Tomorrow is our 8th Anniversary. And my husband is a big, fat, woman.

Tomorrow (Tuesday), Ed and I will celebrate our 8th anniversary. I won’t nauseate you with the envy-provoking details of our perfect marriage. Instead, you can read about it HERE. 

Seriously, though, eight years. This past year has proven to be the most challenging and the most wonderful – all at the same time. And yet our commitment to each other and our family never weakened.  We both thought we had it made, but then Mattix came into our lives, and we realized what having it made really meant.

I’m very grateful that I found the person who was meant for me at such a young age, and even more grateful that I wasn’t too worried about being so young so as to miss out on a life with Ed. I wrote about it last year, but of everyone I knew, I was truly the LEAST worried about having a boyfriend, let alone getting married.  It wasn’t in my five year plan when I met Ed, that’s for sure. Funny how that works out.

What’s also funny is what a woman my freaking husband has become. (Nice transition, huh?) I’ve been bitching about our ridiculously expensive cable/phone/internet bill for the past, oh, year. Seriously. $210 a month for stupid cable with a DVR on ONE TV, slow as all hell internet, and a phone line for $210 a month? So two weeks ago, I called up the competitor and switched our services over, which was a whole big pain in the ass in and of itself, but two weeks later, they finally have everything finished. And we’re saving $70 a month.

They did each thing separately, which meant three different people at our house at three different times. And the DirectTV dude – bless his hardworking soul (isn’t that what people in the south say? Bless his soul? I’m really trying to expand my repertoire of phrases ) was here on Saturday from 7:30 until 2:00. That’s a whole ‘nother issue that will get its own blog post. Not this DirectTV dude – he was great – but the other two who were too lazy to do the work on two different occasions.

So, anyway, my monumental money-saving move, the one that required me to be on the phone for TWO HOURS and the one that required three separate people to come to our house on three separate days – resulted in Ed’s own personal nirvana.

DirectTV has a lotta channels.

I’d like to give you a minute to brainstorm. Think, now. If you were a dude, what sorts of DirectTV channels would you be excited about? Keep in mind we even have billion and one sports channels and three free months of HBO and Skinemax, which, by the way, really does show soft core porn at night. And I don’t even get charged for it if I accidentally click on the title while I’m reading Ed the synopses and drinking Grey Goose. So think of what channels you’d be glad to have, if you were a dude.

And while you’re thinking, I’m going to bitch. I can’t find anything. Nothing. I can only find the basic channels b/c they’re the same. But where the hell is MTV? How can I watch mind numbing crap at 2:00 a.m. if I can’t find it? How can I find MTV when its buried amongst 2,000 channels? I’m not liking DirectTV.  I only need the same three or four channels to be happy. And I don’t know how to record stuff. And we lost all of our recorded episodes of Yo Gaba Gaba.  Matty cries, “Up up up, peezzee” and I’m all, “Sorry, little man, DirectTV has totally fuc*ked our lives up. There’s No Up Up Up ever again.”  My whole world has been rocked.

So, did you think of anything?

You’re probably wrong, b/c I’m married to a big, fat woman, although he’s not really big and he’s certainly not fat, which makes me bitter. Actually, he’s sorta little and very normal sized. If I only had that problem. But anyway, I’m married to a girl. It started the other day, when I walked in and found him watching re-runs of America’s Next Top Model on freaking Oxygen.

Yeah. OXYGEN.

I was all, “What the hell is wrong with you? You’re watching ANTP on Oxygen. Does your vagina ache or something?” and he was all sorts of defensive, which only makes him more suspect, and he was like, “NO! You KNOW I’m really into photography and that’s why I like ANTP” and I was all, “Listen, Samantha, the best thing you can say right about now is that you’re watching it because you like to see all of the starving 19 year old aspiring models running around the house half naked, ’cause I can’t think of anything much better than that” and he was like, “NO! Gross. It’s the photography.”

And then I thought about it for a minute. ‘Cause Ed really is into photographing people and he’s always liked ANTP (which is still suspect in and of itself), but OXYGEN? Really?

So I was all, “Whatever, douche, but you’re watching it on Oxygen. By the way, you might need to change your tampon. Can I get you a midol while I’m downstairs or anything?” and he was like, “Just shut up, okay, there’s nothing wrong with Oxygen. It’s just a channel.”

And then he changed the channel in an effort to prove that he really does have pe*nis. Too little, too late, if you ask me. The channel changing, I mean. I’m not commenting on anything else.

So I was ready to give him the benefit of the doubt, until tonight, when I was trying to write a blog post and he wouldn’t shut the hell up. He just kept yelling at the TV – things like, “Bitch! That ain’t right. No way. No wonder she sneaks around,”  snapping his fingers, and then saying, “Right, hun? Don’t you think?” So finally I had enough of his talking and I stopped pretending to listen  and/or and told him to just be quiet, but for some reason, I looked up and guess. what. the. f$ck. what?

He was watching the Tyra Show. On Oxygen.

And he was fired up b/c Tyra had these moms on the show who were all into snooping through their daughters’ $hit and some of them even put GPS devices in their cars and Ed was super put out about this terrible lack of trust and invasion of privacy and he was giving these women a piece of his mind.

Dude. I think my husband wears panties.

Then I told him I was going to blog about this when I was done blogging about our anniversary and he was all, “That’s some bull $hit. Don’t blog about it” but he knew I was going to do it anyway, so he was all, “Well, I’m really only watching it because I think Tyra’s hot” but I know that’s a lie because he’s commented plenty of times about how her boobs are too big for his taste and she’s like seven inches taller than him. So I know that was a lie.

So pretty much I’m married to a man-girl who watched Oxygen.

And we’re celebrating our 8th anniversary tomorrow.