Rambling

First of all, thank you so much for your emails and comments about my possible surgery. The REALLY, really good news is that I do NOT have to have surgery!The bad news is not nearly as bad as surgery, so I’ll spare you the boring details. I know gall bladdersurgery is no big deal, but for me, any surgery means a few days in the hospital at a minimum and an abnormally long recovery period. The days before surgery are very difficult because I have to keep my blood sugars in a VERY tight range and I end up staying up the entire night before surgery, testing my blood sugar every 20 minutes because you can’t eat or drink before anesthesia. I’m always low in the mornings, without fail. that’s the way it has been for me since I was first diagnosed at age nine and that’s probably the way it will alwaysbe. Low blood sugars require food and or/drink, which you can’t have before surgery. Makes for a stressful night because if I get too low and have to treat, I have to cancel surgery and start over. And one day, I’ll tell you the long version of the story about the time one hospital nearly killed me by hanging the wrong drip (dextrose instead of saline), and another time the anesthesiologist thought that I would require the same amount of insulin as a Type II and was SHOCKED to learn that he would have put me in a coma or killed me by giving me 30 units of insulin (more than I take in an entire 24 hour period) when I really needed ONE unit – ten minutes before he put me under. For these reasons and more, even minor surgery is risky for me, so this has been by far one of the biggest reliefs in the recent months! And now that I’m having PTSD and you’re bored, I’m done with this topic.  

Next, I love my son. Yeah, I know, duh! But I have been overcome with emotion this past week. Part of it is a result of watching the required ten hours of “adoption education” for our next adoption and part of it is, well, just him. I’m in one of those periods where it’s almost hard for me to manage my feelings. I’m either smiling from ear to ear or trying not to burst into tears because I feel so overwhelmed (in a good way). I’m working on a post about all of the feelings this adoption education has stirred in both Ed and me. It’s not the videos per se, but the entire big picture of adoption and specifically, Mattix. And yes, I have feelings! Before our referral, I was pretty sure I didn’t have many, and the few I did have, I had completely under control. I wasn’t a feeling person. Ed had been working on that one for years. If he’d only known…all that time, I just needed a baby. Ha ha ha. I soooo wasn’t ready for a baby at any point in time before Mattix. And now just look what my kid has done to me!

Third, Mattix has exited the, ummm, what should I call it? The really crappy period of time he went through for about six weeks. I’d say we’ve been in the clear for a week now, but I didn’t want to count my chickens before they hatched, so to speak! The really good disposition made its appearance last Saturday or Sunday, so we’ve passed the week mark for sure. Beginning in late April/early May, Mattix entered an extremely difficult phase for me (and Ed). That is an understatement. Of course nothing he did tested my love for him – like I even need to say that - but it was very, very, very, very exhausting, especially when I was on my own with him for extended stretches of time. It certainly tested my patience. You know, nothing up until that point had tested my patience. Honestly. Nothing. That surprised even me, because I’m a very, very impatient person. But I seemed to have a plethora of patience for Mattix. Well, he finally did it! He tested ‘em. I did a lot of counting to ten in my head and breathing deeply. 

The months of May and early June were trying for me, completely unrelated to Mattix, and so the two things combined made it hard for me to, hmmm, again, how to say this? Hard for me to love like get through each day. I don’t expect my child to be a compliant little angel, so please don’t get me wrong. But there’s something in between compliant and very, very, very defiant and testy ALL. DAY. LONG. Oh, and whiny. Incredibly whiny.  I know it was a necessary phase, but that boy about wore me down. Everything was a battle and I had to stand my ground becausemI KNEW that if he did indeed succeed in one battle too many, he was going to win the war.  I know he’s, like, sixteen months old, and I’m in my late 20’s, but it’s amazing how they somehow can just push, push, push until you feel like letting them get away with murder because you’re too tired to fight it any longer.   Mattix has an extremely strong, stubborn personality. He redefines determined. I know not all kids are like that. But I know a lot are, and it’s not a bad thing. I think it’s a good thing. I’m quite the defiant bi*tch myself. Imagine that. It’s just, well, tiring, sometimes. THANK GOODNESS he’s back to his usual pleasant self. He keeps me on my toes and pushes a button here and there throughout the day, voices his displeasure when he feels the need to, and certainly lets me know when he disagrees with me, but for the most part, his pleasant, cheerful, loving, and FUN personality has made its reappearance and I’m enjoying it very much.  For those of you that are snickering at me, I’m well aware that we will go through these phases throughout his childhood. I’m just saying that I’m glad this one has ended.

What am I on? Fourth? I had my first moment of overprotective mommy today. I thought about beating a little snot nosed seven year old’s a$$ today. (Can you see my effort to clean up my blog with the use of “*” and “$”?  I’m really trying here.) Okay, maybe I didn’t really think about beating his a$$, but if I had thought about it, it would have been justified. We met my best friend Laura and her four month old daughter for lunch today.  I just finished telling you how defiant Mattix is, but he is also one of the sweetest little kids. As long as he’s not overwhelmed or anxious in  a situation (or in some part of his ”phase”), he’s a very thoughtful little guy.  All through lunch, he tried to share his food and every last one of his toys with Hannah (Laura’s daughter). He would smile at her and then reach out and hand her something. He just did not understand why I wouldn’t let him feed Hannah dried apple and banana pieces, but it pleased him very much that she would take his toys. In fact, he was very insistent on holding Hannah’s toys. He did the whole point and grunt number each time something new belonging to her appeared on the table. I thought maybe that was going to be a problem, but I soon learned that within ten seconds of me handing one of Hannah’s toys to Mattix, he was handing it right over to Hannah with a huge smile on his face. He rubbed her hand a lot and gave her loves. Very, very cute.

So how does that relate to me beating the a$$ of a seven year old? Well, I did the thing that, a year ago, the very idea of made me want to throw up in my mouth. I let him run around the kid area in the mall. I used to be a germ freak. A huge one. Then we went to Vietnam and for some reason, all of my germ issues just disappeared. I was picking things up off the ground, the floor, the car floor, you name it, and handing them back to Mattix left and right, declaring the ten second, five minute, two day, one week, etc., rule every time. I just lost all that anal retentiveness in regards to germs.  Anyway, he loved the germ filled, dirtiness of the mall play area. Loved it. He gave a kiss to a toddler girl’s bear and rubbed another girl’s hand. So when he went to give a little seven-ish year old boy a hug, and that boy SHOVED Mattix and made him fall down, even though he knew that  Mattix was hugging him, I had to remind myself that the appropriate response for a mom is not to give a seven year old a beat down in the the middle of the mall. Instead, I asked the little sh*it if his mother would think it was very nice that he shoved a little baby who was trying to give him a hug because I certainly did not think it was nice at all. Before he could answer, I told him not to worry about it, that I would just ask his mom what she thought. The kid must have a good mom – a mom who wouldn’t think it was so great - because he turned white as a sheet, apologized profusely, and shuffled away with his head down. Am I a bad person? I know, maybe a little extreme. But I couldn’t help it. I almost cried. The crushed look on Mattix’s face broke my heart. Yes, I’m aware that this is just the beginning. If I can’t handle this, how am I going to handle the big stuff. My tough skin only applies to myself, apparently. For the first time, I felt the intense desire to protect my baby’s feelings. I’m in trouble because I realize that this little incident will be fun compared to the things we will face in the future. And I of course realize that at some point, Mattix will be on the other side of the situation.

And finally, because I’ve rambled so long that I doubt anyone is still reading, Mattix likes to eat out of bowls and off of plates now, instead of having me just pile his food all over his high chair tray or the restaurant table (on top of a table liner, because although I’m no longer a germ freak, I do maintain minimum standards). He’s getting pretty good. This past week, he has really mastered his skills and as long as the food is bite sized, he keeps most of it in the bowl or in his mouth (rice and noodles are another story). He even knows how to use his toddler fork quite well.  However, when he nears the bottom of the blow, he PICKS IT UP -it being the bowl - and tries to eat straight out of it. Sorta like the dog. It’s cute and funny and my laughing at it only encourages these bad table manners, but what can I say? And he knows I think it’s funny. Oh well.

 I can’t find one of the twenty card readers so that I can download some funny photos from dinner Sunday evening at Swee*t Tomatoes. I’ll try to do it tomorrow. He had the bowl in his mouth with no hands. We went to the pool earlier in the day and Mattix was starving. This kid eats anything and everything and a lot of it, but he outdid himself on Sunday evening. I think restaurants with unlimited “go backs” probably cringe when they see large adults coming. Well, they need to watch out for my 20 pound garbage disposal, because quantity-wise, Mattix ate at least as much as I did. I ate a huge salad; this kid packed in two full cups of pasta – once mac n cheese and one fettuccine, at least four ounces of chicken, a cup of yogurt, fruit, a piece of pizza, 12 ounces of whole milk, and a frozen yogurt for dessert, just to seal the deal. The he slept from 7:30 p.m. to 7:00 a.m. without waking up once. I kid you not. He never sleeps that long and sleeping through the night?!?!  (BTW, he’s sleeping in the crib now; we’re on night five.) We’re going swimming and to Swee*t Tomatoes every damn day.

Photos tomorrow…