Heartbreak, disappointment, sadness, confusion

This is a lot for me to process, as it is for so many families, and I’m so sorry for everyone affected. I am so sorry because all of us in the VN adoption community are affected - those waiting for their children who are uncertain whether they’ll have referrals in time and those who are pretty certain that they will not,  and those whose children are home with their families. Yes, those of with who are fortunate enough to have our children home are still profoundly affected.

Even more, my heart breaks for every last family and child affected in Vietnam – the families that our embassy refers to in the report who were tricked into making their babies “available” for adoption, who were forced to make their babies “available” for adoption, and those who were made to feel that they had no other options.

The report probably isn’t news. I mean, we’ve all heard things. The killer was reading it all, in one place, prepared by our government. It’s an official government report on a government website and that is that. This report painted the situation in VN with such a sweeping, broad brush that I think it makes many of us suddenly question things a LOT more than we did in the past. Many of us who, for various reasons (good agency choice, circumstances surrounding child’s relinquishment/abandonment, etc.), weren’t too consumed with concern are suddenly starting to feel less secure. After all, this report leaves me with the feeling that corruption permeates the VNese adoption program. It makes me wonder if it’s so pervasive that even the most ethical, conscientious agencies may not know all that goes on behind the scenes.  That no matter how hard an agency’s in country staff works to ensure nothing but the highest standards of ethics are adhered to, that they too may be left in the dark.

The report reiterated a statistic that we’ve been given over and over - that the number of abandonments (or desertions – the term the report uses) has increased significantly since Vietnam reopened for adoption. According to the report, 80% of adoptions were relinquishments and 20% were abandonments BEFORE the shutdown. Those numbers have basically flip flopped for adoptions since VN reopened (in the past two and a half years). HOWEVER, the report goes on to state, “Orphanages not involved in intercountry adoption (emphasis added)…have reported to the Embassy that they have not seen any increase in the number of deserted children…[and that there have been] multiple, credible reports from orphanage officials that facilitators are deliberately staging fraudulent desertions to conceal the identity of the birth parents.” So, yeah, it seems that the Embassy is confirming what most of the community has known: paperwork has been altered to make many relinquishments appear to be abandonments.

I’ve been fairly certain that Mattix’s adoption was ethical. I still am fairly certain, but I’d be idiot not have questions, a knot in my stomach. We’ve always felt fortunate that Mattix was relinquished, both because we hope that it will give him access to HIS history and because we felt like it eliminated a lot of the uncertainty that comes with international adoption. Until pretty recently, we were under the impression that relinquishments are more likely to be “clean” because it is far easier to falsify paperwork and turn the adoption into an abandonment than to go through the long process with a relinquishment. Don’t get me wrong. We weren’t riding around on our high horses, all smug, thinking that we had absolutely, positively nothing to worry about and that we were oh so lucky that Mattix wasn’t abandoned. I’ve never once thought we’re “better off” than other families. I don’t want to come across that way. We just felt very fortunate. We felt pretty confident that given the circumstances surrounding Mattix’srelinquishment, the information that we have, things were on the up and up and that we personally wouldn’t have to address those possibilities as a family.

We’re still fairly certain that is the case, but now, this new report casts a shadow of doubt on all adoptions from Vietnam.  I didn’t give much thought to the following information I’m going to copy and paste directly from the report so as not to distort it in any way. It’s not that I didn’t care or that I didn’t want to think about it. I just didn’t know.

75% of birth parents who were interviewed by a consular officer stated that in addition to payments for food, medical care and administrative expenses, they received payment from the orphanage in exchange for placing their child in the orphanage. On average this payment was six million Vietnamese Dong, which is the equivalent of 11 months salary at minimum wage in Vietnam. Many of these families cited these payments as the primary reason for placing their child in an orphanage. The majority of these parents also state that they had not considered placing their child in an orphanage until a health care worker or orphanage official suggested to them that they should do so and informed them that they would receive a payment for doing so. Many of these parents also report that orphanage officials told them that the child will visit home frequently, will return home after they reach a certain age (often 11 or 12), or will send remittance payments from the United States. In these cases, the majority of birth parents have said they do not consent to the adoption if any of these conditions are not kept.

Well, hell. 75% is a high, huge, out of control percentage for sure. However, what our government fails to tell us is HOW MANY birth parents they actually interviewed. Did they interview five, ten, fifteen, one hundred? Furthermore, it would be helpful  to know where these birth parents resided.  Were they all interviewed in the same province, perhaps one known for corruption? Or were parents from all parts of Vietnam who had relinquished their children interviewed?

I can only imagine that parents whose children were abandoned aren’t feeling too great right now, either. The report notes that in 17 provinces where children are “made available” (I hate that term, but I can’t think clearly enough to come up with something better) for international adoption, the number of abandonments increased 17 fold while in other orphanages where the children are not available for international adoption, there was no increase. Again, what provinces? The ones we’ve all been told are corrupt or others? If others, which ones? The report simply says, “Throughout Vietnam, officials at orphanages connected with intercountry adoptions report a sharp increase in the number of deserted children has since 2005, the year that the adoption agreement with the United States was signed.” Throughout Vietnam? Where? All over? Everywhere? A few places? And 17? Which 17?

If you look at the big picture, the details and percentages don’t matter because corrupt is corrupt and wrong is wrong. We cannot support an adoption program that is clearly flawed and separates children from their families wrongfully, that fails to make a credible effort to find families domestically before resorting to finding families internationally for the children. This is the big picture and this I believe very strongly. I feel a need to do something. I don’t know what. I have no idea where to start. But I feel a sense of motivation that, while I felt it before, has suddenly become overwhelming.

On the smaller, more selfish scale, as a parent to a child that I love more than anything in the world, I feel upset that the report was so broad, so sweeping, yet so unspecific. I would do anything for my baby. I may not be mother of the year, but I love that little man more than anything in the world. I don’t want to have to look at my child and wonder whether the circumstances we’ve been told surround his relinquishment are true. I don’t want to have to wonder if I’m being honest when he asks me about his his story and I give it to him as we were told. Maybe I wouldn’t have to if we had details, if this report were not so broad. A number of people have left comments on VVAI stating that they want names and specifics. Me too. I want names and specifics, too.

Ed and I  have never intended to lie to Mattix, and by lie, I mean create a nice story about his beginnings to fill in the holes. I think in this day and age, with the information available to us, we all know that one of the biggest mistakes adoptive parents can make is to BS their kids because kids grow up. One day, kids no longer believe everything their parents tell them.  We were and still are always going to be honest with Mattix. We will give him age appropriate information, answer his questions, tell him what we know. When he asks things that we don’t know, we will be truthful. We will tell him we don’t know. But holy crap, did I think we might have to wonder whether his first mom was coerced into relinquishing him? Did I think we might have to wonder whether anyone paid her to relinquish him? Did I think we would have to answer those questions after he discovers Go*ogle one day? No, I just wasn’t prepared for that. I know a lot of parents have had to prepare for that, so I’m not being insensitive, I just never thought I’d have to sit here and wonder how we’re going to handle it.

A while back, I wrote a post about finding Mattix’s first mother. You can read that HERE if you’re interested. When I wrote that, I never once considered the possibility, no matter how remote, that if we decided to locate her, we could be told that she was coerced or paid. Never. Never. Never. Does that make me stupid? Quite possibly. I like to think that I’m no longer naive to international adoption, the way that I was well over two years ago when we began the process, but perhaps I’m not as informed as I thought.  It has happened in other countries. Why not Vietnam? Nonetheless, I never considered it. Ed and I have still been heavily discussing whether to locate Mattix’s first mom since I wrote that post. I was given a lot of really good advice from other APs, much of which was privately emailed to me (and that I sincerely appreciate, even if I haven’t returned your emails yet), and we’ve had a lot to talk about.  That discussion just became a lot more complicated. I’ll probably write more about that when I can think more clearly.

I like to believe that the thoughts that are swirling in my head - the ones that pertain to our family specifically -  are non-issues. That because we used a good agency whose ethics I still sincerely trust, we can rest assured that Mattix was a true orphan. That because the province took nine months to finish his paperwork, it clearly wasn’t in the baby selling business – if it was, wouldn’t it have been much faster (it is known for slow paperwork in general)? That because Mattix’s orphanage didn’t (and still doesn’t) refer lots of babies to the two U.S. agencies with which it works, there’s nothing questionable going on there.

However, because of this report, I just don’t know. I can’t bury my head in the sand and say with 100% certainty that there is nothing about which to be even slightly concerned. And more importantly, this IS happening. Whether it happened in our case or not, it is happening. And it is wrong. That should upset all of us. Every last one of us. I know there are countless APs and PAPs feeling like I do right now. Upset, sad, heartbroken, confused, disappointed, overwhelmed, tired, nauseous.

This report, on the Embassy’s website, is there. It’s there. We can’t ignore it. We can’t pretend it’s not there. This has become a part of every last child’s history who came to their family in the United States from Vietnam since early 2006. Whether some might think it could have been overstated to justify the actions that have been taken since October is not the point right now. (On a side note, I can’t decide how I feel about that. I fully realize that there are two sides to everything and while I absolutely do NOT question the report’s finding, I do want to know how broad they are. I don’t just assume that because this report was written in such a way to make the reader feel like corruption is the rule, rather than the exception, that every adoption from VN was corrupt. I’ll probably be able to write more about that when I can think more clearly. Right now I’m just overwhelmed. I’ve read it start to finish at least 20 separate times and I’m overwhelmed.)

I feel the need to do something, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve had trouble functioning normally this weekend. I hope I can figure out what to do soon. I tried to distract myself on Friday by going to a movie with a friend. It was a waste of $10 and 700 calories worth of buttered popcorn. I tried to distract myself with a project yesterday – one that turned out quite well, by the way - but it was a long day and my poor friend had to listen to an earful of my sadness and confusion. Today, I haven’t tried to distract myself at all. I’ve been doing a lot of sitting and staring at the wall. It’s time to start processing, I guess.

I hope that you don’t judge me too harshly for sharing my feelings. These are just my feelings, and they are my current feelings. I’m certain some will change. I hope I’ll have more clarity in the future. I’d like to offer my deepest sympathies to my blogging friends whose hopes of adopting from Vietnam have been all but dashed, to my friends who are waiting for referrals and are fairly sure – but still somewhat uncertain – that those will come before the September 1st cutoff, to my friends who are waiting to bring their babies home but now have all of this weighing on their minds while they wait, and to my friends who, like me, have a child home and are filled with uncertainty and questions. And I am more sorry than words can express to the families in Vietnam whose children were separated from them even though that wasn’t what they intended or would have done but for the international adoption program. And of course the children. I can’t even begin to talk about that. There aren’t words to convey those feelings.

And finally, I will share our own little personal disappointment regarding the closing of the Vietnam program.

While we were waiting for Mattix to come home, Ed and I knew we would want to adopt from Vietnam again. I began researching agencies about four or five months into our wait for travel. I knew that we wouldn’t be able to use the agency that was used (were using at that time) for Mattix’s adoption because, in my opinion, their wait list was prohibitively long. So, I spent a LOT of time researching. We ultimately chose an agency, signed a contract and planned to start our dossier. (That agency would allow us to submit a dossier at that time because the wait times would guarantee six months between placements.) As things first began to go “wrong” while we waited for our travel dates (meaning the wait was extended), I was too down to even think about it. So, I put it aside. Then the original blowup in late September and the subsequent immigration changes in late October made me put it aside indefinitely, as, for the first time, I suddenly felt uneasy about adopting from VN for a second time. 

However, when we traveled to Vietnam and experienced Mattix’s birth country, Ed and I had feelings we never knew we were capable of experiencing. Ed and I literally fell in love with the country and of course, our son. When we saw some of the things that we saw, we once again felt that there truly was a need for an international adoption program, even if some agencies were acting unethically. We felt like there were certainly children that were in need of homes and we began discussing what specials needs we were capable of handling. We had chosen what we believed (and still believe today) is an entirely ethical agency. So, as soon as we were home with Mattix, we started our dossier for a second adoption. It didn’t take me long to finish it at all (seriously, maybe a week or two), but I had an icky feeling, so I held onto it. Shortly thereafter, we started hearing the warnings, so I continued to hold it. I’ve been holding it since late January and I no longer have to wait for that “okay” feeling to send it in. Obviously, that feeling will never come. It’s going to the paper shredder.

There are a lot of “what if’s.” What if I had just finished and sent in the dossier in the first place? Would we have a referral in time? What if I had sent it in as soon as we had Mattix home? Would we have had a referral in time? What if we had done all of that and we did indeed receive a referral? How would we feel? Too many what if’s, so I can’t go there.

I’ve been working through my feelings for a while, as I felt like a lot of this was coming (the shutdown, not the report), so I’m nearly at the place where I’m okay that our second child will not be born in Vietnam. But I’m still so sad for all of the reasons I shared above. Everyone involved is in my thoughts.