Why Isn’t It Enough?

If you read this, please keep in mind that this is written entirely from my perspective. The situation is far more complicated if you bring our child into it and what occurred in his life so that he became a part of ours. I am writing here solely about my feelings. I’m not selfish, either. I realize there’s an entire other side to this that is far, far, more intricate. That’s another post. This one is me sorting through my own confusion. Please also know that I’m not insensitive to families who arrived at adoption following loss or who do not share my feelings. Again, that is not my experience.  I’m just a little frustrated right now and I want to get it out and ask for opinions. Maybe I’m just missing the point and someone can help me see it.

So, why isn’t it enough? That’s what I’d like to know. And I don’t mean that sarcastically, like I often mean my rhetorical, smart ass questions (I’m over the blog cuss-o-meter, by the way). I truly want to understand why it’s not enough. By not enough, I mean adopting my child(ren) rather than birthing them.

Ed and I have no desire to have biological children. There are reasons, although not even close to all-encompassing, and some know them, but the bottom line is that neither he nor I desire to have bio kids. So much so that Ed is going in for a vasectomy next month so that we can be sure that the only children we have come to us through adoption. Yeah, I’ll be sure to post a photo of him sitting on the couch with a bag of frozen pees on the boys. ) I’ve wanted to adopt my children since I was a young child and Ed thought that sounded fantastic when we discussed family. Before you think I’m a controlling woman who forced Ed on board, that’s not the case at all. It’s just another reason we’re so well matched. The way he responded to me when I brought it up a long time ago made it clear that we shared similar feelings. We didnt’ even really discuss it much before we were married other than to say that when we were ready for kids, we were going to adopt.

So, why isnt’ it enough? I’m really having trouble understanding why other people have such  difficulty understanding that. To me, it’s incredibly simple. I want children, I had no interest in becoming pregnant, neither Ed nor I care about biology, and that is that.

But to so many people, there’s something missing, something inherently wrong with our decision. I’m not referring to the people who make stupid comments or ask inappropriate ignorant questions, the type I wrote about HERE. Rather, I’m talking about perfectly reasonable, well intentioned, respectful people who don’t understand why in God’s name we would choose to adopt instead of have bio children, being that, to our knowledge, we’re technically capable of it. Or, at the very least, why we don’t want to have biological children in addition to being parents to adopted children.

The truly confused person that pushed me over the edge and caused me write this post is an very nice woman who owns a children’s boutique that I frequent. She’s not pushy, she’s not nosey, she’s not rude. She just couldn’t, for the life of her, understand. Ed and I were in the store and found a beautiful crib. I loved it. The problem is that I already purchased nursery furniture for our second child back when Ed and I were waiting to travel for Mattix. Ridiculous, I know, but I was shopping with my best friend for her nursery furniture (she was pregnant at the time) when I found The Set. It’s exactly what I knew I wanted for a daughter – solid, deep cherry wood and very classic – and the store was having an AMAZING sale. It’s very pricey furniture that I scored an incredible deal on and so I just couldn’t pass it up. Anyway, Ed and I were discussing the new crib we saw that day, trying to decide if we really needed a third set of nursery furniture when we only had one kid (the answer is no, of course, but whatever). She overheard us and asked if we were having more children. She knows that Mattix is adopted and I’m pretty sure she assumed we were adopting the next because of the way she asked. She asked something to effect of when we were adding another child to our family. I told her we were working on the paperwork and hopefully it would be within a year and a half or so. She said that was great, how exciting, etc., and then said, “But don’t you want biological kids also?” And I swear, she had the most quizzical, confused look on her face when I told her that no, neither of us wanted biological children. I tried my best to explain, but she just looked at me with that blank stare.

This made absolutely no sense to her. None. Because she’s not rude or pushy or inappropriate, she didn’t pursue it, but I’m well aware that to her, we’re weird. There’s something off about us. That families, and especially women, want to experience pregnancy. People who know me understand me. Maybe they don’t necessarily “get” it, but they understand me. They know me well enough to know that I’m not lying when I say that I have no desire to become pregnant, to experience that. They know that I’m not saying that so that I can avoid dealing with some deep feelings. When I say that I don’t want to become pregnant, I mean it. I don’t look at pregnant women and think that it looks amazing or nice or like something I’d like to experience. I’m not at all insensitive to the joy that pregnancy brings so many women (or to the incredible miracle that results), but for me, it never has been anything I’ve been even remotely interested in doing.

The only thing I can figure is that the people who ask me this question, then look at me like I’ve grown a second head, assume that I’m not dealing with something or that I really do want bio kids, but I just don’t want to address those feelings. i can assure you, 100%, that is not the case. Before we began our adoption, I didn’t even realize that by society’s standards, I wasn’t “normal.” I figured there were lots of people like me. Everyone around me treated me like a regular person during our process – I felt just like any woman who was trying to conceive or who was pregnant (again, this is from MY perspective, and deals nothing with Mattix’s journey or what I’ve learned in the past two years). Maybe there are lots of other people like me and I just haven’t found them. I dunno. What I do know is how I feel. And I feel frustrated that I don’t know how to convey to others that Mattix IS everything that I want. That adopting another child is EXACTLY what I want. It is enough and it is everything for me.

So, if you’re willing, please share your thoughts. Am I really that different? Is it so strange to want children but not to want biological ones? I’ve talked to my mom about it a lot and she understands. If my dad had been on board, she would have adopted and/or fostered a whole gaggle of children. (My dad had a very clear two child, um, plan. And my mom was okay with that. She just would have been okay with about five more if my dad had been as well.) She’s the one who raised me to think adoption was an equally valid and normal way of building a family. But I guess the world doesn’t share those feelings. I feel like single individuals who choose adoption to build their family are understood, but because Ed and I are a “couple,” it makes no sense. (By the way, I’m not saying single parents have it easy. I’m just saying the perception is different.)  I get it when people want to experience both biological children and adoption. So why doesn’t anyone get me? Insight?  Please be honest, but at the same time, please don’t attack me. I’ve been holding onto this post for a while b/c I’ve been nervous about posting it. I can take and appreciate honesty, but not an attack.