Six Reasons You Are a Better Mom and I am.

(1) I was complaining to my mom that neither of my kids would take a pacifier. Complaining a lot. She mentioned – as in, told me a story, not made a suggestion – that in the “old” days, moms would dip pacis in Carrow’s Syrup or Molasses.  We don’t do Carrows, because I think Corn Syrup is the devil, especially high fructose corn syrup, despite what the Corn Refiners Association tries to bull shit me into believing with their nausea-inducing, you’ve-got-to-be fuc*king with me ”Sweet Surprise” commercials. Sweet surprise? Yeah, I see a lot of Sweet Surprises all around me, every frickin’ day. In the form of morbidly obese children. And P.S., don’t tell me we grew up on it and are just fine because my mom didn’t let us eat anything with that shit in it. And also? While I was in Ethiopia, I tasted real Coke (the drink, you guys) – and guess what? Coke made with cane sugar instead of HFCS is freaking delicious. HFCS tastes like liquid ass in comparison. But then I guess it’s good that Coke shoves a giant shovel up Americans’ asses and puts HFCS in it because if it had cane sugar, I’d drink about three a day like I did in Ethiopia and *I* would be morbidly obese. And then I couldn’t even blame HFCS. Never mind. Let’s just keep the HFCS in the Coke.  Although, if I walked around as sick as I was in Ethiopia, I’d just live off of Coke, like I did there, and I’d still lose weight. So yeah, now that I think about it, Coke should be made with cane sugar. Yet another way HFCS if screwing us – I don’t even consume it and I’m ten pounds fat. Freaking Sweet Surprise my ass.

Anyway, back to number one. Just had Ed open the stuck-closed jar of Molasses. Dipped the paci. Worked like a charm. I think if I do that like five or six times, maybe Molley will just take it on her own. Is it too late to get Mattix hooked, too? I mean, a paci in the mouth means peace and quiet, right? Then it occurred to me that eventually, I’ll have to get her off  of it. A little googling and I’m totally calm. I learned the trick for that is to dip the paci in whiskey or coffee. Because I don’t want CPS to come take my kids (even though the state of my house suggests maybe they should, and even though there were a few distinct times last week that I might have liked that), I won’t use whiskey. Coffee it is.

(2) I was unloading, bottle by bottle, the Menage a Trois (cabernet, pervs) out of the CASE I purchased last night and carrying them from the garage into the house. I may be able to work magic when it comes to wine, but even I can’t lift a full case with a baby strapped to my chest. No baby? I can carry two at a time. Easy. some people get superhuman strength in emergencies, like when  car is sitting on their kid. I get superhuman strength if wine is involved. Or Vodka.  But only the good stuff. Like Grey Goose. Anyway, as I was standing up with two bottles in each hand, I thought Molley was starting to slip out of the Ergo. Instinctively, I’d grab her and drop the bottles, right?  Wrong. Instincilvey, I set the bottles down first.

(3) Molley picked her head up to watch a little Olivia with Matty and I swear to God, I thought I might need a moment to myself. This kid wants to watch TV? At eight months? Rock N’ Roll. I’m going to unwrap all of those Baby Einstein videos I left in the plastic because Mattix scoffed at me. Then I’m gonna be able to spend all the money I would have had to pay to a babysitter on wine. Then I’m gonna be able to drink in the middle of the day while she’s watching TV. The quality of my life just improved tenfold.

(4) On Monday, my mom, Matty and I were eating lunch. Actually, my mom and Matty were eating lunch. Molley was having a bottle. I was staring longingly at my Greek salad, salivating like a dog. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Molley reached up and took her bottle. First time she’s done that. Any good adoptive mom would gently push her hands away. Me? I totally slammed down five bites before I reclaimed that bad boy. Then I may or may not have had her do it again for a few more bites.

(5) I’m typing this with Molley in the carrier and her bottle held in her mouth with my chin. Swear. You should try it. Use a small bottle, though, not a big one, esp. if you have a big head like me. Otherwise, your kid will have to push their head way back, and I’m all about baby’s comfort. Small bottle = perfect distance.

(6) Molley and I had our best bonding time yet Tuesday evening on the tennis court. True story. We giggled and loved on each other and had a great time. Our friends Kedra and Kimberly were playing while Mommy (that’s me) chugged sipped a Goose and tonic out of a giant, plastic water bottle with a plastic straw so our HOA nazis didn’t write my ass up and threaten to lean our house  for violating the no booze in common places rule. (P.S. Go for it  and p.p.s. Good luck. Our house is worth $hit compared to what we purchased it for. Keep on sending me those letters about our “black Tahoe in the driveway.” Suck on it.) Anyway, as I was saying, Kedra and Kimberly were playing tennis and Molley and I sat on the sidelines, enjoying our together time. This really was the best bonding time since we got home. We were out of the house, free of distractions, like cockroach covered filth and laundry. In fact, even the flying balls didn’t phase me, thankyouverymuch Grey Goose. I actually caught a dangerous one with my left hand (I’m right handed) and didn’t even flinch. I figured if I got nailed, you’re all relaxed when you’re drunk tired.  And babies are like rubber, right? Mattix and Ed (and Kimberly’s hubby, Nick)  eventually joined us. But anyway, best bonding time yet. Did I mention that clear liquid gold (Vodka) is the best bonding tool ever?

Molley, chilling on the beach towels on the court:

And now, just because I’m posting photos, here’s one of Matty, running SOOO fast! It’s blurry, but I just love the way he holds his arms out when he’s running at full speed:

And finally, I may be the world’s worst mom, but I’m the world’s best friend. I extracted *this* with my keys and my bare hands:

(That’s a jumping cactus, FYI)

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So, did I make you feel better about yourselves?!