Mattix progress, first post

Well, I’ve been talking about a post on Mattix’s progress for about a month and a half now. I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten half of the things I’ve been meaning to write about and a million more have occurred since then that are even better! So, I’m giving it a shot. Better late than never. Turns out, in usual Laura fashion, this is going to be long. Therefore, I’m breaking it into two posts because the sleep one is pretty much a post in and of itself. And also, it will be all over the place, because for some reason, I have trouble getting some of this stuff out in a coherent manner.

So, here’s where Mattix sleeps:

 

In case you can’t tell, that’s the floor. The wood floor. In his room. There’s an area rug under the very fashionable leopard print blanket. But it’s hard. Very, very hard. Like, I laid down there with him for an hour one night and my hips weren’t right for two days, hard.  The blue things are soft body pillows. Stupid Cos*tco was out of the tan, out of the brown, and out of the moss green, so give me a break on the baby blue. Mattix has never slept as well as he sleeps now. So, as far as I’m concerned, the kid can sleep there until he’s 18 if that’s what works for him. His beautiful crib (seriously, I love his furniture) makes a lovely home for his stuffed animals and clean clothes before I get around to putting them away.

If you’ve followed our blog from the beginning, which I started just after we came home from VN, you’ll know that I pretty much whined incessantly about being tired. So, so tired. I’ll try not to rehash it all again, as I’m sure everyone is over hearing about it. It just wasn’t easy for any of us. It’s not easy on a marriage when both people are so tired that they are wound up like a rubber band, ready to snap at any moment. I mean, I spent many mornings in the bathroom, on my hands and knees, dry heaving because my body couldn’t take it any more. I reserved every ounce of patience for Mattix, which, actually, was much easier than I expected. I truly didn’t even have to put effort into that. However, the end result is that I had none for Ed, the dogs, even myself. I was too tired.

Mattix woke up all night every night and did not take any naps whatsoever.  It was great when he slept for half an hour at a time during the night. Ed and I got up every single time, stayed up the entire time each time, and powered through it. I’m writing this from my perspective, but I want to note that Ed did just as much as I did. I had a some not-so-shining moments (never in front of Mattix). A few stick out for me. Like the one at 3:00 a.m. I’d just finished a two hour glide-a-thon (sitting with him in the glider), finally got him back to sleep, put him in his crib, where he was sleeping when I left his room, and barely got back into my bed when I heard the howl over the baby monitor. I literally threw the bed spread across the room and yelled “Fuuuu*****kkkkkk” and started to cry. Then I went back to Mattix’s room, picked him up again, and started over.

This isn’t about me. Honestly. It’s about Mattix. So trying to get back on topic. Mattix sleeps on the floor now and he sleeps so much better than he ever did. I think that if perhaps we had put him on the floor in the beginning, he would have done better. Not nearly as well as he is doing now because the place he was sleeping was only half of the problem, but better than he did back then. HOWEVER, even if I could go back and put him on the floor right away, I would NOT do it. Here’s why…

I *believe* that Mattix had such extreme issues for a few reasons. One, becuase he was institutionalized for ten months and it wasn’t easy for him. We noticed that on the occasions when he was actually sleeping well, he was very “mobile.” He would schooch and roll like crazy all over the place. Well, a crib isn’t very big, right? There’s only so much space to schooch and roll. As soon as he’d run into the side, he’d start the whole waking up process. I’m certain he did the same thing in the orphanage. He still schooches and rolls, which  is why the floor is wonderful because there’s a ton of room to schooch and roll. Also, in the orphanage, he slept in a crib that had a very hard “mattress” (not even sure it was a mattress to be honest). So he was used to hard surfaces. Hence, the reason that he’s very comfortable on the floor.

The other obvious reason for the sleeping issues is the fact that our adjustment wasn’t easy. As far as we know and believe very strongly, Mattix had not attached to any of his caretakers. At the age of ten months, he had not formed a slight attachment with anyone. Plus, the new environment was scary for him. He often woke up in the middle of the night, terrified, screaming, crying inconsolably, for an hour or more. He had night terrors in the very beginning. Those stopped quickly, but the inconsolable crying and fear went on for a while.

We tried co-sleeping when we came home, as we had done it the entire time in VN, but it did not work at all. He slept even less than he did in his crib because Mattixwould wake up at the slightest movement, sound, etc.  So he “slept” in his crib, although on most nights, he was in our arms, in our laps, in the glider, more than he was in bed. We also spent hours and hours over this crib, patting his butt and rubbinghis back. We never once left the room until he was back asleep and never once ignored his cries. We never left him in his crib with a bottle. The funny part is that he wasn’t all the difficult to get to sleep at bedtime. It was just that the ”first” sleep didn’t last more than a few hours before the wakeups began, and once those started, it was never easy to get him back to sleep.

So I’m still not to the point. Today, April 10th, is the four month “anniversary” of our G&R. We  became his mom and dad four month ago. And I believe Mattix is attaching to us in a phenomenal way that I never, NEVER, would have expected him to after this short of a period of time, based on where we were when we came home three and a half months ago. He is not attached to us; I don’t believe he is entirely securely attached in just four months because I don’t believe most children develop a secure, concrete attachment to their adoptive parents in just four months. But he is attaching and to watch it is amazing. Our very close family who has had the opportunity to observe it regularly is equally amazed. I believe that all adoptive parents go through this little “holy crap, I’m in awe” thing that I’m going through now. So I know this isn’t special or unique and quite possibly boring to lots of you. But holy crap, I’m in awe.

And the point of nights in this is that I *believe* that the nights from hell, where Ed and I met every last one of Mattix’s needs incessantly, played a pretty significant role in the progress we’re seeing. Let me explain. Mattix didn’t want anything from us when we met him. Not only did he prefer not to be held, but he wouldn’t allow it. I had some pretty serious anxiety while we were in VN because I had no idea how we were going to make it home on all the airplanes with a child that would not allow you to hold him in your arms or on your lap. The way it worked out was heartbreaking. I cried for the first hour on the Hong Kong to LA flight because what we had to do was so sad.  I’m getting to the point. I promise.

He also didn’t cry real tears. He hit his head so hard one day in the hotel room that it stunned him. I can’t even imagine how badly it hurt. I freaked out. I started across the room, but froze because he literally looked confused for second, got his bearings, stood up, and went back to whatever he was doing. No big deal. He had a huge goose egg for a week. Another time in VN, he fell out of bed. Yeah, yeah, bad mom. He landed on his back and it knocked the wind out of him. Ed snatched him up immediately and Mattix wanted back down immediately.  in fact, in the very beginning, the only time ”cried” was when Ed or I were holding him and wouldn’t put him down and during the night.  Never bothered to let us know that his diaper was wet. Never bothered to tell us he was hungry. Didn’t react to getting hurt. During the day, he wsstrangely happy, although I’ve since talked about how it was clearly a ”fake” happy becuase that happy was NOTHING like the kind of happy he is now. He was also tired a lot, which made him cranky here and there, but he seemed okay.

So, I’m still trying to get to the point. Can you tell I’m having a hard time getting my thoughts together? I’m trying to say that I think that had our nights been easier -say, if he only woke up for bottles a few times a night or comfort here and there – then the attachment process that is shocking the hell out of me might not be happening as quickly as I think it is. Still needs more explanation. The nights forced us to hold him for long periods of time, forced him to actually let us know that he needed something, although I’m sure he didn’t know what he needed, forced a situation wherein we would spend hours and hours holding him down in our laps, rocking him, comforting him, rubbing his back.

Mattix handed over his bottle willingly from the moment we met him. While I’ve heard of other parents struggling withthat – getting their baby to allow the parent to hold the bottle – Mattix was on board with it. He never fought us for the bottle, not at bedtime and not during the night. He always let us hold his bottle. And when we would put him to bed for the first time, he didn’t fight the holding and rocking too much, either. However, like I said, the rest of the night was a fight. So Ed and I fought it out. We stuck it out. We did it over and over and over. In the interest of not getting into it too much, I won’t go on and on about it again, but like I talked about in earlier posts, he kicked the ever living crap out of me, growled at me, yelled at me, hit me and fought like hell. And other nights he cried his heart out, sobbed uncontrollably, screamed, cried, thrashed around. But we just kept doing it. We kept holding him, kept taking to him, kept going into his room and taking him out of his crib over and over. Every night. All night. We kept doing it.

I know. Still missing the point. The point is that because he was a kid that didn’t care to have his needs met and in fact didn’t want many of his needs to be met, had he not experienced hell at night, I’m certain it would have taken much longer to get to the point we’re at now because we wouldn’t have had the opportunity to be there for him in the way that we were each and every night. Okay, I think I got it out.

I don’t believe his inability to sleep has always been entirely indicative of his relationship with us. There are a few other factors at play that I have not discussed and I believe they contributed to his inability to sleep. Things that have nothing to do with bonding or comfort and things that are “cured” ; with time.   And now, the floor has a lot to do with the improvement. I know this for a fact because we recently put him in the crib for a night and he moaned and whimpered a lot during the night and woke up too often. So, obviously, he is more comfortable on the floor. And he still rolls and scooches from one side of his room to the other all night. He just doesn’t wake up entirely because one, it takes longer to get from one side to the other, and two, once he rolls up to a really soft body pillow, he just switches directions and rolls the other way. In the crib, even though we had a crib bumper, it was still a hard surface that didn’t “give.”

So the progress?  Well, as far as sleeping, it’s going beautifully. Here’s what we do: we rock him every night with a bottle. Often, he doesn’t even drink the bottle. He just lays in my (or Ed’s) lap, looks into my eyes, and falls asleep happily. We put him to bed on the floor. He lets us know he wants a bottle sometime between midnight and 2:00 a.m. by sort of whining in his sleep. If we jump up and haul ass, we can get there before he wakes up entirely. This is when he wants his own bottle. If we stay and try to hold it for him, he fully wakes up, gets annoyed, sits up, and then we have to go through the whole hour-plus-in-the-glider routine. I don’t feel like that it is necessary any longer to insist on holding his bottle during the night to foster a good bond and quite frankly, I don’t think it’s good for him to miss out on an hour or two of sleep every night. So, yes, we let him hold his own four ounce bottle in the middle of the night. We’ve been doing it for close to a month.  He likes to lay on his tummy with his bottle in his mouth and he does it in his sleep. Sometimes he just wants to suck on the bottle, even if he’s not getting the formula. We’ve tried pacifiers over and over, but he’s not having them. He wants the bottle.  And then he’s good until 5:00 or 6:00 a.m. Momma don’t like the mornin’. At all. I am NOT a morning person. I am miserable in the mornings and I often feel like crap. Getting up at 5:00 or 6:00 is not good for me (I’m being funny, but I’m also being serious. The things I shared in my PW protected post last week relate to this). And you know what? Mattix isn’t happy that early, either. If we allow him to completely wake up or if I go in and get him when he starts to whimper, he often cries for a while, is cranky, and takes a some time to get into his usually happy mood. We’ve found that, as soon as he starts stirring,  If we take him another small bottle, he stays asleep. I go back to sleep.  And then he wakes up happy around 6:30 or 7:00.

Of course there are exceptions, but I’d say about five nights a week, this is our routine. When he wakes up, I lay in bed and listen to him babble for a bit. Then he crawls over to the edge of his ”bed”  and retrieves a toy or two. I keep a few toys in his room for him to play with when he wakes up. So he plays, sometimes for five minutes and sometimes for twenty. Every few days, he opens up a drawer or two and empties it for me, babbling in his sweet little voice all the while. And when he is done, he yells, “momomomom” or “mama (pause) mama (pause) mama” and I go get him. Then he looks at me, smiles, and says, “dog,” frantically searching for Gidget, because she goes into his room with me every morning. Then he makes me put him down again so he can give Gidget some good morning love. I love it. its’ pretty predictable and it’s a great way to wake up.

A few nights each week are still rough. He wakes up more frequently and needs us. He sometimes wakes up sickeningly early, like Tuesday morning, when he wanted out of bed at 4:00 a.m., was exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. I’m going to write about that in the next post because it relates to the progress I’m seeing and am loving. But anyway, a few nights a week, he’s up more than just twice, but hey, twice on most nights is awesome and four or so times a few night a week ain’t bad, either. I’m still not sleeping well becuase the damn baby monitor wakes me up all night, coupled with sleeping issues that I’ve always had. But Mattix is sleeping better and that’s what matters.

I’m finding that I must be a the-glass-is-half-empty girl for things in the future, and a the-glass-is-half-full girl for things in the past. Meaning, I consider myself realistic when looking to the future (although Ed calls me semi-pessimistic), but very optimistic when looking at the past. Here, I look at what we went through at night and think it was great that we had to deal with that. At the time, I just wanted to sleep. But I I think that what we went through as a family allowed us to get to the point we’re at now in what I think is a relatively short period of time. The next post will have more details about his “daytime” progress. It’s just that this one is so long and all over the place and I have to stop. Mostly, this is for me because I don’t want to forget this. But if you made it to the end, thanks for humoring me!