Is it an adoption thing or a toddler thing or both? Or does it even matter?

First, thanks for all your thoughts and comments on my last post. I appreciated hearing your opinions , including the opposing ones. I hadn’t thought of some of what Sarah mentioned and it makes sense. I just look at my little Matty and think that there’s no way he’ll be old enough in four years to be out riding around our huge neighborhood, unsupervised, without friends or anyone looking in on him.  I’m still bothered by the situation, so I do think if I see her again I might try to find her parents.

Another long one. For an equally long day.

Today just about did me in. Really. Nothing even terribly dramatic, but the cumulative effect of sleeping three-ish hours a night for the past four nights, the just-starting-to-feel better, but then catching a cold (and it’s not a big deal at all), the trying to get into a groove with two kids but struggling a little more than I’d like, the reality of our living situation for the foreseeable future…and my adorable, spirited, two year old.

Mattix has not been falling asleep at night. I need to explain this because it’s not a bedtime battle, it’s not a screaming and crying situation, it’s not even difficult. We put on his jammies, read the same Olivia book, brush his teeth, turn on his humidifier, and “toss’ him into his crib every night. And he smiles and says “nigh nigh” and tells me he loves me. And I cover him with his blankee and I leave the room, saying “Night night, Matty. Love you” a few times. Same EXACT thing. Every night. Except for the past week? He just doesn’t go to sleep. He totally kicks it in his crib, talking, recapping his day, singing his favorite songs (“E-I-E-I-O, with a moo moo oh and a moo moo oh…” – love his interpretations), flipping and flopping around. He has always done that….but not for three or more hours.

There’s no point going in there. Tried that – it just sort of starts the whole process over again. He doesn’t need me or want me. If he does, he calls me. Trust me. He calls me. Loudly. Repeatedly. But during these nighttime situations, he doesn’t need me.  The problem is that he is not getting enough sleep, and as freaking hilarious as this is, because mine is the kid that did. not. sleep for like a year, the boy needs his sleep. Also, Mattix always wakes up in the morning happy. Very happy. And he always wakes up from his naps cranky and pissy. Always cranky and pissy.

I mentioned a while back that I replaced nighttime milk bottles with water. It was going just fine. In fact, at night, instead of asking for “mmmuuulk,” he began asking for his “walker bokkle.”  Then, a few nights ago, he began begging for milk again. Begging, not asking. I was generally able to talk him out of it, but the first thing he’d say in the morning was, “Muulllk!” and he’d be cranky as all hell, as he is when he wakes up from his naps, and he’d cry until I filled up a baby bottle with milk.

Selfish mommy note: I can take the crank after naps. The latter portion of the day is much shorter than the entire first portion, which begins some time between 5:00 and 7:00 and lasts until 2:00. It’s very, very hard on me when he wakes up this way in the morning. I hate mornings, I’m always tired, and there’s a whole lotta hours between wake up time and nap time.

This morning, he cried and cried for milk. The really big bummer is that we were out of milk. He was not okay. I was not okay. I’d been up since 4:30, courtesy of Molley’s new schedule, after going to bed at 1:00 a.m. because Molley didn’t go to bed until nearly 11:00 and I need my own winding down time, and the whining and the crying and the jerky foot stomping were quite undesirable. I was finally able to distract him with a Popsicle. In my defense, I make my own Popsicles out of a 50-50 mixture of 100% juice and  water, so yeah.  

So today was long and shitty. Thank goodness we spent a lot of it with my mom, running errands and whatnot. Today was a day I could not bear to be home alone with the kids. When Matty is in this sort of mood, nothing makes it better, but at least he is more distract-able out of the house. Today involved his first huge public meltdown wherein I had to literally drag him out of a store by the arm. Luckily, it was a children’s store, but still. Today, he was intentionally mean to Molley and pinched her, right in front of me, just because he wanted to be mean. Today, he shoved at me for no reason. Today, he intentionally kicked me in face while on the changing table, which event followed a huge struggle just to get him on there. Mattix is not physically aggressive or mean. It took a whole lotta work to get to this point. I mean, I spent my first few months with him being bitch slapped regularly and kicked senseless, but we worked really hard and he’s not a physical kid. So today was very out of character and unsettling.

I opted not to come home in time for naps. Today, I admitted defeat. I was so tired I just didn’t care.  I didn’t have it in me to go through the routine with both kids. In fact, I was so tired that I lost my shit with the kids in the car. Badly. Some asshole flipped a U against the red directly in front of me (I had a green light and was heading straight through it, going the speed limit, which was fast enough to cause a very bad accident). I don’t know how I didn’t hit him. I really don’t know. We were lucky today. I had my babies and my mom in the car and I nearly threw up on myself. It’s the closest I’ve been to being in a really bad accident since the last time I was in a really bad accident, except this time my whole world was in the SUV with me. I laid on the horn b/c I was so mad and panicked and do you know what the piece of shit did? He rolled down the window and flipped me off, screaming. HE RAN A  RED. He actually came around the car in front of him, who was at a dead stop behind the intersection, to do it. I lost my shit. I mean lost it. I rolled my window down so he could hear me. I slowed my car down to make sure he did. My mouth was unacceptable. My mom told me Mattix was going to learn to flip people off and I told her I’d be pleased. Lost it. I know this might surprise most of you, but I generally have my mouth under control around my kids. He continued driving erratically, so the only peace I have is that my mom called the non-emergency police line and reported him as possibly drunk, and they came and pulled him over.

But anyway, I don’t lose my shit like *that* in front of my kids. Ever. So I’m that tired. I’m worn out. I’m done. I was wound up like a spring.

I won’t give you a blow by blow of the rest of Matty’s out of character behavior, but coupled with my total sleeplessness, he’d beat me down. On the way home, I stopped at the grocery store so I could run in and grab some milk while my mom waited in the car with the littles. I couldn’t bear to actually take them into one more store. As I came out, I could hear Matty whining while I was approaching the car (doors shut, windows up, air cranked on high). It was that bad. I’d had it. I opened up the back door, pulled one of Molley’s bottles out of the diaper bag, filled it with milk, and shoved it at my toddler. I know. It was one of my shining moments.

Do you know what he did? He took it from me, a huge, genuine smile spread on his gorgeous face, and he said, “Tank too, Mommy.”

He is used to the cheap-o bottles from Wally World. It’s all he’d ever take, despite my best efforts to get him to used pricey, nice bottles. Molley has followed in his footsteps. I think it’s the orphanage thing. It’s what they are used to. I know they both used the same bottles in the orphanages. Anyway, I carry around an extra Playtex drop in for emergencies. Molley had already used her Wally World bottle, so Matty got the Playtex. He was weireded out by the nipple. It made him laugh. He took funny little sips, but he smiled and laughed. The whole way home. He smiled and laughed and babbled and said, “Tank too, Mommy, milk” no less than ten times.  When we got home and I went to unbuckle him, he first exclaimed, “Squeeze!” (which is what we say when we hug), gave me a huge hug, gave me a kiss, demanded, “high five” and “bump it,” gave me another kiss, then ran around to Molley ’s side and demanded, “Monney kiss!”

After we were in the house, I asked him if he wanted more milk in his bottle. He let out that high pitched, eighth octave squeal that Molley taught him and said, “Yes, peeze, Mommy!” The rest of our night was awesome. He was himself. He loved on Monney. He played with her to no end. In fact, my mom bought a walker for Molley (you know, the things that are deemed unsafe b/c parents let their kids fall down the stairs in them?), and Matty spent no less than an hour pushing her all over the downstairs, cracking up while she laughed and howled. They had so much fun together. He kissed her and hugged her and was kind.

And at bedtime tonight? I gave him another bottle with milk. After he finished it, he called out to me. I went into his room and he asked for more. I explained that at bed time, he gets one large bottle of milk, but not more until tomorrow. I told him he could sleep with the bottle next to him, and that tomorrow night, he could have a new bottle full of milk. He said, “Okay, Mommy!” and he fell asleep happily after 20 minutes. It’s not because he was that tired. Trust me. I know this kid. He was that tired for six months and it didn’t help him fall asleep. It’s because he was comfortable, he had his milk, he was happy.

I called Ed. I told him his baby teeth can rot for all I care. That’s pretty much what I said, and that’s pretty much what I mean. I obviously don’t want my baby’s baby teeth to rot, but I’m also not going to exchange such a huge comfort and both of our stability and happiness for healthy baby teeth. That’s what the pediatric dentist and dental insurance are for. I’m being flip, of course; I don’t want Matty to have crappy teeth and painful dental work. But I also don’t want him to feel so emotionally crappy like he did today and most of the rest of the week, I don’t want to be miserable like I was today, I don’t want to see my baby’s entire personality change over a bottle of milk each night.

I’m willing to bet anything that he doesn’t ask or milk first thing in the morning, that he doesn’t wake up cranky, and that he doesn’t act out tomorrow.

So, post-institutionalized thing? Or normal toddler thing? Or what the hell does it even matter? I think it’s a combination of all three. Matty’s sole source – and I mean SOLE source - of comfort in the shit hole in which he resided for the first ten months of his life (yeah, I just wrote that; no, I don’t care anymore) was a severely watered down bottle of crappy, cheap formula.  I know this because without watered down bottles of good, expensive formula, he may have never transitioned into the happy kid he is today. The behavior I saw today, which was mild in comparison and also on a different level because he is older, gave me a chance to reflect back to our first few months home, when we couldn’t do anything or go anywhere unless he had a bottle of watered down formula or juice  stuck in his mouth. Before I discovered the magic that is a bottle strap, when he would get angry in the car (okay, when he would get even angrier than the baseline) and throw the bottle, he would lose it in a way I’ll never be able to describe, because he needed that bottle.

I went back through our first few months home and came up with these within five minutes. There were so many.  (I never let him hold his actual “feeding” bottles, BTW. (I was way better of an adoptive parent back then.) These were just “comfort/functional” bottles.)

Vietnam (December 2007):

January 2008:

 

February 2008:

April 2008 (with my mom and my grandma w (my dad’s mom, who is now in hospice care):

And just because it reminds me how far we’ve come:

But don’t worry, there were far more pics that reminded me of what a great, amazing little guy Matty is…I miss him being small! That hair!

What do you think? Do you think it’s regular old two year old behavior – the way a kid doesn’t want to give up a blanket or a paci? Or do you think it relates back to needing that one thing for the world to be right? Or is it a little of both? I know I shouldn’t care, but I do. I don’t know why it matter so much. Maybe it hurts my soul a little to think that he still has such a strong connection to painful past. Maybe I like to think we’d moved beyond it more than this. Or maybe I’m afraid – just a little – that it wouldn’t be too difficult to go back there.

What I do know is that I’m not going to stress over his teeth right now. I’ll call the dentist on Monday and make an appointment, but nobody is going to convince me to change my mind, and God be with any dentist that tries to push me into anything other than what I’m going to do.

Also, I cannot possibly give Molley what she both needs and deserves to transition and properly attach when I’m battling Matty like I did this week. It affects my ability to be the mediocre parent that I usually am and it also affects her security and mood to be around Matty when he’s like that. It’s not good for anybody. I gave Mattix what he needed and I owe it to Molley to do the same. I realize that as a second, there’s no way she’ll get what the first did, and lucky for us, I believe the circumstances were different enough that it’s not necessary to take it to that level. BUT. Molley needs me to be calm, level headed present, and open so that she can trust me.  And if I’m being honest, I cannot be open to Molley the way *I* need so that *I* can attach to her if my days are like today.

And hell. I didn’t sleep with bottles. I breast fed until I was 12 months old and then never even drank milk (hated it) or juice (my mom didn’t give us liquid sugar, natural or not). I brushed and flossed my teeth like crazy – goes with the OCD personality. Still, I have the world’s worst teeth. By the time I began losing my baby teeth, 80% of them had been filled at least once. My adult mouth is full of tens of thousands of dollars of dental work. So there. That’s what I have to say about that!

Is it just me…….

…or is a six year old too young to be out wandering the neighborhood alone? My parents were overprotective. I knew it as a kid and I know it now. But not in such a way to stifle my development (or my brother’s) or to keep us quarantined to the point of being socially weird. But, no, when my friends were allowed to wander the mall alone at nine years old, I was not.  When my friends turned 16 and were allowed to stay out as long as they wanted, I had to get really creative and work around the curfew I was given and I was good! I was not.

I understood it as a kid. Sometimes, I was frustrated and annoyed, but I always knew that my parents cared about me and wanted the best for me. I had friends whose parents didn’t care much at all what they did and I knew I had it better. My parents were good parents. They sheltered the heck out of me when I was really young and I was a *real* kid for a long time. I’m okay with that. I turned out just fine (no comments from the peanut gallery!) and I don’t resent the fact that I played with dolls until I was 10. I loved my childhood. Hell, I loved high school. I had a whole lotta fun that nobody knew about, but I also did it far more safely than other people I knew.

Ed and I have very similar parenting philosophies and have always intended to raise our children in a similar manner. And now that I have two kids? You can bet your ass that’s what we’re doing.

This evening, I took the kids and the dog for a walk. Molley and Mattix slept really late this afternoon; I actually had to wake Molley up because I knew she wouldn’t go to bed tonight. (She didn’t – she finally fell asleep at 10:15.) I wanted to help Matty burn some energy, so we went for a walk. We live in a safe neighborhood. It’s gated (I don’t want to give the wrong impression; our neighborhood is not fancy or anything. It’s gated b/c we live in an area where the growth exploded during the “boom” (that left people living in houses that are worth half what they paid), so the city required our builder to buy the streets…more HOA dues and “privacy” gates, but that’s all) and in a fine part of town. I feel safe walking around before dark alone or with my kids. After dark? No. Because it’s really dark and because I think there are very few places in big cities where women are totally safe to be out walking around in the dark. I did that in Coronado while we lived there, which I think was an exception to the rule. But in general? No.

So, anyway, as we were walking, a little girl came up on her bike and started talking to us. I’m going to sound like a huge bitch, but I just groaned silently. This poor little girl has crappy parents. I don’t know who they have, have never met them, have never seen them. But I know they’re crappy b/c this poor little girl is always engaging in attention seeking behavior and striking up conversations with total strangers. And she’s annoying – in that way that kids who don’t get the proper attention they need are annoying. It’s not her fault and it’s tragic.

One day, Ed and I took Mattix down to the playground, as we often do. We observed a couple, a baby, a two year old, and this six year old girl there. Based on the girl’s behavior, we assumed she belonged to the couple. She kept picking up the two year old inappropriately, knocking him down b/c she shouldn’t have been picking him up in the first place, pushing him down the steep slide, etc. The parents kept telling her to be gentle, careful, etc. Ed and I were whispering in judgment that we would do a much better job keeping our kid in line. Until, after 20 minutes of this, we realized that she did NOT belong to the couple. As they left, the husband whispered to Ed, “Watch you kid. We don’t know where she came from, but she’s quite bold.” Oh. My. Gosh. So we left, too, because unlike that couple, I’m not so nice when it comes to my babies.

Anyway, she was very intrusive tonight as she rode her bike along with us on our walk and continually came close to hitting Matty with her bike. Not intentionally, but carelessly. I wished Ed were there, because he knows how to be firm but nice. I was just annoyed. She asked how old Mattix was, so I took the opportunity to ask her how she was, which is how I know she’s only six. I asked her if her parents knew she was out, riding her bike all over the neighborhood alone. She became defensive and told me they knew, it was fine, and I could ask them myself if I wanted. I explained to her that I wasn’t accusing her of breaking rules, but I was concerned that she was out at dusk (did I mention this was at 7:10 p.m.), alone, far from her house. She finally got tired of my questions and rode off, which was a relief (and that made me feel terrible).

So, I’d like your thoughts. I can tell you that Mattix won’t be riding his bike alone, around the neighborhood, when he’s six. Neither will Molley. It’s just not going to happen. It might just be me and my parenting, and that’s okay. I might be the strange one, and again, I’m okay with that. What do you guys think? Am I way too overprotective or is this not safe?

———-

I just have to report that the my childrens’ bodies were returned to them from the evil alien life forces that temporarily took over and my sweeties are back! It’s like night and day. I told my mom today that if they both behaved the way they did on Tuesday and Wednesday all the time, I wouldn’t be able to stay home with them because I’d be miserable. I mean that. Isn’t that terrible to admit? But it’s true! I’m so lucky to have generally sweet, pleasant, sassy, smart, enjoyable kids. Don’t get me wrong, Matty is a handful, stubborn, smart as a whip, and sometimes tiring b/c he never lets anything go. But I love that about him b/c he is also such a great kid.

I realize not all kids are enjoyable to be around and I want to be sure I appreciate them. Ed and I were blessed with two great children who I truly enjoy. Not because I’m their mom and I have to, but because their personalities are such that they are truly sweet little kids. I’ll admit that early on with Matty, I wasn’t sure how things were going to go. I’m very grateful that who he is won out over what he experienced and he is such a great kid. I don’t  know what was up with the past two days – colds or teething or what – but I’m SO glad days like those are the exception and not the rule.

And finally, a friend of mine is going through a hard time right now. A crappy time. That’s all I’ll say, but I know a lot of you believe in positive thoughts and prayers, so please keep her in yours. I’ve had her on my mind constantly. Sometimes life deals out things that we don’t deserve.

Important Fundraiser for Vietnam

So, I was totally going to write a blog about how both of my amazing children – the ones I wrote about on Monday who are sweet and affectionate and easygoing and cooperative and happy to run errands with us - had disappeared when Ed left town and how their cute little bodies were totally taken over by alien life forms that are MEAN and CRAZY and LOUD and WHINY and DEMANDING and OVERTIRED and IRRITABLE and teething….I could go on and on, when I scanned my reader and saw a post from Kelly.

I can’t let it go entirely, so I’ll  just say that the highlight for me was, while at dinner with Kedra at PF Chang’s last night, Mattix, who was loud and rude all throughout dinner anyway, and who NEVER, EVER, EVER lets me know he has a dirty diaper, and in fact would rather sit in it for hours and let it harden into a mold of crap than endure an interruption to have it changed, began SCREAMING, “Pooka! Mommy! Pooka! Now!!! Peeezzzeee! Out! Pooka! MOM!!!!” and banging on my arm and grabbing at his booty while Kedra and I were chatting with the manager. The manager was all, “Is he okay?” and I was like, “Um, yeah, he and his sister went for vaccines today, so he’s just a little sore.” LIAR! I’m a horrible person. I was just caught off guard and didn’t know what to do! It’s the first time I was actually embarrassed by one of my kids. In my defense, Molley DID go the doctor and have a vaccine yesterday, so it was just the wrong kid. My babies are well behaved in general, but the past few days??? I don’t even know them. I’m afraid to leave the house. Who are these people???? Okay, enough complaining. I should be grateful – Matty calls poop “pooka,” so I could at least lie, right?

ANYWAY, I’ve been meaning to blog about this since I chipped in a month ago. I just kept forgetting. Story of my life. Heather is raising money for a really, really great cause.  Instead of reinventing the wheel, I’m going to copy and paste Kelly’s post. It says it all. Plus, I don’t really see Kelly coming after me for copyright violations. And? You should just go to Heather’s blog! See below and if you can, make a small donation; it will make a big difference. I was very impacted by what I saw in Vietnam and Ethiopia, but let’s be honest, it’s easy to come home and continue on with life. Adjusting to life with our new children takes precedence over just about everything (including washing my hair on a regular basis), and I think by the time we get through that phase, we get distracted by all the things that were put on hold (except for my hair – it’s just over for my hair). Take a look.

From Kelly’s Blog:

For the past month or so, I’ve seen a fellow adoptive mom Heather trying to raise $1750 to build a home for a family in need in Vietnam through the group Giving It Back to Kids.   Her deadline is the end of this month and she is still not half-way to her goal, yet.

Unless you have been exposed to families in extreme poverty, unless you have seen how many live in third world countries, it is hard to understand the term “shack.”  A “shack” here in our country is not a “shack” in my son’s homeland.  A shack there is a 5 foot by 5 foot area built out of scrap that could house a family with several kids.

Imagine what we could do if everyone gave $10 to Heather’s project?  Even if ten of you do that, and then post this on your blogs, and then ten of your readers do the same, and on and on, we can get her to her goal.

If you have a blog, won’t you help us get the word out?  If you have food on your table, won’t you consider contributing $10 or $20 to a family who you will never meet, but whose world will be forever transformed by your generosity?

It may seem that a few people giving a few dollars can never make a difference, but that is just not true.  If you put a bucket under a dripping faucet, it may seem like it would never fill, but leave the bucket for a few days and that bucket will overflow with countless “insignificant” drops.

Go to Heather’s Blog and CHIP IN!

“Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person.” – Mother Teresa

Happy Memorial Day (lots of photos)

I hope everyone had a nice day today. I also hope we all took a moment to appreciate today for what it really is as opposed to just another day off of work. I’m not saying the day off isn’t nice, but truly, I’m very appreciative to everyone who risks their lives to protect our freedom. Regardless of our individual feelings on war and conflict, we should all feel indebted to those who fight four our country.

Our family had a nice day today. Simple – lots and lots of errands, yard work that was desperately overdue (our yard now looks like people actually live here), and chores. But it was nice to be together as a family. Matty got a new “predent” (present) – a sand and water table. He already has a sand box, so it’s a giant water table b/c I’m not sure I want the whole sand/water mess. He loves it! The kid just loves water. He was very excited about it.

On Saturday night, I celebrated Kedra’s 40th birthday with a huge group of girls. I may have celebrated too much. Maybe way too much. I joke around about the booze and vino all the time, but I’m usually talking about a glass or two. The party on Saturday was a martini party. Ouch. It took the entire day yesterday for me to get out of bed. At 6:00 p.m. (honestly), Ed was all, “She’s alive!!!” as I moped out of the guest room and into the kitchen, where my babies and hubby were eating.  Matty and Molley were quite pleased to see me, too. Nice, huh? How old am I? It was really, really fun, but I’m way too geriatric to party until 3:00 a.m. and way, way too geriatric to have more than three martinis. We really did have a great time.

I took a lot of photos with my purse camera today while we were running all of our errands. The kids were so dang cute together. I LOVE, and I mean LOVE, how Molley has brought out the best in Mattix. Matty has always been my sweetie baby – super, super sweet, but not always too into giving random affection, especially not in public. However, since Molley came home, he is so much more openly affectionate. It’s not a competition or jealousy thing – it’s just that he seems to suddenly get it now – it’s okay to give loves all the time!  Ed, Molley, and I all get tons and tons of kisses and loves, and Matty loves to sit in my lap, really close, and cuddle. At least once a day, he has me pick him up so he can give me a really long, tight, lingering hug. I feel so lucky. Molley is crazy affectionate and I think I mentioned it, but Matty taught her to make the “mmaaauuuaaaah” sound when she kisses. She is now leaning in on her own and making that noise. Isn’t that just the best? She’s already giving kisses!

OH!!!! On Saturday, while I was getting ready for my night of debauchery (and you know it’s sad when you consider a night with all girls, having an adult party at one girl’s house, a night of debauchery), I looked over and Molley was sitting up! She’ had been laying on her tummy, so that means she is now capable of getting herself into the sitting position. It happened in a matter of seconds. No repeats yet, but at least she can do it. She hasn’t pulled up again since last week, but again, at least I know she can now do these things. Like Nicki said in my last post, she went from being a four month old to a nine month old in a month. I’m truly amazed by her rapid progress. She is the biggest imitator EVER, so I think having a big brother who is really not that much bigger (there is 18 months between them) is going to impact her development.

A month ago, Molley didn’t have the strength to sit up in a shopping cart or  high chair. Now, she can do both indefinitely. I’m truly SO pleased with her development. When we were in Ethiopia, I told Ed that I was so excited about her emotional and social development.  That’s what mattered the most to me. But I was also so pleased about her sensory development. Having been through pretty significant sensory processing issues with Matty, I was so happy that we wouldn’t have to do that again. I was more than prepared to do it, of course, but not having to is nice. We discussed how we would just start OT for the physical issues and we’d be in track within six months. And now look! I’m not saying she won’t need any OT later, but at this point, she is kicking ass and taking names and I don’t think there’s anything specifically that we need to work on. Also, her comprehension seems to be wonderful.

I’m very grateful for both of my kids. They’re really, really special people. Mattix may be older, but he’s still my baby. However, he is so grown up in so many ways and so darn helpful. Whenever I change Molley’s diaper, he gets a clean diaper out of the diaper stacker for me and then pulls out clean wipes and hands them to me. He still brings Molley toys and offers her his snacks, although he is doing that less because I constantly remind him that Molley can’t eat big boy food. Anyway, I have two great kids.

Enough of the talking. 

Matty was playing with his fire hat this morning, as he often does, but today, he apparently gave Monney a turn!

Before we left the house (and before the yard work – ew, what a mess (the yard, not the kids))

Matty is going through a stage where he lies on the ground, usually on his side, and plays with his trucks, complete with sound effects. I LOVE it.

First stop: Lowe’s. Both kids totally loved the steering wheels.

Second stop: Wally World. Not as fond of this whole sitting on the block situation. Matty got a 2 oz sprite/8 oz water cocktail from McAss (I am SO not okay with McAss and I don’t eat it or feed it to my kids, but they have $1.00 sodas, which means Mommy gets a cheap Diet Coke fix. We mix the water with a splash of sprite and tell Matty it’s diet coke. One day he’ll learn. Until then…

Third stop: lunch at Sweet Tomatoes. Everybody loves ice cream!

Fourth Stop: Toys R Us, but chasing a two year old around the store makes it hard to take photos that was way too much fun to bother with pictures.

Fifth Stop: Sprouts. Lots of love.

This is the goofball I love:

I wish I would have taken photos this evening after we finished the yard work. The grass is finally super green and the light this evening was perfect. We were too busy having fun, though. We grilled and enjoyed our unseasonably tolerable weather while Matty played with his new water table.

I’m off to bed. Mattix has been falling asleep really late and sleeping until 7:00, which in his world is like noon. Someone is messing with me, though, because Molley is up before 6:00 every darn day. I’ve never been a morning person, and I’m never going to be one, despite the fact that Matty’s usual wake up during the summer is 5:00 a.m. and clearly, Molley’s is early, too. Ugh. What I wouldn’t give to have two kids that sleep until at least 7:00….

Molley at Nine Months!

Our baby girl is nine months old today (Friday)! It’s hard to believe we’ve had her for a month and a half, mostly because I spent a better part of that trying to keep her well and not die myself. The great news is that after only six weeks, she is doing SO well.

She went from simply rolling around a bit on the bed in Ethiopia and being perfectly content to literally lay in my lap all day to being super, crazy mobile. In the past week or two, she has become genuinely interested in the world outside my arms. In fact, she will now get brave and army crawl off in a direction away from me – just a little bit -a few times a day.

She is eating like a champ and gaining weight every day. We’re up to 28-38 ozs of soy formula each day in ADDITION to five to six containers of baby food. I moved her up to Stage 2 food (Earth’s Best Organic) and she is loving it. It won’t be long before we move to 3.  When she is really hungry, she makes the funniest little demanding noises in between bites. I’m so proud of how well she is eating. She is making herself vomit infrequently now, although Ed said she did it tonight and lost a whole jar of baby food. He just cleaned her up, said “NO” in a firm voice,  and fed her two more jars, which she kept down.

Her tummy issues are hopefully a thing of the past. Her latest stool samples all came back negative, she isn’t showing any symptoms, and today was her last day of Flagyll. Please keep your fingers crossed that we beat the evil giardia. She has more or less been on five weeks of antibiotics and I hate that. She is so much happier now, and so am I! As much as I hated cleaning liquid doody off of everything every hour, I really, really hated how uncomfortable she was and how her little tummy would start to gurgle as soon as she would take a sip from her bottle. I could see the discomfort in her face. She seems to feel so much better now and is visibly gaining weight. In fact, the other day, she flipped over and pulled an escape move while I was changing her diaper on the hotel bed. As she crawled off, I realized how much fat she’d put on her little booty! I hadn’t even noticed and I was SO excited. Like, a little pinch-full on each booty cheek. When we first met her, you could literally see all of her tailbone. This is great progress.

I say it all the time, but I’ll say it again. This is the happiest little girl on the face of the earth. All she does is smile, giggle, and coo. In fact, she gets more and more giggly every day, especially now that she’s more interested in moving around and is spending more time of the floor with Matty. He just cracks her up (often intentionally – he does the things to her that we do to him to make him laugh). Today, he was blowing raspberries on her forehead and she couldn’t stop laughing. He also started giving her “footsie kisses” – little kisses on the soles of her feet. We do that to him at bed time. It went well, until he tried it while Molley was sitting up. On the tile. Nine month old babies don’t have balance, so when their little feet are lifted off the floor, they tend to fall over. Head first. Onto the tile. Oops.

Molley is learning so much and having an older brother is only accelerating that. I know she’ll learn that crappy stuff along with the good stuff, but so far, all good stuff. When she gives kisses now, she makes the “mmmuuuaaahhhh” noise about half the time. Matty does this when he kisses her, so I guess it only makes sense that she is beginning to do it, too.

Molley is teaching Matty all sorts stuff as well, although I’m not quite as thrilled about that. He learned this high pitched, ear piercing war whoop that he now does EVERY single time he gets excited. It’s enough to make you reach for the ice pic to shove into your ear drums to just make it stop. It’s his new “happy” noise, but it is not so happy for anybody else. We were trying to figure out where the hell he learned that little gem when Molley suddenly did it. Except she’s not quite as loud as her two year old, crazy active, big brother. Great. He’s also going around blowing zurbers into the air, except that his two year old zurbers create a full on spit situation, which is NOT okay with me. He got that from Molley, too.

Molley loves Mattix. She just smiles and giggles at him and even reaches out to him. Today, Mattix really, really wanted her to crawl through his tunnel with him, so he did his best to pick her up. Sooo cute and hilarious. I had to explain to him that it’s not safe to pick Molley up and that when she is ready, she’ll crawl through his tunnel on her own. He looked at Molley, looked at me, thought about it, and said, “Okay, Mommy!” He still shares his toys with her and is great at trading one toy for another if Molley has something he wants. I’m not sure it will go quite as well when she gets a mind of her own and no longer wants to trade. If she really messes with one of his prizes possessions, like a train, he says, “No, Monney, no. Peezze no” in the baby voice I love. Even when he gets exasperated, he handles it well.

Molley is slowly getting more comfortable with being left in a room alone for a few minutes at a time. So long as Matty is in the room with her and she’s busy, I can run to the restroom and pee alone (!) very quickly, or walk into another room to grab something. This was NOT okay with her up until the past few days. It’s nice to see her slowly become more trusting and less insecure. Turns out I do come back every time.

Molley is rapidly wrapping Daddy around her little finger. I actually overheard him telling her, “You’re my perfect little angel! You can’t do anything wrong!” Of course, she gave him tons of smiles and a big kiss. Ah man, I feel bad for any guy that wants to date her one day. Ed may be small, but he can be scary.

She truly is an easy, easy baby. Now that the giardia is (hopefully) behind us, we’re no longer contending with horrifying, frequent blowouts, things are not too difficult.  It’s easier to focus on bonding when you’re not spending all of your time cleaning liquid poo off of everything, including the walls and yourself. I mean, seriously, I can’t really think of any really stressful issues at this point. She makes life easy and happy. My only complaint is that she is not sleeping her her own room. As much as I’d like that, it’s not going to happen for a while. Silly as it sounds, I miss sleeping next to Ed. He and I are cuddlers at night - like, we usually sleep on one tiny half of our full sized bed all night. We’ve always been like that. In fact, before my parents got rid of my childhood bedroom set, we used to sleep in my old twin bed together comfortably when we visited my family.  We’re not annoying touch-feely people who always have to be holding hands or sitting close to each other, but at night, we’re snugglers. So I miss that.

HOWEVER, I’m pretty sure that this is a good thing. Molley is so relaxed, easy going, and eager to attach to us that I could see us being less than militant about attachment issues, if that makes any sense. Her sleeping with us is very good for bonding and attachment (for both her and for us) and it’s comforting to her. She always flings an arm or leg on one of us while she sleeps, and when she wakes up in the morning, she rolls over on her tummy, lifts her head, sees us, and smiles SO big. Then she begins scooting up to head level (she sleeps at about waist level b/c  I’m so paranoid about her being squished by us or the blankets), then gives each of us a kiss when she gets there. I think it’s just very reassuring to her to wake up and know we’re there all the time. I’d love to move her to a pack n play in our room in the next month, but we’ll see. Right now, I’m making what she needs a priority. And truthfully, it’s easier to hold a bottle for her while you’re laying next to her, half dozing, than it is to get up and go through the routine. I’m learning to give Molley what she needs, even if it’s the opposite of what I know from experience (from Matty).

Molley sleeps pretty well. She wakes up a few times a night for bottles, but goes back to sleep fairly easily. She wakes up at 6:00 in the morning, but that’s too early for her. It takes an hour to get her back to sleep, then she usually sleeps for another hour and a half. The only problem is that when I’m on my own, I can’t spend an hour getting her back to sleep because Matty is up, so Molley gets up, too, but clearly needs more sleep. At least she’s not cranky when she is tired.

Molley is great at riding in the car seat, riding in the stroller, and riding in the Ergo. The only thing that really annoyed her was putting her in the Costco cart (see below). She’s very easy going, huh? She helps push her arms through when I dress her, loves bathes and being lotioned and dressed,  kisses me all day long, and gives the best hugs. I often wonder if her cheeks are going to crack from that huge grin that is plastered on her face! She has brought out the best in Mattix, who is truly a little sweet heart. I told my friends tonight that I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m sure he’ll eventually have his moments, but really, Mattix is so great with Molley.

We’re so lucky to have her as a part of our family. Molley has just been a blessing. I am grateful to the nannies that gave her enough love and care to nurture her – babies learn affection and love, and Molley is full of it. I’m not angry or bitter about her being so thin or having giardia. I think I wrote it in our travel journal, but when I stripped her completely down and realized how thin she was the first night we were in Ethiopia, it made me gasp. She was all bones. Ribs, tailbone, spine, arms, legs. Everything. Ed was taken aback as well. It was shocking, really. I mean, you can expect something, but when you see it in person, it’s a little unnerving. Her body was like an upside down triangle. Her tummy was big and distended and her legs were so darn tiny. Size 1 diapers were too big, so we had to fasten them very, very tightly and still, they leaked because she didn’t have any leg fat to secure the leg openings. However, I’m so grateful that the worst thing that happened to her was a parasite that interfered with her ability to gain weight. We’re just fortunate that we passed court on our first date and we met her when we did. I’ll write about that later, because I have heard complaints from other parents about those things. I have to say that when you adopt from another country and the baby you adopted was in an orphanage, you cannot expect everything to be perfect. And if giardia and being underweight as a result (but not so much so that brain development of the ability to physically thrive) is as bad as it gets, count your damn blessings.

And with that, a few photos! I went to dinner sans littles with my friends Kathy and Kelley (and had a great time eating Vietnamese and having adult conversation for hours- having friends who are also adoptive parents is such a good thing), while Ed and the kids hung out. Matty took a bath, then helped give Molley her bath. So cute! She really does adore him.

Happy Nine Months, baby girl. We’re so lucky to have two great kids.

Not loving the cart quite yet…

Matty waited a long time for this – a cart buddy. He worked hard to help Molley. He kept patting her leg and saying, “No crying, Monney, no crying!” It helped…a little.

So photogenic, even when she’s roasting in 102 degree heat

Blowing a kiss

Just being her happy self

Our road trip started out well…

First, BEST NEWS EVER. We were at Ed’s best friend’s house. He and his wife have a five year old, a 2.5 year old, and are expecting their first girl in about four months. His wife and I were talking about Molley’s developmental milestones. I guess she’s not quite as far behind as I thought. I really don’t know crap about babies, huh? Molley is crazy mobile with her army crawl. I assumed b/c she’s not crawling in the “typical” way that it was a problem, but I guess not so much. And all this movement is new. She wasn’t really mobile in Ethiopia, but now? She can move. Fast! Anyway, she PULLED UP FOR THE FIRST TIME! Literally, she just grabbed my arm and – without any help from me – pulled herself into a standing position! I’d just said the other day that my goal is for her to be able to pull herself up by the 11 month mark and she totally did it before she hit nine months! So far, she has yet to do it again, but she hasn’t really been on the floor since then. I was right in the middle of talking about how Molley can sit up unassisted and is a champion army crawler, but can’t pull up on her own when she just reached up, grabbed my arm, and pulled up into a standing position. Huge smiles, of course. She has been able to pull up with my helf for a while now, but hasn’t made any effort to do it on her own. Rock n roll.

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So, on Tuesday, the kids and I went on a little road trip with Ed, who had a client meeting today (Wednesday) in another city. I was still totally worn out from our weekend of awesomeness, but I wanted to go, so I sucked it up and packed up the kids and myself. We drove 2.5-3ish hours to the city where I did my undergrad and where Ed and I met. I lived there for three years. That was long enough! I’m more of a bigger city kinda girl. But we do have very fond memories and Ed still has friends and family who live there. All of my friends moved away long ago, but I love visiting with Ed’s friends and his twin brother and his wife. (BTW, I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but does anyone think it’s strange (in a good way) that Ed’s brother married a girl who is literally two days younger than me? It’s only weird because there’s a decent age spread between Ed and me – almost eight years – so what are the chances his twin marries someone almost the exact same age?  Jason and Marie have been together for less time than Ed and I (maybe five years) and married for only 2.5, but isn’t it funky how we’re the same age? Also, I LOVE her. Like, really, really adore her. She’s the world’s best sister in law and I wish she lived closer…even next door!) Anyway, Molley is the best car traveler and Matty…well, he was certainly chatty on the way down. As in, by the time we got there, he was hoarse. Seriously. He narrated our entire drive. Good times.

We had a really nice evening. Matty did what he does best, which is behave like a champ at dinner. We had a decent sized party, including Marie (Ed’s twin’s wife’s parents – follow that?)’s parents. I really adore her parents. They’re great people (no surprise that Marie is so amazing) who have been incredibly supportive of our family and our adoptions. They asked if we minded if they came to dinner because they felt a part of our adoptions and wanted to meet Molley. How neat is that? They are really great people and I feel lucky to know them through extended family. Anyway, Matty had an audience of adults, which is his thang. He was super shy and reserved at first, but by the end of dinner, he realized exactly how great everyone thought he was. The kid worked it. It was pretty cute. He was still warming up when the dinner arrived and had been pretty quite. We ate at a Mexican food restaurant, so his plate had a quesadilla and a ridiculously huge serving of rice and beans on it. When the server set it down in front of him, he exclaimed in his CUTE, LOUD voice, “OH, WOW!!!!!” He was 100% sincere. I swear, 20 people started laughing hysterically. So precious.

Molley was her usual charming self. If that girl’s not smiling, something is SERIOUSLY wrong.  As usual, nobody could get over how beautiful and sweet she is. She is so charming, and it’s not an act or for attention. She really is just all smiles, all the time. She’s so damn happy that it’s contagious. The smiles, the waves, the kisses, the giggles. All genuine. She is the happiest, most loving baby girl on the face of the earth. How could I ask for more?  She didn’t want anybody else to hold her, but that’s perfeclty fine with me. So long as she was either in the high chair between Ed and me, or in one of our laps, she was all giggles. I love that she is so happy and outgoing, but not so much so that she doesn’t prefer Ed and me. Does that make sense? I realize it’s not a secure attachment or anything at ALL, but I also KNOW from experience it’s much easier to go from this place to a secure attachment than it is to go from nothing (or even an aversion) to this place. So, I’m really, really happy.

(One thing I should mention that I maybe haven’t. We do get a fair amount of negative attention. It’s tiring and often quite offensive. HOWEVER, in all my bitching, I probably haven’t mentioned how much positive attention my kids draw. They’re both cute (sorry, but they are) and sweet. And for some reason – I don’t want to talk about why, ’cause it probably makes Ed and me look bad - they are damn good at restaurants. Like, they can last almost two hours, late at night, far past their bed times, well behaved and happy. A lot of people – a LOT – constantly remark on Molley’s sweet personality and beauty. Our dinner was no exception. I’m not bragging; I’m just trying to balance my complaining with appreciation. I can tell the difference between people who complement my kids just because they’re different and people overcompensate vs. people who really mean it. There are a lot of people who mean it.)

K, anyway, dinner was great and the night was just perfect. We stayed at a resort Ed and I love and got a lot of sleep. Mattix was probably the sweetest he has been in a long, long time. It was 10:30 by the time he got to bed and he was SO overtired and over stimulated from the day. He was quite possibly the loviest I’ve ever seen him. He couldn’t give enough loves, pats, hugs, kisses, and sweet looks. He was SO tired, but he kept opening his eyes, just a little, and saying, “Hi, Mommy. Bug you” in his tiny baby voice. Ed actually climbed into his Pack N Play and cuddled with him for half a hour. Matty is not a cuddler and usually wants to be left alone to fall asleep. Not last night. I rubbed his back for 20 minutes and he spent the entire time rubbing my arm right back. He’d occasionally look up and give me the sweetest smile. I can’t tell you how much I adore it when he is so affectionate. I know he loves us, but I’m so grateful when he has those moments when I can really, really see it. Then, when Matty woke this morning, he climbed into bed with Ed and me and cuddled for a full half an hour. He probably would have done it for longer, but Ed had to get up for a 7:00 a.m. call. Loved it. My honey (Ed) and my two little babies all cuddling. I got a good night’s sleep because I had to go to bed after  the kids did, and I only woke up once with Molley. Awesome.

We also had a good day and the kids and I did a great job keeping busy while Ed had his meetings. They’re really loving the double stroller. I was a little worried. Molley wants to be held and Matty doesn’t dig a stroller any longer. However, when they’re in the stroller next to each other, they’re happy.

So, this is where I can’t make this crap up. We were driving home, probably about half way there, when the light that \indicates there’s an “engine emergency” came on – it apparently just shuts the whole car down and lets you coast just long enough to pull over. Thankfully, we were doing 75 (yes, the speed limit) on the highway when it happened, so we had a little time. It’s a crappy highway – I drove it over and over when I was in college. Thank goodness that, just as it happened and Ed announced it, I looked up and saw a sign for a rest stop one mile ahead. We literally coasted into the rest stop and ran out of power as the car slit into a parking spot.

I tried to get Ed to go into the bathroom to report on the status of glo*ry holes (really don’t want any pervs finding my blog with that term), but he wasn’t having it. It was hard to find humor in the situation at that point.

Good news it was 102 degrees. We had gotten both kids to sleep just as we hit the highway and they were happy and sound asleep before the crap hit the fan. The sudden lack of air conditioning and movement caused them both to wake up SCREAMING. Seriously. Molley never wakes up unhappy – ever – and Mattix, well, he usually wakes up unhappy if he’s not in the mood to wake up. Good times.  Ed wandered off and was trying to find a mile marker while I was on the phone trying to get a two truck with a screaming kid on each hip.

And get this. My AAA expired last month and I hadn’t renewed it yet.  Even better.

I called my parents, who were in the far north part of the town where we live. It was traffic hour, so they were like 2.5 hours away.

The tow truck showed up after 45 minutes, which wasn’t too bad. Our $hit day pleased Matty to no end. I think we made his year. He was SOOO excited to ride in the tow truck – of course, with no car seat for either kid, safety first, we like to do it Vietnam and Ethiopia style every once in a while, except here, it’s on 75 mph highways - and to see the mom-mobile on the back. I haven’t seen him so tickled in all of his life.  His smile was so big I was afraid his little cheeks were going to crack. At least that part was good.

Our crap day gets better.

(I should also note that Ed was supposed to catch a flight to Dallas on our way back to town for a very important meeting. Yeah, that didn’t happen, and it was the last flight out, so great.)

Okay, so we were towed to the dealership in $hittsville, where, I learned, my warranty – the one we paid $2,000 for when we bought me car three years ago and I’ve used ONCE for a power seat issue that was probably a $200 repair – expired 130 miles ago. YEAH, ONE HUNDRED THIRTY MILES. I thought we had 3,000 more miles, because most warranties expire on the 5,000 mile mark, but oh no, not mine. I haven’t looked at it since we bought the car three years ago because, you know, we haven’t needed it, and I really, truly thought we had almost 3,000 more miles. Until it expired. Right about the time we left to head back home, based on my calculations. Great, huh? That was actually on my to-do list: research and purchase extended warranty. Guess I can cross that one off, as it appears that nobody will sell me one now!

As if it didn’t suck enough, the only rental they had left was a mid-sized sedan, which meant we couldn’t load all our stuff into it. The double stroller wouldn’t fit in the trunk or the front seat. Car seat installation took a nice 45 minutes. Loved the heat.

We got home – with Ed back in his car that had been parked at the airport - four hours after we should have. Both kids were great. Truly. They handled everything like champs. Matty and Molley are digging the new rental car arrangement because they’re close enough to hold hands and exchange toys, which works well until Matty says, “Okay, Monney, my turn” but Molley doesn’t oblige. In the Mom Mobile, they’re in bucket seats across from each other and they can’t even come close to touching.  In fact, because their car seats face opposite directions (Matty’s forward and Molley’s backwards), Molley has trouble seeing Matty. See, there, I found a positive. They can see and touch each other in the rental. (Remind me I said that in two days when I see them punching each other in the face for the first time.)

I’m dying to know how much this little situation is going to cost, thanks to the expired by 130 miles warranty. And I can’t even wait to drive back to $hittsville to get my car back. I’ll have to leave the kids with my mom because I still cannot install these stupid Britax car seats. Awesome. I suck.

My two cuties in the Pack N Play. I know, Ed is either freakishly small or freakishly flexible, depending on how you look at it.

My crazy happy girl. These photos were taken at almost 11:00 p.m., after she didn’t sleep all day! This is literally what I see, all day long.

The following two photos are accidental but still good plugs for Kelley’s hair flowers/bows. She is making them and selling them on Etsy SOON (hint hint) and I LOVE them. I insisted I get first pick and I bought four or five. And I’m thinking this advertising should get me first pick again when she makes the next set! They are so great, in fact, that Molley has finally figured out that they are in her hair and she likes to take them out. Over and over. Love them.

I’m going to bed. Long, long day.

So. Much. Fun.

We had an awesome weekend with Kelley and her crew, Sarah and T, and Stacy and Delaney. So much fun, in fact, that 24 hours after it ended, I’m still too tired to write about it or put up photos! Kelly put up pics here and here. We really had an awesome time. We already knew how cool Kelley and her kids are. Ed and I are officially submitting out home study and dossier fee to Kelley and her sweet hubby so that we can adopt Bunny. Wish I were serious – she is the best 13 year old on the face of the planet. Kelley said it, but Stacy is just as great as you’d expect. We promised each other ahead of time that if we sucked, we wouldn’t totally ruin each other on our blogs. Good news is that Stacy is incredible, Delaney is adorable, beautiful, and, sweet, and Sarah and Tae are just as sweet and fun as I knew they’d be. So I don’t even have to practice the whole “if you can’t say something nice” rule about anybody! We really had so much fun. I am EXHAUSTED. Seriously, drinking lots of  mimosas in the morning playing all weekend really makes you tired, especially three hours at the zoo in 103 degree heat. I hope we didn’t scare off Stacy. We were trying to give her a Vietnam experience, minus the humidity.

I will put up photos and recap our weekend, just so you can be jealous of  read about all the fun we had! It also made Ed and I aware of some social issues with Matty that we want to keep an eye on. It’s another one of those things where we can’t decide if it’s adoption related or age related. Hate that. He was like two different kids much of the time, except the night we went to dinner at our fav Vietnamese restaurant. Then he was all sorts of himself. Hmmm…does that say anything about Ed and me? I talked to my mom for hours tonight about it.  I’ll work my way though that one in a post this week.

Like I said, I’m really that tired. The kids and I spent more time with my grandma today, although I don’t think she even knew we were there. Good thing, ’cause Matty was a little, um, rambunctious and not quite as angelic as he was on Friday! I’ll be back tomorrow. Night!

I blew it!!!

I know, I know, I blew it. Not that it’s a big disappointment to anyone or anything, but still, I was planning on posting every day this month. Oh well. Life takes precedence. Thursday was a good day, actually. Nothing significant, just a nice day. I was on the phone with my mom for hours Thursday evening (thank goodness for DVR!). My mind wouldn’t shut off, so I didn’t fall asleep until 3:30 a.m. You’d think over all that time, I could have written a post, but I just didn’t have it in me.

I have a lot of photos of Molley that I snapped while the boys were outside on Thursday evening, doing the yard work in the front that our HOA is supposed to take care of with some portion of our monthly fees. Ha ha ha. I’m thinking about not sending in a June payment and then sending them a bill for the difference between what I would have owed and what they still owe for Ed’s work. Whatev. I love how much Matty wants to help Ed with anything and everything he does. We gave him a shovel and garden gloves and he literally did not stop “working” until Ed was done. He even bogarted the blower, turned it on high,  and went running with it because he knew he was going to lose it as soon as Ed caught him. It’s impressive how fast Mattix is when carrying something that is twice his length. Anyway, my girl is so photogenic. When I have a chance, I’ll upload a few photos.

Oh, and Molley sat up in the grocery cart for the first time! Matty was in heaven because all he’s ever wanted at Costco was for someone to sit in the car next to him. Well, he finally got his wish, only his baby sister totally whined about it. He kept saying, “Monney, no crying! No crying!” When we’d take her out for a minute, he would insist we put her back. Sooo cute. The two of them are interacting more and more. Tonight, while Ed and I did a few chores in Molley’s room, I put them both in her crib together. They had a BLAST. Mattix jumped up and down, which cracked Molley up, then he’d gently bop her in the forehead with a stuffed animal, making a kissing noise each time. He did it over and over and over. She never tired of it. In fact, she would laugh so would gag. I love seeing them play together. I really hope they continue to get along. I’m impressed by Mattix’s patience with her. He’s a normal two year old and he has his moments, but he is so good with Molley. 

And by the way, MY KIDS ARE AMAZING! My grandma (dad’s mom) was put in hospice for end of life care. I wanted to spend time with her today before things progressed too much. It was important for me to be there today before things were too bad. We had to run a few errands this morning, so all morning I reminded Matty that we were going to visit Great Grammy Eleanor, who is very, very sick, so we have to behave well and listen to Mommy. He is really starting to understand the concept of someone being sick and not feeling well. When I coughed earlier today and grabbed my side instinctively because coughing is very painful, Matty patted my leg and said, “Mommy’s tummy sick.” So, while everything was obviously far beyond his comprehension, he clearly understood me when I told him she was sick. I talked about it a lot this morning. I kind of got tired of hearing it myself!  Matty is so smart and his comprehension is great. He was incredible. We were at the hospice care center for a long time – I’m not even sure how long – hours and hours. Both of my babies were amazing. We were there right through their naps and still, they didn’t act out or become cranky. They were both so tired that they conked out five minutes into the ride home and slept the whole way.

This was Molley’s first time meeting some of my dad’s side of the family. Not the best of circumstances, but the past month hasn’t exactly been visitor-worthy. She charmed the heck out of everyone. I know I keep saying it, but Molley is the happiest, smiliest, sweetest little girl. She now waves and blows kisses regularly. Along with her million dollar smile and gorgeous, expressive eyes, those two little gestures are just too much. She didn’t fuss or whine once. She just sat in either my lap or my mom’s lap and made everyone smile. My grandma isn’t well at all, but I was glad for her to be able to hold Molley’s hand and sort of meet her while she is still with us. She kept saying how sweet Molley’s little hand was and how soft her skin was. She even smiled.

Mattix was an angel. He played with his cousin, who is nine months younger and about an inch taller (!) for an hour. They were cute together. Matty listened well and was on his best behavior. He was also very sweet to me, even when I’d remind him to use his inside voice (I SWORE I’d never use that BS and here I am, saying it all the time) or to slow down a little. He has been giving a lot more spontaneous kisses and hugs to Ed, my mom, my dad, my brother, and me. I got a lot today – all day, from the minute he woke up until he went to bed. So much love. My Molley is as affectionate with me as always. She’s really into my mom now and Mom gets tons of kisses from her, too. My mom  is of course overjoyed and I’m excited to watch a relationship grow between the two of them similar to the one between my mom and Matty. It’s very important to me. Have I gone on about Molley’s sweetness enough? I love the way she grips my face, squeals, smiles, then kisses me. She pulls back, makes eye contact, then does it again. She hugs and/or kisses me just about every time I pick her up. Even after she’s been on the changing table for two minutes. It’s great.  Could I be any luckier lately? My two kids think I’m fantastic! No wonder people keep having kids. I’m kidding.  Anyway, I was very proud of my kids today. I’m proud of them all the time. I expect them to act their ages, which includes less-than-stellar behavior when they’re tired or hungry or just because. I expect them to be themselves and am always proud of them just because. I was just particularly proud of them both today. I praised Mattix a lot and when we got home tonight, I made a big deal about telling Ed how well behaved Matty was all day. Mattix just beamed. He was pleased with himself! I don’t often ask Mattix over and over to behave a certain way, but I really needed him to try today. I wanted to make a big deal about how well he did because I made such a big deal about his needing to listen to me.

I’m feeling so much better by the day. The new antibiotics are clearly doing the trick with the infection, whatever it is. I’m like a new person. With cracked ribs and torn muscles, but hey, I’ll take what I can get. I think my cough is nearly gone – it only acts up at night when I lay down – the fever is gone, and most of the achiness is gone. And the horrible sore throat FINALLY disappeared. That’s the best part, I think, because it was so bad and had been there, all the time,  for over a month. I mean, there were times when I’d skip meals or not drink enough water because it hurt too badly. That’s saying something! I’m obviously still exhausted, but I’m well on my way to getting better. I’m so grateful that the worst if (hopefully) over. Thanks to Ed for making sure I’ve gotten as much sleep as possible over the past week. I’ve been able to sleep ALONE in our room every night since Saturday until 6:45 or 7:45 in the morning, depending on whether he has early phone calls. With the exception of last night and tonight, which are a little off because my mind is busy due to my grammy’s health, I’ve been able to sleep a lot.

And it *looks* like Molley’s giardia issue might actually be under control. I’m not totally convinced, only because we were tricked last time, but it’s looking so much better this time that I’m hopeful. Ed took a bag full of samples to the lab today. Hopefully we’ll know the results early next week, before she finishes her course of Flagyll. Of course, they could come back with a false negative and we won’t know that until she’s been off the Flagyll for a few days, but I’m optimistic. She is back to eating more. Ed and I work really, really hard to get 28-34 ozs of soy formula and 3-4 full jars of organic baby food in her over every 24 hour period. Ed has been giving her all of her meds because he’s better at keeping her from projectile vomiting them back up – he has to use a stern voice and gently tap her lips, but it works and she stops. So far, she’s only lost two doses this week. Not bad! And? She isn’t really vomiting up her formula and food regularly. Normal spit up and a little puking here and there, but nothing like she was doing last week. Anyway, I feel very good about how Molley’s progress. She is also putting a lot of weight on her legs and making an effort to be more mobile. Up until the past few days, she didn’t seem to care much, but all of the sudden, she has a real curiosity and doesn’t want to miss out. Awesome!

Because I’ve been feeling a little better, I’ve been able to see all of the positives more clearly. We’re making a lot of progress and I’m pleased about that. I hope I remember to write about those and not just the things that suck!

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I KNOW WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!!!!! There will be tons of fun and lots of photos. A certain someone and that certain someone’s gorgeous little daughter is in town and we’re excited over here! The fun filled weekend will kick off at our house tomorrow morning at 10:30 with Bloody Marys and Mimosas. Woo hoo!

13/31 Not necessarily sweet, but definitely true

It’s only 10:00 p.m., but I’m trying to sleep. Instead, I’m laying in bed, wide awake, courtesy of the cough. I’m waiting for the cough syrup with codeine to begin working. You know it’s bad when, after you take your teaspoon of cough syrup out of the little tiny medicine cup, you fill it with water, swish it around, and drink that. Then do it again. It’s like when you used to make Campbell’s Soup in college, and you had dump the soup into a blow, then add one can of water to the soup. Except I’m not in college. And it’s cough syrup, not soup. So I think I’m mostly just sad these days.  But anyway.  

So lying here, being unable to sleep, I did what anybody in that position would do; Iturned on the television and flipped between an infomercial hawking an ab machine that I desperately needs, once the torn muscles heal and Skinemax porn did a little thinking.

(I don’t watch porn, for the record, although I did accidentally order one in a hotel once (but didn’t watch it) and then another time I accidentally caught ten minutes one night when I couldn’t sleep. I literally watched a full ten minutes, thinking I was watching the stupidest movie EVER, before the “action” sequence began, and then suddenly all the bad dialogue and pathetic pickup attempts made sense and I had to scramble for the remote, which was across the room, which is why I was watching the stupidest movie ever in the first place. Laziness. Leaned my lesson.  Who accidentally watches porn and thinks it’s a really bad Lifetime movie? Apparently, me.)

Anyway, I’ve been thinking, in between coughing fits, and I’ve come to a few conclusions: racism is very ugly and I probably have yet to *really* see it. I saw a whole new side  of it on when we took Molley to the ED the first time and it was very disturbing. Then I tried to stop thinking about that, because anger isn’t a good emotion for me when I’m trying to sleep. So I started thinking about adoption.

If you read my blog back when we first brought Mattix home, you’ll recall it wasn’t easy. That’s an understatement. Not to beat a dead horse, but it was beyond difficult. As I’ve said, I read. I prepared for the worst. I was practical. And then we met Mattix. And I realized that maybe the stuff in the books – the books that honestly address the difficult parts - didn’t really capture the stuff in real life. We came home, and it got harder. I know other adoptive parents would look at me in real life or read my blog and think, “Maybe it’s difficult or maybe she’s crazy.” I know that because I saw and heard reactions, and nowthat I’ve adopted a child out of an orphanage where she was at least treated like a human being (and it was a lot better than that), it’s challenging to wrap your mind around what it’s like to adopt a child from an orphanage where your child was treated…let’s just say terribly and leave it at that. (Although “terribly” doesn’t being to cover it.)  I met other amazing, supportive moms who were either experiencing similar things or had experienced them, and because of those women, I was able to realize that (1) I wasn’t crazy; and (2) more likely than not, everything was going to be okay. Not immediately, but eventually. With a lot of work. And commitment.

And, as I said in an email to a friend tonight, everything turned out just fine. In fact, everything is far better than I could have imagined. It is incredible. The amount of love I have for Mattix cannot be explained in words. He makes me feel that thing that moms always talk about, but that made no sense to me before he was in my life for a while. And even that thing that women think they’re going to feel, but don’t really get until they’re moms and actually feel it.

But I didn’t feel that for him at first. In fact, I didn’t feel it for a long time. Maybe it’s terrible to say it, but as I say far too often these days, it is what it is. I know a lot of adoptive moms DO feel it right away. I envy that. I read a blog that I love a few weeks ago and the mom was reflecting on the time when she first met her daughter. And she felt that instant, immediate connection and love. I know it happens and I don’t doubt people who feel it. It just doesn’t happen to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved Matty from the minute I saw his photo. And I felt the same way about Molley. But there is a huge difference between general love and the kind of love you feel for your child when you’re entirely connected and attached to him/her. I think it’s partly my personality combined with the fact that my beautiful babies were not brand new babies when I me them. They had personalities and likes and dislikes. And it takes a while to get to know these little people. In Mattix’s case, it took quite a while for him to even get to a point where he would allow me to know him. And so through all of that, I loved Mattix, but not the way I love him now. I loved him because I committed myself to being his mom, because I took care of him like his mom, and because I wanted him to know that I was (and am) his mom.

When Molleywas in the hospital at Children’s, I was so impressed with all of the staff – nurses, doctors, and adminstrative – that was inerestedin learning about adoption, the process, the bad parts and the good parts. At some point, there were at least eight people in the room who had nothing to do with our care, but had just come in to ask questions. Because she’s still young, I have no problem educating people who are truly inerestedin learning. It was one of the first times I was sincerely that impressed with a lot of people who really wanted to know more and who were so interested for the rightreasons, not the plain curiosity, I-can’t-stand-not-knowing reasons.  I laid in Molley’s bed withher the whole time b/c she has a very serious need to be physically close, especially when she is scared, and I had a number of people comment to me that I was so natural at being her mom and that they were surprised that I’d only been home with her for two weeks. That made me laugh. Partly because I’m not natural at all. I’m just not. I think I’ve done it enough to know what to do now without thinking about it, but I don’t really have many instincts. And partly because I still don’t feel totally like Molley’smom. She makes it easy – she’s very into me, she gives hugs and kisses, she reaches up to me, she’s sweet and smiley and cuddly and open and all she wants is to be loved and to give love - but I’ve only known her for one month.

 As I lay here tonight, frustrated that I don’t feel that deep level of love yet for Molley, feeling badly that I’m frustrated with the situation – the unbelievable diaper blowouts, the cleaning up poo, the projectile vomiting, the clinginess, being so sick myself, the ER visits, the hospitalization - I thought about how I felt with Mattix. A lot of my feeling badly right now stems from the fact that I truly never felt frustrated with  Matty. I was patient and calm and just plugged along like a machine. I was a woman on a mission; I was going to show this kid that I loved him, that I was going to be kind to him, that he could count on me. I was going to MAKE him believe it. And I did. Ed and I both did.

What I realized, though, is that through all of that, I didn’t feel a sudden or quick level of attachment myself. In fact, I can sort of trace my attachment to Mattix through weekends I went away. We came home with Matty on December 19th. I went away in mid-May for the first time. I had no reservations about going. I missed him, but I was just fine. Then I went again in mid-July, and I missed him more than the last time, but I was still fine. And then we went to Vegas in March. Both of us. And oh my gosh, I thought I was missing my right arm. I missed Matty like crazy. I thought about him all day long. And finally, when we went to Ethiopia for two weeks and left him with my parents (still one of the better choices I’ve made), it was just painful. I knew he was in great hands, so I didn’t allow my missing him to interfere with our trip or with our time with Molley, but it hurt. And then seeing how thrilled he was when we came home made the feelings even stronger.

So, here I am with two little ones. The frustration I’m feeling doesn’t pertain to Molley, I realized. Of course I had more patience with Matty because it was JUST him. And I didn’t come home from Vietnam super sick. Tired and worn out, sure, because Matty didn’t sleep for so long, but sleep deprived and super sick are two different things. And there are two littles now, not one. I’m frustrated not with Molley, but with being tired and sick and unable to give her 100% of my attention the way I did for Mattix, and being unable to give Mattix as much attention as I’d like due to the changes.

And I also realize that I’m frustrated with not feeling attached to her like I know that I eventually will. Now that I know what that feels like, I want it NOW! Last time, I had no idea what the end result would be. I just went on the journey and experienced it as it occurred. This time, I know what’s waiting at the end and I hate that I can’t just get there. Now. But I will. And I suspect it will be sooner this time, both because Molley is in a position where she’s open to that, and because I know how this works now. It will also be easier once I’m back to 100% and once Molley is totally well.

The thing with international adoption is that I never expected my kids to come home perfect. I expected them to need healing and attention – either emotional or physical or both. Matty had a lot of emotional needs and Molley has a lot of physical one. It’s funny how you do it once and you think you have it all figured out, then you do it again and the circumstances are entirely different and it’s like you’re parenting an internationally adopted child for the first time.

Mattix was very physically on track, if not advanced. He was sort of a anomaly- he never vomited or spit up, he didn’t really get sick for months, he never had ran a fever, he was freakishly strong (even though some of his muscle groups needed help with OT),  he was nearly walking at 10 months and would have walked too early if he hadn’t regressed so much when we came home (I was glad), he ate like a pig, loved trying new foods, never refused anything, and he drank tons of formula (so much so that I actually had to water it down).  He was (and is) smart as a whip and was painfully aware of his surroundings. He screamed bloody murder in the car seat. He didn’t much care for me.  He was very hurt. He was defiant because he had to be that way to survive.  He didn’t want me to hold him or rock him. He kicked me and hit me. He pulled his hair out, hit himself in the head, and scratched his little ears until they were bloody messes. He cried all night. He was afraid but didn’t wan to show it.

Molleyis open to being loved and and she shows love. She smiles all the time and doesn’t want me to put her down. She likes the car seat and either babbles or falls right to sleep. She’s happy so long as she’s being held or is next to me. She sleeps well if she’s in our bed. She’s cuddly. She likes to have a hand or foot on either Ed or me while she sleeps. She loves to make eye contact. She wants to be held. She doesn’t eat enough. She’s so tiny that it scares me a little, although her legs are getting fatter by the day (!), she vomits all the time, she fights me sometimes when I feed her baby food, she makes herself vomit, she has a lot of catching up to do physically – every day, I work with her to learn to sit up from a lying down position, to pull up, to put weight on her legs. She’s afraid and insecure if I leave the room.

Matty couldn’t sleep with me, even though I tried. Molley can’t sleep without me, even though I tried. Matty wanted to eat all day long. Molley could go all day without eating. Matty wanted desperately to be mobile. Molley is happy laying around all day, just hanging out. Matty was never sick. Molley’s been sick (either with the giardia or a cold or an ear infection or a virus) since we met her. Matty didn’t want me near him. Molley doesn’t want me out of her sight.

See what I mean? One situation isn’t better than the other. They’re just entirely opposite; so much of what I figured out with Mattix doesn’t apply to Molley. Sure, I’ve learned a ton just having parented in general and also from having parented an adopted child, but the fact of the matter is that they’re two different kids, who came from two different backgrounds. So I just have to experience this journey and take it as it comes, as I did with the last one. And I have to remember to celebrate each milestone as we reach it, as I did last time. I’m so focused on what I know will come – that intense, crazy, amazing level of attachment and a child that is well adjusted, secure, and loving - that I’m forgetting to do what I did last time: figure it out as it comes. Enjoy it. Celebrate the small stuff. And appreciate the experience for what it is.

So I’m trying to reset my thinking and my expectations. Beginning tomorrow, I’ll start over. I’ll do my best to appreciate each day and what we accomplish. I’m pretty sure I know what the ultimate outcome is, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t enjoy the road that leads to it.

12/31 Sweet: My Matty’s back!

My sweet little Matty took a vacation for about a week and a half. He was replaced by his evil twin whose sole purpose in life was to torture me with endless whining, yelling, defiance, and general pissiness. My Bug’s evil twin was very, very draining. I had to remind myself frequently that I don’t believe in beating spanking yelling at raising my voice to my kids.

And then yesterday, Matty woke up from his nap and poof! He was back. My sweet little guy returned, just like that. I came home late because of the appointments and testing, but Ed called to let me know that my I’d be coming home to my Bug. Thank GOODNESS and not a moment too soon. I was greeted with a huge hug and kiss, then another, then he gave one to Ed and Molley, just for good measure. Been the same all day today.

My mom picked Matty up late this afternoon for a sleepover at her house. She was hoping to give me a little break to get some rest and not chase a two year old around. I appreciate it very much, although now that he’s back to his sweet self, I miss him! I’m in a ton of pain and I can’t really pick him up. Scratch that. Thanks to the percocet, I can totally pick him up, but I probably shouldn’t because I’m probably hurting myself even more.

Matty was sooo excited to go to MaMaw and Papa’s house. If I didn’t love his relationship with my parents so much, I might have been a little ass hurt. My mom knocked on the door and he yelled, “MaMaw’s here!” He helped me open the door, walked right out and demanded, “Go! MaMaw’s car!” Ed told him to come in and close the door because the air was on, so he literally turned around and tried to close it with both he and my mom still outside. So cute. When he’d finally had enough of our chit catting, he grabbed his little backpack out of the toy chest (mistankenly believing his overnight stuff was in there), slung it over his shoulder, and exclaimed, “Come on, MaMaw. Bye bye, Mommy! Bye bye , Daddy! Bug you!” We each got a kiss and he was outta here.

I miss him! However, I think it’s good for him to be spoiled by his grandparents, especially now, and it’s good for Molley to have a little one-on-one with me.  And it’s good for me to have a break.

Thanks for the emails and comments. I really am fine. I feel like crap from having an infection, a virus we still can’t figure out, and mono. Yup, mono. I guess when you’re sick for like two months before going to Ethiopia, then get really sick, there, then don’t get better, you get run down enough to get mono. It’s like I’m in college, minus the partying, boozing, and social life. And for the record, I’ve already had a horrible case of mono (when I was in college, but I wasn’t partying, boozing, or having much of a social life at the time), so this is just an insult. I’d previously pulled muscles and cracked a rib from coughing over the last few weeks, but yesterday, I actually tore cartilage. I knew exactly what I’d done when I felt the pop and nearly lost consciousness from the pain, but my PA insisted on another chest x ray and CT scan to make sure I didn’t have pleurisy or an abscess. That’s what happens when you choose Mayo-trained health care providers for that exact reason – their thoroughness. Usually a good thing (99% of the time), but every once in a while, it’s sort of a pain.

I’m too tired to put up any photos or say anything intelligent. I think I’d better sleep while I can! We’re halfway to the weekend, which is going to be very exciting for me…another reason I need to rest now…so I can be ready for the fun!