Long days, REALLY long nights and OhMyGosh, is this my life?

Well, it’s been more than a few days and I almost forgot my blog address. Okay, kidding, but it sorta feels that way. Ed left town on Monday afternoon, just about the time that Mattix got REALLY sick. As in, he didn’t sleep more than 20 minutes at a time all night Monday and Tuesday night – sick.  The past few days have been long and the nights really, really long! Poor little guy was just miserable. He couldn’t sleep but wanted to soooo badly. I spent most of each night walking him up and down the hall, rocking him in the chair, and trying to pat his little booty in my bed so I could at least lay down for an hour here and there. He cried and cried and cried. He’s a really happy, good natured kid, so I know he must have felt horrible.  And I spent all day Tuesday and Wednesday in the glider with him, rocking him, singing to him (in my tone deaf voice), and and trying to help him take little cat naps.  He just wanted me to hold him.  I never imagined just three months ago that this little guy would not only allow me to care for him like this, but actually WANT me to do it.   I’m too old for the nights. Seriously. I am. I would have kicked some ass in my early 20’s. I didn’t shower OR brush my teeth on Tuesday. Gross, huh?!

Anyway, he’s still sick but I think he’s starting to feel a little better. He obviously caught whatever I *still* have. We left the house today for a few hours because I just couldn’t take it any more. My mom spent the night last night just in case we needed a little help. I made it through the night, but she did wake up with him this morning so I could sleep until 8:30. Have I mentioned how much I love my mom?

I know this is stupid, but I just have to say how much I love this kid. Really. I LOVE him more than anything. I look at him and my heart melts. He hugs me, kisses me, reaches for me, and sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with emotion that I have trouble keeping it together.  I’m not good at the mom gig, it’s often hard for me, I sometimes even feel like it’s mind numbing. Is this all too honest? Sometimes I *long* for the opportunity to have time to MYSELF, to go to work (I know one has to be employed to go to work, but I can fantasize), to take a piss by myself, to brush my teeth with some regularity, to actually wash my hair when I shower rather than just doing the quick body-lather-in-the-shower and baby-powder-in-the-hair-after-the-shower trick. When I met many of Ed’s co-workers at “prom” when we were in DC and they asked me what I “did,” I answered, “Oh, I clean ass, dig for boogers, and play with stacking cups all day long.” It always gets a laugh, although I’m kinda being serious. Obviously I’m being partly sarcastic, but sometimes that’s what it feels like. I busted ass in college, law school, internships, work, and now I scrape crusty shit for a “living.”

I’m entirely unnatural and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing most of the time. Dont’ worry - like I’ve said since I started blogging, I knew this would be hard for me. I’m not at all surprised at how difficult this is, nor am I disappointed with myself. I’ve always measured my success in quantifiable achievements. You can’t do that with this gig. But I love him so much. I love him so much that I want to clean ass and dig for buggers. Doesn’t mean it’s easy and it doesn’t mean I don’t miss parts of my “old” life, but I would do anything for Mattix. Anything.

You know, if things were different, I wouldn’t be a stay-at-home mom. I’ll explain the if-things-were-different statement one day. Just know that if my life hadn’t taken the path it did, I wouldn’t have ever considered doing this. I’m not cut out for it. I was born with the succeed-at-work gene, not the mommy gene. So many women are good at this and natural at this. I’m not one of them. I admire them very much, trust me. My mom is that way. Not me. But because things are the way they are, this is how it had to be in order for me to have a family. I feel like we’re all challenged in different ways and this is the thing in my life that required me to step out of my box and live life differently than what felt natural to me.  Working 80 hours a week, pulling 15 hour work days…that would have been natural for me.

I’m reading a book right now titled, “I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood.” So far, I can really relate. Plus, it’s funny and I like to laugh. While I knew this was going to be hard for me, I will admit that I had all sorts of “ideas” before I was a mom. Yeah, not so much. But I’m figuring this out as I go.

Yesterday was our three-months-home anniversary and as I was sitting in the rocking chair with Mattix in my arms, sleeping very un-peacefully because his rest was constantly interrupted by coughing fits, I thought about our three months together. I thought a lot about how I was scared as hell after we met him. I mean really scared. I’m not even sure anyone knew how scared I was. Mattix was supposed to come home much earlier and I kept thinking about whether we were ever going to be “okay.” Stupid thoughts, really, because kids from countries all over the world come home at his age and older, but back then, most families going to VN to adopt infants brought home six month olds. We brought home a nearly one year old child. I loved him immediately, I wanted to give him the world, but I was afraid that he was never going to “take” to us. He wouldn’t let us hold him when we met him. He laughed a lot, never cried and was “happy” but it didnt’ take us long to see that those were all survival skills. He clearly had not formed even a slight bond with anyone. It wasn’t that we had to work to replace someone. We had to work to show him that we were the first people to care about him.

He went through a lot of phases, all of them expected, but they were still hard. His bitch slapping phase was a tough one, mostly because I was able to see his anger and it broke my heart. I blogged about it so if you’re bored, you read through the earlier entries and find it. He would look me in the eye and slap me across the face. I wasn’t surprised. I expected lots of things. But it made my heart hurt to think about what he was going through and what he had been through. He went through the phase where he would kick the shit out of me when I rocked him to sleep. I had to physically restrain him while he kicked and hit.

It’s only been three months and so much of this seems like a distant memory. I recall our wait to travel much more vividly than I recall our first month at home. Mattix worked through so much so quickly. Much more quickly than I EVER anticipated. I know I say this a lot, but I didn’t have any expectations of him. I wanted him to move at his own pace. I didn’t want him to behave a certain way because he was sensing my expectations of that. I told him “no” when he hit, but only to let him know that he couldn’t hit because it hurts and was physical, which isn’t okay (he also hit the dogs for a brief period). He took to throwing his arms up and down and grunting and yelling to express his frustration in place of hitting and I never once tried to make him stop. I knew he needed to work through is feeling on his own terms. And he did. Far more quickly than I ever imagined.

He started showing affection so soon. Now, he’s the most loving little boy. He loves on Ed and I all the time, and now my mom gets it pretty regularly. The way he looks into my eyes, grabs my face, kisses me, and hugs me makes me cry. Every time I take him out of the car seat, he is so happy to see me.  His smile, his squeals, the kisses. I can’t even explain it. I hadn’t thought about the hitting much until the past few days. It’s hard to even remember because he’s so affectionate…and it’s sincere. Mattix has the best nature. He’s so laid back, he’s freaking hilarious, he’s very smart, he’s observant, he’s loving and sweet, and ooohhhh, he has a temper like his momma.

So, yeah, the past three months have been amazing, overwhelming, and hard all at once. I have patience that I never, ever, ever believed I would have had. I’ve felt more love than I ever though I was capable of feeling, and I’ve felt more lonely than I’ve ever felt in my life. But experiencing Mattix for just three shorts months has been, by far, the most amazing time of my life.

And so my post that was going to be a quick one about the past few days has turned into a novel that is all over the place. Sorry. I’m tired, okay?! I just went back and added the last bit to the title to more aptly capture what I ended up writing about. OhMyGosh, is this my life? Cleaning ass and not brushing my teeth? Yup, it is. But it’s pretty neat, actually. The world’s coolest kid, who can rock a pretty awesome faux hawk, by the way, is sorta sleeping down the hall and *I* get to help raise him. (Seriously…he LOVED it when I brushed his hair and put hair spray in it today. He picked up the bottle when I was done and tried to add a little more. How funny is he?) I may have to clean ass, but I also get to be on the receiving end of the loves, the smiles, and the laughter. I may not be a natural, but I’m doing my best.