Why Isn’t It Enough?

If you read this, please keep in mind that this is written entirely from my perspective. The situation is far more complicated if you bring our child into it and what occurred in his life so that he became a part of ours. I am writing here solely about my feelings. I’m not selfish, either. I realize there’s an entire other side to this that is far, far, more intricate. That’s another post. This one is me sorting through my own confusion. Please also know that I’m not insensitive to families who arrived at adoption following loss or who do not share my feelings. Again, that is not my experience.  I’m just a little frustrated right now and I want to get it out and ask for opinions. Maybe I’m just missing the point and someone can help me see it.

So, why isn’t it enough? That’s what I’d like to know. And I don’t mean that sarcastically, like I often mean my rhetorical, smart ass questions (I’m over the blog cuss-o-meter, by the way). I truly want to understand why it’s not enough. By not enough, I mean adopting my child(ren) rather than birthing them.

Ed and I have no desire to have biological children. There are reasons, although not even close to all-encompassing, and some know them, but the bottom line is that neither he nor I desire to have bio kids. So much so that Ed is going in for a vasectomy next month so that we can be sure that the only children we have come to us through adoption. Yeah, I’ll be sure to post a photo of him sitting on the couch with a bag of frozen pees on the boys. ) I’ve wanted to adopt my children since I was a young child and Ed thought that sounded fantastic when we discussed family. Before you think I’m a controlling woman who forced Ed on board, that’s not the case at all. It’s just another reason we’re so well matched. The way he responded to me when I brought it up a long time ago made it clear that we shared similar feelings. We didnt’ even really discuss it much before we were married other than to say that when we were ready for kids, we were going to adopt.

So, why isnt’ it enough? I’m really having trouble understanding why other people have such  difficulty understanding that. To me, it’s incredibly simple. I want children, I had no interest in becoming pregnant, neither Ed nor I care about biology, and that is that.

But to so many people, there’s something missing, something inherently wrong with our decision. I’m not referring to the people who make stupid comments or ask inappropriate ignorant questions, the type I wrote about HERE. Rather, I’m talking about perfectly reasonable, well intentioned, respectful people who don’t understand why in God’s name we would choose to adopt instead of have bio children, being that, to our knowledge, we’re technically capable of it. Or, at the very least, why we don’t want to have biological children in addition to being parents to adopted children.

The truly confused person that pushed me over the edge and caused me write this post is an very nice woman who owns a children’s boutique that I frequent. She’s not pushy, she’s not nosey, she’s not rude. She just couldn’t, for the life of her, understand. Ed and I were in the store and found a beautiful crib. I loved it. The problem is that I already purchased nursery furniture for our second child back when Ed and I were waiting to travel for Mattix. Ridiculous, I know, but I was shopping with my best friend for her nursery furniture (she was pregnant at the time) when I found The Set. It’s exactly what I knew I wanted for a daughter – solid, deep cherry wood and very classic – and the store was having an AMAZING sale. It’s very pricey furniture that I scored an incredible deal on and so I just couldn’t pass it up. Anyway, Ed and I were discussing the new crib we saw that day, trying to decide if we really needed a third set of nursery furniture when we only had one kid (the answer is no, of course, but whatever). She overheard us and asked if we were having more children. She knows that Mattix is adopted and I’m pretty sure she assumed we were adopting the next because of the way she asked. She asked something to effect of when we were adding another child to our family. I told her we were working on the paperwork and hopefully it would be within a year and a half or so. She said that was great, how exciting, etc., and then said, “But don’t you want biological kids also?” And I swear, she had the most quizzical, confused look on her face when I told her that no, neither of us wanted biological children. I tried my best to explain, but she just looked at me with that blank stare.

This made absolutely no sense to her. None. Because she’s not rude or pushy or inappropriate, she didn’t pursue it, but I’m well aware that to her, we’re weird. There’s something off about us. That families, and especially women, want to experience pregnancy. People who know me understand me. Maybe they don’t necessarily “get” it, but they understand me. They know me well enough to know that I’m not lying when I say that I have no desire to become pregnant, to experience that. They know that I’m not saying that so that I can avoid dealing with some deep feelings. When I say that I don’t want to become pregnant, I mean it. I don’t look at pregnant women and think that it looks amazing or nice or like something I’d like to experience. I’m not at all insensitive to the joy that pregnancy brings so many women (or to the incredible miracle that results), but for me, it never has been anything I’ve been even remotely interested in doing.

The only thing I can figure is that the people who ask me this question, then look at me like I’ve grown a second head, assume that I’m not dealing with something or that I really do want bio kids, but I just don’t want to address those feelings. i can assure you, 100%, that is not the case. Before we began our adoption, I didn’t even realize that by society’s standards, I wasn’t “normal.” I figured there were lots of people like me. Everyone around me treated me like a regular person during our process – I felt just like any woman who was trying to conceive or who was pregnant (again, this is from MY perspective, and deals nothing with Mattix’s journey or what I’ve learned in the past two years). Maybe there are lots of other people like me and I just haven’t found them. I dunno. What I do know is how I feel. And I feel frustrated that I don’t know how to convey to others that Mattix IS everything that I want. That adopting another child is EXACTLY what I want. It is enough and it is everything for me.

So, if you’re willing, please share your thoughts. Am I really that different? Is it so strange to want children but not to want biological ones? I’ve talked to my mom about it a lot and she understands. If my dad had been on board, she would have adopted and/or fostered a whole gaggle of children. (My dad had a very clear two child, um, plan. And my mom was okay with that. She just would have been okay with about five more if my dad had been as well.) She’s the one who raised me to think adoption was an equally valid and normal way of building a family. But I guess the world doesn’t share those feelings. I feel like single individuals who choose adoption to build their family are understood, but because Ed and I are a “couple,” it makes no sense. (By the way, I’m not saying single parents have it easy. I’m just saying the perception is different.)  I get it when people want to experience both biological children and adoption. So why doesn’t anyone get me? Insight?  Please be honest, but at the same time, please don’t attack me. I’ve been holding onto this post for a while b/c I’ve been nervous about posting it. I can take and appreciate honesty, but not an attack.

Photos

First, I’m glad I didn’t offend anyone with my TMI post. At least not anyone that posted a comment. To be honest, that’s not even TMI for me. Now that I’ve gotten past the first over-sharing experience, it’s a slippery slope. You may be reading things you’d wish you never did in the future. ha ha

Second, I was going to post photos of Mattix eating directly out of his food bowl the other day, but I couldn’t find a card reader. I kid you not, we have at least five or six and I cannot find one. I’m pretty sure Mattix has a pile of them somewhere because I’m really bad about leaving them out when I’m finished with them. We’re missing all sorts of small things and I know we’ll find his stash one day. About two months ago, I found his original hiding place and located all sorts of things I was missing, including make up brushes, hair bands, a necklace, a shoe, etc. I hope I find the new stash pile soon. Anyway, I had to buy a new one.

Third, THANK GOODNESS the two teeth from hell are breaking through. Mattix had two half-teeth at ten months when we met him. Four more came in within six weeks or so. Then, the seventh and eight ones began giving him “problems.” We were sure they’d be popping through at any time. This was four months ago. For the past four months, those two bottom teeth have tortured ALL of us! Mattix has been in a lot of pain for, well, four months. Seriously. When I can tell it’s super, super bad, I give him Mo*trin, but I can’t really give him Mo*trin 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for four months, so it hasn’t been easy for him. Well, the itty bitty tips finally broke through yesterday. YES!!!!

Okay, photos. Mattix does this at the end of every meal. He eats out of his bowl so neatly the entire time, but at the end, when there isn’t much food left, he goes for it. I guess it’s easier than picking up the last few pieces.  Oh, and speaking of food, this kid has a HUGE thing for chicken. It’s his very, very favorite food. If I give him chicken with dinner, I have to give it to him separately and last, otherwise he will not eat anything else at all. Honestly. He’ll just eat the chicken and then yell for more. This kid would not survive in a vegetarian household. Actually, it’s good for me b/c I don’t cook, but I certainly can purchase rotisserie chicken from Who*ole Foods!!!

 

Too much information

File this under too much information. If you’re not a TMI person, STOP reading. Seriously. Stop reading. Don’t scroll down. Just stop. I don’t want to gross you out.

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If you’ve kept reading, it’s all your fault. I warned you to stop. If you’re offended, blame yourself for letting your curiosity get the better of you.  I’m a share-er, what can I say? So Mattix and I were at the mall. Yeah, I know, a lotta mall in one week.  It’s 113 degrees out, okay? Do you expect us to go to the zoo or something? I think not. I almost had heat stroke at the car wash, waiting for the car, at 8:30 this morning. So, yeah, the mall. It’s cool in there.

Anyway, we’re at the mall. I went off the pill a while ago. Here comes to TMI part. No idea how long, maybe five or six weeks? I don’t remember. I stopped taking it when I was having some unrelated issues because I got freaked out. I’ve been a Type one for almost 20 years. In fact, this month is my 19 year anniversary. This puts me at an increased risk for blood clots. So does the pill. The two of them together? It just made me nervous, even though  I’m sure it would have been fine, so I threw out the pack and called it a deal. Impulsive after our ten year relationship, but I think it’s for the better.

BTW, NO, we’re not going to get pregnant.  Trust me. We’re being very careful to prevent it. We’ve taken extreme measures, and those measures are in the form of a 16 month old that makes us very, very tired. :) Ha ha.  , Ed has his appointment for the old clip and snip doctor next month for the Big V. I’ve been responsible for the BC for eight years. My turn’s over. (BTW, Ed’s been saying he’d do this forever, so he’s not whining or anything. I do have to give him credit for that.)

Okay, so I’m off the pill, something I’ve been ON for 10 years. My body’s not used to this. This makes for, um, irregularity I guess. “Cause I had no idea that yesterday was “the day.” If I had, I wouldn’t have worn WHITE capri pants to the mall. See where this is going? It’s not good.

So I’m walking through the mall and I feel a brief cramp.  Just one cramp. One. little. cramp. Then I feel The Thing. Ladies, don’t act like you don’t know what The Thing is. The Thing where you have like three minutes to do something. Except that we were in the middle of the mall, not near a restroom, and I was pushing a stroller.

So I start walking like I’d taken a crap in my pants, trying to prevent something very, very disastrous. Every muscle I have is, err, clenched. I make it to the nearest bathroom. I’m not exaggerating here – fifteen more seconds and it would have been terrible. So I go for the temporary fix with a wad of toilet paper, dig out a quarter (nope, so wasn’t prepared for this) and plop it in the machine. Nothin’. Stupid thing’s empty. I go back in the stall and pull the old toilet paper tuck and shove. Then I head out to waddle to the next department store bathroom.

And I didn’t make it. That’s all I’m gonna say.

One pair of ruined white pants? $75.

Every last ounce of my dignity lost, at the age of 28, in the mall, and unlike high school, no sweat shirt to tie around my waist? Pricelsss.

Did I mention we were nowhere near my parked car? And I had to BEND OVER to load the stroller.

At least the toilet paper wad didn’t fall out of the leg of my pants, right?

Like I said, TMI. But if I managed to walk to the car like that, do I really have any shame left that would prevent me from sharing it? I think not.

Rambling

First of all, thank you so much for your emails and comments about my possible surgery. The REALLY, really good news is that I do NOT have to have surgery!The bad news is not nearly as bad as surgery, so I’ll spare you the boring details. I know gall bladdersurgery is no big deal, but for me, any surgery means a few days in the hospital at a minimum and an abnormally long recovery period. The days before surgery are very difficult because I have to keep my blood sugars in a VERY tight range and I end up staying up the entire night before surgery, testing my blood sugar every 20 minutes because you can’t eat or drink before anesthesia. I’m always low in the mornings, without fail. that’s the way it has been for me since I was first diagnosed at age nine and that’s probably the way it will alwaysbe. Low blood sugars require food and or/drink, which you can’t have before surgery. Makes for a stressful night because if I get too low and have to treat, I have to cancel surgery and start over. And one day, I’ll tell you the long version of the story about the time one hospital nearly killed me by hanging the wrong drip (dextrose instead of saline), and another time the anesthesiologist thought that I would require the same amount of insulin as a Type II and was SHOCKED to learn that he would have put me in a coma or killed me by giving me 30 units of insulin (more than I take in an entire 24 hour period) when I really needed ONE unit – ten minutes before he put me under. For these reasons and more, even minor surgery is risky for me, so this has been by far one of the biggest reliefs in the recent months! And now that I’m having PTSD and you’re bored, I’m done with this topic.  

Next, I love my son. Yeah, I know, duh! But I have been overcome with emotion this past week. Part of it is a result of watching the required ten hours of “adoption education” for our next adoption and part of it is, well, just him. I’m in one of those periods where it’s almost hard for me to manage my feelings. I’m either smiling from ear to ear or trying not to burst into tears because I feel so overwhelmed (in a good way). I’m working on a post about all of the feelings this adoption education has stirred in both Ed and me. It’s not the videos per se, but the entire big picture of adoption and specifically, Mattix. And yes, I have feelings! Before our referral, I was pretty sure I didn’t have many, and the few I did have, I had completely under control. I wasn’t a feeling person. Ed had been working on that one for years. If he’d only known…all that time, I just needed a baby. Ha ha ha. I soooo wasn’t ready for a baby at any point in time before Mattix. And now just look what my kid has done to me!

Third, Mattix has exited the, ummm, what should I call it? The really crappy period of time he went through for about six weeks. I’d say we’ve been in the clear for a week now, but I didn’t want to count my chickens before they hatched, so to speak! The really good disposition made its appearance last Saturday or Sunday, so we’ve passed the week mark for sure. Beginning in late April/early May, Mattix entered an extremely difficult phase for me (and Ed). That is an understatement. Of course nothing he did tested my love for him – like I even need to say that - but it was very, very, very, very exhausting, especially when I was on my own with him for extended stretches of time. It certainly tested my patience. You know, nothing up until that point had tested my patience. Honestly. Nothing. That surprised even me, because I’m a very, very impatient person. But I seemed to have a plethora of patience for Mattix. Well, he finally did it! He tested ‘em. I did a lot of counting to ten in my head and breathing deeply. 

The months of May and early June were trying for me, completely unrelated to Mattix, and so the two things combined made it hard for me to, hmmm, again, how to say this? Hard for me to love like get through each day. I don’t expect my child to be a compliant little angel, so please don’t get me wrong. But there’s something in between compliant and very, very, very defiant and testy ALL. DAY. LONG. Oh, and whiny. Incredibly whiny.  I know it was a necessary phase, but that boy about wore me down. Everything was a battle and I had to stand my ground becausemI KNEW that if he did indeed succeed in one battle too many, he was going to win the war.  I know he’s, like, sixteen months old, and I’m in my late 20’s, but it’s amazing how they somehow can just push, push, push until you feel like letting them get away with murder because you’re too tired to fight it any longer.   Mattix has an extremely strong, stubborn personality. He redefines determined. I know not all kids are like that. But I know a lot are, and it’s not a bad thing. I think it’s a good thing. I’m quite the defiant bi*tch myself. Imagine that. It’s just, well, tiring, sometimes. THANK GOODNESS he’s back to his usual pleasant self. He keeps me on my toes and pushes a button here and there throughout the day, voices his displeasure when he feels the need to, and certainly lets me know when he disagrees with me, but for the most part, his pleasant, cheerful, loving, and FUN personality has made its reappearance and I’m enjoying it very much.  For those of you that are snickering at me, I’m well aware that we will go through these phases throughout his childhood. I’m just saying that I’m glad this one has ended.

What am I on? Fourth? I had my first moment of overprotective mommy today. I thought about beating a little snot nosed seven year old’s a$$ today. (Can you see my effort to clean up my blog with the use of “*” and “$”?  I’m really trying here.) Okay, maybe I didn’t really think about beating his a$$, but if I had thought about it, it would have been justified. We met my best friend Laura and her four month old daughter for lunch today.  I just finished telling you how defiant Mattix is, but he is also one of the sweetest little kids. As long as he’s not overwhelmed or anxious in  a situation (or in some part of his ”phase”), he’s a very thoughtful little guy.  All through lunch, he tried to share his food and every last one of his toys with Hannah (Laura’s daughter). He would smile at her and then reach out and hand her something. He just did not understand why I wouldn’t let him feed Hannah dried apple and banana pieces, but it pleased him very much that she would take his toys. In fact, he was very insistent on holding Hannah’s toys. He did the whole point and grunt number each time something new belonging to her appeared on the table. I thought maybe that was going to be a problem, but I soon learned that within ten seconds of me handing one of Hannah’s toys to Mattix, he was handing it right over to Hannah with a huge smile on his face. He rubbed her hand a lot and gave her loves. Very, very cute.

So how does that relate to me beating the a$$ of a seven year old? Well, I did the thing that, a year ago, the very idea of made me want to throw up in my mouth. I let him run around the kid area in the mall. I used to be a germ freak. A huge one. Then we went to Vietnam and for some reason, all of my germ issues just disappeared. I was picking things up off the ground, the floor, the car floor, you name it, and handing them back to Mattix left and right, declaring the ten second, five minute, two day, one week, etc., rule every time. I just lost all that anal retentiveness in regards to germs.  Anyway, he loved the germ filled, dirtiness of the mall play area. Loved it. He gave a kiss to a toddler girl’s bear and rubbed another girl’s hand. So when he went to give a little seven-ish year old boy a hug, and that boy SHOVED Mattix and made him fall down, even though he knew that  Mattix was hugging him, I had to remind myself that the appropriate response for a mom is not to give a seven year old a beat down in the the middle of the mall. Instead, I asked the little sh*it if his mother would think it was very nice that he shoved a little baby who was trying to give him a hug because I certainly did not think it was nice at all. Before he could answer, I told him not to worry about it, that I would just ask his mom what she thought. The kid must have a good mom – a mom who wouldn’t think it was so great - because he turned white as a sheet, apologized profusely, and shuffled away with his head down. Am I a bad person? I know, maybe a little extreme. But I couldn’t help it. I almost cried. The crushed look on Mattix’s face broke my heart. Yes, I’m aware that this is just the beginning. If I can’t handle this, how am I going to handle the big stuff. My tough skin only applies to myself, apparently. For the first time, I felt the intense desire to protect my baby’s feelings. I’m in trouble because I realize that this little incident will be fun compared to the things we will face in the future. And I of course realize that at some point, Mattix will be on the other side of the situation.

And finally, because I’ve rambled so long that I doubt anyone is still reading, Mattix likes to eat out of bowls and off of plates now, instead of having me just pile his food all over his high chair tray or the restaurant table (on top of a table liner, because although I’m no longer a germ freak, I do maintain minimum standards). He’s getting pretty good. This past week, he has really mastered his skills and as long as the food is bite sized, he keeps most of it in the bowl or in his mouth (rice and noodles are another story). He even knows how to use his toddler fork quite well.  However, when he nears the bottom of the blow, he PICKS IT UP -it being the bowl - and tries to eat straight out of it. Sorta like the dog. It’s cute and funny and my laughing at it only encourages these bad table manners, but what can I say? And he knows I think it’s funny. Oh well.

 I can’t find one of the twenty card readers so that I can download some funny photos from dinner Sunday evening at Swee*t Tomatoes. I’ll try to do it tomorrow. He had the bowl in his mouth with no hands. We went to the pool earlier in the day and Mattix was starving. This kid eats anything and everything and a lot of it, but he outdid himself on Sunday evening. I think restaurants with unlimited “go backs” probably cringe when they see large adults coming. Well, they need to watch out for my 20 pound garbage disposal, because quantity-wise, Mattix ate at least as much as I did. I ate a huge salad; this kid packed in two full cups of pasta – once mac n cheese and one fettuccine, at least four ounces of chicken, a cup of yogurt, fruit, a piece of pizza, 12 ounces of whole milk, and a frozen yogurt for dessert, just to seal the deal. The he slept from 7:30 p.m. to 7:00 a.m. without waking up once. I kid you not. He never sleeps that long and sleeping through the night?!?!  (BTW, he’s sleeping in the crib now; we’re on night five.) We’re going swimming and to Swee*t Tomatoes every damn day.

Photos tomorrow…

What the hell? And lots of cute photos

Well, I found a link to THIS on another blog I enjoy. It’s a blog cuss-o-meter. I failed miserably. My cuss level was “high.” I thought that was a little unreasonable, given that only15.7% of my pages contain “cussing.” Apparently, that’s more cussing than 57% of the blogs tested by this site.  This is not good, I suppose. If it’s any consolation (or to reduce the offensive factor for those of you who read), I think it’s actually less than I swear in real life. Or maybe not; maybe I only swear in 15.7% of my real life conversations. I dunno. I’ve really cleaned it up for Mattix and am nearly 100% cuss FREE around him. However, when Mattix isn’t around… I’m not horrible or anything; it’s not like every other word that flies out of my mouth is inappropriate. But sometimes, you just need the right word for the right occasion, you know? Whatever. F the blog cuss-o-meter. What kind a$$ holes think they can judge me, anyway? Kidding! (And do you think the use of “$$” instead of “ss” gives me a free pass?)

Moving on.

I’m waiting to find out whether I have to have my gallbladder removed. Hopefully I’ll know tomorrow. I swear, when it rains, it pours. Between my month in May (not the best) and this, I’m over it. I know I keep saying I need to lose ten pounds, but I’d rather do it the old fashioned way and not as a result of surgery!  I don’t have the time (I have to take care of Mattix),  nor energy for another surgery at this point. I know it’s been one year and nine months since I last had surgery (major knee surgery and it sucked), so I can’t really whine, but still… Hopefully, my usually-correct, brilliant doctor is wrong (!) and I’ll be happy to have wasted a day and a few thousand dollars on testing and I will keep the old gallbladder.

To end on a positive note, here are some really, really cute photos of my baby! Ed took Mattix up to Sedona for the day on Saturday and they had a great time together. Apparently, Mattix was an angel  and was super excited all day long.  He loves his dad so much and I know they both really enjoy the time they spend together. He looks really happy in the photos. Of course, Dad fed him ice cream and junk food snacks, but whatever… And yes, Ed takes much better photos than I do.

{if i were there, this photo wouldn’t have happened because I would have been a nervous wreck. um, baby falling backward, anyone???}

{ed said he gave mattix the stick so that he’d hold still for a second! always sooo busy…}

{don’t you love the old man tummy in this photo? you know how old men have their big bellies with their pants pulled up over them?! mattix makes old man belly look adorable! again, the pine cone was for one minute of attention!}

 

 {i love this! he climbs into chairs and up on couches all the time now, schooches (i know that’s not a word, btw) all the way to the back, and just chills out. so cute!} 

Happy Father’s Day, two days late!

Yeah, I know. The story of my life these days – late! I intended to post on Sunday evening when we came home, but it was late by the time we made it home. (And by late, I mean 9:30. How old am I??? I never got to bed before midnight six months ago!)

Anyway, Happy Father’s Day. Ed, you’re the most amazing father to Mattix. I wouldn’t want to raise children with anyone else in the world.  Everyone can see how dedicated you are, including Mattix, who reacts to you in such an adorable, loving way. His face lights up when you come home, he bounces and squeals with delight. And the kisses and hugs - he has an endless supply for you. We both love you so much. Happy Father’s Day to my dad! The fact that we have the exact same personality is either a testament to his great parenting skills, or…well, I’ll leave it at that! I love my dad.

The day was a great one for us. Ed and my dad golfed on Sunday morning and then we spent the afternoon with my parents and my grandparents. My grandfather is also a wonderful man. An incredible, kind, great person. He is not in good health and hasn’t been for quite some time. His most recent diagnosis of cancer has not been easy, both physically and mentally, and yet he lives his life with grace and positivity. His faith is unwavering and admirable.

Mattix was, as usual, the center of attention. He loved it. The kid is a crazy ham. I also found it very interesting how loving and affectionate he was with my grandparents. He was so gentle with them, which is interesting, because Mattix isn’t exactly known for his gentle actions. It’s like he knew he had to be careful. He gave both of my grandparents a lot of hugs and kisses, which they loved, because he is their only great grandchild.

We brought his baby pool over and he entertained everyone. He loves his baby pool (he also loves the real pool, but with the baby pool, he can climb in and out and run all over the yard).

{love the three chins and the gut. why can’t i pull the look off as well?!?!}

{my two boys. mattix is blowing kisses at me!}

 

{seriously with the faces! i have the hardest time getting a “normal” photo of mattix!}

{ed shared his cheese cake with mattix. in between every bite, mattix would climb off the couch, chew it up, then come back for more. ed is working with mattix on the whole begging for food bit, so he would make mattix climb back up and “sit nicely” for each bite. it was really funny and it went on for twenty minutes.}

{what a ham!}

{when mattix and ed finished the cake, mattix staked out his next victim: his great grammy}

Done and Done

Our Ethiopia dossier is on its way to our agency! I tore the dossier packet open one week ago (honestly), worked on it mostly on Sunday, we did our physicals and police clearances on Monday, and today Fe*dEx is in control. This time around was a little easier because our birth certificates and marriage certificate didn’t have to be issued and certified by the various offices of vital records within the last six months. That meant I was able to use one of the million certified copies I have on hand, write out the authentication statement, and have that notarized (vs. going back to square one and ordering them all from the various offices of vital records in the various states). I’m not going to lie; I’m pretty pleased that it only took one week. In all honestly, it would have been on its way on Tuesday, except that Mattix didn’t seem to be in the mood to go to our Secretary of State’s Office. Okay, I wasn’t in the mood, but whatever. I went yesterday. It will be there on Monday, where our agency will review it, send two of the documents to the US Dept of State and then the Ethiopian embassy in DC, and finally the whole package will make its way to Ethiopia. Pretty crazy. Currently, our agency is referring children to families whose dossiers were sent over in September of 2007. That’s a nine month wait for the mathematically challenged (me). However, I don’t necessarily expect a referral in nine months because I’m assuming that with the program’s popularity on the rise, the number of clients who submitted dossiers between September and now has also risen. I’m NOT the type of person who wants my referral NOW (for Mattix’s adoption, I rarely even knew where we were on the list), but I would really like for our kids to be fairly close in age. So as far as that goes, I’m a little anxious.

I’ve learned over the past two plus years that this is so much bigger than us “getting” a baby (please understand my use of the word of “getting” – that’s the way that sooo many people refer to it when asking us about our adoption and quite frankly, I may have thought similarly before we first began Mattix’s adoption). This is about a baby that has to lose a family to become part of ours. If you catch me getting too antsy, please remind me that while Ed and I are growing our family, another family is experiencing profound loss on many levels. I believe it’s easy for anyone – me especially – to get caught up in the excitement of a new child, just as someone who is pregnant does. While I ABSOLUTELY believe that PAPs should be excited, we also need to realize that it’s a little more complicated than a pregnancy. With that said, I am excited.

To me, the idea of adopting again is overwhelmingly exciting. I remember what I felt like as we flew to Vietnam, FINALLY. I remember how excited I was to meet my son, to experience his country. I walked out of the airport and onto the crowded sidewalk in Saigon and was in awe. The whole experience is by far the most memorable and amazing one of my life.  To be able to do that again in a new country makes me giddy with anticipation. I expect our experience in Ethiopia and meeting our daughter one day to be equally amazing. But now that I know what I know, I struggle to balance that with the reality of the situation. Ahhh, ignorance is bliss. I refuse to allow the excitement to be washed away, but I also refuse to ignore the big picture. Geez, I’m finding that there are a lot of lines to walk with adoption.

And that’s it. As long as our dossier was done correctly (it could of course contain errors – I’m nearlyperfect, not entirely perfect…hahaha), we’re back to waiting. Didn’t we spend a year waiting for Mattix’s referral and nine months waiting for travel, months waiting to see how things were going with the VN program, two months waiting for all the pre-application and dossier information to process with our Ethiopian agency, and now we’re all geared up for another year plus of waiting?  Does waiting ever end?

And finally, I’m more than prepared to wait for a referral, but I’ll admit that I’m not sure I’m entirely emotionally prepared to wait for travel once we have our referral. The last four months of our nine month wait for Mattix (can I use the word “wait” any more in one post?) about did me in emotionally and physically. From what I’ve heard, the wait between referral and travel is slowly lengthening with Ethiopia right now. I just pray that by the time we’re there, it’s not another nine month affair.

And there you have it – my early feelings about our next adoption in a nutshell (one really, really big nutshell). I was kicking around the idea of beginning a second blog for this adoption, but for now, if I have anything exciting to say, I’ll do it here. Okay, I never have much exciting to say, but you know…

Six Months

Six Months. Today marks the six month “anniversary” of Mattix’s G&R.  He has officially been our son for six months, but he has been in our hearts for fifteen months and two days, since the day we saw his referral photo when he was just three weeks old. In some ways, it seems like it was years ago that we met him, and in others, I can’t believe it has been six entire months. I usually don’t struggle to write, well, anything, but I’m having trouble with this one.

Just before Mattix went down for his nap, he was rolling around the floor with “Bobo,” the Bonobo we bought him from the Science Museum in DC, fully making out with him. Who would have thought? The baby that wouldn’t even allow us to hold him is now a toddler, rolling around the floor with his stuffed animal, saying, “Ma-ma, ma-ma” because he likes to say my name so that I’ll say, “Yes, baby, I’m here.” And then the smile. Oh the smile.  

I don’t even know where to start. If you’ve followed our blog, you’ll know that the initial adjustment was anything but easy. The degree of difficulty was the very reason I finally started blogging. It was great therapy and I figured that maybe someone else who was having a hard time might read it and feel less alone. Looking back on it, I truly realize how difficult it was – for everyone. I always focused on how hard it was for Mattix, which is what really matters, but I’ll admit that it was hard on us, too. Now that the dust has settled, so to speak, I can objectively look at it. In the beginning, we were sort of on autopilot. Ed and I are very practical people – sometimes too practical, maybe - so we did what we thought we needed to do to take care of Mattix, to help him begin to bond to us, to help him understand and *know* that no matter what, we will be here for him, that we would be there at 11:00, midnight, 1:00 a.m., 2:00 a.m., you get the idea. That we weren’t just going to shove a bottle in his mouth so that he’d shut up, that we were going to do whatever it took to make him believe us.

Emotionally, I’ve come out the other side (of the first six months, at least) in a wonderful place I never could have imagined existed six months and a few days ago, just before we met Mattix. Physically, I won’t lie. I’m tired, run down, and somewhat worn out. It’ll even out, but really, how long can you go without sleep? Apparently, the answer is a really long time, but not before it catches up with you.  :) Mattix still does not sleep through the night and the past week, he has been up a lot beginning around 4:00 a.m. So yes, we’re tired. But if that’s our biggest complaint? Not too much to complain about.

I’d love to write all about Mattix, but I’m not sure I’m entirely capable of that right now. I’m sorting through so many feelings of my own – feelings that *I* want to own and feelings that I do not want to impart upon Mattix. One of the big things I’m beginning to understand is that Mattix’s experience is just that – his experience. I can observe and share his development and the regular things parents see. I can share the things he makes me aware of and the things he struggles with that I observe. But I have no business sharing his adoption experiences from HIS point of view as I think they should happen. I can speculate and guess all day long what he may or may not experience, but I think my biggest lesson is that I must own my own feelings and allow him to experience his. My job it to be prepared to address to them, to be knowledgeable about all that he may face, to do my best to help him grow up being proud of who he is and where he is from, and to give him the tools to deal with the crap in life that, no matter how much I want to protect him, he will face. I cannot decide how he will feel about that crap or how he will come out on the other side, but I can do my best to prepare and support him. My job is NOT to assume what he will or will not feel, what he will or will not experience, how he will or will not feel about his first family. My job is to be open to any and all feelings he may have, to make sure he knows that no matter what he feels, he can share with me and not worry about upsetting me.

While I know and have always known that it would be a huge mistake to assume that Mattix will grow up in a bubble, unaffected by anything to do with his history, I NOW know that it will be equally wrong to assume what he will or will not feel. I must be ready and must make him realize that I’m his parent and that anything he feels is absolutely okay and I’m here for him, but I must not assume that something is going to happen or that it is going to be a certain way for him simply because it is that way for others.

What I’m trying to say is that beyond all of the “normal” parenting lessons and experiences, at six months, I think I’m *beginning* to find the balance between approaching parenting like any “regular” parent and approaching it as the parent of a transracially, internationally adopted child. Stupid to some, perhaps, but for me, it’s a tricky line to walk. Trust me, I don’t have anything figured out because this is something I’ll struggle with my entire life, but I’m no longer all or nothing.  I’m no longer overwhelmed with it and and therefore unable to deal with it OR drowning in it.

So, in conclusion, Mattix has changed my whole life. Obviously. Doesn’t that go without saying in regards to our kids? But beyond that, the circumstances under which he joined our family have changed my life in an incredible, positive way I never could have imagined, never could have planned, and never could have appreciated as much as I do today. We’re supposed to teach our children, but it’s amazing to me what Mattix has taught me. That’s not his job, but by just being him, he has shown me life in a way I never could have fathomed seeing or experiencing it. Beyond all of the “regular” things we experience with children, his history, his birthplace, his culture, and yes, his loss, have opened my eyes to a world I otherwise probably would not have had the honor of knowing existed.  I mean, I knew it existed, but not on the level that I do now. He has done that for so many people in our lives. That new life for Ed, for me, and for our family & friends, is intertwined with a loss for Mattix, which makes it confusing.

In the end, the one thing I’m not confused about is how much I love my son. How I couldn’t have imagined the kind of love I’m experiencing six months and two days ago. How my life has a whole new meaning. And we’re just at six months!

Finally – a really great weekend (pictures included)

Totally unrelated to my kid, but I finally went to see Sex and the City last night with my mom and five women from her neighborhood. My parents live in the most amazing neighborhood ever where everyone hangs out and watches out for each other. Oh, and they are a lot of fun. Like, a ton of fun.  Ed and I hang out in their neighborhood for Halloween each year because their block parties rule, there are millions of kids, and the adults are awesome. So, last night, we went to the movies, where these women may or may not have brought premixed Vodka and cranberries into the theater and where they may or may not have also brought plastic party cups out of which to drink said beverages. And furthermore, if it happened, I might have told the high school kid behind the counter that I was pregnant because he couldn’t figure out why I wanted a giant cup full of ice. He may have been very insistent on at least giving me some “free water” even though I only wanted the ice. I’ve heard pregnant women like to eat ice, okay?! If it did happen, I certainly couldn’t have told him the giant cup of ice was for some premixed Vodka and cranberries, could I?  I’m not saying any of this happened. I’m just saying it’s possible. And if it did happen, I would have felt really lame, ’cause I never even did anything like that in high school or college.  But anyway, dinner was great, the movie was good, and the evening was fun. How is it possible that you can feel so old when you’re the youngest in the group?!

Moving on…

We had a really great day Friday, one that both Mattix and I desperately needed. His current phase isn’t quite as fun as some of the others and it has left both of us pretty frustrated and worn out lately. We went to Out of Africa Wildlife Park, a sorta zoo that allows you to get super scary close to the animals and watch the zookeepers literally enter the animals’ pens and interact with them. I about had a heart attack when two people entered the black bear pen to feed them and hang out. The one guys kept rubbing one of the bears head and back. It’s interesting because the animals are not trained in any way; instead, they’ve had tons of human interaction their entire lives. I guess the zookeepers bank of them not acting out of (or rather in) character and eating one of them for lunch. The highlight for me was Tiger Splash. If you’d like, you can read about it HERE. It was pretty fascinating to watch people “play” in a confined area and in a pool with tigers that are not actually “trained.”  (I use quotes around “trained” because, really, can you ever totally train a tiger? I feel like the answer is not so much, but that’s just me.) Mattix actually sat still for 30 minutes of the show. That is by far the longest he has ever sat still somewhere without freaking out.

Anyway, the reason the day was so great is not because I love being outside when it’s 98 degrees or because I can’t live without seeing animals (although it was really neat). It was a great day because Mattix had a great day. And when Mattix has a great day, mommy has a great day. We went with my neighbor, her sister, and her sister’s children. My neighbor Kedra is a really good friend and Mattix and I spend lots of time with her. Her sister is just as great and her kids are super sweet.  Even though it’s getting really hot here, she said it’s not as bad the humidity in Nashville, where she lives. Although they’re a bit older than Mattix, I think he really enjoyed being around her kids. My mom came, too, so that was really nice. It only took us an hour and fifteen minutes to get there and Mattix seemed excited in the car, even though he obviously had no idea what was coming. He took a 20 minute power nap just before we arrived and I thought maybe he’d get cranky because he has become used to his hour and a half naps, but that wasn’t the case at all.

I took a stroller, but he walked the entire time. The stroller was basically a diaper bag holder. His little legs were exhausted by the end of the day. It was so cute to see him toddling everywhere and loving it. He walked and walked and walked. He loved the animals – he called them all dogs – and he really loved riding the tram. In fact, at one point, the tram was pretty full so we waited for the next one.  Mattix got really upset because he assumed we weren’t going to ride it. And guess what? That was pretty much his only upset during the entire day (trust me, that’s a HUGE rarity lately).

He did NOT like the giant pythons. They were huge – much bigger than the one in VN that you can hold during the Mekong Delta tour – and they were just on the ground in a pretty large enclosed area. As many kids at a time that wanted to could come on in and hang out with the snakes. The snakes were so big and there were SO many kids. I just wondered if the snakes ever got really annoyed and bit the kids, but I guess not. I mean, seriously, you had to wait for a spot to open up next to the snakes because there were so many kids. That many kids all over these huge snakes. I couldn’t even get a photo of the snakes because you couldn’t see them under all the kids. The snakes would slither around and lift their big ass heads up to the kids’ faces and just hang out there. Not even right. What is wrong with kids? Okay, I’m done with that, but seriously. Anyway, Mattix did NOT like the snakes. He did NOT want to touch them and he did NOT want to be near them. He asked if they were “dogs” by saying “DOG?” in his questioning voice while looking at me, but I’m pretty sure he knew they weren’t dogs. I was surprised because 100 pound dogs don’t scare him a bit, but I was also relieved. I’m praying that he never likes snakes. I hate snakes and I don’t want to have to say “no” one day if he asks for one to keep as a pet. Don’t worry – I’ll say no, but it would be nice if I never had to. If you want to see how much I hate snakes, feel free to check out THIS picture from VN. It’s the fifth one from the left. I *only* did that because before we went to VN, I said I would do or try just about anything, no matter how out of my comfort zone it was, because I was going to VN with a totally open mind and free spirit. Ed was shocked that I did it. It’s not big deal, but if you’re phobic afraid of snakes, it’s horrifying. Anyway, the look on my face should tell you just how much I hate snakes. I almost shi*t myself while it was happening, and I only posted that horrible photo of myself so that my friends and family would believe that I did it. If I had just told them, everyone would have called me a liar because I hate snakes that much. My hatred of snakes is not made any better by the fact that I live in an area with a fair amount of rattle snakes and have seen more than I care to count while hiking near my home and that Ed and I once had a baby rattler set up shop in our garage for the evening, one that NOBODY would come remove. I won’t say what happened there. I’m almost certain that it is illegal to kill a rattle snake in my state if you’re not in immediate danger. I haven’t looked up the technical definition of “immediate.” I’m not saying anything happened to the snake. I’m just giving you some factual information about whether one is allowed to “take care of” a rattle snake in my state if nobody – not the fire department or the local herpatological society or anyone else you’re willing to PAY - will come get it.  If I were to tell you that story, you’d laugh your ass off.  Anyway, I digress. Back to our good day…

Mattix was a total crackup. At one point, we were eating at a picnic bench. He wandered to another table to “ask” for food from complete strangers. Lately, when we’re eating something he wants, he just opens up his mouth super wide and makes this “ahhhh” noise. Well, he toddled over to the strangers, opened his mouth, and “ahhhed” at them while pointing to their food. I was of course on my way to get him, but he made it before I did. It was hilarious and slightly embarrassing. I’m sure they wondered if I feed my kid. Later, he tried to grab a woman’s purse. His new favorite sport is to go through purses, She had set hers down on the ground while we were waiting for the tram. He saw it and was on it in two seconds flat. He is getting pretty ballsy lately.

Mattix was exhausted by the time we left. He slept for about 20 minutes on the way home. Something woke him up and he was pretty upset because he wasn’t ready to wake up. I had to pull over to get him some milk, which calmed him down. However, by the time we got home, he was back in his great mood. My mom and I went outside in my back yard and hung out with Naked Baby for three hours. I filled up his baby pool and he had more fun that I can describe. He played in the yard, in the pool, and with the hose for three solid hours. He even ate dinner outside - a PB & J sandwich and a banana – while still plaing. He’d run over to me, take a bite, then go back to playing. He was super interactive, but also entertained himself independently, which was nice because it was fun to watch him. I want to remember how much fun today was because it really was one of the days that is sooo nice and perfect. And it couldn’t have come at a better time.

Here are a few photos from Friday:

{Before we left, I put his sunglasses on and hoped he would leave them alone. Not so much}

 

 

{Snake photos}

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Announcing the beginning of Adoption Number Two!

As you may know, Ed and I had intended to adopt our second child from Vietnam. I briefly mentioned that here. However, I don’t feel as though that was meant to be for our family. While I continue to pray AND advocate for the future stability of the Vietnam adoption program, I don’t feel that waiting it out is in the cards for us for a second child. There are several reasons. The main one is in relation to my ability to qualify for IA programs. If you’ve read my PW protected posts, this needs no further explanation. What I will say here is that we’re extremely, extremely limited. Because of my situation, and because to our knowledge we are not infertile, we have limited options. Thankfully, the options we do have are ones I would choose anyway. However, my concerns is that if – and hopefully WHEN – a new MOU is negotiated, VN could readdress their AP qualifications because of the popularity of the program. I’m probably just speculating, but nonetheless, I always let my worries get the better of me. As a result, we don’t feel comfortable waiting it out. And really, it’s more than that. I’m sticking with my belief that things happen for a reason, which I’ll explain in a minute…

We’re adopting from Ethiopia!

This has been something that  has been a consideration since we began our adoption process in early 2006. In fact, it was far more than a consideration. Ed and I had a complete – and I mean entirely complete – dossier to send to Ethiopia before we switched to VN at the VERY last minute. As in, our I171H was in Addis (capital of EE) and it wasn’t until the day I was going to mail all three complete originals of our Ethiopian dossier to the agency with the big, fat check that we stopped cold.  Our reasons for changing plans had nothing to do with our desire to adopt from Ethiopia. Perhaps I’ll share those later, but the bottom line is that we were going to adopt a girl from Ethiopia almost two and a half years ago.

Everything happens for a reason. If we had gone ahead with that adoption, we never would have had Mattix. And oh my gosh, I can’t even imagine. While I always say and believe that things are very different from Mattix’s perspective, I want to believe that I was meant to be Mattix’s mom. Again, that’s probably not the case, but now that I AM his mom, I can’t imagine MY life without him. Neither Ed nor I can even think about life without him. He has given me something to be grateful for every day of my life.

So, here we are at the same place we began our adoption journey – we’re going to adopt a baby girl from Ethiopia!

After I learned what I did about adoption in general (as I’ve said a million times over, I knew NOTHING about anything when we first began), I also researched Ethiopian agencies, mostly out of curiosity. As a result, I’ve had a list of two or three agencies to use for EE for a long, long time. It didn’t take much additional research to update that recently, so that part was easy. It was committing to a new country that was difficult. I feel so *invested* in VN and the VN adoption community. It probably sounds strange, so I’ll try to explain. First, Mattix was born there, so I really need not say more. But of course I will. When we went to Vietnam, I fell in love with the country in a way I never thought possible. I still go on and on to anyone that will listen to about our experience in VN and my love for the country, particularly the south. Additionally, I feel invested in the adoption community and I feel like I know so much about the process. The idea of immersing myself in and learning about a new country, a new adoption process, and new APs/PAPs  was very overwhelming at first. That probably sounds crazy. While we waited for Mattix, and since he’s been home as time permits, I read anything and everything related to VN and VN adoptions. By the time we met him, I knew more than I ever thought possible. I’m not  at all saying I know lots or that I’m all sorts of educated. What I am saying is that I have invested so much time, heart, and engery in what I have learned that I feel incredibly uneducated and lost when it comes to adopting from another country. It took me a while to wrap my mind around starting from zero, if that makes any sense at all. 

As I shared, we had our second VN dossier ready to go for quite some time, but I held onto it because I felt like the program’s future was uncertain. After waiting so long for Mattix’s travel approval, I didn’t feel like I had it in me to face the unknown.  At that time, it was very unknown because we had no official news from our government. I finally mailed our application into our selected EE agency on April 21st,  four days before the official, devastating embassy statement “statement,” just in case. I guess I just had a feeling.  Again, I’ve not given up on the VNprogram continuing in the future; we’ve just chosen to pursue our second child from the country where we began! And of course a different country does not equal an easy process. As I understand it, things have become a bit more complicated as the EE program’s popularity rises.

So, we rec’d our dossier packet on Monday and I began working on the dossier yesterday. Because I already completed a n EE dossier years ago, I’m familiar with the process. Of course, things have changed in the last two and a half years, but at this point, I think I can handle a lot. My goal is to have everything ready to mail to our agency in three weeks.

And that is where we’re at. Like I said, I feel like this is right for our family. We originally began our journey to adopt a girl from Ethiopia. Here we are with the most amazing boy from Vietnam – could it have turned out any differently?! But now we’re back to square one and this time, I believe that it’s meant to be and that Mattix will be a big brother to a beautiful little girl from EE.  I’m incredibly excited to begin learning more about Ethiopia. It seems like an amazing country full of history and rich in culture. I’m excited to immerse myself in information about EE in the way that I did with Vietnam. I feel a bit overwhelmed at the prospect because now I have a crazy little one keeping me on my toes every minute, but at the same time, I love to learn so I’ll make it happen.

I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking and reading about the cultural implications of parenting children from two different countries. Perhaps it’s not “proper” to acknowledge or discuss that openly, but the fact remains that we will be raising an Asian and an African child in a not-so-diverse state. Ed and I had many conversations about our abilities to further deal with society as a whole and our abilities to be the kind of parents that our children will need. We feel incredibly committed to that, but it was something that needed to be addressed. Let me be clear that we were not questioning our ability to parent an African child any more than we questioned our ability to parent an Asian child, but more of what it will mean to each of our children because we will be an even more diverse family.  To us, our children will be our children, but we don’t live in a bubble and have never – nor will we ever – take the approach that ALL that matters is what we believe. The fact remains that our world is not a perfect one and that WE believe it is remiss to gloss over issues that will arise for our children. We would have had the same discussion had we considered having a biological child. This is a big issue and one that needs its own post. I hope I’ve not been unclear on what I’m trying to say.

I’m very slowly catching up on blogs. I started at the top of my blog list (which is alphabetical) and am working my way down at a snail’s pace. It’s amazing what you miss in one month! For everyone waiting, know that I think of you daily. And for everyone in “real” life, I’m trying to get back into that as well, so please forgive me. Kathy, if you’re reading by any chance, I promise to call you. I was so sorry to miss out of Little Saigon a few weeks ago and hope that you’ll do it again VERY soon so I can see you girls and your girls! I had fallen alseep in the late afternoon and Ed didn’t wake me up because he felt like I needed the sleep. I miss you all very much. Karen, I got your message(s) and I promise to call you, too. I miss you! And before I forget,  of course Khai is Mattix’s friend! I feel bad; I guess I mean everyday playmates…besides the dog!  Finally, I can’t remember my password (seriously, this is what it’s come to!), so I’ll create a new one and email it out once I put up that post.