And Bipolar was her name, O! And my awards!

I’m pretty sure I’m officially bipolar at this point. I went from having a great weekend and a great morning (despite spending THREE and a HALF HOURS a the ped’s office) to crying in the corner. Okay, not in the corner, but in the car. While driving. Have I mentioned how much I love Matty? He actually said, from the BACKSEAT (and I wasn’t loudly sobbing at all, for goodness sakes, because I never cry and when I do, I’m pretty good at controlling it), “Mommy! Mommy! It okay!”

The good news I was hoping for – the good news that ain’t comin’ – is that we wouldn’t have to move. It looked like there was a very good chance we were going to be able to stay put. You know what sucks? I’m actually more heartbroken now, after thinking we might get to stay after thinking we had to move, than I was when we first learned we had to move. And I was devastated then. So I’m pretty much going to go back to the corner to curl up into the fetal position and rock when I finish this post.

I’m kidding, of course. This is life, and I’ll say what I always say: it could be worse. Ed and I actually semi-planned, and definitely knew we’d keep it as an option,  to move at some point. We know that this probably isn’t the best place to raise our kiddos b/c of the lack of diversity, and had agreed that we’d pack it up and move to DC if it’s what was best for our family…in five or six YEARS. YEARS. Five or six of them. Not months. Not one or two of them. Not now, not when I have an eight month old and a two year old. Not when I need my family and my friends. Not when we cannot sell our house that is worth six figures LESS than we paid for it, thankyouverymuch shitty economy, nor can we rent it because half of the neighborhood is up for rent. And we happen to plan to move to a little bubble in the middle of a crappy economy where things are nearly as expensive as always (and way, way more expensive than where we live). Anyway, there’s a lot for us to figure out in a short period of time. It will all work out. We’re fortunate Ed got a great job in the midst of all this crap, we’re fortunate to have health insurance again, and we’re fortunate to be moving to one of the TWO places in the entire country I said I’d consider living if or when I moved away from my family. (Not DC, but the other.) So, all’s well that end’s well. I just have to get to that end part – where I’m moved into a new place, with all of our stuff, away from my family, with both wrists intact, to see that it ends well. Know what I mean? Everything’s gonna be alright, still, but just not right now.

I got Molley to nap for 45 minutes during Matty’s nap. Rock N’ Roll! Unfortunately, Mattix woke up very, very upset. He’s done it every day now for over a week. Maybe we’re seeing a little of the upset from being left for two weeks while we were in Ethiopia. We’ve worked very hard on Matty’s sensory issues and have all but taken care of them, but every once in a while, I can really see them when he wakes up before he wants to wake up. There’s grumpy…and then there’s an inability to self-regulate. I probably cannot describe it. For months after we were home, he woke up just like this every single time he woke up. And he woke up a lot – like 15 times a night.  When he first started to nap, he woke up like this from every. single. nap. Then it got better and better, and with OT, we were down to once a month. So, this past week has been tough. It’s very hard as a mom to have your baby experiencing trauma that he cannot explain and I cannot fix. Now that he is much more verbal, he cries, “Come here, Mommy!” in a very desperate voice. I run to his room, but even after I’m holding him, he just cannot calm down for some time. He usually repeats, “Peezee, Mommy.” But I don’t know what he’s trying to say or get me to do. He doesn’t really know, either. I often wonder if he’s having memories of his time before us. That time was very, very terrible. I hope that’s not the case. I wish he could forget that time. At least for now, while he’s so little. It makes me feel very helpless and sad. Hmmm…a recurring theme lately.

Thank goodness for Kedra. Mattix woke up traumatized, Molley was already screaming, and so I had to screaming babies – one on each hip – and I was losing it! My broken rib side, where I put Molley b/c she’s smaller, was starting to cry, too! And Matty wanted to be completely wrapped around me. I called Kedra and she came and took Molley from me so that I could calm Mattix. She offered him chocolate and it certainly helped. I do worry about Molley’s attachment b/c she is getting “passed” a bit more than I’d like, but I do think we’ll be okay in the long run.

Kedra went to dinner with us b/c the idea of sitting home with the kids tonight was too much, shared ice cream with Matty, and then…the girl is crazy…went to Walmart with us. Yikes. I hate to admit that my kids and I totally fit in. Molley puked everywhere two or three times – like everywhere, all over the floor, all over herself, all over Kedra (because she was holding her) and Mattix wouldn’t quit yelling for my attention when he wanted something. Yelling. The real highlight came when I got a SHARD OF GLASS lodged in my finger. Wait for this. Somehow, a shard of glass ended up on…seriously, wait for this…the bottle of Diet Tonic water that Kedra made me get so I would come home and drink Vodka tonics instead of doing straight up shots. Kidding. Sort of.  (Didn’t end up drinking anything at all. Now I’m really pissed about the glass situation.)

How in the world does a shard of glass get stuck to a soda bottle, then get lodged in my finger? I had to use my nails on my left fingers to extract it form my right middle finger. It took five full minutes and it hurt!  Then it bled like crazy. I was all, “Motherfuc*er, I’m gonna get Hep C! I’m bleeding to death. Call 9-1-1.  I’m gonna own this place” and Kedra was all, “First off, it’s a shard of glass, not a dirty needle. Second, do you really wanna own this place? And third, you haven’t even soaked one wet wipe with blood. I feel like you’re not going to bleed to death at that rate.” Whatever. I think she’d be singing a different song if she were the one who contracted Hep C from Wally World.

Oh, before I forget, Molley’s appointment went very, very well. All of the labs that came back were jut perfect – HIV (so, HIV neg), CBC, TSH, T3, and a few others. In fact, based on some of the results, our pediatrician felt very confident that Molley’s malnutrition did not affect her brain development. She determined this because she said that if it were severe enough to adversely affect brain development, it would also show up in (some organ – cannot remember) and that everything was fine in that respect. What a relief.

My girls is now 27.5 inches long and weighs 14 pounds, 12 ounces. Woo hoo! Up almost two pounds in three weeks. We’re doing great with the amount of formula she is getting and we can continue to add Step 1 Baby food, as we’ve been doing for a few days. I thicken it with rice cereal, which is just filler, but I’m hoping to fix the liquid fountain of $hit situation. Three blowouts in an hour this morning. One of them ruined her new fancy swing. I know this because I washed it. Twice. With serious stain remover and detergent. Anyway, I’m over it. I want it to stop. That was after a double projectile vomiting all over my bedding at 5:30 this morning, right after she woke up. We started the day off like champs.

Molley got her first (and only) shot today: a DPT. We’ve chosen to re-vaccinate instead of titer. There are a few reasons and if anyone cares, I’ll share them. We did not do this for Mattix for very good reasons. But this situation is different. However, I’m only giving her one vaccine at a time and waiting at least two weeks between each vaccine. At this rate, we’ll be living at Children’s, but oh well. More chances to pick up Swine Flu.  AND Molley had a TB test. She didn’t cry during either the test or the vaccine. Started to let out a yell, but then it was over and she quit!  She nuzzled her little head into my chest and let me comfort her.

Mattix was a rock star, too! Hep A and a TB test and not a cry. He got PISSED at the end of the Hep A, but again, it was over just as he got good and annoyed so he let it go. I told him he could go pick out a sticker while Molley took her turn and he was outta there. Thank goodness my mom came today. She is such a huge help. She kept Matty outside and entertained during our nearly hour and a half at the lab. Hopefully, this was the last set of labs for Ms. Molley. It only took two veins today.

I’m still crazy paranoid about the swine flu. We spent 3.5 hours at Children’s Hospital today and I promise you, if there’s an outbreak in my state, Children’s will be the epicenter. I bathed in hand sanitizer every three minutes and did the same with Matty and Molley. Good thing my Bug is OCD. It got so bad HE started beating me to the punch and was asking for “more san-ee-ti-za” before I even offered it. Also? Good thing I had the death flu already, otherwise, I’d be sure I had the swine flu and I’d totally lose my shit. I mean, I had all the symptoms. And? As if living in a border state isn’t enough, Ed flew to and from California today. I was all, “Try not to breath much on the plane. Don’t touch your face or your mouth. Wash your hands. Lots of sanitizer. If you’re near anyone who coughs, move away immediately.” He may or may not have consulted a divorce attorney at some point today.

Finally, I was given a few blog awards by bloggers I adore, respect, and admire. I have to list them. I’m going to be a total loser and not follow through with nominating other bloggers, only because I’m tired as hell and I’m a piece of crap blogging friend right now. I can say this in all honesty – I would give it to every last person who has been so supportive through emails, phone calls, and comments on my whiny, pathetic posts – since we came home. You guys are incredible. Here they are:

J  gave me the Lemonade Award. J knows me. She made mention of the “hard” version of Lemonade. If only. Thank you so much, J! You know how much I appreciate your perspective on all of the tough stuff as well as your support.   And as if that wasn’t cool enough, Tracy, who I’ve more or less been blog stalking (which started out as a Yahoo stalking situation from one of the groups) for two years, nominated me for the same award. I have a tremendous amount of respect for Tracy. It would take a while to go through it all, but if you know her, you know what I mean.

 “You have been nominated for your Great Attitude and/or Sincere Gratitude you have shown through your adoption journey!”

Here are the rules…

1. Put the logo on your blog or post.

2. Nominate at least 10 blogs that show attitude and/or gratitude.

3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.

4. Let them know they have received this award by commenting on a post.

5. Nominate your favorites and link to this blog.

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I already blew the rules. But I explained that one. Thank you so much, girls! I fee like I’m not making lemonade lately, but rather just drowning in sour lemon juice. Or whining that it’s burning the spots where I tried to slit my wrists. Kidding, of course. Truly – thank you!

Kelly gave me the Friends Award, which is just awesome that anybody even wants to be my friend at this point. Wait, she gave this to me three weeks ago. Anyway. I appreciate it! If Kelly wants to be your friends, you’re pretty much a great person. So, by default, I’m a great person.

Now, my instructions, to pass this honor on to eight other bloggers  Per the rules: these blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbon of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.

—

Again, I suck. I’m sorry. I’m so tired my eyes are tearing like Molley’s do, only hers are a result of clogged tear ducts, and mine are exhaustion. I slept for three hours Sunday night. I’ve got to do better tonight.

I listed these awards so you guys would totally have this picture of me as a great person in your heads before you read the post I’m putting up tomorrow on attachment. ‘Cause that’s going to make you think I’m a total piece of $hit mom. Well, a bigger total piece of $hit mom than you probably already think I am. However, I know that there’s got to be ONE, just one, person who feels similarly. And maybe you’ll feel a little better than you’re not the only piece of $hit, but rather one half of the $hit mother sandwich. Please don’t judge too harshly. I’m tired and beat down. And sad. I’ll put it up tomorrow night.

Thanks again, ladies, and thanks to everyone who actually finished reading this crap!

Everything’s Gonna Be Alright**

(WP sucks. It ate my entire 1500 word post. Bite me, WP. You’re taunting me, aren’t you? Just wait ’til I switch to Blogger. Then who’s gonna be laughing?!)

Ed came home on Friday night around 9:00. I was on my next door neighbor/really good friend Kedra’s  back patio, drinking wine and relaxing. Because Molley doesn’t really go to bed, but rather falls asleep on her own time, Matty’s bed time has been pushed waaaaay back. Whatev. I’m in survival mode. We go with the flow. Actually, if I had known (before Molley) that consisently putting Mattix to bed at 9:30 meant he was going to sleep until 7:30, but not mess with anything else, I would have done this a LONG time ago. I’m all about the late nights/late mornings. And? He has been sleeping for longer stretches at night now that he’s going to be later! So far, he’s totally into it, too. Bummer for ME that Molley’s into the late night/EARLY mornings. Oh well. In the past, on the rare occasion Mattix was up past his bedtime, he still woke up super early. However, it appears that with consistently late bed times, he digs consistently late (and late around here is 7:30) wake ups. If I’d only known…

Anyway, Ed came home and Mattix was stoked. I love seeing how happy Matty is to see his daddy. He was just thrilled.  My baby loves his daddy and it warms my heart to see the two of them together. They have such a special relationship. Mattix got super wound up because he was so excited, yet he went right to bed at 9:30 when Ed put him down. Molley fell asleep in Ed’s arms with a bottle. That seems to be what’s best for her right now. No rocking or trying to intentionally put her to bed. Just letting her chill and finally fall asleep when she’s too tired to actually keep her eyes open. As tome point, even fighting the sand man doesn’t result in victory. I’m really learning that just because both of my children came from orphanages doesn’t mean that they both need to be treated the same. I know that sounds really stupid, but in my mind, all adopted kids need the same thing. So not true. I’ll figure this out one day.

Anyway, Saturday morning, after I woke up at 8:30, ALONE in my bed in peace and quiet b/c Ed slept in the guest room with two baby monitors so I could get some rest, I decided a little solo time was in order. Here’s the deal with me. I need my alone time. I love being a mom, but by far, the hardest part is losing every bit of my “me” time. (That’s why nap time became so important to me, but now that it’s gone, I’m a little lost). I’m a very independent person. I have friends that *need* their spouses or significant others, that don’t like to be left alone, that need them around all the time. That’s all well and good for them, but for me, I like a little time completley to myself. I’m very social and I’m very into my husband, friends, and family, but I’m also independent. So having one, and now two, littles dependent on me is not always easy for me. I need a little time, even if it’s surrounded by my friends or family, where nobody is *hanging* one me. Does that make sense? I realize I’m probably not a normal girl, but this is what makes me, me!

I woke up and hung out in my room, ALONE, for almost an hour. Loved it. When I decided I was ready to face the chaos that is my life, I was greeted by my adorable little two year old. Love him so much. The way he says, “Mommy!” just about does me in every time. Molley was also happy to see me. Too happy. She no longer wanted anything to do with Ed once she spotted me. I told Ed he’d have to make it work and I handled a lot of the crap I didn’t have a chance to deal with while I was flying solo this week, like the nearly months worth of mail that had been piling up since the day before we left for Ethiopia, bills, and a few phone calls. Then I was outta here! I went to lunch, sans kiddos, with two friends, and afterwards, we went for pedicures and manicures. HEAVEN. My toenails looked like something out of a horror film. It was almost embarrassing. I actually cannot remember the last time they were deal with properly. This girl who religiously had bi-monthly pedicures before becoming a mom was sporting a horrendous mess. All’s right in the world now.

When I came home, I swear to you, my new baby girl acted like I’d been gone a month. I needed to be away from both kids to reset after the week I had, but Molley’s reaction when I walked in the door? Way better than I could have anticipated. She switched between looking into my eyes and giggling out loud (the most laughing I’ve heard from her since meeting her) and nuzzling her sweet little face into my chest and wrapping her arms around me in a hug. She did that for ten solid minutes. Giggles and hugs. I think I fell more in love with her in that 10 minutes than I have in the past week. She really makes me smile. She’s a gift.

Ed made Claypot salmon for dinner and Kedra and I died and went to heaven. I’m telling you – my hubby can cook Vietnamese food that almost tastes authentic. A few of his dishes are just as good as the food we had in Vietnam. I’m lucky! I’d be really lucky if I lost a pound a day while pigging out like I did in Vietnam. But we can’t have it all, can we?!?!

Molley once again fell asleep in Ed’s arms when she was ready. And wait for this. She slept until 7:30 this morning. That’s right – 9:30 p.m. until 7:30 a.m. STRAIGHT! How lucky is Ed (because he was on duty)?!?! Okay, how lucky am I? I slept until…and this is embarrassing…11:00 a.m. In my defense, at 4:00 a.m., after coughing for four straight hours and nearly dying form the pain of my broken ass rib, I took two shots (or two teaspoons, but shots sounds way more exciting, doesn’t it?) of cough syrup with codeine. Then it was lights out until 11:00. Am I the only one who reacts this way to narcotics? Been this way my whole life. Kedra told me she polished off an entire bottle of the same cough syrup last time she was really sick. Me? You can barely tell I’ve hit my bottle! I’m just so sensitive to narcotics.

Today was equally great. Kedra and I hung out with another friend who is moving soon, then went to lunch. Um, hint for anyone with a baby that wants to sit up for a fair length of time, but cannot: Boppy in the high chair! My life got 100 times better today, when I was able to enjoy my chips and salsa and fajitas with Molley in a high chair. I buckled her in, then put the Boppy securely around her. She loved it even more than I did. She would sit up until she got too tired, then she’s lean back and chill against the Boppy.  I swear, Molley never stopped smiling for the hour I shoved chips and salsa into my mouth and gabbed. In fact, she blabbered along with me and polished off a jar of baby bananas. A girl after my own heart, huh?!

I’m so glad Ed was here this weekend. He is just laid back enough to handle the things that stress me out. He lounged around with Molley and gave her the attention she needed while I ran around and got tons of stuff done in the house. (He took care of the yard earlier in the day.) I think I’m down to only four loads of laundry remaining after working like a madwoman today and doing at least eight. Our couches may be covered with tons of clean clothes in various states of folding, but that’s better than the laundry room floor, right?! Ed can let Molley fall asleep on his lap and be okay with sitting there while she naps for 20 minutes. Me? I want to put her in bed so I can get stuff done while she sleep. Except she wakes right back up. That’s the difference between Ed and me! (And maybe the difference between a lot of men and women.) As much as I’d like to say my way is the right way, Molley needs what Ed can give her.

Ed made a wonderful lemongrass chicken dinner, we enjoyed company, Matty went to bed late again, Molley passed out in his arms around 9:30, and I can say with absolute certainty that tonight was perfect. I can’t wait until Ed starts cooking Ethiopian food with the same skill he cooks Vietnamese.

It’s now 1:30 in the morning, so I’d better get some rest. I realize the chances of Molley sleeping until 7:30 tomorrow are slim to none, especially because I’m on morning duty. Ed leaves for the airport at 5:30 a.m. We have a BIG pediatrician appointment tomorrow morning. My mom is going to help, because both kids are being seen. We have a LOT to address with Molley, plus a few things with Matty, including the TB test that was never done b/c he was given a BCG vaccine. However, after what I learned, I’m just kicking myself for not researching further. Anyway, let’s just pray his TB test is negative so I can say lesson learned, but no harm.

ALSO! We might have some really, really good news that will make everything in my life just perfect right now. We should know by Wednesday. I’m not going to write it, because I don’t want to jinx it, but please keep your fingers crossed that this works out for us. It would truly be a blessing.

And P.S. Is anybody else freaking out about the swine flu? Maybe it’s just because we live in a border state (and I’m a worrier), but I’m a total basket case.

**Bob Marley. Song title for blog post idea jacked from LawMommy. Sorry. In my defense, it’s been going through my head all day long. Plus? I have Bob Marley in my head b/c I can’t stop thinking about the Shashamane, where Molley was born, and where there’s a huge Rastafarian population. In fact, I really thought about it today, when I kept smelling the pot soaked blanket (and other items) we bought there. Love it. Not the pot smell, ’cause that ain’t my bag, baby (he he he), butt he memories it invokes. I already want to go back to Ethiopia the way I wanted to go back to Vietnam right after we got home (and still do). I’m so fortunate to experience what I have because of my children.