Fifteen month update and a LOT of random stuff!

I’m a few weeks late, but Mattix turned fifteen months old on May 14th. Get ready, because here comes an entirely disjointed, ridiculously long post. I haven’t even written it yet, but I know myself. I’m writing most of this for me so that I can come back and read it in a few months to see how we’ve progressed (in theory, because that assumes that I’ll have time to read it later). So, if you get bored, don’t feel bad for not finishing.

Also, my next post will be password protected. If I can remember my old password, I’ll use the same one. If you need it, please email me. I recall there might have been a few people who asked for it last time that I didn’t get back to. Please just leave a comment or email me. I’m not super protective of it, but I do need to know who is reading these posts. They are very personal. The next one will explain why I’ve been MIA for the month, both online and in real life. I again want to apologize for not answering emails or phone calls and as always, I truly appreciate your concern. Everything is okay – it was just a scary few weeks!

Mattix was actually scheduled for his fifteen month appointment on his fifteen month “birthday,” but we had to reschedule it because I endedup needing to make an appointment for myself that day. Despite my thinking that his well visit took precedence, both my mom, who was standing there while I was on the phone, and my doctor’s nurse, who I was on the phone with, pretty much scolded me. So, Mattix’s appointment was pushed back by two weeks and it finally happened today.

Size. Mattix is now 29 3/4 inches tall and weighs 21.5 pounds. He’s still a little peanut on the American growth charts, falling at the tenth percentile, but he seems so much bigger to me. He finally fits well into his 6-12 month clothes. While that size will definitely fit for a while, he no longer swims in it, as he did just a few months ago. His head circumference actually falls at the 50th percentile on the American charts, which explains a lot. His head is holding an enormous amount of brain —- the one he’s currently using to challenge the hell out of me. More on that in a minute.

Attitude/Behavior/Discipline. He had three shots today, including his tetanus. Mattix no longer does the post-institutionalization thing he used to do when he was hurt, which was pretty much act like nothing happened. When he took the first shot like a champ, which was TETANUS for God’s sake, I was impressed. (I say that because in the beginning, he didn’t have a normal pain response. He didn’t cry or look for comfort. That is SO not the case now. I guess he’s just unusually tough with vaccines. However, like anything with him, this is likely to change at any moment.)  Not only did he not cry, he didn’t really flinch. The second injection irritated him, and the third one just plain pissed him off. He sorta half cried, but more or less yelled at the nurse. Which brings me to his Attitude. Yes, I capitalized it on purpose.

Mattix has been spicy since the day we met him, but man oh man, is he taking it up a notch. This was to be expected, as he’s at the age where all kids go through the whole challenging thing. However, this is taking my mom’s “choose your battles” advice to a whole new level. So far, the ones I will not back down on are as follows:

No eating the dog food

No throwing toys

Bet you thought I was actually going to have a real list. Well, trust me, this is about all this momma can handle. I love that he’s not super compliant and I don’t think Mattix’s Attitude is a bad thing. I’m just working on finding the balance between letting him think he can get away with murder and helping him realize that it’s healthy to challenge boundaries but he also must know the time to acquiesce to authority (and when not to challenge it in the first place). He fully talks back to me. For a while, our “conversations” went something like this:

Me: Mattix, do NOT throw your truck at me. NO.

Mattix: Aaarrrrrrr (This is the noise he makes when I say something that displeases him. It pretty much equates to “F you, Mom” or “Suck it.”  He says it while giving me a single quick, jerky, upward head nod to drive the point home. If he were capable of flipping me off, he would just do that instead because it’s pretty much the same thing.)

Me: NO!

Mattix: Aaarrrrrrr

Me: Do not talk back to me. NO!

Mattix: Aaarrrrrrr

Me: NO!

Mattix: Aaarrrrrrr

Now, each “Aaarrrrrrr’s” gets progressively more quiet and less forceful than the previous one. Each episode would end in a full on staring contest, wherein we would stare each other down for a minimum of sixty seconds until Mattix would finally accept defeat, look away, and stop throwing stuff.

Ridiculous? Probably. Funny to watch? Absolutely! Exhausting? Hell yes! However, we only did that little song and dance for about a week. After that, I decided that he got my point and our small arguments were only making the issue bigger. So, I’ve been ignoring his Aaaarr’s for a few weeks. I think they’re fewer and farther between.  While I think ignoring them works well now, I absolutely think I needed to address them in the beginning or he’d still be fully telling me what’s up all day long. His Attitude is still there for sure and he still challenges about 80% of what I say, but not in a bad or big way. Most of the time.

Mattix is far more respectful of people that he doesn’t know as well as say, Ed, my mom and me, but people that he still knows nonetheless. For example, he doesn’t challenge my friends in the same way that he challenges us. And he challenges me the most, without a doubt. I suspect it is because I’m his primary caretaker. (I hate that phrase, but I don’t know what else to call it.) 

He can’t stand still or refrain from making a mess to save his life – Ed has taken to calling him Captain Destructo – but that kid can still sit at a restaurant table for up to an hour and a half, displaying impeccable manners. This has led to us eating out even more often than we used to, which was already ridiculous, but I need the “break” where and when I can get it, which at this point, appears to be at restaurants.

Sorry – this post really is all over the place. Back to his appointment today… I’ve mentioned that I LOVE his pediatrician. She’s awesome. For a little background, she’s not much older than I am and she and her husband have two boys under three. She works part time – four mornings a week. IMO, she has it all figured out as far as the work-life balance. I’d love to be in her position (in the legal field, not medical, obviously) after we complete our second adoption and settle in as a family of four. She reminds me very much of myself – extremely committed to being a mom, but also very interested in keeping a bit of a professional life. She burst into the room today and gave me a huge hug. Her intern had already been in and have given her a summary of where we’re at, so that allowed us to spend half an hour chit chatting about “stuff” related to Mattix and kids in general.  She was so excited to see how well Mattix was doing. Just four months ago, I was sobbing because I was so tired I couldn’t see straight! I love her approach to raising children, which is extremely practical. She’s not all about text book and cut-and-dry approaches. She very much takes the “what works for your family” approach, so long as it’s healthy and not detrimental. The office is always behind, so by the time we saw her, Mattix and I had been there for two hours. By that point, I was fully letting him tear around the room and touch whatever he wanted. After she had looked him over, I put him on the floor. As he threw himself on his back and proceeded to roll around the exam room floor, alternatively giggling and taking sips out of his cup that he had already thrown on the ground, I thought, “No reason to start pretending I’m super Mom just because we’re in front of Mattix’s pediatrician.” At the same time, she was laughing and said something to the effect that she knew I wasn’t one of those crazy moms who is all over my kid and that he needs an immune system, anyway. My philosophy exactly!  Listen, my mom boiled all my toys and didn’t let me touch anything “germy” and look where that got me! (No offense, mom, but it was a bit overboard, no?)

Bottle. I felt reassured that everything we’re doing and the changes we’ve made recently are just fine. The big one relates to the bottle. I “took it away” about three weeks ago for daytime use and replaced it with a sippy cup.  If you’ve read our blog for a while, you might recall seeing Mattix with his bottle tethered to him with a bottle strap in just about every photo where he is in the stroller or car seat. Or not, because what the hell do you care, right?! Anyway, if you did notice, that’s because Mattix couldn’t be in the car or in his stroller without a bottle. I knew that replacing the bottle with the sippy was not going to be fun, but I had been reading his cues and I was pretty sure it was time. I feel like I made the right decision. While I won’t say the transition was totally seamless, it wasn’t bad, either. It made car rides a bit noisy and stroller time somewhat attention getting for a few weeks, but he’s doing incredibly well now. Because I had never given him any toys in the car or stroller (no reason other than I didn’t think of it), I simply replaced the bottle with a sippy and a few toys. It worked better than I had expected. I should say that I’ve been watering down daytime bottles very significantly for months now. The kid eats like a horse and he hasn’t needed formula for nutrition for quite some time; he just used formula/bottles for comfort. *I believe* that the one and only source of comfort Mattixhad in the orphanage was a bottle. So, while WE certainly replaced the bottle for comfort, he still relied on it in situations where we couldn’t soothe him, such as in the car seat and in the stroller. Half the time, he just wanted the bottle in his mouth. (BTW, he would NOT take a paci, period, so that wasn’t an option.) Anyway, for every four ounces of water, I was using about half or three quarters of a scoop of formula (instead of two scoops). Interestingly, now Mattix will NOT drink any formula – watered down or full strength - out of a sippy cup, but I’m not worried.  We’re going to begin giving him whole milk in the sippy cup tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes. Like I said, I’m not too concerned. While I know milk is full of good stuff, I’m also confident that he’s getting what he needs right now. If he needs or wants the milk, he’ll drink it. Mattix will and does eat just about anything, so I don’t have any worries about nutrition at this point. I’ll talk about his eating habits in a minute.

He still takes his nighttime bottles, but I’m working on eliminating those. I really feel like the timing of this is perfect because he is also getting to the point where he’s starting to prefer to fall asleep himself (instead of being rocked to sleep). It’s not that he just lays down and falls to sleep, but he also doesn’t fall asleep in our laps while being rocked very easily. That part makes me sad because both Ed and I loved the bonding time, but it’s also working about well with the bottle changes. Sleeping and the bottle dependence go hand in hand, so as we wean him off the bottle, he’s also sleeping a bit more. I’ve been seriously watering down his middle of the night bottle – about one quarter scoop for four ounces of water – and he’s only waking up for it about half the time. Sometimes, he’ll wake up for it, but won’t drink it. I’m going to switch that one to 100% water in the next week and I hope it will take care of that. We cannot get him past 5:00 a.m without a bottle to save our lives. I also water that one down significantly, but he wakes up for it without fail. However, one step at a time. To me, one or two nighttime wake ups is like a gift from God! While I’d love to have our nights back altogether, I can’t completely wallow in self pity because this is leaps and bounds ahead of where we were five months ago. I’d love to be done with the bottles in the next month, but I’ve never put a time deadline on anything with Mattix’sprogress or development thus far and I’m certainly not going to start with something like this.  I don’t care if people (not here, just in general) are all full of judgment and advice. I think what we’re doing works for us and I’m entirely comfortable with it. That’s another post I’ve been meaning to write…

And naps…YES, naps! He requires a daily nap, thank goodness. He almost always sleeps for an hour and a half each day, usually going down around 11:00. He cannot be rocked to sleep for his nap, so we put him in his crib with an incredibly watered down bottle – which he often pitches out anyway – and he plays with his music player and Glow Worm, chats, and tosses around for 15-45 minutes before falling asleep. Every once in a while – maybe once every two weeks – he cries, so I of course take him out immediately and just try again later. I’ve read conflicting things about putting adopted kiddos down in their cribs for naps to fall asleep themselves, but I feel comfortable with this. I feel like I know Mattix well enough to know if it were detrimental to him. He cries when he wants me or is unhappy or hurts. He’s not longer complacent or compliant or silent on his needs, so I feel like he’d let me know if this weren’t working for him. I could of course be wrong, but like I said, I feel pretty good about it.  Plus, let’s be honest. It took four months to get Mattix to the point where he could take a nap. He needs a nap very much now, so if this is the way he is able to get it and it’s not affecting him adversely as far as I can tell, we’re sticking with it. Just to be clear, I NEVER leave him if he cries. Whining, talking, playing, etc., are not the same as crying. And this nap development has only occurred in the past six or so weeks. Sooo…for anyone who cannot get their child to nap and is recently home, you can look to us for hope. I’m telling you, if Mattix learned to nap, ANY child can learn to nap!

Words: the kid is still obsessed wtih the dog, so he says “dog” no less than 100 times a day. I wish I were making that up or exaggerating. Dog was his first official word and it’s by far his favorite. He also says mama and dada. He identifies Ed and I as mom and dad and uses mama and dada when he wants us, so that’s good. With great prodding, he’ll also say ni-ni (night night) and bye bye, but not on his own. The early intervention evaluator and his ped both said that his language acquisition is age appropriate. I feel like it might be a bit delayed, but I’m not at all concerned. I’ll write about my thoughts on that eventually.

Comprehension and memory: Mattix’scomprehension if phenomenal. He understands WAY too much, which was the final kick in the ass I needed to clean up my mouth (around him, not on the blog! Ha ha).  I haven’t found much he doesn’t understand at this point. Coupled with his incredible memory, I’m in trouble. He had taken off one of his shoes the other day and I couldn’t find it to save my life. He was tolling around the house with one shoe on, one shoe off.  We were running late and it was driving me crazy. I “narrate” a lot, so I must have finally said something to the effect of, “Mattix, what did you do with that shoe?!” I had been looking for at least five minutes. He had me put him down, he led me upstairs, ran into my room, crawled UNDER my bed, pulled out his shoe, and handed it to me. Seriously. This is not an uncommon occurrence. He understands so much. And he remembers everything. He’ll remember where he hid a sippy cup hours earlier. If I’m looking for his cups at the end of the day (I’ve learned to “inventory” them because nobody likes to find one of those bad boys five days later, all nasty and moldy), I’ll ask him, “Mattix, where’s your juice cup?” or “Mattix, where’s you milk?” He’ll almost always go and find it for me, even when he has put it somewhere strange - like under a couch cushion.

Intuition. Mattixis very intuitive. I’m constantly fascinated. Today at the doctor’s office, when the intern placed him on the examining table, he reached up and pulled down the flashlight tool that allows the doctor to look into the ear. He literally held it up to one ear, then the other, then held it to each of the doctor’s ears. What the hell? The doctor asked if we’d been playing with it while we waited. While I’m so not above that – I’d already handed him four separate tongue depressors and three rubber gloves -  Mattix actually had not been on the table at all. The last time he had seen the tool was three and a half months prior at his last appointment. The doctor was amazed that he knew what to do with it. I wasn’t surprised. He’s been using the remote controls to turn on the televisions since he was eleven months old, just two weeks after we came home. The kid hadn’t even seen a television and he knew how to use it within two weeks! And it’s not one of those hit-all-the-buttons-until-something-happens things. The first time he did it, he literally held the remote, examined it, pointed it at the television, then hit the power button.  I’m sure it was because the power button is a different color, but still! Since then, he has done the same thing with all of the televisions in our house. He loves to walk into a room and turn the television on. He’s also been torturing me with the phones lately. Often, someone will call my cell phone to ask me if I was aware that our phone has been off the hook all day. For a while, Mattix’s favorite thing to do was go into my bedroom and take the cordless phone from my night stand, turn it on, and hide it. Then I’d have to ask him where the phone was. Depending on his mood, he’d either get it for me or secretly laugh his ass off while I tore the house apart looking for it. He has finally stopped that game, but if I’m on the phone and I won’t get off despite his yelling at me to do so, he’ll march into my bedroom, take the phone, turn it on, and yell directly into the phone. Oy. The kid’s too smart for his own good. Or my good.

Fine motor skills. Crazy. His gross motor skills are average, but his fine motor skills are great. Ed keeps those little mini child sized juice boxes on my night stand so that I can treat middle of the night and early morning low blood sugars. I’m sure Mattix has seen me drink out of them, but I’ve never given one to him because I water down his juice significantly. The other day, he walked into my room and I followed him. He pulled down a juice box. Because he is Captain Destructo right now, he’ll literally clear an entire surface in two seconds then move on to the next thing. However, he took the juice box and pulled off the straw (it was one of those boxes that has the straw sorta glued to the side). He held the straw for a second and then unwrapped it (it was wrapped in plastic). Then he set down the straw and picked up the juice box. He flipped it around a few times, located the tiny little foil covered hole, picked up the straw, and pushed it through. I was pretty shocked, so I just sat there quietly and watched. He proceeded to suck down the juice in thirty seconds flat (I’m sure it tasted amazing because it wasn’t cut with 80% water!), then he got up and THREW box aside, clearly irritated that it was empty. I kid you not. He’s able to manipulate small objects with relative ease. The early intervention specialist handed him her pen while she was here to see if he’d color on a piece of paper. Instead, he disassembled it for her.

Social sklls: Well, Mattix is super social, but he still doesn’t have any friends because I’m a crappy mom in that department. I talked to his doctor about that today. I don’t feel like a play group mom. There’s nothing wrong with play groups and play group moms. Nothing at all.  It’s just that I feel like I don’t fit in.  It’s my issue and I need to work on it, but I’m not sure how. Mattix’s ped said she has the same “problem,” so at least I’m not alone! All of my friends are career women. I’ve heard a lot of women say that they became most distant from their career oriented friends when they become moms because they relate to other moms more, but for me, that’s not the case. My friendships have not changed one bit. I still have tons in common with my friends, very few of whom have children. I fully realize that I’m the “odd one out,” but I never feel that way. Our conversations haven’t changed much at all. It would certainly be nice to have mom friends, but I feel like many of the women I might have things in common with are at work during play group time. This probably makes no sense at all, but it does in my head. And I know it’s irrational, because there are so many women who blog that I’d LOVE to meet and hang out with in real life. Maybe I need to find an adoptive mom playgroup. I know there are a few in my city, so I’ll look into that. I think a big thing I’m having issues with is the strange standards that some parents set for their children and the comparisons they make. I find that’s not really an issue with the onlineadoption blogging community, so I’m sure that would translate into real life as well. This is a whole ‘nother blog post in itself, so I’ll stop now. Anyway, the bottom line is that Mattix has no friends and I feel like he should. I asked his doctor what she thought about enrolling him in a pre-preschool class in the fall and she thought it would be great. He’d only go two or three days a week for a few hours at a time. I think we’ll look into that. I’m not quite ready to “release” him into a group setting, for a few reasons. First, I realize how fortunate we are (and also what we gave up) to have me at home with him. And second, because of the extreme adjustment “situation” we experienced, I feel like he’s not quite ready for a group setting. For now, he’s fascinated with, but hesitant around, other kids. Today in the elevator, he really wanted to touch the little boy standing next to us. Oh, he’s also started referring to children as “dogs.” So yeah, time for friends! His ped said that as long as he is regularly interacting with children by the age of two, I don’t need to worry.

His best buddy is our dog. I know it’s sad, but it’s also so cute. I’m beginning to fear that he loves the dog more than me. I’m often just the tool he uses to get to the dog. Every morning I think he wants me as he calls “Momma! Momma!” But really, he just needs to me come in and get him so he can then yell, “DOG,” dive back onto the floor, and tongue kiss Gidget. One day I’ll learn. I certainly know where I fall on the importance scale.

He’s a very social little guy WHEN he initiates the encounter. He’s still stranger wary and is very opposed to strangers touching him or talking to him if he’s not interested. However, if he decides he’d like to talk to someone, watch out. That kid can flirt like nobody’s business. He’s very funny and he has a whole slew of antics that crack people up. In addition to the fake laugh and the fake cough, he has also developed the most realistic fake sneeze so that people will say, “Bless you” to him. Then he uses it as an “in” for the whole conversation. I fear that my kid will be the one in the college bar, using the crazy, unbelievable, lame pick up lines that somehow work.

Food: Mattix will eat just about anything. Honestly. I can’t really think of a food he won’t eat. If for some reason he finds something he doesn’t love, he’ll try it at least five times before giving up.  He loves spicy food, especially Vietnamese. Recently, he went nuts over some rather spicy lemon grass chicken. He loves fish – just about any kind, particularly salmon, salsa, avocados, bananas, low fat string cheese, pho, steamed vegetables, teryakichicken with rice, and pizza. The other night, he sat at the table and dipped mini bread sticks in marinara sauce. He looks so old when he does that! He likes to feed himself with a fork, but he’ll also let us feed him if we’re so inclined (meaning we don’t want a mess). He’s gotten a bit neater and has become really pushy about using a fork.

Etc. I’ve went on and on and I’m almost done! He can identify all sorts of body parts, although most are old “tricks.” We need to teach him a few new ones because he has known these for at least two months. He can identify his hands, hair, fingers, ears, belly/tummy, and feet. If you ask about his nose, eyes, teeth, or tongue, he’ll point to yours. I’m not sure why he does that, but it’s funny! I would say it’s because he can’t see them on himself, but that’s not the case because he doesn’t have a problem with his own ears. Just the parts on his face!  

Despite his stubbornness, he is amazingly sweet. His “loves” are fewer an farther between than they used to be, so I just appreciate them all the more when I receive them. The cutest thing – ever since Ed taught him to blow kisses, he now makes the “muuaaah” noise when he gives a kiss. Oh, and his kisses are closed-mouth 90% of the time.  So, Gidget gets at least 50 kisses a day and I get one or two on a good day. Such is life!

I think that’s about it. I know there’s stuff I’m missing, but let’s be honest, I could just keep writing and writing. These are just some of the things I’d like to remember. On days that are more difficult than others – the days that leave me exhausted and worn out – I think of all of the amazing things that Mattix does and it makes the hard parts less serious. As I was loading up his stroller today, I was struggling. Imagine that. Actually, I had turned the seat around so that he could face me (instead of facing forward) the other day and now I can’t figure out how to properly fold it down. Anyway, I was struggling. A woman who was in her mid-30’s and probably about seven months pregnant, said, “Oh gosh. That looks complicated. I’m signing up for a lot of work, aren’t I?!”  I said, “Yup, you sure are. And the baby gear is just the tip of the iceberg. But while it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, it’s also the most rewarding.” And I mean it. This is by far the most rewarding job. Mattix’s pediatrician said today that she’s far more exhausted on the days she’s home all day with the kids than she is on the days that she works. I believe it!

And on that note, I’d better try to sleep. While Mattix was a trooper DURING the shots, the after effects have not been all that fun for him today. He couldn’t nap and has had an “off” day. In fact, he has only been asleep for an hour and a half and I’ve already had to pat his back on two separate occasions. Looks like it’s going to be a long night! Happy Friday.

We’re alive!

I’m so sorry to have disappeared for a while. If it’s any consolation, I’ve sorta disappeared from a lot of real life as well! I’ll just say that while something frightening happened to me, it appears that everything is going to be okay. I appreciate everyone’s emails and I’m so sorry I haven’t responded. I honestly haven’t had any free time whatsoever for the past three plus weeks. It took a lot out of me to post on mother’s day and the subsequent photos last week.

I’ll be back posting photos of Mattix this weekend…I promise. He’s doing quite well, although he has absolutely, clearly, without a doubt entered the terrible two’s at fifteen months. Defiance, anyone?!?!  The timing of his “testing” phase has not been the best and I swear, my baby’s wearing me down. However, like always, Mattix is such an awesome kid who responds well to Ed and me. My mom cut out an article from a medical journal for me detailing a large scale research study on children and defiance. The gist was the children who display defiance to their parents, so long as the parents are not clinically depressed, do well later in life. Through their actions and their parents reactions, they learn how to test limits in life within the appropriate boundaries and how to conform to social norms. The reason that children of depressed parents don’t come out of the defiance period as well is because clinically depressed moms will often react angrily (and yell or hit), thus teaching their children to become timid and overly compliant.

So, all of this is to say that the good news is because I’m not depressed and because Mattix has taken this defiance thing to a whole new level, he’s going to kick some ass in life one day!!!! That’s my take home message and I’m sticking with it.

As an example of his new found attitude, my mom was changing a poopy diaper yesterday. I should mention that Mattix discovered his boy parts about three weeks ago, so every time we change a diaper, he goes for quick a grab because they are still “new.”  And while I’m on the topic, can anyone please explain to me how that little thing can STRETCH so much without causing him great pain? I swear, the first time he grabbed and pulled I almost passed out for him! I think he’s confusing it with silly putty. Anywho, he went for the grab and my mom told him “no” because she didn’t want him to get any of the icky dirty diaper contents on his hands. He looked right at her, held is finger up, and said, “uh, uh, uuhhh” three times while shaking his head back and forth. Are you kidding?!?! My mom said it took everything she had not to crack up. That’s what I do when he’s testing me – I’ll shake my head back and forth (along with my pointer finger) and say, “Uh, uh, uuhhh” to reinforce the “no.” I do that because he looks at me while sllloowwwlllyyy reaching towards whatever it is that he is NOT supposed to be doing. Anyway, can you get over that? ATTITUDE!

He’s so spicy and although it is sometimes tiring, it’s not a bad thing.  Oh, and he’s developed the most realistic fake sneeze ever. I’ll write about that tomorrow. I haven’t been following blogs because, like I said, I just haven’t had the time. So, I’m going to do my best to get caught up tomorrow. Thank you again for the emails. I’m very grateful to have people in my life I consider friends, even though we haven’t met in real life.

Mother’s Day Photos

I’m posting a few photos from Mother’s Day. We had a really nice afternoon, spent with my grandparents, my great grandma, and my parents. Mattix was super sweet at lunch and couldn’t give out enough “loves.” it was so much fun! 

The photo above is of my grandma, my mom, myself, and my great grandma. That means it’s of Mattix’s great grandma, his grandma, his momma, and his great great grandma (yup, two greats). Pretty crazy, huh?!

On Sunday, I had just finished telling my mom that I looked like I’d been stung by a bee and had a bad reaction. We were sitting at the table at the restaurant and my mom and I were cracking up. I’ve been inadvertently “poisoned” by gluten a few times lately. One of the outward visible results is an extremely puffy face (the “invisible” ones are far more disgusting, trust me, and that’s saying a lot for me to be more disgusted by something other than my fat, swollen face). Plus, my thyroid medication is no longer effective at its current level and it takes at least six week to find out whether the new one is more accurate. Anyway, the result of the whole deal is a fat, puffy, swollen face. So, my mom and I were laughing about it and right at that moment, my great grandma, whose only age-related issue is some moderate hearing loss, said, “Wow, Terry, you and Laura look exaclty alike. Don’t they look exactly alike, Georgia (my grandma and my great gradmna’s daughter)?   So my mom said, “So you’re saying i look swollen and puffy?” And my gradma said, “Oh yes, exactly!” All the while smiling and nodding emphatically. My mom said, “Thank you, Grammy!” And my great grandma said, “Oh, you’re welcome. It’s true!”

BTW, my mom’s not mean to me at all. We have strikingly similar senses of humor. She is actually far nicer to me than I usually deserve and is incredibly loving and kind. It’s just that we both find humor in everything. And no, neither one of us in mean to my great grammy. With her hearing loss, we’ve learned that the best thing to do is just go with it. At Christmas, she opened up a gift from my parents, which was a very pricey watch and an extremely nice necklace. When she asked who it was from and my mom said, “That’s from Chuck and I, Grammy.” She somehow heard “Ed and Laura.” She was just blown away by the incredibly expensive gift from Ed and me. My mom said, “Well, Laura and Ed are just that generous with their gifts these days.” And Grammy was all, “Oh, absolutely.” It was pretty funny. So then, as she repeatedly thanked me and asked where I found it, I had to make stuff up. Good times at Christmas!

I got off topic. Imagine that! I also have a five generation picture – same as the one above, but with Mattix as well. That really blows my mind. However, by then, we’d been staring into the sun for photos for five minutes and Mattix was sick and tired of being handed around. We’re all squinting terribly, not really looking at the camera, and Mattix is visibly annoyed. Maybe I’ll have a few glasses of wine one day and lose my inhibitions and post it. For now, I’m giving myself “no shame” credit for posting the one above! Just picture Mattix in my arms.

The photos below were taken once we were back home. It was such a beautiful day here on Sunday and Ed, Mattix, and I really enjoyed being outside for a while. Mattix is into the goofiest faces lately and it’s difficult to catch a photo of him with his “normal” smile or face. He makes all sorts of funny faces – one eye open, mouth wide open, mouth all twisted up. They are hilarious and cute, but I’d like him to jump on board with a few “regular” ones, too! These are the best of about 50. I’m still insistent that he’s adorable no matter what kind of face he’s making.

I’ve written a post that’s a bit more serious, but I’m not into serious right now. I’ve needed a little un-serious, given everything that has happened over the past three weeks and given a few things I’m personally dealing with currently. So, serious to come soon!

I hope your week is going well. Keep scrolling for gratuitous photos!

 

 

 

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

Happy Mother’s Day…

…to all moms who are raising their children, to moms who are waiting to travel for their babies, and to the almost-moms who are waiting to see their baby’s face for the first time. I hope you have a wonderful day.

On this day last year, we had been waiting for Mattix for two months, gazing at his photos every day. Little did I know at the time that we’d wait another seven months to finally meet him.  Although I was technically a mom, if I’m being honest, I didn’t feel like one. I’ve said it a lot, but I didn’t have a mommy instinct, didn’t have an incredible and overwhelming feeling of desperately wanting to be a mom. My heart told me I wanted to be a mom and I was very excited about it, but my mind was unsure. I felt very removed and distant from other moms at the time. I didn’t understand. I didn’t get it. (BTW, I realize I was pretty much abnormal and that most people don’t feel this way!)

One year later and I AM a mom. I feel like a mom. Mattix made me a mom. And I love my new job. I love being his mom. It’s hard, it’s tiring, it’s sometimes lonely, it’s occasionally emotionally exhausting. And it is the greatest, most rewarding thing I’ve had the privilege of being – being his mom.

I love Mattix more every day. I didn’t know this was possible. I didn’t know that the love you have for someone can double each and every day. Every once in a while, I’ll say to Ed, “You know, I love him so much now that I’m pretty sure I can’t love him any more. I just love him that much.” And then a month later, I’ll find myself saying the same thing. How is this possible?

I didn’t fall into motherhood naturally like so many women seem to do. I didn’t come with the genes that allow a woman to be great at it. But I knew that about myself ahead of time. I knew that this wasn’t going to come naturally to me, as a lot of things had in other areas of my life. Now, just five months into it, and I feel like a mom. As Elaine has said about those of us who don’t have the gene, it’s a bacteria that grows on you. Well, I’m fully infected now.  I’m not super mom by any stretch of the imagination, but being a mom feels “normal” now. It feels great.

I’m a very, very independent person by nature. It took a while for me to adjust to having another person 100% dependent on me, 100% of the time. I’ve never wanted anyone else to be my world, and I’ve never wanted to be anyone else’s world. But Mattix? He’s my world. I still want to be me - I don’t want to lose myself - but I now realize what it means when people say that their children mean the world to them. Mattix means the world to me.  I’ve also never believed that the sun rises and sets over another person as far as being in a relationship, but when you’re a mom, the sun does rise and set over your child(ren). I love feeling that way. As I was telling a blogging friend, it’s the kind of love that can bring you to your knees. And I’m so fortunate to experience that every day.

The silly little saying that I put on Mattix’s adoption announcements (the ones I had printed three months ago and still haven’t mailed out) said, “A baby fills a place in your heart you never knew was empty.” I’m not cheesy – things that like usually annoy me. But that one? It makes me cry. I didn’t know what I was missing. I had no idea. If I had seen that before we had Mattix, I would have rolled my eyes. But in my case, as it turns out, it’s so, so true.

I didn’t know I was missing something until I had that something.

I’m grateful. I’m appreciative. I’m fortunate. Mattix has given me more than I could have imagined. He’s an amazing gift.

To Mattix’s first mom, I want to say thank you. Thank you doesn’t even begin to cover it, but nonetheless, thank you. You gave life to an incredible little person. I promise to do my best each and every day.  I love our son more than anything in the world.

To my mom, I want to say thank you. For being such an incredible mom, for raising me the way you did, for being an example that I do my best to live up to every day. For still being there for me, all the time, for answering my endless stream of questions, and for all of the solicited advice (and for not giving me lots of unsolicited advice!). I love you.

To my friends who are waiting to travel for your babies, I think of you all the time. This time next year, you’ll have those babies home with you and mother’s day will be all the sweeter.

For my friends who are waiting for their referrals, you are especially in my thoughts today. I pray that this is the last one without your babies.

Happy Mother’s Day! Have a wonderful day!

Scary, scary day

Today was a rough day for Mattix and me. Very rough and very, very scary. We hung around the house today. There’s a reason and I’ll write about it in another post; I’ve been thinking about a lot of things I’d like to talk about. But I’m too emotionally exhausted and worn out right now.

Mattix was eating his snack crackers this afternoon as he wandered around, playing with his toys. He does this often and it’s never been a big deal. Today, he swallowed the what I swear was the tiniest piece of cracker – and it lodged in his throat. One minute he was standing by his Big Blocks wagon and the next he was on all fours, choking. Not coughing – because there has to be some air that makes it through to cough. No, he was fully choking. I flew over to him , bent him over my leg, and pounded on his back while at the same time using my other hand to do my best at a semi-Heimlich. I think the whole incident lasted less than sixty seconds. It wasn’t long, but it seemed like forever. He finally projectile hacked the piece out and started coughing and screaming. Then he puked. Then I nearly puked. It was seriously so tiny. It must have lodged just right so as to cut off his airway.

Poor baby cried and clung to me for over half an hour. I got him a bottle and we sat on the couch together. I’ve been scared on many occasions during my life, but I’ve never been terrified like I was today. I’m still sick to my stomach.

To top it off, about two hours later, Mattix was running – yes running, even though he hasn’t mastered to art of walking yet - across the kitchen to me when he literally face planted on the tile. I snatched him up and he was bleeding from his mouth. I finally got him to let me pry his mouth open and take a look. His two little bottom teeth had cut into his top gums. Like all mouth injuries, the amount of blood was far worse than the actual injury. Normally, this wouldn’t have upset me so much. I’m actually pretty good about remaining calm. But today, I couldn’t take it. I finally cried. Poor little guy actually stopped crying, looked at me, then patted my arm.

Thank goodness Ed came home tonight. I don’t think I’d be okay right now if he had not. He got home just in time to get Mattix ready for bed. Mattix is sound asleep on his “floor bed” right now. It was an exhausting day for both of us. I gave him a lot of extra hugs and kisses tonight.

Let’s home tomorrow is far less eventful! I haven’t read blogs in a few days, save for a small handful, because we’ve honestly been that busy. I’ll catch up soon.

Getting back into the swing of things…

(photos at the end)

I’ve been quiet on the blog for the past week. I know I’m not alone, but I have not had the easiest time with last week’s upheaval. I’ve been sleeping more poorly than usual (I didn’t know that was even possible) and I can’t get a lot of things out of my mind. I actuallywake up in the middle of the night mid-thought. Time to stop. I’m entirely committed to doing what I can to participate in the various efforts to ensure ethical adoptions (for something that everyone can easily do, go here), but dwelling isn’t going to do anything. Laying in bed at night, wide awake, with a million thoughts streaming through my mind isn’t getting me anywhere. Ed and I have spent a lot more time discussing what the current situation means for our family (Mattix) and what it means for the way our family will grow in the future. Hopefully I’ll have something to share soon.

For now, I’m done laying awake at night, allowing so many thoughts to fill my head. I’m done dwelling on things that I cannot change or control. I’m done with the so many what if’s that are taking up too much space in my head. Instead, I’m focusing on my incredible son, my family, and the many blessings I’m so fortunate to receive.

We had a nice, laid back weekend. Once again, I attempted the distraction thing with a movie. A friend and I saw Made of Honor. It was cute, sorta funny, predictable, and way too fairy tale princess for me, but I enjoyed it anyway. I’m not so into the whole fairy tale princess stories if you couldn’t have guessed. I just don’t think they’re real life at all and they give girls unrealistic expectations of what to expect in life, but here’s where Ed would tell me it’s an effing movie..stop analyzing it…let it go.  Then he’d roll his eyes. (As a side note, he also said, “There’s no way in hell I’m seeing that movie, so absolutelyyou should go today with Kedra if you want to see it” after my friend called to ask if I wanted to go). Cute, unrealistic movie. Got to stare at McDreamy for a few hours.  Drank a huge Diet Coke (yup, I recently threw myself off of that wagon) and ate a small popcorn. All in all, not a bad way to spend two hours.

Tonight, I’m going to dinner with a group of girls for a good friend’s birthday.  We’ve known each other since seventh grade, when we became great friends. After high school, we sort of grew apart. We would stay in contact via email and instant message a few times a year, but (physical) distance and different places in life kept us apart. We went to college in different states, then when she moved back to our home state after college, I moved to the state where she went to undergrad so I could attend law school. Bad timing, becausewe’d have only been an hour and a half away from each other!  Once I was back home, we were just doing our things. Again, we kept in touch periodically via email, but nothing more. I of course included her in the email announcing Mattix’s referral to our friends and family. That’s when we she said, “Okay, enough. We’re getting together!” It’s been just over a year since we became close again and you’d never know we hadn’t been in constant contact for those eight or nine years. We’ve known each other for 16 years. When her mom is in town, Sarah, her mom, my mom and I get together for lunch or dinner. Because she and I grew up together, our families know each other. Anyway, I was just thinking about that today and was reminded of yet another way I’m so lucky. I have so many different, great friends that I adore and respect.

Speaking of friends. I have “met” some wonderful people via blogging that have made me think more rationally about the current situation. My real life friend Karen (Khai’s mom) offered me some great perspective early in the week. A handful of members on a Ya*hoo group I’m part of made me feel so welcome after I had made myself feel the opposite based on the VN situation and our current inability to pursue a second child from VN, and my “regular” non-adopting friends have been there for me in the ways that they are capable given their own understanding of the situation. While I sometimes only want or need the perspective of those who have been/are going through through adoption, there are also times when it’s nice to get the perspectives of those who have no idea what we deal with. Sometimes that frustrates me because I feel like you just don’t get it until you’ve lived it (and that’s pretty much true). However, I’m also reminded that not living it can offer a fresh view that isn’t bogged down with the intricacies of the situation. It doesn’t mean that those intricacies don’t apply or that I can ignore them, but it means that I can’t get entirely caught up in them. We’re raising an internationally adopted child, but we’re raising a child. The fact that he is internationally adopted is not all that makes Mattix Mattix. (As a side note, I had a very insightful email conversation about that issue with another blogger I respect very much. You know who you are – thank you for that.) And finally, three other bloggers who I respect and care about have dealt with very difficult things this past week and have handled them with grace and an incredible outlook. Time to change my attitude.

So, with that, this is a new week and a new outlook. On the developmental front, Mattix has been fully practicing his mad walking skillz since we returned from St Louis. He walks about half the time now and crawls the other half. It’s so darn cute. So pretty much he just needed the inspiration to walk, and by inspiration, I mean seeing a kid close to his age actually do it! Today, Ed taught him how to blow kisses. Holy crap, it’s priceless. He makes the the whole “muuaahhh” noise and everything. LOVE IT.

Finally, here are a few photos of Mattix from this morning, being way too cute. I have a TON of mardi gras type beads hanging in my closet. I think I have mentioned that in a former, no-kids life, Ed and I frequented Vegas. We love the great shows (I’ve seriously seen every Cirque show at least once and some of them two or three times), cool hotels, amazing restaurants, black jack, a few Goose and tonics, and the irresponsible escape from real life. Ahhh, memories…  Whenever we go, I end up with tons of mardi gras beads. And no, for those of you wondering, I do not pull the Girls Go*ne Wi*ld move for them. Trust me, if I did that, I’d have a severe mardi gras bead deficit, ’cause there ain’t nothin’ up there that would earn me any beads. Really. Trust me. Nothing about 32A translates into mardi gras beads. Anyway, Mattix found my breads and apparently he’s a fan. I fully realize that he’s a boy, but I thought this was so cute. He pulled two off of the hook and put them on himself. I tried to take them off when we left my room, but he was having noneof it. He wore them around downstairs as well. He was driving me crazy with the stupid phone and charger (he pulls them off of my nightstand 200 times a day, unplugs the charger, takes the phone of the hook, then hides it), but he wasn’t willing to give up the props. They kind of interfere with the cute-ness, but oh well.