A visit to assisted care…and other random photos

Today, my mom, Mattix, and I visited my grandma in her new home – an assisted living facility. She moved there while we were in DC. Unfortunately, I haven’t been to see her since we got back because either Mattix or I have had some sort of virus (mostly me) almost consistently since we came home. However, we’ve both been well for over a week now (yes!) so we went today. This is my dad’s mom and she’s 90 years old. She has Alzheimer’s, but she retains some of her long term memory. It seems to come and go. I expected to feel down and sad, but I was quite pleased to feel the opposite when we left. Even though she got a little teary eyed when we were ready to go and told us how lucky she was to have such a beautiful family, I know that she’s happy there so I felt happy, too.

The facility is SO nice. We arrived during “song” time – they had an entertainer in the recreation room singing all sorts of happy songs. The residents sing along and clap and move around in their seats. It’s actually quite sweet. Mattix liked the music a lot, but he was also quite popular amongst the older residents. Given his new stranger aversion, it got a little overwhelming for him, so we stayed for just under an hour. However, he did so well and I was so happy because the older people seemed to really love babies. One woman said the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. She asked if she could see him, meaning just say hi and touch his leg. She was probably 75 years old and was delighted when my mom walked him over near her seat. Then she said in the most honest, sincere tone, “Oh, he makes me want to have another one.”

Is that not the cutest thing you’ve ever heard? She meant it! The facility is a “memory care” center for people with varying degrees of memory loss. It is such a nice place. I know I said that, but it really is. They live in “pods” – each pod has six rooms, a common room, a kitchen, etc. and each resident has a room. Each pod has a health care worker assigned to it. They have a huge park like area in the center of all the pods, and a really nice community center. It’s gated in and all of the doors are opened and closed with access codes, so it is very secure (we’ve all heard about elderly people with memory problems who wander off and get lost, so this prevents that.) 

Anyway, given the way I’ve been feeling since Friday, which has been pretty darn crappy, it was nice to have such a good feeling today.  My grandma is genuinely happy there and even has a “best friend,” who I was introduced to no less than ten times. With her disease, she goes “in and out,” meaning she’ll remember something one minute, then forget the next. She asked me Mattix’s name at least seven or eight times. I think it’s sweet and we just go along with it as though it was the first time she asked. Her long term memory is much better and once she has her bearings, she remembers all of us who have been in her life for a long time. However, because Mattix is “new,” she forgets five minutes after she has asked about him. It was actually adorable because every time she would say, “Now who is this little guy?” and I would tell her it was my son that we just brought home from Vietnam, she would get tickled and super excited. And then she would lean over to her best friend who was sitting next to her and share the news with her. I believe her friend has similar short term memory issues because each time she hear the news, she would get very excited as well, then introduce herself to us as my grandma’s best friend.

Here is a photo of my mom, my Grandma, and Mattix. Mattix was enthralled with the man singing all of the songs, as many of them were children-type songs. The man who was singing was actually incredibly talented, both with his voice and his guitar. I have to say that I had fun! Mattix danced a lot, which really made a lot of the residents smile.

My aunt keeps a book in my grandma’s room where everyone who visits her leaves a note with the date of the visit, who came, and what they did. Because her short term memory is so poor, she’s able to read the book to “remember” who came to visit her. It’s quite nice and it makes her happy. My aunt also has a framed list of morning “instructions” so that my grandma remembers to put on her “eyebrows,” her makeup, and “fluff” her hair. She’s always been meticulous about her appearance and she was always concerned about that as she aged. Now, she is reminded every morning what she needs to do. It’s priceless.

It really amazes me how as people become quite elderly, they are so similar to children again. Sitting in the activity room today, I realized it would be nearly the same if Mattix and I were to attend a child’s music class. And then there’s all the help and the instructions. Interesting how life works.

Following are some totally unrelated photos. I realized it’s been a week since I posted any new ones! Most of these are from our time in St. Louis, but they’re cute.

 

{khai and mattix, doing it vietnamese scooter style! they must have paid attention while we were in Vietnam because they certainly know how it’s done.}

{here is mattix, showing off the adorable giraffe onesie we purchased from carissa’s etsy store}

 

{i love the look on his face here}

{i like this photo because you can really see how well his hair is beginning to grow in. he had so little hair when we first met him. it’s still on the sparse side, but it’s getting there!}

And finally, totally unimportant, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t proud of myself. Remember how I said I spent Saturday on a project? Well, my project was re-covering our dining room chairs! I’ve never done anything even remotely handy or crafty like this, so I was really proud of myself. My neighbor bought the same dining room set that Ed and I have recently because she liked it a lot. However, the chairs were freaking white! While that was all well and good when Ed and I bought the set a few years ago, little dirty hands and white do not mix well. Soooo, she and I picked out different fabric and recovered our chairs!

{before}

{after}

It’s difficult to see the true color in these photos, but the chairs are now covered in a mossy-green suede material. As luck would have it, I was able to match the color almost *exactly* to the color of our living room furniture, even though I forgot to bring a color sample. You wouldn’t even know they weren’t made to go with together. If you can’t tell, I’m extremelypleased with myself. I have NO crafty type talent or abilities. so I think I’m pretty cool right about now.   I can clean and organize like nobody’s business, but when it comes to handiwork or anything crafty, I’m embarrassingly inept. I had to use the scary electric staple gun, which caused me to jump three feet every time it went off, which was at least 20 times per chair (six chairs total). I think I needed some anti-anxiety medication by the time we finished. I’m also anal retentive and meticulous about things looking just so, but I was able to do this in an afternoon. See? I told you I’m feeling pretty impressed with myself.

That’s it for now. Like I said, I’ve had a really hard time since Friday. My mood has been affected drastically, which isn’t good because I can’t change anything, I can only accept and deal with the situation as it is. So, I’m working on that. Hopefully I’ll have something more interesting to say soon, but until then, I’ll have lots of Mattix pics!

 

Heartbreak, disappointment, sadness, confusion

This is a lot for me to process, as it is for so many families, and I’m so sorry for everyone affected. I am so sorry because all of us in the VN adoption community are affected - those waiting for their children who are uncertain whether they’ll have referrals in time and those who are pretty certain that they will not,  and those whose children are home with their families. Yes, those of with who are fortunate enough to have our children home are still profoundly affected.

Even more, my heart breaks for every last family and child affected in Vietnam – the families that our embassy refers to in the report who were tricked into making their babies “available” for adoption, who were forced to make their babies “available” for adoption, and those who were made to feel that they had no other options.

The report probably isn’t news. I mean, we’ve all heard things. The killer was reading it all, in one place, prepared by our government. It’s an official government report on a government website and that is that. This report painted the situation in VN with such a sweeping, broad brush that I think it makes many of us suddenly question things a LOT more than we did in the past. Many of us who, for various reasons (good agency choice, circumstances surrounding child’s relinquishment/abandonment, etc.), weren’t too consumed with concern are suddenly starting to feel less secure. After all, this report leaves me with the feeling that corruption permeates the VNese adoption program. It makes me wonder if it’s so pervasive that even the most ethical, conscientious agencies may not know all that goes on behind the scenes.  That no matter how hard an agency’s in country staff works to ensure nothing but the highest standards of ethics are adhered to, that they too may be left in the dark.

The report reiterated a statistic that we’ve been given over and over - that the number of abandonments (or desertions – the term the report uses) has increased significantly since Vietnam reopened for adoption. According to the report, 80% of adoptions were relinquishments and 20% were abandonments BEFORE the shutdown. Those numbers have basically flip flopped for adoptions since VN reopened (in the past two and a half years). HOWEVER, the report goes on to state, “Orphanages not involved in intercountry adoption (emphasis added)…have reported to the Embassy that they have not seen any increase in the number of deserted children…[and that there have been] multiple, credible reports from orphanage officials that facilitators are deliberately staging fraudulent desertions to conceal the identity of the birth parents.” So, yeah, it seems that the Embassy is confirming what most of the community has known: paperwork has been altered to make many relinquishments appear to be abandonments.

I’ve been fairly certain that Mattix’s adoption was ethical. I still am fairly certain, but I’d be idiot not have questions, a knot in my stomach. We’ve always felt fortunate that Mattix was relinquished, both because we hope that it will give him access to HIS history and because we felt like it eliminated a lot of the uncertainty that comes with international adoption. Until pretty recently, we were under the impression that relinquishments are more likely to be “clean” because it is far easier to falsify paperwork and turn the adoption into an abandonment than to go through the long process with a relinquishment. Don’t get me wrong. We weren’t riding around on our high horses, all smug, thinking that we had absolutely, positively nothing to worry about and that we were oh so lucky that Mattix wasn’t abandoned. I’ve never once thought we’re “better off” than other families. I don’t want to come across that way. We just felt very fortunate. We felt pretty confident that given the circumstances surrounding Mattix’srelinquishment, the information that we have, things were on the up and up and that we personally wouldn’t have to address those possibilities as a family.

We’re still fairly certain that is the case, but now, this new report casts a shadow of doubt on all adoptions from Vietnam.  I didn’t give much thought to the following information I’m going to copy and paste directly from the report so as not to distort it in any way. It’s not that I didn’t care or that I didn’t want to think about it. I just didn’t know.

75% of birth parents who were interviewed by a consular officer stated that in addition to payments for food, medical care and administrative expenses, they received payment from the orphanage in exchange for placing their child in the orphanage. On average this payment was six million Vietnamese Dong, which is the equivalent of 11 months salary at minimum wage in Vietnam. Many of these families cited these payments as the primary reason for placing their child in an orphanage. The majority of these parents also state that they had not considered placing their child in an orphanage until a health care worker or orphanage official suggested to them that they should do so and informed them that they would receive a payment for doing so. Many of these parents also report that orphanage officials told them that the child will visit home frequently, will return home after they reach a certain age (often 11 or 12), or will send remittance payments from the United States. In these cases, the majority of birth parents have said they do not consent to the adoption if any of these conditions are not kept.

Well, hell. 75% is a high, huge, out of control percentage for sure. However, what our government fails to tell us is HOW MANY birth parents they actually interviewed. Did they interview five, ten, fifteen, one hundred? Furthermore, it would be helpful  to know where these birth parents resided.  Were they all interviewed in the same province, perhaps one known for corruption? Or were parents from all parts of Vietnam who had relinquished their children interviewed?

I can only imagine that parents whose children were abandoned aren’t feeling too great right now, either. The report notes that in 17 provinces where children are “made available” (I hate that term, but I can’t think clearly enough to come up with something better) for international adoption, the number of abandonments increased 17 fold while in other orphanages where the children are not available for international adoption, there was no increase. Again, what provinces? The ones we’ve all been told are corrupt or others? If others, which ones? The report simply says, “Throughout Vietnam, officials at orphanages connected with intercountry adoptions report a sharp increase in the number of deserted children has since 2005, the year that the adoption agreement with the United States was signed.” Throughout Vietnam? Where? All over? Everywhere? A few places? And 17? Which 17?

If you look at the big picture, the details and percentages don’t matter because corrupt is corrupt and wrong is wrong. We cannot support an adoption program that is clearly flawed and separates children from their families wrongfully, that fails to make a credible effort to find families domestically before resorting to finding families internationally for the children. This is the big picture and this I believe very strongly. I feel a need to do something. I don’t know what. I have no idea where to start. But I feel a sense of motivation that, while I felt it before, has suddenly become overwhelming.

On the smaller, more selfish scale, as a parent to a child that I love more than anything in the world, I feel upset that the report was so broad, so sweeping, yet so unspecific. I would do anything for my baby. I may not be mother of the year, but I love that little man more than anything in the world. I don’t want to have to look at my child and wonder whether the circumstances we’ve been told surround his relinquishment are true. I don’t want to have to wonder if I’m being honest when he asks me about his his story and I give it to him as we were told. Maybe I wouldn’t have to if we had details, if this report were not so broad. A number of people have left comments on VVAI stating that they want names and specifics. Me too. I want names and specifics, too.

Ed and I  have never intended to lie to Mattix, and by lie, I mean create a nice story about his beginnings to fill in the holes. I think in this day and age, with the information available to us, we all know that one of the biggest mistakes adoptive parents can make is to BS their kids because kids grow up. One day, kids no longer believe everything their parents tell them.  We were and still are always going to be honest with Mattix. We will give him age appropriate information, answer his questions, tell him what we know. When he asks things that we don’t know, we will be truthful. We will tell him we don’t know. But holy crap, did I think we might have to wonder whether his first mom was coerced into relinquishing him? Did I think we might have to wonder whether anyone paid her to relinquish him? Did I think we would have to answer those questions after he discovers Go*ogle one day? No, I just wasn’t prepared for that. I know a lot of parents have had to prepare for that, so I’m not being insensitive, I just never thought I’d have to sit here and wonder how we’re going to handle it.

A while back, I wrote a post about finding Mattix’s first mother. You can read that HERE if you’re interested. When I wrote that, I never once considered the possibility, no matter how remote, that if we decided to locate her, we could be told that she was coerced or paid. Never. Never. Never. Does that make me stupid? Quite possibly. I like to think that I’m no longer naive to international adoption, the way that I was well over two years ago when we began the process, but perhaps I’m not as informed as I thought.  It has happened in other countries. Why not Vietnam? Nonetheless, I never considered it. Ed and I have still been heavily discussing whether to locate Mattix’s first mom since I wrote that post. I was given a lot of really good advice from other APs, much of which was privately emailed to me (and that I sincerely appreciate, even if I haven’t returned your emails yet), and we’ve had a lot to talk about.  That discussion just became a lot more complicated. I’ll probably write more about that when I can think more clearly.

I like to believe that the thoughts that are swirling in my head - the ones that pertain to our family specifically -  are non-issues. That because we used a good agency whose ethics I still sincerely trust, we can rest assured that Mattix was a true orphan. That because the province took nine months to finish his paperwork, it clearly wasn’t in the baby selling business – if it was, wouldn’t it have been much faster (it is known for slow paperwork in general)? That because Mattix’s orphanage didn’t (and still doesn’t) refer lots of babies to the two U.S. agencies with which it works, there’s nothing questionable going on there.

However, because of this report, I just don’t know. I can’t bury my head in the sand and say with 100% certainty that there is nothing about which to be even slightly concerned. And more importantly, this IS happening. Whether it happened in our case or not, it is happening. And it is wrong. That should upset all of us. Every last one of us. I know there are countless APs and PAPs feeling like I do right now. Upset, sad, heartbroken, confused, disappointed, overwhelmed, tired, nauseous.

This report, on the Embassy’s website, is there. It’s there. We can’t ignore it. We can’t pretend it’s not there. This has become a part of every last child’s history who came to their family in the United States from Vietnam since early 2006. Whether some might think it could have been overstated to justify the actions that have been taken since October is not the point right now. (On a side note, I can’t decide how I feel about that. I fully realize that there are two sides to everything and while I absolutely do NOT question the report’s finding, I do want to know how broad they are. I don’t just assume that because this report was written in such a way to make the reader feel like corruption is the rule, rather than the exception, that every adoption from VN was corrupt. I’ll probably be able to write more about that when I can think more clearly. Right now I’m just overwhelmed. I’ve read it start to finish at least 20 separate times and I’m overwhelmed.)

I feel the need to do something, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve had trouble functioning normally this weekend. I hope I can figure out what to do soon. I tried to distract myself on Friday by going to a movie with a friend. It was a waste of $10 and 700 calories worth of buttered popcorn. I tried to distract myself with a project yesterday – one that turned out quite well, by the way - but it was a long day and my poor friend had to listen to an earful of my sadness and confusion. Today, I haven’t tried to distract myself at all. I’ve been doing a lot of sitting and staring at the wall. It’s time to start processing, I guess.

I hope that you don’t judge me too harshly for sharing my feelings. These are just my feelings, and they are my current feelings. I’m certain some will change. I hope I’ll have more clarity in the future. I’d like to offer my deepest sympathies to my blogging friends whose hopes of adopting from Vietnam have been all but dashed, to my friends who are waiting for referrals and are fairly sure – but still somewhat uncertain – that those will come before the September 1st cutoff, to my friends who are waiting to bring their babies home but now have all of this weighing on their minds while they wait, and to my friends who, like me, have a child home and are filled with uncertainty and questions. And I am more sorry than words can express to the families in Vietnam whose children were separated from them even though that wasn’t what they intended or would have done but for the international adoption program. And of course the children. I can’t even begin to talk about that. There aren’t words to convey those feelings.

And finally, I will share our own little personal disappointment regarding the closing of the Vietnam program.

While we were waiting for Mattix to come home, Ed and I knew we would want to adopt from Vietnam again. I began researching agencies about four or five months into our wait for travel. I knew that we wouldn’t be able to use the agency that was used (were using at that time) for Mattix’s adoption because, in my opinion, their wait list was prohibitively long. So, I spent a LOT of time researching. We ultimately chose an agency, signed a contract and planned to start our dossier. (That agency would allow us to submit a dossier at that time because the wait times would guarantee six months between placements.) As things first began to go “wrong” while we waited for our travel dates (meaning the wait was extended), I was too down to even think about it. So, I put it aside. Then the original blowup in late September and the subsequent immigration changes in late October made me put it aside indefinitely, as, for the first time, I suddenly felt uneasy about adopting from VN for a second time. 

However, when we traveled to Vietnam and experienced Mattix’s birth country, Ed and I had feelings we never knew we were capable of experiencing. Ed and I literally fell in love with the country and of course, our son. When we saw some of the things that we saw, we once again felt that there truly was a need for an international adoption program, even if some agencies were acting unethically. We felt like there were certainly children that were in need of homes and we began discussing what specials needs we were capable of handling. We had chosen what we believed (and still believe today) is an entirely ethical agency. So, as soon as we were home with Mattix, we started our dossier for a second adoption. It didn’t take me long to finish it at all (seriously, maybe a week or two), but I had an icky feeling, so I held onto it. Shortly thereafter, we started hearing the warnings, so I continued to hold it. I’ve been holding it since late January and I no longer have to wait for that “okay” feeling to send it in. Obviously, that feeling will never come. It’s going to the paper shredder.

There are a lot of “what if’s.” What if I had just finished and sent in the dossier in the first place? Would we have a referral in time? What if I had sent it in as soon as we had Mattix home? Would we have had a referral in time? What if we had done all of that and we did indeed receive a referral? How would we feel? Too many what if’s, so I can’t go there.

I’ve been working through my feelings for a while, as I felt like a lot of this was coming (the shutdown, not the report), so I’m nearly at the place where I’m okay that our second child will not be born in Vietnam. But I’m still so sad for all of the reasons I shared above. Everyone involved is in my thoughts.

Cutoff dates for VN adoptions

Well, we have official dates, posted on the US Embassy’s website, for the the cutoffs for VN adoptions. I’m sure everyone has seen this, but you can click here for the link.  The Embassy reports that according to the Government of Vietnam, dossiers will not be accepted after July 1st and referrals will not be made after September 1st.  So, according to the notice, dossiers that have not been referred a child by September 1st will be returned to the adoption agencies. 

This is very disappointing news for so many families (including ours). However, if you read this summary, which is by far the most comprehensive summary I’ve seen, it puts things in perspective. Not easy to read about everything all in one place that we hear bits and pieces of here and there.

Also, I just checked VVAI, as I’m sure everyone else has done as well. However, if you haven’t, read this post for more information.

I’m very sad right now, both because I am heartbroken for my family and for so many others, many of whom I’ve gotten to know and care about through blogging, and especially for the children and families in Vietnam who have been negatively affected by the international adoption program. I have a lot more to say, but I’ll do it later.

An awesome day in the STL!

Well, we made it from Arizona to Kansas CIty on Monday night, spent the night and then Tuesday there, and flew from KC to St. Louis on Tuesday night. Although Mattix is a bit older and therefore more “active” than he was on our flights to/from DC, he still did quite well. He is going through a bit of a “fit” phase, where in the yells/cries for about two minutes when you either interrupt him while he’s having fun or you don’t allow him to do whatever it is that he wants. There were a few mini fits, but nothing we couldn’t handle. We’re just ignoring them and if this is anything like Mattix’s other phases, he should stop pretty soon on his own. Also, when Mattix gets really excited, he gets pretty giggly and hyperactive. For some reason, getting on a plane gets him all excited. He’s way into it. We belted him into the seat each time and he was pretty darn good. Hopefully he’ll do the same on the three hour flight home tomorrow.

For the first time ever, EVER, Mattix peed through his clothes on me! Seriously. For as many diaper blow outs this kid has had, I’ve never been on the receiving end of a poo or pee leak through. Well, never one to pass up a “first” opportunity, Mattix took the bull by the horns and peed all over my white cotton shirt. So, yeah, I was wearing a shirt that was literally pasted to my stomach with urine. I had changed him just before we got on the plane and the flight from KC to STL was thirty five MINUTES. Yes, thirty five minutes. This kid has spent more hours on a plane in the past four months than I can count, and he managed to pee through a diaper onto me in less than an hour. We were walking off the plane when my stomach started to feel nice and warm. I knew what it was. Can I just tell you that I have ALWAYS packed an emergency shirt for myself, just in case of a pee- or poo-through. Well, it has been a waste of carry-on space b/c I’ve never needed it, so for the first time, I didn’t pack an emergency shirt in my carry-on. Go figure. The only consolation for me was that while I had to wear a urine soaked shirt, my son had to wear this:

So, he may have peed all over me, but at least I didn’t look like a girl! This was his “emergency outfit” that has been packed in his diaper bag since January. He hasn’t needed it in months. Looks like he’s grown a bit, huh?! His little stretchy pants now fit like capris and he looked insanely silly! So, yeah, we were quite the pair, me soaked in urine and Mattix rockin’ the capri pants. He pulls the look off, well, though.

Anyway, enough blabbering because we had the most awesome day EVER. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time. The last time we saw Karen, Andrew, and Khai was our last day in VN, when I’m pretty sure each of was either close to or in the middle of meltdowns for various reasons. Karen and I started talking well before we traveled. We cried whined bitched incessantly yelled freaked out talked to each other all the time before we finally got to travel to our babies. We came up with all sorts of alternative plans because we were amongst the first caught up in the new I600 changes and not having control over a situation is not either of our strong area. When nobody (non adopting family/friends) was totally clear on my decision to drink Grey Goose at 10:00 a.m. on a weekday after receiving horrible news yet again, Karen just told me to drink and cry away. We both freaked out when we had three days travel notice. Karen said quite possibly the funniest thing ever when we met in the airport. I’ll write about that later because Karen always says funny things that I’ll remember forever. Her mouth is cleaner than mine, but that girl has a sense of humor that I can appreciate. We traveled down to KG together. We shared what little makeup I brought and hair stuff because ALL of Andrew and Karen’s luggage was lost until our third day. We were all there when we made various first time parenting mistakes that, while seemingly horrifying at the time, we can laugh about now. (Note for future travelers if you’d like to learn from one of mine: If you treat the baby’s whole body thoroughly with Elimite and only spot treat the face, the directions on the package are not BS. It’s true that the colony of scabies will indeed relocate to your child’s face. No, the pesticides in the Elimite will not kill your child if you use it on his face. And no, it’s not easy to cover your child’s face with Elimite, but yes, it’s necessary. And thank God for small miracles, because just about everyone, including Mattix’s doctor, thought that he would probably have permanent scarring from the damage.)

First of all, Khai looks amazing. He’s gotten so big and even more handsome. He’s super funny – he still laughs at me like he did in VN – and he’s a smart little one. Being four months older than Mattix, he tried to teach Mattix a few things. First, he wanted to show Mattix how NOT to mess up his awesome train set. Khai is way beyond his age in this area and fully plays with his trains on the tracks without messing anything up. Mattix enjoys pushing the tracks around and pulling pieces off. Khai tried to help him out, but I’m not too sure he was successful. Khai was quite patient and nice despite the temporary destruction. Second, Khai tried to help Mattix jump to the next stage of development, which involves hurling toys. Khai is going to play baseball and he’s going to be a pitcher. I just want that in writing so that when he plays for the MLB in 20 years and makes 10 million dollars a year, I can say, “I knew it! I called it!” and then collect my fee. Seriously, the kid has skills. He can also dunk a mean basketball, but my money’s on the baseball.

Karen and Khai picked Mattix and I up this morning from our hotel and we ate the most awesome crepes at a great local place. Karen rocks – they have gluten free crepes and I was in heaven! Then we went to the St. Louis zoo, which was way too much fun. It was a nice day and the zoo is great. The boys were so cute together. They were all sorts of sweet and interactive. Khai was very into the “KG Greeting” (headbutt) and Mattix was into the overwhelmed stare down while we were in VN, but today they gave each other sweet little pats and touches. While we were in line to ride the train, Mattix decided to drop one of his famous stink poos. I was NOT getting out of line, so all I’m sayin’ is that I wouldn’t have wanted to be any of the families sitting downwind of us. After a while, Karen said, “I don’t even smell it anymore.” That’s a mommy survival skill. You smell it long enough and you no longer notice it!

{mattix and khai, having a little snack break at the zoo}

(the boys were SO cute. they touched each other a lot, gave little pats, and lots of loves. here, they kept touching hands and putting their little fingers together.}

After the zoo, we went back to Karen’s house and the boys played. It was adorable and sweet. Mattix was a little more timid than I had expected, but he got comfortable pretty quickly and had fun. I guess it’s time for me to find Mattix some friends. I told Karen my kid doesn’t have any friends. We sort of did the cocooning thing when we came home b/c of our rather difficult adjustment, but I’ve been thinking he’s ready for friends in the past few weeks. Turns out he is. Andrew came home from work and we met Ed for dinner when he was finished with his meetings at an AWESOME VNese restaurant. Kathy, this place rivals Little Saigon at home. That good. I ordered four or five different things for myself, shared a bit with Ed, and cleaned house.

We then all went back to Karen and Andrew’s house and Jenna, her big sister Julia, her mom, grandma, and grandpa came over. That was awesome. Matt (Jenna’s dad) and Karen (Jenna’s grandma) traveled in our group to VN. Jenna was such a shy little sweetie in VN. It was so great to see her – she is doing amazingly well. It was also great to meet her mom, Ali. Kathy (Jenna’s grandma) reminds me so much of my mom. The kids all played for quite a while and I LOVED watching them. Such a bunch of cuties.

{mattix and khai, giving each other “love”}

{lots of play time}

{just because he was having so much fun}

{mattix found khai’s monkey (not that monkey, you pervs) and immediately gave him some mattix lovin’}

{khai is clearly the vnese squat master. love it.}

{khai and jenna. sooo cute.}

{kathy managed to get a good shot of all three kiddos together, but until i get a copy from her, this is the best ed could get!}

A while back, Karen and I were discussing Mattix’s apparent decision not to walk. Karen mentioned that she felt like it’s because of his delayed attachment and I’m pretty sure she hit the nail on the head. Mattix has pretty much been capable of walking since we came home from VN, and yet he chooses not to walk. In fact, if you catch him standing up and taking steps and make a big deal about it, he gets annoyed and sits down and crawls. Karen said that when he starts hanging around other kids, he’ll probably show more of an interest. Yeah, Karen must have paid attention while she was earning that Master’s degree b/c Mattix rarely sat down while the kids were all around. He used the furniture a lot, but he didn’t want to crawl much at all. So I guess it’s time to exit the cave and hook Matitx up with some buddies. There’s one more reason we were waiting on the friends thing (I’ll write about it soon), but it’s clearly no longer an issue.

I know I’m going on and on, but I’m writing a lot of this for me so that I remember. I’m so glad that Karen and I have stayed in touch and will continue to forever. We talked a lot about how we want to raise our boys and how we feel about their history and culture. Karen wrote a post the other day that made me so proud to be her friend. (Not that I wasn’t proud before she wrote it, but you know what I mean.) We have very similar views on what we want as far as how our boys feel about themselves as they grow up and the options we hope for them to have in the future. Karen and I read a lot of the same TRA blogs and books and I think we’re very much on the same page. Not that I actually know what the hell I’m doing, but I think I’m doing the best I can as I learn (along with Ed), and it’s so nice to know that other parents are trying to do similar things. It just makes you feel like you can’t be a total idiot if others are trying to parent in similar ways.

I could keep blabbering, but I’m super tired. Mattix is still on Arizona time, so he has been going to bed late and sleeping late. That’s my boy! If only he’d do that at home (I’m not a morning kinda girl.) He’s doing amazingly well sleeping on the hotel room floor. When we checked in, we apparently had reserved a room with a California King. We were like, “Um, do you have two queen beds?” They switched us over probably thinking we were strange for each wanting our own bed, but little did they know that we disassemble the bedding from one of the beds and reassemble it on the floor. Is there anything cuter than this?

{passed out. he sleeps with his little booty in the air for most of the night.}

{mattix is sporting the pj’s sent to us from the adorable ms. lucy, who, much to her parents’ pleasure, no longer qualifies as a “sleep thief.” although mattix is “nearly reformed,” he has earned the right to wear these bad boys until they don’t’ fit! i feel like melissa has begun a tradition that i must keep up. these jammies will be passed onto the next family that endures sleep issues from hell. seriously. the following two photos were taken at our house last week, during a photo shoot wherein mattix modeled his new jammies.}

{what???? me??? sleep thief??? noooooooo!!!!}

We leave tomorrow night, but not before Mattix and I get to spend more time with Karen and Khai. The good news is that Ed will be back here frequently for work, and we can come along whenever we’re up for it. We plan to do that because the fun we had just today makes the travel well worth it. And, as it turns out, this previously anal retentive girl who hated to fly, didn’t love to be away from home, stressed out about packing for days on end, and didn’t like her life disrupted too often, is getting pretty good at throwing some shi*t in a suit case and leaving town. Hey, we did the VN thing, we packed up our lives to move to DC for a month after having only been home for six weeks, so a few days away from home is nothin’. Mattix nearly laughed at us when we told him the flight was only three hours long.

I just had to post a few more. he’s been SO overtired at night, but it’s been the good overtired where he’s all happy and giggly, not the bad overtired. here are a few photos of the fun:

The things that people say…

There are two things about me that have been consistent throughout my life. I don’t believe these two things will ever change.

   I’m VERY difficult to offend and I’m RARELY rendered speechless.

Well, today, I was speechless.

Because I’m difficult to offend and because I’m rarely speechless, I’ve handled the occasional comments and questions regarding our family with relative ease. I do absolutely want to note that this is due in large part to the fact that Mattix does not yet have the ability to comprehend what others are saying when they ask or comment about him. I’m not sure how I’ll handle things in the future because each of these incidents I’m about to recount would have upset me greatly if my child were old enough to understand the conversations but not yet old enough to have developed a level of comfort with himself and a recognition that the world is full of douche bags who do knot know (or care) that just because you think something doesn’t mean you can say/ask it. Self censorship, people, self censorship (I know I’m preaching that one to the choir here). If you read to the end, I’d really appreciate advice from BTDTs in this regard.

The first incident occurred after we’d been home for a month or so. I was entering a clothing store not too far from our house. We don’t live in a cave or an itty bitty town, by the way. We live in the fifth largest city in the United States with a population of over six million, so our family isn’t exactly a freak show around here.  Mattix and I had walked into the clothing store and there was a guy, maybe in his late 20’s or early 30’s, standing behind a stroller. I have no idea how old the kid in the stroller was because I wasn’t paying attention. I was just walking into a store to shop. His eyes about popped out of his head when he looked in our stroller, saw Mattix, then looked up and saw me. ‘Cause the craziest thing in the world is a pasty white woman with a baby who has darker skin. Okay, whatever, but then his mouth fell open and he actually turned around and smacked his wife’s arm to get her attention, said “Look at that woman…and look at her baby!” and then POINTED AT US.

Now, my initial instinct was of course to appreciate him noticing what a hot, rockin’ mom I was, looking all fabulous and whatnot. Then I remembered that I’ve never been hot in my life, my clothes were wrinkled, my right shoulder was covered in baby food, I had bags under my eyes the size of quarters from lack of sleep, and I hadn’t washed my hair in four days. So that wasn’t it. The woman proceeded to stare at me. All the while, I was walking towards them because they were in the middle of the isle that leads into the store. They just stood there, in the middle of the isle, staring at us.

So I stopped, looked at them, smiled, and said in a friendly tone, “Do I have food stuck in my teeth or something?” and motioned to my mouth.

A few other customers who were nearby witnessing the whole thing, who had the “I can’t believe that this is hapening” look on their faces, laughed out loud. Then I just said, “Excuse me, do you mind if I squeeze by you? Thanks so much!” And they moved over and I’m pretty sure they were speechless.

Okay, no big deal. If Mattix were old enough to understand me but not old enough to notice the stares and blatant pointing, I would have skipped the whole first part and stuck with the “Excuse me, do you mind if I squeeze by you?” thing. If Mattix were old enough to understand me and old enough to notice the stares and pointing, I’m not sure what I would have done. Maybe ignored it and talked to him about it after we left the store?

I wasn’t offended and I wasn’t speechless.

The next notable incident happened in an airport restaurant on the way home from DC. Ed was on a conference call during our entire breakfast and he was in and out of the restaurant depending on the noise level. Our server noted over and over to me how adorable Mattix was. I know he’s adorable. He’s super cute. He’s freaking beautiful. I’m well aware that I’m fully, disgustingly, unobjective. I think he’s the cutest kid in the world, but that’s a mom’s prerogative. I don’t mind other people noticing, either. ‘Cause after all, he IS that cute. However, when she said it for the 15the time, I knew where this was going.

Finally, she couldn’t take it any more. Following is our conversation.

Woman: ”Is he adopted?”

Me: “Yes, we adopted him.”

Woman: “Oh, that’s wonderful. What a lucky boy.”

Me: “Thank you! Yes, it is wonderful for my husband and I. We are so lucky to be his parents. I never knew I’d be so fortunate and I still don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

Woman: “Oh. Well, I think he’s lucky.”

Me: {wanting her to go away, but still using my nice voice} “Well, we know we’re the lucky ones. He’s an amazing kid.”

Woman: “Hmmm. Well, it’s nice. But don’t you want any kids of your own?”

Me: {oh for the love of pete, make it stop. getting very, very difficult for me to keep up the nice voice. pretty sure i switched over to the fake nice voice} “Oh, yes, he is my own. And I do want to adopt a second child.”

Woman: “No, I mean your OWN kids.”

Me: “Yeah, he is my own.”

Woman: {believing that if she raises her voice and overemphasizes particular words, I will suddenly stop being such an idiot and understand what she means} “NO. I mean, don’t you ever want YOUR. OWN. KIDS?”

Me: “I have my own kid. He’s right here. We adopted him and he’s our own child.”

Woman: “No, that’s not what I mean. I MEAN, don’t you want YOUR. OWN KIDS?”

Me: “I know exactly what you mean and he IS. MY. OWN. KID. Do you mind grabbing our check? Our plane is going to board soon.”

Still not offended or speechless. Irritated? Absolutely. Surprised that she pushed it that far? Hell yes. Once again, all I could think about was how this would make Mattix feel if he could understand what this woman was saying. If he could have, then I WOULD have been offended because I don’t want my child to have to sit through that bull sh*t.

I don’t get all crazy when people mistakenly say “own” when they mean biological. I will fully admit. although not proudly, that I’m pretty sure I said that at some point in my pre-adoption life. I think it kind of just comes out of peoples’ mouths. As soon as I started our adoption process and began educating myself, I realized what a big eff up that one is. It’s wrong and the implication for a child who came to their family through adoption is horrible, particularly if the child has bio siblings. However, I recognize that society often makes that distinction – between biological and adopted – and that sometimes people say “own” when they really mean “biological.” So, if someone says that, I usually say something like, “Oh, he is my own. If you mean do we want biological kids, no, we don’t. We’re having our family through adoption.” I’ve had to say that on a number of occasions and it doesn’t bother me because people always get it right away and I don’t think it’s a rude way to nicely correct someone who doesn’t mean to be offensive. I’m pretty sure that just about every time I’ve said that, the person immediately gets it and corrects herself.  Again, the caveat is that Mattix doesn’t understand yet. I have no idea what I’ll do in the future.

Anyway, this was clearly not one of those situation. I gave her a big ol’ handful of free outs and this woman was so pushy and rude that she was wanted to MAKE me say that Mattix wasn’t my “own;” she wanted to MAKE me answer her question. That irritated me.

I was telling a few friends about this later, saying that I was put out because if Mattix could understand, that would be a horrible thing for him to hear. They agreed, then a friend of mine added a point that I had not considered. If we had adopted after suffering a loss or facing infertility, as many adoptive parents do, what that woman did would have been offensive to me, not just to Mattix. A person can love that their family was built through adoption, love their children more than anything in the world, know that they would never do anything differently, and still be sad to have experienced such a significant loss. Beyond her pushing the issue that irritated me on behalf of my son, she was pushing an issue that could have been painful to *me.* And how could she not have known that? Not nice in so many ways.

The next incident happened in a large department store. A sales woman noticed Mattix’s cute squeaky shoes that we bought in Vietnam.  My mom was pushing the stroller and had wandered off somewhere. I was holding Mattix, but at the time, he was walking while holding my fingers so his shoes were squeaking. Here’s how that one went:

Woman: “His shoes are sooo cute!”

Me: “Thank you!”

Woman: “My nephew would love them. Where did you get them?”

Me: “We bought them while we were in Vietnam.”

Woman: “Wow! So you got his shoes in Vietnam????”

Me: “Yeah, we bought several pairs in different sizes because we thought they were neat.”

Woman: {suddenly seems to have an ah ha moment} “Ohhhhh. Is that where ya got him, too?” {pointing to Mattix}

Me: “No, that’s where we GOT the shoes. We ADOPTED him from Vietnam. {smiling, picking up Mattix, and walking away very quickly before my mouth got the better of me…}

Speechless? No. Offended? Not entirely. Shocked? Um, yeah. I’ve never heard anyone refer to my child as though he were something “ya” just “get” while on vacation in a foreign country.

But tonight, Saturday, April 19, 2008, it finally happened. Not only was I speechless, so was my husband. We’re very similar in this area. Ed is actually speechless less often than I am, but tonight, a woman got us both! It came out of left field and it was so simple. Yet it was so weird and crazy that we both just looked at each other.

We were eating dinner at a restaurant a few miles from our house that recently opened. It was such a nice day today that despite the fact that my allergies are so bad my eyes are bloodshot red and my nose is running like a sieve, I insisted we sit on the patio. Our server was a friendly gal, probably in her early to mid-20’s. She had noticed Mattix a few times and commented on how cute he was. Not in that weird sort of way…the way people do it so that you know where it’s going. No, it was just the normal “he’s so cute, look at his hair, ohmygosh, he’s waving at me, how old is he, he’s a doll” sort of thing. So when, after she brought the check to us and said that she’d take it whenever we were ready, she said, “By the way, is he yours?” all sorts of casual, we were seriously speechless. Because that one came out of left field. It was so weird and awkward that the couple sitting at the table next to us actually got silent. It wasn’t that it was offensive. It was just plain weird, out of the blue, what the hell? Ed and I seriously just looked at each other. At some point, I think I got it together enough to say, “Um, yeah.” Then she just said, “Oh,” and turned around and walked back into the restaurant. Then Ed and I of course made a string of smart ass remarks to each other, but for the first time, in, um, our entire lives together, we were both speechless at the same time.

 Not an easy thing to do, trust me.

We’ve gotten lots of looks and questions, but so far, nothing that required me to restrain myself from physically beating someone’s a$$. I’m sure that will all change as Mattix gets older, so if there’s anyone out there with children who are old enough to comprehend conversations, I’d love your advice (Kathy D!). I don’t want to have to beat someone’s a$$ in front of Mattix. (I’m kidding, by the way, in case you think I might do that.)

The nicest way anyone has asked about Mattix occurred at our favorite neighborhood Mexican restaurant. Mattix and I were eating there with a group of my girlfriends and our server was all over Mattix (in a good way). Mattix totally knew it and turned on the charm. They “talked” each and every time he came by the table. Mattix waved and smiled and broke out his fake laugh, his fake smile, and held up his hand for the server to give him “five” over and over. At some point, the man commented on his personality being so dynamic. He asked me how old he was. Then he said, “Where was he born?” so normally, so positively, that I didn’t even pause when I answered him. He then said, “That’s what I thought, but I also thought he might be Cambodian, so I didn’t want to assume.” (That was a very astute observation – I’ll talk about that in another post eventually.) Anyway, he was the nicest guy, totally over the top, and friendly, so the way he asked was quite possibly the most natural way anyone has ever asked about Mattix. I’m certain that if Mattix was old enough to understand, he would have felt very proud – and not like he was on display or like anyone was making an issue of him – to be asked that question. I wish the whole world was like that. It would be a nice world.

 I really am curious how parents of children who are capable of understanding/observing questions and behaviors handle them. The problem with me is that I’m very protective of Mattix and I’d like to be prepared to handle things appropriately when the time comes. I want him to be so proud of who he is and where he’s from, but I also don’t want him to feel like he’s a walking billboard for international adoption. He’s a normal kid who has a very special and amazing history, but that doesn’t mean he has to be an open book about it with every stranger who wants to know. My problem is that I’m going to be protective of him because I’m his mom. My ability to be incredibly sarcastic with a smile on my face to people who are rude,  my ability to remain incredibly calm when I’m pi$$ed beyond words so as not to miss making my point, and my ability to think even more clearly when my head is about to explode, all cause me to worry a bit about my mouth. I think I’m a really nice person. Truly. I have a huge heart and I’d do anything for my friends and family, and I’m very nice to strangers.  But I’m only nice to people I don’t know until they no longer deserve to be on the receiving end of nice. Then I’m not nice at all. HOWEVER, I want to do everything in my power to be a good example to Mattix and to react in such a way that doesn’t make him uncomfortable or feel like he’s on display. Do you ignore people and talk about it later? I know at some point, I’ll be able to take my cues from Mattix, but that won’t happen as quickly as he will able to understand, and this is one of those things I’d rather not learn from my mistakes.

I hope everyone had a great weekend. Mattix, and Ed I are all headed to Kansas City, MO, on Monday, then to St. Louis, MO on Tuesday to finally see our travel mates and friends Karen and Andrew, and Mattix’s KG buddy, Cobra Khai (and maybe a few other people I’d LOVE to see). We’re very excited about this and can’t even wait for the fun! I’ll post with photos, of course.

 

Mattix and the fake

I’ve mentioned how Mattix did not produce tears when he cried for quite a while. I assume that it was because he was so accustomed to not having his needs met that his body simply shut off its tear mechanism, as tears were just a waste. It was sad, but he did begin producing tears after he had been with us for a while. I’ve also mentioned talked about incessantly his complete and total lack of needs in the beginning…how he never bothered to let us know what he needed/wanted, unless is the need was to be put back down on the floor.

Well, rest easy, folks, ’cause this kid has no problem making his needs, his wants, and his unnecessary desires known very, very clearly! Going back a few months, Mattix began dabbling in the fine are of ”the fake” while we were in DC. I will never forget the first “fake.” It was the fake laugh. I was driving the rental car and my mom was in the front passenger seat. Up until that point, Mattix had become quite used to having my mom in the backseat with him. I felt like a freaking chauffeur any time my mom was in the car with us because she always sat in the back with Mattix, “just in case he needs anything.”  However, in DC, *I* needed a navigator, so she sat in the front. This displeased Mattix greatly, as he was used to being showered with her attention. We were on our way back from an afternoon in Alexandria, VA. Mattix was sitting in the backseat (obviously) in his car seat (obviously) and he was not impressed with my mom’s apparent disinterest in King Mattix. He’s not a huge whiner, but he let out a lame whine, which we ignored. He knows how much my mom  loves his laugh and I’m telling you, this kid is smart. He busted out this ridiculous, over the top, fake laugh. Mattix has the best, genuine belly giggle. It’s infectious. Anytime he laughs, everyone laughs, whether they know him or not. But the fake laugh? Holy crap, it is SO fake. It is like one of those fake laughs in a movie, where one person if clearly patronizing the other. It was so fake and it was hilarious. My mom and I both lost it. And the more we laughed, the more he fake laughed. He would fully break out into this “Ah..hahahahah” thing, complete with exaggerated, fake facial expressions. Up to that point, it was probably one of the funniest things he had done. He kept it up for a full ten minutes. A fake laugh from Mattix, a genuine cracking up from my mom and I, followed by another fake laugh. It made the ride home great!

Well, that was just the beginning of “the fake.” Shortly thereafter, when I got really sick, he developed a fake cough. I had a horrible, nasty, TB-sounding cough that wouldn’t go away. My mom, being a typical mom, would get all worried every time I coughed. Mattix was quick to learn that a cough apparently equaled attention from Grandma. By day two or three of my nasty cough, Mattix had a full on fake cough. I would hack up a lung, then he would fake cough then wait for the attention. And of course he got it every time because we both laughed hysterically.

Well, the fake of all fakes is Mattix’s new fake cry. H developed that one about three weeks ago and ohmygosh, it is sooo funny. He has already pretty much stopped using it with Ed and I because we both just roll our eyes and tell him to cut it out, but my mom? Oh he gives it his best. He’s so good that the fake cry is complete with big, huge fake tears. The problem is that he has trouble keeping up the actual crying noise because it’s not genuine, and he sometimes forgets he’s fake crying. When he pulls it with my mom, she laughs her butt off because it’s funny. Although I also think it’s funny, there are things that Mom cannot laugh at for discipline reasons, but Grandma can. The fake cry becomes seriously problematic for Mattix because, as I’ve said a million times, whenever my mom laughs, Mattix genuinely cracks up. So, he busts out his fake cry, then she laughs at him, then he laughs, but he suddenly remembers that he’s crying, so he fake cries again, causing my mom to laugh…and the cycle continues.

We were at Sweet Tomatoes a few weeks ago and my mom got a small bowl of frozen yogurt. Of course she fully intended to share it with Mattix. In fact, I’m certain she got it solely for Mattix because I’ve never seen her get herself a bowl of frozen yogurt at Sweet Tomatoes in the past. Hmmm. Anyway, she just wasn’t fast enough because Mattix looked at her frozen yogurt and started his fake cry. Then that whole cycle I explained above began. I grabbed my point and shoot camera out of my purse and despite the fact that I missed half of the good shots, I did catch a few funny ones. These are IN ORDER and this was only part of the whole thing…I wish I had it on video.

I think Mimi had him pegged when, way back when, she said he was going to be an actor. If that’s his plan, he’d better learn to stay in character.

More photos to come…

Mattix in photos

I’m still finishing up the second progress post. I’ve been pretty sick for over a week now, so I’m slow with everything (I’m also behind on blog reading, but I’ll catch back up soon.) I’ve actually been consistently sick for the past month, with a day or two break in between each cold, sinus infection, or flu bug. My mom has spent one night a week for the past three weeks with us, which has been wonderful. Up until three weeks ago, Ed and I were the only ones to take care of Mattix during the night. However, with Ed traveling so much during the week (meaning I’m doing many of the nights alone) and me being so incredibly run down from the previous three months of little to no sleep, my white blood cell count is low enough that it has become a concern. A few other things are off, so I’m finally ready to accept a little help. Therefore, my mom has been sleeping over now and then so that I can get a really good night’s sleep here and there.

The problem is that even when Mattix only wakes up between two and four times a night (which is great), I sleep for crap. I must have some subconscious mommy thing going on because I wake up every twenty or thirty minutes all night to listen to the monitor. I also keep the monitor volume way too high because my biggest fear is that I *won’t* hear Mattix during the night. We use a rather loud humidifier in his room, mostly for the white noise (without that, he sleeps terribly), so the noise coming over the baby monitor is loud. And it’s not the nice white noise that the humidifier provides in his room! It’s a combo of white noise with way-too-loud monitor noise! Anyway, the only nights I actually sleep well are the ones where my mom spends the night and keeps the monitor in her room. I sleep well both because it’s quiet in my room and because I know she’ll wake up for him, so my mind must shut off completely. So, one night a week I sleep really, really well! Last night was that night! And I slept in until 10:00 a.m. He had a great night and only woke around 3:30 a.m. for one bottle, then slept until 7:00. My mom got up with him, fed him breakfast, and played with him until 10:00. Oh was it nice. Two Ny*quil and eleven hours of sound sleep.

So, until I finish up the other post, here are a bunch of random photos I’ve been meaning to post for a while. I finally pulled out one of the nicer cameras and I’m going to start using it this week. The quality of the photos below is crap. I’d like to take a photography class one day, but until I do, I can at least use one of the decent cameras. These were all taken with the point and shoot that often goes off thirty seconds after I want it to, or the lighting is off, or something. So, ignore the quality for now and focus on the cute-ness.

{i took this way back when we were in dc, probably late february. this was when he was just beginning to become obsessed wtih climbing in or on things.}

{the next few were taken around the same time. same thing – obsessed with climbing into things.}

{on the same day, mattix also learned the fine art of diaper removal. that one was not such a hit with mom.}

{showing off his new talent}

 

{as soon as we came home from washington, dc, mattix wanted to perfect his new climbing skills. i was in the middle of unloading the dishwasher and had walked over to a cupboard to put away a pot. i literally had my back turned for five seconds. when i turned back around, mattix was fully STANDING on the dishwasher door. apparently, the weight capacity is at least 20 pounds. he was reaching for his formula that was previously on the counter.  as you can see, his little endeavor was a success because it’s on the floor in the following photos. I sorta screeched b/c i didn’t expect to see him standing on the dishwasher lid and all i could think is that he was going to crack his head open on the tile when he fell backwards. once the formula can fell, he sat down, giving me a chance to grab the camera. so, so cute.}

{the very next morning, having conquered the dishwasher, mattix decided to give the refrigerator a try.}

{“what? what are you looking at?”}

{the novelty of climbing into the fridge lasted a few weeks. he’s a quick one. if i didn’t grab what i needed and slam the door shut in two seconds, mattix was on it in no time. i swear, that kid can crawl at the speed of light.}

{standing in the fridge is exhausting. it requires periodic breaks.}

{this one is just b/c i love the look on his face. he was riding on of those old school horse rides (that used to be like ten cents and now cost seventy five) at a toys r us. ed let go for a minute and mattix’s look conveys how unsure he is.}

{here comes a big old series of photos. he was eating in his high chair one afternoon and he was exhausted. he of course wouldn’t nap (this was about three weeks ago), but he passed out mid-lunch. he would half wake up and move around a little, then pass back out. i took these (and more) photos over the course of 45 minutes. he was cracking me up. he finally totally woke up and was completely annoyed.}

{these photos are from my birthday dinner with my family. my mom – the one who wouldn’t allow my brother or i to eat sugar cereal, drink soda, or eat a friggin’ cookie until we were teenagers, is feeding mattix ice cream, once again. go figure. i guess that’s what grandmas do. no wonder he giggles like crazy when he sees her.}

{this was the look my mom got when she told him the ice cream was “all gone.”}

{mattix loves to feed whoever is sitting near him whatever nasty thing he can find. before i started feeding mattix gluten free foods, i usually couldn’t eat whatever he tried to give me. or i just used that as an excuse b/c..gross! well, not only will grandma spoil you with ice cream, she’ll eat whatever you feed her if you laugh and act cute enough. all of us at the table were gagging because i swear, he was feeding her some of the nastiest things i’ve ever seen. half chewed up pieces of chicken, soggy pieces of fruit, regurgitated french fries. you name it, he gave it to her. once he ran out of things on the table, he actually started reaching into the pouch on his bib and began pulling things out! i couldn’t decide if i wanted to laugh until i cried or just vomit! anyway, it was funny, disgusting, and adorable all at once. i didn’t take any photos of that part because i think i was too busy trying not to puke, but here are a few cute ones of the two of them interacting.}

Okay, that’s it for now. I have more, probably an equal number, most of which are even cuter, that I will post tomorrow. This has just gotten out of control! And I will finish his progress post, in addition to a few others I’ve written in my head.

My thoughts on DNA testing

I’m supposed to post Mattix Progress, Second Post (which is nearly finished, by the way) as a follow up to my post on Friday, Mattix Progress, First Post (I’m so, so clever and creative with my titles these days). However, I’ll do that on Tuesday because this issue has been weighing heavily on me.

So if it’s not obvious, I have all sorts of thoughts. All the time. Lots of opinions. I usually share them, but sometimes I keep them to myself. I didn’t blog during the big VN controversial “incidents”  over the past two years, but I followed them all and yes, I had all sorts of opinions about them.

I read VVAI all the time because I respect the women who run it and their goal very much. IMO, VVAI is a very credible source of information. The ladies behind it have established for themselves a position it the Vietnam adoption community that enables them to receive public information very early on and private information from credible sources that others are not given. I know that I myself have relied on Nicki on several occasions as a sounding board. I’ve shared info with her and asked her to keep it confidential, fully knowing that I have nothing about which to worry. Anyway, I don’t have any special information or anything. My point is that there are a lot of people – people who DO have information – that trust the women behind VVAI to disseminate it. So I’ve always trusted VVAI as an information source. Don’t worry – this isn’t one of those …but… statements. Like, I love VVAI, but…

No, what I’m going to say is that while I read VVAI regularly, I don’t comment often because it amazes me how people can take good information and run away to Crazy Town with it. Not always, but sometimes. Not nearly as often as on the Yahoo boards, but still. So I read it and absorb it and think about it, but I don’t often comment there or on the Yahoo boards.  

However, I left a comment the other day regarding this DNA testing policy that we have yet to receive any official information about, thankyouverymuch more stress, courtesy of USCIS. Thus far, it’s not a super controversial topic. I’ve been following the news since the leaked memo was posted on the BO*CH website. I’ve been trying, very hard, to keep my mouth shut and my mind open until USCIS has enough spare time to actually inform the community of this new policy, which is, apparently (based on a post on one of the Yahoo boards by a family who is being affected, in effect.

I’ve stayed off the big Yahoo boards for over a month now. Not because I don’t care, but because sometimes it’s just too much. However, after I left my comment on VVAI, I scanned the boards and found some interesting posts. Before I get into that, following is the comment I left on VVAI’s most recent information about the DNA testing:

I’ve been following the new DNA testing info (and rumors) since the leaked memo first appeared on BO*CH. I actually find it pretty disheartening. I realize that, according to the statistics, this will “only” affect about 15% of all cases. However, I think the effect it could have on those cases is profound. Simply because “most” cases won’t be affected does not mean we should not be concerned.

We are home with our son, but he was legally relinquished in a remote, poor province that was a seven hour drive from Saigon. The investigation that was conducted by the VNese officials into his relinquishment took a very long time, mostly because of limited resources and because his first mom had to be located to receive some sort of counseling and to confirm her decision. I guess this took a while. We waited nine months between referral and travel. We used an entirely legitimate agency and I believe everything was ethical. If the DNA regs had been in place at the time, I cannot even fathom what would have happened. How much longer would he have spent in the orphanage? Would it have even been possible to get his first mom to take a SEVEN hour one-way trip to Saigon? (It’s only 150 miles, but it takes seven hours.) And oh my gosh, I can’t imagine putting her through that. My heart ached when I learned, during the wait, that she had to be contacted months and months after relinquishing him to affirm that decision. To ask her to take a 14 hour round trip from her small province to a major city to undergo DNA testing, quite frankly, blows my mind. It makes me sick to think that we might not have him with us at all if this were in place at the time.

We can all agree that adoptions need to be ethical and legitimate, but I finally vocally question CIS’s latest move. Not just because it would have affected us. We were affected by the 1600 change and I kept my mouth shut. This, however, makes little sense to me. It is my opinion that the agencies that engage in unethical behavior will simply no longer have relinquished children to refer. And the relinquished babies that are referred by ethical agencies will get the short end of the stick, spending, yet again, extra time in the orphanage and possibly not being able to come home at all if the DNA test proves too difficult for the first mom.

So today I skimmed the Yahoo boards and found a post from Ethica. I truly, truly respect Ethica and their work. But I will admit I was disappointed to find a post from the Executive Director stating that this will “only” affect 15% of the cases. Once again, it’s that “only” thing. I’m not trying to split hairs over semantics, nor am I criticizing Ethica or its director. This was just a post referencing this new policy in general.  I realize that 15% is not some gigantic number. But that doesn’t change the facts. It seems that we only tend to get all riled up when it’s a sweeping regulation that affects a whole bunch of PAP and their children, not “just” a few.

Like I stated in my comment, the effect is profound. First, some provinces have relinquishment rates that far exceed 15%. I fully realize that 15% is supposedly the overall number, but it is remiss to ignore the rates on a smaller scale.  I don’t actually know the statistics for Mattix’s province, Kien Giang, but I *believe* that the number of relinquishment referrals that the agency through which we adopted him (Children’s Hope) received and continues to receive from KG is much higher than 15%. I’m going to try to contact them to ask because I am curious.

So beyond that, here’s my issue. Actually, two issues. First, it is my opinion that in the future, should VN remain open to the US or reopen after a closure, the number of abandonments are going to increase and the number of relinquishments are going to decrease. Just my opinion. I’d love to be wrong. Trust me. I’ve read the other opinions of people who are looking at the sunny side of this. I appreciate the optimism, but I don’t buy it. So I think that in the future, we just might be able to say “only”; before stating the number of relinquishments because the number will indeed be negligible.

AND THAT MAKES ME VERY, VERY ANGRY. I am forever grateful that we have Mattix’s first mom’s information. I’ve felt grateful for that since we received his referral. I’m well aware that this might not happen for a future child we adopt, and that breaks my heart. When we first received his referral, I’m not sure that “only”; 15% of referrals were relinquishments. It may have been higher because it was over one year ago. But either way, I was grateful. Grateful that one day, my son might be able to meet his first mom, if both he and she so choose. And to think that 15% of children adopted from Vietnam in the future – who could have that information - most likely will not, breaks my heart.

Oh, but here’s where I get really, really upset. Thus far, I’ve spoken about the future. What about the current cases? What about the ones where the first mom did indeed relinquish? What happens when the first mom cannot or will not travel to either Saigon or Hanoi to have the DNA testing conducted? What then? Mattix was born in a remote, difficult to reach province. Although we understand that it is somewhere between 120 and 150 miles from Saigon, it took somewhere between seven and eight hours to travel there. Long, long ride. I was anxious about it for months before we finally traveled. It turns out that it was an incredible experience, but I didn’t know that while I was having anxiety about it. I don’t know much about Mattix’s first mom, and what I do know I’m not going to share, but given what I saw when we were in Kien Giang, it is a poor place. Very poor. My guess is that it would be quite a burden to ask a woman to take two days – and I’m assuming weekdays, as I’m *guessing* the labs are not open on the weekends – to take a ride to Saigon for a DNA test.

And that’s just the technical aspect of it. Never mind the emotional and societal aspect. As I noted in the comment I left on VVAI, I felt sick when I learned what the VNese side of the investigation into a relinquishment case involves. Not sick in a selfish way. Not worried that his first mom would change her mind. I felt sick that she had made what had to have been an incredibly difficult decision and then had to revisit it months later with strangers who came to her house or place of employment.

I’ve said it over and over, but I was embarrassingly naive going into our adoption. I learned a lot along the way. I’m stating this so that you understand why this new “policy” (quotes because we don’t actually know, officially, if it’s a policy) upsets me so much – why my anger is not a result of selfish desires to “get that baby home, no matter what.”  As Ed and I learned the ins and outs of the process, while we were waiting it out, we had a lot of serious discussions. One of them involved what it means for a first mom to change her mind during the process. See, we had NO idea what the investigation into a relinquishment entailed. I’m speaking of the VNese investigation, as we rec’d our referral in March of 2007, well before USCIS changed the I600 policy. We were caught up in that as well, but not until later. We had NO idea that the first mom was contacted by the VNese authorities, months and months and months after the relinquishment in Mattix’s case, and that she had to affirm her decision, supposedly after receiving some sort of counseling. No idea. When I learned that, apparently that part of the investigation had not been conducted in Mattix’s case. It immediately occurred to me that Mattix’s first mom could change her mind. But I didn’t ask. After I talked to our coordinator and learned all this, I called Ed to explain to him where things were at that time, as we were well past the five month post referral, should-have-traveled-by-now date. Ed’s first thought – and question – was, “Can she change her mind?” I assumed so, but I told him I didn’t ask. He wanted to know. So I emailed our coordinator and was told that yes, indeed, a first mom may change her mind up until the G&R is completed. Our coordinator did say that it was unlikely, but that it was always possible. That made total sense to me. I recalled that early on in our wait, a family had “lost” a referral while they were waiting for travel because the child’s first mom returned to the orphanage for him. So, Ed and I had yet another long talk.  

 We were both emotionally invested in Mattix more than I can convey to you. At that point, we’d been looking at his photos for over five months. We’d watched him grow – through photos – from a little baby into an adorable six month old. We wanted him in our arms so badly. But NOT at any cost. We both agreed that if his first mom changed her mind – if she decided that she could parent him – we would grieve our loss but be happy for him, happy that he could stay with his family. After all, adoption isn’t the first best choice for all kids. We also talked at that time about another case we’d heard of – one where the first mother showed up at the G&R and wanted to raise her child. We talked about how, even if the possibility were so remote it was negligible, that happened, we wouldn’t be angry, wouldn’t be mad. We would be heartbroken, but we would handle our own loss because, again, another woman gave birth to him. Now that he’s my son, you’d have to kill me to take him. Kill me.  (Yes, I’m well aware that there’s nothing anyone could legally do to take him from us at this point. My point is that there is no way in hell anyone could take Mattix from me.)

So Ed and I are not the kind of people who would turn a blind eye to get our son home. But we are the kind of people who would never get over NOT being able to bring our son home because USCIS demanded a DNA test that was, for some reason, impossible for Mattix’s first mom to take, when every bit of information we have indicates his adoption was ethical. Maybe I’m being hypothetical. Well, obviously I’m being hypothetical because Mattix is home and it’s a non-issue.  But maybe I’m being hypothetical about this being a problem. Maybe this will all play out in the most perfect way possible - unlike many things thus far – and USCIS won’t even require a DNA test in the “clean” cases. Maybe only the “unclean” ones will, and in those cases, the bought, stolen, and trafficked babies will be reunited with their first families. It’s possible, I suppose.  I don’t believe USCIS investigated our case, as we were in that first group of nine families to receive I600 approval after the change. I think there were only five or so business days between our receipt of acknowledgment and our approval – or something like that – so it’s highly unlikely our case was investigated. So maybe USCIS wouldn’t have required a DNA test in Mattix’s case. Or maybe they would. We don’t know, as there’s no official policy yet.

Either way, I’m upset for all the kids – even though it’s “only” 15% of them – that are going to either spend extra time in the orphanage because of this new policy or maybe, hopefully not, but maybe, never going to make it home because of this new policy. And I’m upset for the future kids – “only” 15%, who may lose out on their first family’s information because of this new “policy.”  

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And that’s what I have to say about that. This is just my opinion, at the current time. It could change. I do that a lot – change my opinion.  Ask Ed. But I feel pretty strongly about this right now. Hopefully more information and statistics will be forthcoming.

 

Mattix progress, first post

Well, I’ve been talking about a post on Mattix’s progress for about a month and a half now. I’m pretty sure I’ve forgotten half of the things I’ve been meaning to write about and a million more have occurred since then that are even better! So, I’m giving it a shot. Better late than never. Turns out, in usual Laura fashion, this is going to be long. Therefore, I’m breaking it into two posts because the sleep one is pretty much a post in and of itself. And also, it will be all over the place, because for some reason, I have trouble getting some of this stuff out in a coherent manner.

So, here’s where Mattix sleeps:

 

In case you can’t tell, that’s the floor. The wood floor. In his room. There’s an area rug under the very fashionable leopard print blanket. But it’s hard. Very, very hard. Like, I laid down there with him for an hour one night and my hips weren’t right for two days, hard.  The blue things are soft body pillows. Stupid Cos*tco was out of the tan, out of the brown, and out of the moss green, so give me a break on the baby blue. Mattix has never slept as well as he sleeps now. So, as far as I’m concerned, the kid can sleep there until he’s 18 if that’s what works for him. His beautiful crib (seriously, I love his furniture) makes a lovely home for his stuffed animals and clean clothes before I get around to putting them away.

If you’ve followed our blog from the beginning, which I started just after we came home from VN, you’ll know that I pretty much whined incessantly about being tired. So, so tired. I’ll try not to rehash it all again, as I’m sure everyone is over hearing about it. It just wasn’t easy for any of us. It’s not easy on a marriage when both people are so tired that they are wound up like a rubber band, ready to snap at any moment. I mean, I spent many mornings in the bathroom, on my hands and knees, dry heaving because my body couldn’t take it any more. I reserved every ounce of patience for Mattix, which, actually, was much easier than I expected. I truly didn’t even have to put effort into that. However, the end result is that I had none for Ed, the dogs, even myself. I was too tired.

Mattix woke up all night every night and did not take any naps whatsoever.  It was great when he slept for half an hour at a time during the night. Ed and I got up every single time, stayed up the entire time each time, and powered through it. I’m writing this from my perspective, but I want to note that Ed did just as much as I did. I had a some not-so-shining moments (never in front of Mattix). A few stick out for me. Like the one at 3:00 a.m. I’d just finished a two hour glide-a-thon (sitting with him in the glider), finally got him back to sleep, put him in his crib, where he was sleeping when I left his room, and barely got back into my bed when I heard the howl over the baby monitor. I literally threw the bed spread across the room and yelled “Fuuuu*****kkkkkk” and started to cry. Then I went back to Mattix’s room, picked him up again, and started over.

This isn’t about me. Honestly. It’s about Mattix. So trying to get back on topic. Mattix sleeps on the floor now and he sleeps so much better than he ever did. I think that if perhaps we had put him on the floor in the beginning, he would have done better. Not nearly as well as he is doing now because the place he was sleeping was only half of the problem, but better than he did back then. HOWEVER, even if I could go back and put him on the floor right away, I would NOT do it. Here’s why…

I *believe* that Mattix had such extreme issues for a few reasons. One, becuase he was institutionalized for ten months and it wasn’t easy for him. We noticed that on the occasions when he was actually sleeping well, he was very “mobile.” He would schooch and roll like crazy all over the place. Well, a crib isn’t very big, right? There’s only so much space to schooch and roll. As soon as he’d run into the side, he’d start the whole waking up process. I’m certain he did the same thing in the orphanage. He still schooches and rolls, which  is why the floor is wonderful because there’s a ton of room to schooch and roll. Also, in the orphanage, he slept in a crib that had a very hard “mattress” (not even sure it was a mattress to be honest). So he was used to hard surfaces. Hence, the reason that he’s very comfortable on the floor.

The other obvious reason for the sleeping issues is the fact that our adjustment wasn’t easy. As far as we know and believe very strongly, Mattix had not attached to any of his caretakers. At the age of ten months, he had not formed a slight attachment with anyone. Plus, the new environment was scary for him. He often woke up in the middle of the night, terrified, screaming, crying inconsolably, for an hour or more. He had night terrors in the very beginning. Those stopped quickly, but the inconsolable crying and fear went on for a while.

We tried co-sleeping when we came home, as we had done it the entire time in VN, but it did not work at all. He slept even less than he did in his crib because Mattixwould wake up at the slightest movement, sound, etc.  So he “slept” in his crib, although on most nights, he was in our arms, in our laps, in the glider, more than he was in bed. We also spent hours and hours over this crib, patting his butt and rubbinghis back. We never once left the room until he was back asleep and never once ignored his cries. We never left him in his crib with a bottle. The funny part is that he wasn’t all the difficult to get to sleep at bedtime. It was just that the ”first” sleep didn’t last more than a few hours before the wakeups began, and once those started, it was never easy to get him back to sleep.

So I’m still not to the point. Today, April 10th, is the four month “anniversary” of our G&R. We  became his mom and dad four month ago. And I believe Mattix is attaching to us in a phenomenal way that I never, NEVER, would have expected him to after this short of a period of time, based on where we were when we came home three and a half months ago. He is not attached to us; I don’t believe he is entirely securely attached in just four months because I don’t believe most children develop a secure, concrete attachment to their adoptive parents in just four months. But he is attaching and to watch it is amazing. Our very close family who has had the opportunity to observe it regularly is equally amazed. I believe that all adoptive parents go through this little “holy crap, I’m in awe” thing that I’m going through now. So I know this isn’t special or unique and quite possibly boring to lots of you. But holy crap, I’m in awe.

And the point of nights in this is that I *believe* that the nights from hell, where Ed and I met every last one of Mattix’s needs incessantly, played a pretty significant role in the progress we’re seeing. Let me explain. Mattix didn’t want anything from us when we met him. Not only did he prefer not to be held, but he wouldn’t allow it. I had some pretty serious anxiety while we were in VN because I had no idea how we were going to make it home on all the airplanes with a child that would not allow you to hold him in your arms or on your lap. The way it worked out was heartbreaking. I cried for the first hour on the Hong Kong to LA flight because what we had to do was so sad.  I’m getting to the point. I promise.

He also didn’t cry real tears. He hit his head so hard one day in the hotel room that it stunned him. I can’t even imagine how badly it hurt. I freaked out. I started across the room, but froze because he literally looked confused for second, got his bearings, stood up, and went back to whatever he was doing. No big deal. He had a huge goose egg for a week. Another time in VN, he fell out of bed. Yeah, yeah, bad mom. He landed on his back and it knocked the wind out of him. Ed snatched him up immediately and Mattix wanted back down immediately.  in fact, in the very beginning, the only time ”cried” was when Ed or I were holding him and wouldn’t put him down and during the night.  Never bothered to let us know that his diaper was wet. Never bothered to tell us he was hungry. Didn’t react to getting hurt. During the day, he wsstrangely happy, although I’ve since talked about how it was clearly a ”fake” happy becuase that happy was NOTHING like the kind of happy he is now. He was also tired a lot, which made him cranky here and there, but he seemed okay.

So, I’m still trying to get to the point. Can you tell I’m having a hard time getting my thoughts together? I’m trying to say that I think that had our nights been easier -say, if he only woke up for bottles a few times a night or comfort here and there – then the attachment process that is shocking the hell out of me might not be happening as quickly as I think it is. Still needs more explanation. The nights forced us to hold him for long periods of time, forced him to actually let us know that he needed something, although I’m sure he didn’t know what he needed, forced a situation wherein we would spend hours and hours holding him down in our laps, rocking him, comforting him, rubbing his back.

Mattix handed over his bottle willingly from the moment we met him. While I’ve heard of other parents struggling withthat – getting their baby to allow the parent to hold the bottle – Mattix was on board with it. He never fought us for the bottle, not at bedtime and not during the night. He always let us hold his bottle. And when we would put him to bed for the first time, he didn’t fight the holding and rocking too much, either. However, like I said, the rest of the night was a fight. So Ed and I fought it out. We stuck it out. We did it over and over and over. In the interest of not getting into it too much, I won’t go on and on about it again, but like I talked about in earlier posts, he kicked the ever living crap out of me, growled at me, yelled at me, hit me and fought like hell. And other nights he cried his heart out, sobbed uncontrollably, screamed, cried, thrashed around. But we just kept doing it. We kept holding him, kept taking to him, kept going into his room and taking him out of his crib over and over. Every night. All night. We kept doing it.

I know. Still missing the point. The point is that because he was a kid that didn’t care to have his needs met and in fact didn’t want many of his needs to be met, had he not experienced hell at night, I’m certain it would have taken much longer to get to the point we’re at now because we wouldn’t have had the opportunity to be there for him in the way that we were each and every night. Okay, I think I got it out.

I don’t believe his inability to sleep has always been entirely indicative of his relationship with us. There are a few other factors at play that I have not discussed and I believe they contributed to his inability to sleep. Things that have nothing to do with bonding or comfort and things that are “cured” ; with time.   And now, the floor has a lot to do with the improvement. I know this for a fact because we recently put him in the crib for a night and he moaned and whimpered a lot during the night and woke up too often. So, obviously, he is more comfortable on the floor. And he still rolls and scooches from one side of his room to the other all night. He just doesn’t wake up entirely because one, it takes longer to get from one side to the other, and two, once he rolls up to a really soft body pillow, he just switches directions and rolls the other way. In the crib, even though we had a crib bumper, it was still a hard surface that didn’t “give.”

So the progress?  Well, as far as sleeping, it’s going beautifully. Here’s what we do: we rock him every night with a bottle. Often, he doesn’t even drink the bottle. He just lays in my (or Ed’s) lap, looks into my eyes, and falls asleep happily. We put him to bed on the floor. He lets us know he wants a bottle sometime between midnight and 2:00 a.m. by sort of whining in his sleep. If we jump up and haul ass, we can get there before he wakes up entirely. This is when he wants his own bottle. If we stay and try to hold it for him, he fully wakes up, gets annoyed, sits up, and then we have to go through the whole hour-plus-in-the-glider routine. I don’t feel like that it is necessary any longer to insist on holding his bottle during the night to foster a good bond and quite frankly, I don’t think it’s good for him to miss out on an hour or two of sleep every night. So, yes, we let him hold his own four ounce bottle in the middle of the night. We’ve been doing it for close to a month.  He likes to lay on his tummy with his bottle in his mouth and he does it in his sleep. Sometimes he just wants to suck on the bottle, even if he’s not getting the formula. We’ve tried pacifiers over and over, but he’s not having them. He wants the bottle.  And then he’s good until 5:00 or 6:00 a.m. Momma don’t like the mornin’. At all. I am NOT a morning person. I am miserable in the mornings and I often feel like crap. Getting up at 5:00 or 6:00 is not good for me (I’m being funny, but I’m also being serious. The things I shared in my PW protected post last week relate to this). And you know what? Mattix isn’t happy that early, either. If we allow him to completely wake up or if I go in and get him when he starts to whimper, he often cries for a while, is cranky, and takes a some time to get into his usually happy mood. We’ve found that, as soon as he starts stirring,  If we take him another small bottle, he stays asleep. I go back to sleep.  And then he wakes up happy around 6:30 or 7:00.

Of course there are exceptions, but I’d say about five nights a week, this is our routine. When he wakes up, I lay in bed and listen to him babble for a bit. Then he crawls over to the edge of his ”bed”  and retrieves a toy or two. I keep a few toys in his room for him to play with when he wakes up. So he plays, sometimes for five minutes and sometimes for twenty. Every few days, he opens up a drawer or two and empties it for me, babbling in his sweet little voice all the while. And when he is done, he yells, “momomomom” or “mama (pause) mama (pause) mama” and I go get him. Then he looks at me, smiles, and says, “dog,” frantically searching for Gidget, because she goes into his room with me every morning. Then he makes me put him down again so he can give Gidget some good morning love. I love it. its’ pretty predictable and it’s a great way to wake up.

A few nights each week are still rough. He wakes up more frequently and needs us. He sometimes wakes up sickeningly early, like Tuesday morning, when he wanted out of bed at 4:00 a.m., was exhausted, but couldn’t sleep. I’m going to write about that in the next post because it relates to the progress I’m seeing and am loving. But anyway, a few nights a week, he’s up more than just twice, but hey, twice on most nights is awesome and four or so times a few night a week ain’t bad, either. I’m still not sleeping well becuase the damn baby monitor wakes me up all night, coupled with sleeping issues that I’ve always had. But Mattix is sleeping better and that’s what matters.

I’m finding that I must be a the-glass-is-half-empty girl for things in the future, and a the-glass-is-half-full girl for things in the past. Meaning, I consider myself realistic when looking to the future (although Ed calls me semi-pessimistic), but very optimistic when looking at the past. Here, I look at what we went through at night and think it was great that we had to deal with that. At the time, I just wanted to sleep. But I I think that what we went through as a family allowed us to get to the point we’re at now in what I think is a relatively short period of time. The next post will have more details about his “daytime” progress. It’s just that this one is so long and all over the place and I have to stop. Mostly, this is for me because I don’t want to forget this. But if you made it to the end, thanks for humoring me!

 

Wedding festivities with tons of photos (like, tons and tons)

We’ve had a really busy four or five days around here! I think I mentioned earlier that a childhood friend of mine had her wedding on Saturday. I have known her since the first grade. My mom and her mom met through us nearly 22 years ago and they have been best friends ever since. Because my mom is so close to Jan, the bride’s mom, my mom was very involved in the wedding stuff and helped out a ton. And because our families have known each other for so long, I was included in the fun wedding activities. I have really enjoyed myself since Wednesday, when we attended a family BBQ, but have not been feeling the best the past few days. Too much excitement for this old lady! (Actually, I’ve been “gluten poisoned” a few too many times by Mattix’s PB and J sandwiches and as much as I hate to do it, the little guy’s going to have to go gluten free at home because a sick mommy is a useless mommy!)

This post is going to be all over the place because I’ve had the opportunity to watch Mattix’s attachment process accelerate during these past few weeks and it has blown my mind. I want to write it down so I don’t forget. Mattix and I arrived at the BBQ on Wednesday to a room full of people who immediately began oohhing and awwing over him. Jan’s family lives out of state, but they have followed our adoption journey from the day we rec’d Mattix’s referral. Jan forwarded every last one of my update emails and photos (would have just been easier to blog back then, huh?) to her entire family and they followed our travel journal. So needless to say, he has yet another huge fan club that he hadn’t even met.  

So we walked into the room and everyone was all into him. Mattix has been very friendly with strangers for about the past six or eight weeks. His personality is HUGE. It’s so endearing and adorable. However, I’ve mentioned that it had concerned me because I previously felt like he would go to just about anyone, until the day someone offered to take him and he was having none of it. Anyway, it still concerned me a bit because he is honestly the FRIENDLIEST, most interactive, flirtatious kid ever. Well, I’m no longer worried. He was SO not going to even acknowledge anyone. I’m sure part of it was being overwhelmed by the number of strangers. He looked around, wrapped his arms tightly around me, and buried his head in my shoulder. Everyone is so kind and understanding. It was nice – I didn’t even have to give the old “give him some time, we’re working on attachment, blah, blah, blah speech” because they just get it. Nobody got too close; they just stayed back and talked to him. When he was done with the head-in-the-shoulder routine, he gave everyone the stare down that Ed and I rec’d when we met him at the orphanage. The one where he just stares with the most serious look ever and doesn’t show any emotion whatsoever. So I just started talking and socializing and letting him get comfortable. And he did. My mom and dad arrived about thirty minutes after I did, so that helped as well, having two more familiar faces. About an hour into it, after carefully watching me interact, he began smiling, waving, and “talking.” He was ready to get down and crawl around. He also was very interested in the bride’s cousins, who are 12 and 14. After a while, he was more than happy to have them hold him as long as either my mom or I were in close proximity. Ed arrived at some point as well, as his plane actually landed on time (almost impossible to believe). Anyway, nice night and very interesting and wonderful to see Mattix so reserved with strangers. Ed left with Mattix before I did; apparently, Mattix passed out on the way home and stayed asleep while Ed put his jammies on. Too cute. This is the kid that would wake up at the slightest touch and refuse to fall back asleep!

I attended the bridal shower on Thursday at a nice tea room. I need to remember to always be as gracious as our hosts were. At the time I was invited to the shower, we didn’t think Ed would be in town. Because my mom was also attending, I didn’t have anyone with which to leave Mattix, so I thanked them for the invite and explained why I would have to decline. The bride and her entire family insisted I bring Mattix, my adorable but sometimes loud, messy, nearly 14 month old, to the fancy tea room to attend a shower with a group of women. I just thought that was so nice and I’m not sure I would have been so kind and understanding before I myself was a mom.  As it turns out, Ed was home and he and Mattix hung out while I went (I have to admit it was a nice break!), but this was just a little lesson for me.

(the bride and i at the shower}

On Friday, Ed, Mattix and I attended the rehearsal dinner at a fun, popular Mexican restaurant. By then, Mattix was really getting into his new friends and the charm was on. Mattix knows how to make himself quite popular with his spiky hair and nauseatingly adorable antics. It’s almost too much. He sooo knows how to work the crowd. He even fake laughs at the appropriate times. On an unrelated note, Ed and I are officially the “old people with a kid;” we were the first to leave at 8:00! Mattix once again passed out in the car and this time slept in his clothes all night!

(dancing the night away}

 

{mattix and grandma. my mom is going to kill me if she sees this b/c mattix pulled her dress down so low! (his new thing is to hang grab onto the neckline of whatever you’re wearing and hang on for dear life.) but really, i’m doing her a favor b/c in another photo, but for the good ol’ bra, she’d be pulling a janet jackson-style wardrobe malfunction. so give me a break, mom!}

{still having fun!}

{very rare for all three of us to be in a photo. of course, mattix was done smiling.}

{mattix, gettin’ crazy with the milk shooters}

{and…..he’s out}

{i thought ed was going to kill me for taking lots of flash photos while he carried mattix upstairs. but mommy is always right – he didn’t even open his eyes}

{the bride chose the exact same color – lavender – and theme – intertwined hearts – that ed and i had at our wedding. i’m so not girly, but it was super sweet when he tied a ribbon from one of the rehearsal dinner favors on my wrist. he just does the cutest little things here and there that remind me of why i married him – in addition to the smart, sarcastic ass that i love, he’s a sweetheart. we’re such dorks.}

And on Saturday, we all attended the wedding. Originally, my best friend Laura was going to come over to our house and watch Mattix for us. We had planned on this for a long time, but because of Mattix’s recent need to be near me all of the time lately, I didn’t feel like it would be good for him to be away from us, especially at bedtime. (I’m so pleased that Mattix is becoming attached to me to the point that he often doesn’t want Ed or my mom to take him away. Not for selfish reasons at all, tust me. I don’t care which one of us he prefers at ALL. It’s just that I am his primary caregiver, being the stay at home parent, and he’s clearly aware of that. The progress we’ve made as a family is so amazing to me. That post is still coming.) We decided it wasn’t the end of the world for him to have a late night. He must have anticipated the big par-tay…he took a nearly three hour nap on Saturday afternoon.  Also, as much as I thought I’d love to just have some adult time with Ed, I’m really starting to feel differently. Don’t get me wrong – Ed and I LOVE the little adult time we get – but this was a family wedding and it just felt wrong to leave part of the family at home. So Mattix came and OhMyGosh was it fun. First of all, my mom and I went shopping and found Mattix the cutest outfit ever (see photos below) and I couldn’t get enough of his little adult outfit. He just had so much fun that it made my time that much more fun.

He was a champ during the ceremony. He sat on Ed’s lap the entire time and drank his milk. We sat in the very back corner, just in case we needed to leave, but that was very unnecessary because he didn’t make a peep. I’m kind of glad, though, because I took lots of pics of Mattix and Ed and I love them.

{my boys}

{“enough with the pictures”}

{listen, mom, if you take one more effing picture, i’m going to put this bottle of milk down…}

Before the reception, we hung out in the cocktail area and let him crawl around and burn off energy.  Then we went in and put him in his high chair. He was ready to party! He waved at everyone he recognized, flirted with other guests at our table, and as soon as the music started, he began dancing in his high chair like crazy. As they introduced the bride and groom, Mattix joined in the applause, clapping super loud and smiling up a storm. Then he waved at them as they walked by our table. He was so into it! He was great through dinner, although I swear, this kid is developing the most adult palate. He wanted nothing to do with his children’s chicken fingers and fries dinner and would only eat off of my mom’s, Ed’s, and my plate of very adult food that I wouldn’t think a kid would like at all. I will admit to allowing him to eat both my and Ed’s favor cookie. While my mom occasionally spoils Mattix with sweets, I generally do not. However, it helped him sit still for a bit longer. I did catch my mom feeding him wedding cake later in the evening, but at that point, the day’s eating was all blown to hell so who cares, right?!

{that was a damn good cookie!}

{doesn’t he just look so grown up here?!}

{apparently, mattix either planned to hit the bar or a strip club with the cash in his pocket}

{far too busy to even acknowledge the camera}

{while ed was a big enough dork to serenade the bride with a fake mic, mattix was far too cool to participate in that BS. instead, he did more milk shooters.}

{“get your hand off my tie, bi-atch.” my mom was holding him here and another guest was admiring his tie. seriously, when i say he has an aversion to being touched by people he doesn’t know well, i mean it. check out that look!}

{totally random photo, but this made me laugh. mattix is very deliberate about some of the things he does. he picked up this piece of lettuce off of my plate and set it on my purse. then he rearranged it three or four times until it was just right. then he just left it there. apparently my purse was boring and needed a little extra somethin’}

{mattix has been very affectionate with us for a while now, but in the past four weeks or so, he has become so unbelievably affectionate towards me that it fills my heart. during dinner, i was rubbing his back and he laid on my arm, looked into my eyes and began rubbing and patting my face. he gave me the sweetest looks and he kept it up for a few minutes. i didn’t even know my mom had taken these photos b/c i was so wrapped up in it until i saw them the following day. note: ignore the double chin, please. much like my ass, my chin has developed a twin. and even if they made chin span*x, given my last experience, i wouldn’t try them.}

{i am married to the world’s biggest nerd, who, in this photo, is playing the role of the police officer while dancing to YMCA. i may or may not have screamed wildly and pointed to him while the dj was requesting volunteers.}

We danced all night and Mattix flirted shamelessly. He still wasn’t into having strangers hold him, but he was very friendly. He loves to dance and clap. I LOVE this kid…he’s just so much fun. I’m enjoying him more and more every day. I love seeing his personality develop. And man, he has a personality! More about that in this upcoming post I keep talking about (warning: it’s going to be a long one!).

{and just like that, mattix was done. he fell asleep in my mom’s arms while they were dancing. too cute. For supposedly not drinking anything besides milk and water, he was the one who slept in his clothes all night. I’m just saying…}

 

I hope everyone enjoyed their weekend as much as we enjoyed ours. I’m behind on blogs b/c I’ve been a little under the weather, but i promise to catch up soon.