it comes to people I care about. I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t like what happened, it had nothing to do with me and wasn’t my issue, but in the end, it hurt my feelings. It sucked.

But anyway, the point of the quote – that attitude is everything – is what I’m hanging onto right now.  Moving ain’t my thing. I’ve heard many times that for some people, moving ranks third to death and divorce as far as trauma. I hate to admit it, but I think that could apply to me.

However, ever since our first adoption, I’ve changed. A lot. I barely recognize many parts of myself as compared to the person I was two and a half years ago. I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought, and I’ve always been capable of A LOT. Before my kids, I’d been through a lot, but I had nooooo idea what “a lot” was.  Perspective, right? I didn’t sleep for six months while I stayed up all night, held down, and rocked a child that screamed bloody murder and punched me in the face. I learned how to teach a child what it meant to be treated like a human being. I learned how strong – emotionally and physically - that I am.  I mean, really, we’re just moving. And so I’m approaching this, which is much less significant,  like I have everything else over the past two years: with a positive attitude (or at least the most positive attitude I can muster).  I’m going to do my best to focus on the good parts and deal with the rest. I never thought I’d be able to travel to a foreign country with limited electricity, dirty water, and no food that I could eat and love every minute of my experience. I never thought I’d lay in bed while we were there  with some weird sickness that made me feel like I’d had a horrible flu virus for two weeks, when in fact I had it for just eight hours, curled up in a ball, freezing and sweating alternately, and think, “I’m going to be fine. As long as I don’t dehydrate, I’m going to be fine. And I have to be fine…so much more to see!” So, yeah, we’re just moving and I’m going to be fine.

And to end on a really, really selfish note, if I haven’t commented on your blog in the past two months, can you either leave me a link here or email it to me? First and foremost, I have a few hundred unread posts in Reader, so there’s a good chance I’m just behind. Second, several friends have started private blogs and those emails with that info got lost in my inbox among the 3,500 plus UNREAD emails that live there. Finally, as for existing blogs, one of my kids (I won’t give the culprit away – he he he) got a hold of my HELL (aka DELL) while I had Google Reader open. I don’t know what happened, but what I do know is that there are now approximately half the number of blogs that there used to be in Reader. I need to get back in the loop! If you send me an email, I’ll make sure to sit down on my computer (vs. the Crackberry) and go through and add each one. THANK YOU!

Lots of positive thoughts and/or prayers for Matty’s surgery tomorrow, please. I HATE it when he goes under anesthesia. Compared to some kids, I know it’s not a lot, but this is his fourth time under in a year and the effects suck. I really appreciate the advice you guys offered on my post about that and the emails you sent. I talked to the anesthesiologist and we’re going to try something different this time. Hopefully it will be easier on him. Regardless, this surgery will be on both of his little eyes and it makes Mommy Laura nervous. Thank you!

Busy!

Busy, busy, busy! We’re busy! Nobody around here has taken a single photo of the kids in almost a month. How horrible is that?

We have lots of changes coming our way and instead of focusing on the stressful parts, I’m going to embrace them and be excited. I mean, it’s not like the last two years of my life haven’t been totally random, out of control,  and tumultuous. They’ve been great, but they haven’t been easy. At least we have a tiny bit of control over this one. Okay, so not really control over the situation as a whole, but we can control the specifics, so I’m hanging onto that…And there’s a big silver lining, so that’s wonderful.

This post is going to be short and sweet (for me…short and sweet for me!). Both kids are doing SO well. Mattix began saying, “I lug you SOOOOOOOOOOo much, Mommy!” and “I lug you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much, Daddy!” and “I lug you, too, Molley!” completely on his own and spontaneously about two weeks ago. He does it several times a day and oh my gosh, every time he says it, I melt into a puddle on the floor. It’s almost too much to handle. The sweetest thing ever. The other thing that is just killing me lately is Mattix and Molley’s recent  displays of affection for each other. One will decide s/he wants a kiss and will run up to the other with lips pursed, making the “mmmmmmm” sound, until s/he gets the kiss. It’s sooo damn cute.  They have the best relationship. Make no mistakes – they are brother and sister and are a year and a half apart. Someone is getting punched in the gut or kicked in the head throughout the day, but they love each other just as intensely. Both kiddos just have big personalities – everything they do is big. I love them for that, even if it leaves me pulling my hair out. Often.

My other favorite thing as of late is Mattix’s adoption of the “BIIIIIIG HUG!” from Yo Gabba. He literally runs at Molley full speed from across the room, takes her down football tackle style, and once she’s down, gives her a huge hug and yells, “BIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGG Hug, Ms. Molley!” Then he gets up and walks off like nothing happened. Molley sits there for a solid two minutes, staring, with this look on her face that says, “What the HELL just happened here?!?!”

Speaking of Gabba, the kids are learning all sorts of lessons. Among many other things, Molley can count to five courtesy of Gaba, Mattix announces “I’m so happy!” when he’s feeling genuinely happy courtesy of Gaba, and whenever Molley makes a valiant effort to bite Mattix, which happens more often than I’d like (once every other day, which is less than a few months ago), Mattix begins singing, “Don’t…bite…don’t bite your friends! MOL-LEY!” He says “Molley” in the most accusing tone and it’s hilarious.  What’s even better is that she announces, “No bite!” Dude, then don’t bite! Before Mattix gets tot he lesson part, though, his reaction when he KNOWS he’s about to get bit is priceless.  First of all, biting is TERRIBLE and IMO, it’s worse than a smack or hair pull. HOWEVER, whenever Molley goes after him, he more or less has it coming. And he knows it. He SCREAMS, “NO, MOLLEY, NO!” and immediately puts one hand on her forehead to keep her face off of him. He maneuvers like this for several minutes while she makes impressive  efforts to break free and bite him, all the while yelling with her mouth open, teeth bared. Eventually, Mattix makes a break for it  and runs to me, screaming like a girl. He always screams the same thing, “NO, MOLLEY! NO BITING! HELP ME, MOMMY! HELP ME!” Molley’s bitin’!” I usually manage to keep it together, but it’s hard.  Funny aside, Molley has to stop biting. She doesn’t attempt to bite anyone but Mattix, but when she does it, it’s no holds barred.  And I don’t want to make it sound like I’m just hanging around, amused, while this happens. I’m always on top of it, but the above scenario unfolds in a matter of seconds.

Molley seems to grow a quarter inch a day. I’m pretty sure she’ll take Matty during the next four months in the height department, which is just awesome and funny. She is sooo thin, which makes it difficult for me to find jeans for the upcoming winter. Twelve months are too short, but they slide right off of her. Hmmmm….super tall and super thin…two things about which I know nothing.  I mean, at 5′7″ and 1…. Anyway, must be nice! She’s so smart – too smart – and crazy talkative. And super dramatic, which is very new to me, but entertaining. I love having one child of each gender. We’re having a really great time with the kids.

Finally, please keep your fingers crossed that these crappy after-effects of Matty’s latest anesthesia experience wear off soon. This happened a year ago when he had two surgeries. My Bug had not woken up ONCE during the night in a year (can you even believe that? this kid?) until his latest anesthesia. He now wakes up regularly, screaming bloody murder. It takes a while to get him calmed down. I know it’s from the anesthesia b/c this is exactly what happened last time. I don’t know exactly what is happening. Whether he’s just having bad dreams in general or specific ones about his past, but it tears my heart out. It’s horrible. And the really crappy part is he has a surgery coming up in about three weeks or so, which means we’re going to start over. Please keep fingers crossed for this to pass b/c it sucks for him. Terribly.

Hmmm…so this wasn’t short at all. Oops. Go figure. Brevity isn’t my strong point.  I know I keep saying it, but I’m going to get that PW out soon. Also, I’m SUPER excited because I’m beginning an adoption education consulting project. It’s for a pediatric clinic and I’m really looking forward to get started. The person who originally contacted me is great to work with and I’m truly looking excited to complete it over the next month. What a great opportunity to do something about which I feel so passionately.

I’m very slowing making my way through Reader and plan to post more than once a week. I’ll write about our big changes once I get that PW out…

Six Months with Molley!

Six months ago today, we met Ms. Molley for the first time. Wow!  It is very difficult for me to wrap my mind around that, mainly because that seems like a lifetime ago. Truly, my girl went from having the physical capacity of a four month old to a that of a very on-track 13 month old (seriously) in less than six months.She was so tiny at 7.5 months; she weighed less than 13 pounds. She seemed so frail, so frail, I was afraid I was going to break hurt her when I lifted her little legs by the ankles to change her diapers (every hour). She was just an itty bitty little baby, really, even though her age suggested otherwise. She could only sit up like a little tripod and wanted to spend all of her time lying in my arms. Really, that’s all she wanted. She was just such a tiny thing. Now? Holy cow, the girl doesn’t want to hold still. She’s an insanely busy 13 month old who works harder and harder every day to keep up with her big brother…and she’s doing a damn good job of it!

 So many great things have happened as far as attachment and development. First and foremost, she went from losing her mind if she wasn’t sitting on me, in my arms, or touching me 24 hours a day to playing independently ( well, with Matty mostly, but a little on her own) and touching base with me frequently, so long as I’m in the room or at least on the same floor in the house.  She doesn’t freak out if I walk into another room most of the time (*most of the time*), but rather walks toward where she thinks I went, calling, “MAAAAMAAAA! MAAAAMAAA! Mommy! Mommy!” over and over. She does go through periods of pretty serious crying when she’s feeling insecure, but I am so pleased with how much she is trusting that we will indeed be here. She doesn’t like me to leave her sight when we’re out in public, but that’s a great thing for now, as far as I’m concerned.

We were able to move Molley from our bed (where she resided for at least two months) to a pack and play in our room (where she resided for another three and a half), to the pack and play in HER room! Almost two weeks now. Woo hoo! I’m guessing we can try the crib soon, but to be honest, I don’t want to push my luck. With all of the traveling back and forth we do, there’s no reason to live dangerously and risk starting over. The VERY BEST part is that she is rarely asleep when we lay her down for naps or bed time. We give her a bottle (which she often drinks less than half of), she drinks what she wants as she rubs our arm or face, then she looks up and says, “nigh nigh!” At that point, we simply lay her down in the pack and play and she falls asleep on her own. I know, right?!?! NEVER thought we’d get here. To me, that’s a great sign of growing security.  That little girl was so afraid of being left that getting her to sleep – and keeping her asleep – was HELL.  She fought tooth and nail to remain awake, just so that we couldn’t leave. Now? Not so much any more. She still wakes in the night often enough, and wakes up every morning at the ass crack of dawn, but I’m able to get her back to sleep without too much struggle most of the time. We seem to have a really difficult night once every week or ten days, but compared to how things were, I’m not complaining.

She’s brilliant. Seriously, she is! She has so many words I couldn’t count, but at least 50. She began stringing two and three words together a month or so ago. When I came home from Vegas, Ed brought the kids into the airport. I brought them a few pieces of chocolate, which both of them LOVE. After Molley ate her piece, she attempted to dig through my purse. When I told her not to do that and asked what she wanted, she said, “Want some. More. ME!” and pointed to herself. Cute, huh? She has a concept of numbers and will bring me up to three of an object and tell me how many she has. Today, she found an old sippy of water under the table, brought it over along with her clean sippy, and said, “Two wa-wa!” Smart girl. She counts to three so far, can follow instructions (if she’s so inclined) like nobody’s business, and has no problem telling me “Noooo” in this semi-dainty, semi-sassy voice, all the while shaking her head. When she gets really mad, she points her finger at the offending part and yells in gibberish. Hilarious. Matty got a talking to today.

She’s a biter. Ouch, she’s a biter. Matty knows when it’s coming. It’s not funny, but it’s hilarious. He screams like a girl, puts one hand on her forehead so as to keep her mouth off of him, and yells, “No, Molley, NO!” When she manages to wrangle out of his grip, which she always does, he climbs me like a tree! We HAVE to break this b/c it is not okay at all, so if anyone has any suggestions besides wiring her jaw shut, I’m all ears. She is very passionate about life, just like Matty, but maybe with girly-intensified emotions. When she’s happy, she’s over the top happy, and when she’s mad…well, watch out.

She loves her family, identifies “mommy,” “daddy,” “MaMaw,” “Papa, and “Ma-ex” by name. She also identifies herself as “Monney,” as that’s what Matty called her before he figured out the “l’s,” which I have to admit made me a little sad. Molley gives the BEST hugs and kisses and demands both all of the time. Seriously, her kisses are insane. She makes the best kissy lips and the smack is way loud. I love that. I also love that she’s already following us, saying, “Squeeze!” when she hugs us. It’s so cute to hear that in her sweet voice.

There’s so much more, but I’m tired! Our girl is so special and fits into this family so well. She is so different, yet so similar. Her sense of humor is really beginning to develop (she has started laughing at herself when she does something silly or falls but doesn’t get hurt, whereas she used to throw a full on drama fit when she fell, even if she wasn’t hurt), she’s bonding well with Mattix, Ed, and me, and she’s establishing her place in our family. I truly adore and love her. Her genuine smile (I say that b/c she has already learned the cheese smile and in fact says, “CHEESE!” when giving it) lights up the room, without a doubt. She has the ability to smile at someone and change their whole mood. Strangers are constantly commenting on her beautiful, genuine smile. And they’re right. It is magnificent.

My attachment to Molley is growing daily, too. A six month post would be dishonest if i didn’t include that part. If you recall, I occasionally shared my journey to actually feeling, genuinely and completely, like Matty’s mom. To have that insane, overwhelming feeling that words cannot capture, took close to a year for me. And I said a while back that I was frustrated right off the bat this time around b/c now that I KNOW what that feels like in the end, it’s hard not to feel it that intensely right away. It’s very, very frustrating. But I knew this was coming and I’m actually really paying attention to and enjoying my growing feelings for Molley. To be clear, I love her without a doubt and would do anything in this world for her. She is MY daughter. My little girl. She is perfect. It just takes time for me to arrive at the feeling that I would guess most biological and many/most adoptive parents feel from the get go – that insane, fills-your-heart-to-the-point-of-exploding, oh-my-gosh-i-have-to-live-forever-just-for-this-little-person feeling. I also know that it doesn’t come instantly to everyone. Last time, I sometimes wondered whether it was Matty’s circumstances and the hard work we had to do to help him overcome those that interfered with my ability to feel those things immediately. However, I also guessed that it was just my personality and the way I am. It’s more the latter. But I’m trying to really pay attention this time so that I can note those feelings evolving, and they are, and I LOVE it. Molley is so easy to love.

We’ve been blessed twice in this family and I couldn’t be more grateful. The past six months haven’t been easy by any stretch of the imagination, but just like last time, I’d never change a thing. In just one and a half months, she’ll have been with us as long as she was in the orphanage in Ethiopia. Already, I feel like we’re nearing a great place as far as dealing with the lingering affects of institutionalization. Her secure attachment to us is a lifelong journey, but the issues that come from being in a group care situation are improving. Of course, they weren’t severe to begin with b/c she did receive excellent care FOR THAT SETTING, but the rather serious things have really worked themselves out.

We love you, Molley!

Adoption is forever…

…unless it turns out to be sorta hard and you’re tired and you have five of your *own* children, and then maybe it’s not forever, and you can totally return the goods. Well, not return them, but sort of resale them, but not for money. But at least you can be free of them.

Or that’s my take home message after reading the BS explanation given by a “mom” who gave up on her adopted BABY in such a short period of time it makes my head spin. You can read about it here.

I’m writing a super, super long post about it. It’s half way done, painfully long, and disjointed. And I’m packing for Vegas (!) for a weekend trip (because, seriously, I need the two day break right now after the past four weeks), and so it will have to wait until I get back. Trust me, I can’t leg this go.

For now, I’ll just post what I put up on Facebook. As I said, I have a long, long opinion on this. The short version is that the “issues” she noted that made it so difficult to bond with that baby were so minor in my mind it’s laughable. I only wish Matty had had those problems. I kept reading people’s comments along the lines of, “Until you’ve walked a mile in her shoes, don’t judge.” Well, I’ve walked a mile. I kept walking. I didn’t throw the fucking shoes away. She did.

I’d love your thoughts, and on Monday, I’ll put my full post up. For now, a VERY abbreviated opinion:

I have SO many issues with this situation. First and foremost, this child is FAR better off in a home with *real* parents who are capable of being selfless and loving toward a child that is their OWN. That woman did not deserve this baby, never should have been granted the privilege of raising him, and so I couldn’t care less about her now – he’s in a MUCH  better place. Unfortunately, she made the super STUPID decision in the first place to adopt (I have my opinions on her motivation), and so this child has been screwed and rejected twice. No matter how she tries to spin this situation, she’s selfish. If she weren’t, she wouldn’t have put this kids’ huge heartache, loss, and rejection out there for the world to read about.

Second, this highlights my HUGE issue with adoption agencies and social workers. She should have easily been screened out. Aside from her obvious issues, the family situation was such that an adoption probably wasn’t a good idea. However, nobody from the home study agency shows up at your house and asks the hard questions, like “Hey, you just might adopt a BABY that has been neglected and abused, engages in upsetting self soothing behaviors, is angry, won’t want you to hold him, will hit you, won’t make eye contact, needs a lot of time and effort to bond, might not sleep more than half an hour at a time, might have physical and developmental delays that will require lots of speech and occupational and physical therapy, and might take over a year to begin to resemble what you’d call a “happy, adjusted” child. So, you up for the challenge?” And then if someone’s not, the AGENCY should not accept them. But that’s easy for me to say when I’m not collecting tens of thousands of dollars as a brokering service, right? Adoption is a multi-billion dollar business. The idea of doing the right thing, well, that’s just crazy talk. (Except the agency we used for Molley? They do that.  They don’t hide anything. They give the worst case scenario. I was shocked in the best way possible. Novel, huh?)

And finally, if you google her name, in my opinion, it becomes quickly and painfully obvious why she is doing this. Attention, publicity seeking behavior. Disruptions of YOUNG BABIES (under one year) who are PHYSICALLY healthy are not common. She’s not out there for the similarly situated family to see and relate to. She’s looking to make a bigger name for herself and promote herself and her career, as far as I can tell.

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Told you this was abbreviated. My real post is 3,000 words and counting. If you’ve read my blog for any length of time, you know that what we went through during Matty’s first year with us was the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life. I’ve never given the full picture here, nor will I, but I think it’s fair to say that it was anything but easy.

But we made a commitment. He wasn’t a puppy from the pound or a car from the dealership. He was a BABY that Ed and I committed to raising. And you know what? It was a year. One year. One little, tiny fucking year. And now? One year of exhaustion, not sleeping, being sick, being emotionally and physically beat up, worn down, and crushed was a down payment on our entire future with an INCREDIBLE little boy who is so full of love and joy and happiness that I often don’t have the words to convey my feelings. It took me a full year to completely and totally feel like his mom. Now? Oh my gosh, I don’t even know where to start. He is the most incredible son a mother could want. He makes my world go round. He and Molley (with whom I am still building the strong attachment I now have with Matty) are the most incredible people born. Really, they are. Does that feeling come instantly for everyone? Sure didn’t for me? Do you give up because it didn’t? I think you know how I feel about that.

(Also, so many people who have adopted and who support her adopted OLDER children, not babies. you cannot compare the two situations. A baby under a year is very, very different than a child or a teenager.)

My bottom line is that she had no business with this baby, shouldn’t have made such a careless decision to adopt in the first place, shouldn’t have been approved by an agency, and did the (pathetic, cop out, but ultimately) right thing FOR THE BABY after it became apparent to her that she was a selfish person, but had NO BUSINESS putting his tragic situation out there for the world to learn about and is not entitled to public support whatsoever. (Why weren’t the real, tough questions asked of her in the new interview, BTW?)  It’s 2009; this WILL catch up to that little boy. Google her. Seriously, do it. Form an opinion on why she wrote it. Then tell me what you think.