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A busy weekend (with photos). And I fell off the wagon…

…sorta. So my birthday is on Tuesday (gag) and Ed and I went out for it on Saturday. Big stuff around here b/c we don’t go out together sans baby, um, ever. Saturday was our third “alone” time since coming home from VN and holy crap, I was like a five year old. I was so darn excited to go to dinner and a MOVIE – just Ed and I - that I was light headed. Anyway, at the movies, Ed ordered a Coke Zero to go with our popcorn and Butterfinger bites. I have been very faithful to my Diet Coke and sunflower seed sobriety, despite the temptations everywhere. Well, as I was choking on my popcorn, Ed told me that *technically* Coke Zero was not Diet Coke, that really, just a few sips wouldn’t count, and it was my birthday night. So I caved, took five big gulps, and you know what the jerk said?

Ed: Ohhhh, you are SO weak. You fell off the wagon.

Me: What the hell? You said it didn’t count b/c it was Coke Zero and it was only a few sips.

Ed: Oh, sure, right, keep telling yourself that. That’s like saying, “What do you mean, officer? It was we*ed, not m*eth, and I only took a FEW hits off the b*ong.”

 Whatever. So I’m being accountable and admitting that I sort of fell off the wagon, but only because my dealer talked me into buying just another ounce. I’m still mostly clean and I’m committed, damn it.

********

Has anyone else noticed that once you have kids, you no longer view your weekends as leisurely hang out time, but rather just two short days to get a crap load of stuff accomplished? That’s what has happened around here, but strangely, I feel good about it. We do SO much on the weekends now and I’m really enjoying them. 

Basically, Ed went golfing with my dad early Saturday morning while Mattix and I ran a ridiculous amount of errands, then we all went to every store in town to find Mattix the perfect sandbox and itty bitty “swing set” (five different stores before we ended up at the one we should have hit first), then Ed and I went on my birthday date while my Mom hung out with Mattix. On Sunday, I was once again invited to the boys’ breakfast, we dropped a ton of donations off at Good*will,  spent more money and time at Lowe*’s than I care to admit, we finished our yard work from last weekend, visited with my best friend, her husband, and their new baby for four hours,  then cleaned up the mess from the yard work. Now the weekend is over, we’re all exhausted, Mattix is passed out, and a new week is here. Geez. I vaguely remember sleeping in on Saturdays in a former life.

Two things: First, my best friend’s daughter is now seven-ish weeks old and I was floored by how useless I am with an infant. This is very interesting to me. First you might be surprised to hear this b/c I always talk about how I’m missing the mommy gene and I’m very unnatural. Well, I am, but what I’ve never mentioned is that if I’d had kids at a young age, I think I would have been much more natural and had an easier time of it. When I was a young teenager, I was the designated babysitter for our entire neighborhood that was FULL of kids. I babysat all of the time. I watched kids who were newborns up to ten or so years old. And I was damn good. With all of them. Newborns didn’t freak me out a bit. In fact, when my aunt and uncle had their first baby when I was sixteen, not only was I present for his birth (um, why the hell didn’t anyone tell me about freaking “afterbirth” BEFORE the birth? T*R*A*U*M*A), but I stayed with them for two weeks (it was during summer break) and helped with absolutely everything. I LOVED that little guy and cared for him like it was second nature. I just knew what to do with him. No worries, no questions, just natural.

Now, I’m scared of little babies. I swear I think their heads are going to fall off, all bobbly and whatnot. I was incredibly awkward with her daughter and truly didn’t know what to do with her. Laura is my very best friend and I wasn’t embarrassed or anything, but I was so unsure of what to do. And I don’t have any interest in knowing, either. Weird, huh?  Her baby is just precious and I love her, but I can’t wait until she’s five or six months old so I can play with her! My mom and I talked the other day about how I was probably going to be a parent that did really well with “older” little ones and not itty bitty infants. I personally know a handful of men feel that way. My mom noted that she was surprised that, given how much I loved babies as a child and teenager, I am intimidated by infants. She knows it, because she sees it, but it’s surprising.  

This further reinforces to me  that everything in life happens for a reason. Since I was old enough to know I wanted kids, I knew I was going to adopt from another country. However, back then, I didn’t realized that internationally adopted kids were “older” when they came home to their families and if I had, I might have had trouble with it, given how much I loved babies. And now as an adult, I’m not a “baby” sort of girl. (By the way, I’m not saying that I’m glad Mattix spent the first ten months of his life in an orphanage b/c I didn’t want to parent an infant. I would have done anything to bring him home on the day he was born, just so he could have had parents for his first ten months of life. I’m just saying that because things are the way they are when it comes to international adoption, it fits into my life.) On that same note, there’s something I’d like to write about and share soon, but I think it will be in a PW protected post. Ed and I had a very interesting, meaningful (or at least to me) conversation this morning over breakfast. I’m going to share it this week or maybe next, after I share something else very personal that will absolutely be a PW protected post this week. If you want the PW, feel free to ask.

Second, I’ve mentioned I’m kind of like the stereotypical dude when it comes to children.  *I* was the one who needed three Goose and tonics to get through the baby registry process. *I* was the one who was freaked out seven ways from Sunday about having kids’ toys and crap all over my house, junking up the place. *I* was the one who was insistent that we would be minimalists when it came to kids sh*it b/c primary c0lored plastic garbage was NOT going to take over my space, thankyouverymuch.  And now I find myself unbelievably excited about buying Mattix everything under the sun, just so I can see him enjoy himself. I couldn’t wait to assemble the obnoxious, plastic, blue, red, and yellow swing/slide combo and put it up in our yard. I couldn’t wait to dump 150 pounds of sand into his new sandbox and fill it with more obnoxious plastic toys. I’m excited to buy him all sorts of stuff as he enters new stages so that he can play and have fun. I wasn’t screwing around before, either. I was SERIOUS. My organized, clean world was not going to be messed with by a 20 pound person. So that’s how a kid who you love more than anything in this entire world can change your life, huh?

 Here are some cute photos of Mattix giving his new stuff a try. I had out my cheapo camera that finally takes the photo ten minutes after you hit the button, so I missed all of the actual shots I was trying to take. Often, the camera would go off about four seconds after he’d crawled out of the frame or turned around completely.  I’ll get out one of the good cameras in the next few days. Until then…

{I think he looks so small!}

 {fun for Mattix to dump the sand out of the box, not so much fun for Dad to clean it up}

{playing in the sandbox is very serious business}

{ed, hard at work with a PLASTIC wrench. what a man.}

{he’s entering the climbing phase, wherein he climbs everything. he actually climbed up the slide and made it to the top}

{giving the swing a try}

{victorious at the top! I couldn’t get a full length shot b/c Ed was actually working while we were playing and I couldn’t let go!}

{totally irritated that I wouldn’t let go}

{in additon to request that you ignore our half-dead grass b/c the winter grass is dying but the summer grass isn’t in yet, I also ask that you ignore my appearance in this photo. we were having so much fun, though, and I love how happy he looks here}

{re-energizing after an exhausting day}

Addictions

Updated: after I finished the fluffy post below and then continued to mess around on the Internet b/c I apparently like getting no sleep (actually, I was waiting for Ed to come home from the airport), I found THIS article. I am disgusted and angry. Although the article doesn’t indicate it, I would bet the house that this girl had Type I diabetes, like I’ve had since I was nine years old. (Type I and Type 2 are VERY different diseases that bear very little resemblance to each other. However, these days, everyone is familiar with Type 2 b/c of Americans bad eating habits and sedentary lifestyles. Type 1 is an autoimmune disease that cannot be prevented or cured and while there are over twenty million Type 2 diabetics in the US, there are less than one million Type 1s. There’s some basic, good info HERE if you’re bored.)

While I was in law school, I researched and wrote on many incidents similar to this one that resulted in criminal charges being filed against the parents. Far too often, the parents were able walk away because of their “ability” to exercise their freedom of religion. I’m sorry, but I don’t care what the hell religion you follow —- allowing your child to die like this is the most disgusting, heartless thing I can imagine. Again, I don’t care what you believe (I do happen to possess quite a bit of faith myself), God ain’t gonna cure one’s Type I diabetes, which requires insulin injections or continuing insulin infusion via an insulin pump for the rest of one’s life, no matter how faithful you are or how much you pray.  

From her mother’s mouth:

 ”We just noticed a tiredness within the past two weeks,” she said Wednesday. “And then just the day before and that day (she died), it suddenly just went to a more serious situation. We stayed fast in prayer then. We believed that she would recover. We saw signs that to us, it looked like she was recovering.”

I will never, EVER, EVER believe that anyone could have possibly thought she was “recovering” before she died. I believe that poor little girl died an incredibly painful, slow, horrifying death.  Her relatives acknowledged that they’d been trying to take her to the hospital for a week. And her parents claim they did nothing criminal…

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The title makes this post sound so serious, but it’s not. I have a few addictions  bad habits and I’m working on kicking them. The first one has actually been kicked…I hope. You’re going to think I’m so gross. I was fully addicted to sunflower seeds. I’ve struggled with this one since I was in high school. Seriously. My dirty little habit/secret. I’m not messing around either – I would pour a big old handful into my mouth, crack ‘em open, move the “used” shells to the other cheek, then spit out the entire mouth full of shells at once. I’d go at it until I’d polished off an entire bag. When Ed first discovered my nasty habit, I think he nearly puked. It took some getting used to, but hey, it came with the package, right? I gave up my habit many times over the years b/c let’s face it, an entire bag of sunflower seeds, with 30 some grams of fat and nearly 500 calories, isn’t exactly a good every day treat. Once, after giving them up for a long while, I was sure I could control it. I put myself on rations and was so good, eating only half a cup each day. But eventually, I fell off the wagon, and was back to eating an entire bag at at time. When we went to DC, I didn’t have a single sunflower seed the entire time. Most likely b/c we were eating so much evil, fatty, filling food that it didn’t even occur to me. Regardless, I’m off the seeds and even though I crave them often, I’m sticking to it.

My next addiction that I officially gave up as of Monday – so I’m five days clean, baby – is Diet Coke. This is yet another VERY bad one. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Diet Coke. I don’t like regular soda, but I really love my Diet Coke. Ahhh, it’s bad and has been since high school. It’s another one of those things that I have given up over and over, and like the seeds, after I was “clean” for about six months, I allowed myself ONE glass of Diet Coke when we would eat out, then I’d switch to water. But like any true addict, it’s a slippery slope. I think I can control it, but it’s time to be honest with myself. Now it’s worse than ever. Up until we adopted Mattix, I was a water drinking champion. I easily drank 64 ounces of water a day, usually closer to 100.  Well, after we came home and I stopped working out, I slowly started replacing the water with Diet Coke. Now it’s a good day when I drink 16 ozs of water and only 50 ozs of freaking Diet Coke (meaning on a bad day, I drink less water and more Diet Coke). How gross is that? Well, the very regular exercise is coming back in two weeks, thank goodness, and so the Diet Coke must go. And yeah, besides that, the sickening amount of artificial sweetener that my body is processing daily, in addition to the carbonation that robs my already osteoporosis plagued bones, is not good. So that’s it. I’m off the juice and I’m stayin’ off.

And my final addiction, which is being stolen from me, is America’s Best Dance Crew. I’m not sure I ever saw an episode before tonight’s finale when it originally aired, but MTV plays them over and over and I’ve seen every one at least five times. When Mattix was sick last week and we spent all day, every day in the glider, watched them while he slept. (On a side note, sad that I’m too dumb to actually use the DVR and I had to watch them when MTV re-ran them, no?) From the first episode, I knew *KNEW* that the Jabba Walkies were gonna win. Guess who called it? Oh yeah, baby, they won all right. But my huge moment of excitement never happened because with the announcement that my boys were the winners came the realization that the season is over. Ahhh, the heart break. I think in an alternative life, I so would have had good knees and awesome rhythm and I would have put this disproportionally large booty to work, because I have secretly fantasized about being on a dance crew every night before falling asleep for the past week. And yeah, that’s the kinda action going on at this house – me fantasizing about being on a dance crew. Hmmm, married life with a baby…

And that’s it. No more seeds, no more Diet Coke, and no more Dance Crew. The loss and the heartbreak are tremendous right now. I might just start smoking or drinking heavily so I can get through it.

On an entirely unrelated note, Mattix’s development has floored me over the past month. I’m going to finish up a post about what he’s been up to over the past month with some hilarious photos that prove he is indeed a little troublemaker. This kid has a will of steel. He ended up in the right family though, because I am entirely confident I will out-will him. His will, however, may very well be the strongest I have yet to encounter. Yup, me vs.  the thirteen month old and it’s a pretty close competition. That should say something b/c seriously, I’m the most strong willed person I know. (And no, I’m not bragging on myself…I’m functioning at about 50-50; half the time it is great and serves me well, and the other half the time it is very, very bad.) I’ll just say that Mattix has learned to climb, and there is nothing in our house that he has not either climbed or attempted to climb, including the dog all day, every day. He has said his first word. He also decided he likes to dip his chips in salsa. Funny little guy. I’ll post this weekend.

Speaking of weekends, I hope you have a great one!

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Happy Easter (with lots of photos)!

Happy Easter!  

First, thanks so much for all of the supportive comments you left on my last post. I think I may have been having a *slight* feeling of being overwhelmed! I talked to my best friend who had her baby a month ago. Funny thing – she WAS born with the mommy gene and she and I are on the same page. She’s an incredible mom without a doubt, but she too misses her “space,” sleep, alone time, and adult interaction.  I think the consensus among all moms is that this isn’t always easy, whether we feel like we’re born to do it or not.

That being said, Mattix threw us a bone and slept through the night on Friday AND Saturday! He woke up once for a bottle, but he doesn’t actually wake up – he just moans in his sleep and we know that means he wants a bottle. He drinks it, three quarters asleep, and is back out completely after he’s had a bit of formula.  Actually, he threw us a few bones becuase  took a two and a half hour nap on Saturday and Ed and I were able to get a lot done during that time. No nap on Sunday, but as it turns out, we had a great day anyway. 

Ed and Mattix always go to breakfast together on Saturday morning. I usuallyalways sleep in; Ed gets up with Mattix around 6:00 when Mattix wakes up and he gets the two of them ready and they have Dad and Matix time. I think it’s really great for two reasons: first, it’s nice for them to spend alone time together, and second, I get to sleep in! However, Mattix didn’t wake up until 7:30 on Saturday, so I woke up as well. Guess where I was invited? To breakfast! I got to hang out with the boys. It was fun. Mattix LOVES pancakes and eggs and because I don’t cook a damn thing, he was all sorts of happy. I guess that’s his Saturday morning staple as of late. I guess that also means I need to become a bit more adept in the kitchen. I have issues there.

We ran errands and finally got all of the DC luggage unpacked. Our house is *almost* back to normal. I finished sorting through all of the mail and got caught up with everything. Ugh. That took a while. The one thing I can’t handle is having my house in serious disarray and being messy. I’ve let go of a lot of my anal retentive tendencies, but this is one that I will never get over.  BTW, I rec’d the ADORABLE onesie I purchased from Carissa’s Etsy shop; I’ll post pics of Mattix in it this week. Also, Melissa sent the cutest and most descriptive jammies that Mattix will also be modeling this week.

Ed put door locks on the cabinets upstairs and rocked Mattix’s world. We’ve always had them on the kitchen cabinets downstairs, but not the bathroom cabinets upstairs. He would get into them, but only take out a few things at a time and occupy himself for a while, studying each item carefully and playing with it. It was actually nice because it gave me little bits of time here and there to sorta shower and sorta get ready. Well, when we came home from DC, baby Mattix was missing and Captain Destruct-o had taken his place. Mattix literally cleared out every cabinet and drawer in my bathroom and put all of the contents all over the place. I’m still finding missing items in my shoes, behind the toilet, and under the bed. Not good. Today I found a much needed makeup brush in a basket, in my nightstand cabinet. So we decided it was time to block access and he was. not happy. Cracks me up.

Today, Easter, was the day I’ve needed for a long time. It was a wonderful day. Ed, Mattix, and I spent two and a half hours out back working in the yard and getting the flower gardens into shape so that we can actually plant flowers next weekend. I love being outside. We’ve been gone for so long that the yard wasn’t exactly up to my standards. It’s now well on its way to being back in shape. Mattix was so great – he hung out, played in the grass, put rocks in piles, “helped” pull grass and stack it in the pile, and tried to take a swim in the water fountain. See below for some cute pics.

This afternoon, we went over to my parents house and had quite possibly the best time we’ve had in a while. I enjoyed myself so much and selfishly, I felt like I deserved it. That sounds bad, I know, but I’ve been a bit overwhelmed lately. Between being away from home, without my friends and my life, for a month, then coming home to a really difficult week, I was feeling down, alone, and a little overwhelmed. This weekend, and especially today, turned my attitude around. It was a beautiful day and we spent the afternoon in my parents’ backyard, which is like a retreat. It’s the most peaceful, beautiful place. My mom cooked an amazing dinner that we ate on the patio. Mattix played for hours in the grass, ate a few pieces of candy that Grandma fed him “illegally,” messed around with plastic Easter Eggs, and was in a great mood. He didn’t even take a nap today and you never would have known it. He didn’t get sleepy until we started getting ready to leave around 7:00. He had so much fun. And so did I. Actually, everyone had a very nice day. Ed and I enjoy my parents so much and to see Mattix have fun with them is wonderful. He’s really into his grandma and grandpa. It’s precious.  

Enough with the blabbering…onto the fun stuff!

{These first few photos are from our yard work this morning. Mattix is OBSESSED with the fountain. At one point, I turned my back for two seconds and he was fully squatting ON the bricks, leaning in. He’s going to be a climber. Needless to say, I didn’t catch that one on the camera because I was tripping over myself, trying to grab him. I feel so lucky he didn’t fall over backwards onto the patio!}

{So my mom gave Mattix candy on Easter while I “looked the other way.” He LOVED it. He has never had Snickers or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups before and apparently, they were a hit! After he ate the first one (they were the little bite sized candies), he actually went to his Easter basket, pulled out a second, crawled back to my mom, and put it in her hand so she would open it! He cracks me up lately. He’s so much more pointed with what he wants and he’s sure to let us know.}

 

{Fun in the grass! We put Mattix in the grass at my parents’ house on Christmas day, just a few days after we came home from VN, and he was NOT having it. He wouldn’t move an inch, held his legs up in the air, and wouldn’t put his hands down. Now he loves it.}

{Loving on Gidget. He had not seen our dogs for over five weeks, as they’ve been at my parents’ house since before we left for DC. I just had too much going on this week to give them any attention. so we extended their stay a bit. Gidget was SO happy to see me (she’s my baby) but was also excited to see Mattix, and of course Slinky was all over him. For the first time, Mattix freaked out about the dogs. They didn’t faze him a bit when we came home from VN and he met them for the first time, but today, he was not having it. Yeah, well, ten minutes later, they were all best friends.}

{Shaggy dog, anyone?! We’re calling the groomer first thing in the morning!}

{Just being cute! Notice his squeaky sandals from VN. This is the smallest pair we bought and they are still a tad too big, but he loves them. You can also see in this photo how much he’s growing up vs “out.” He hasn’t gained any weight at all, but his clothes are all getting shorter. I weighed him – not exactly a precise method, as I stepped on the scale first (oh the horror, damn DC restaurants), then put  him on with me. He’s weighs exactly what he did before we left for DC five weeks ago, but he’s much taller.}

{We spread a few plastic Easter Eggs around a small area in the yard. Mattix went and collected all of them and put them in his Easter basket, one at a time. I loved it! Then we did it over and over and over and….}

Okay, enough with the photos. I actually have a few more cute ones I found from the end of our time in DC that I just didn’t have time to upload this past week. I’ll get to them in the next few days because they crack me up. While we were there, he figured out how to remove his diaper AND how to balance in a pan. Pretty funny stuff.

Also, I posted to Ladies of the Round Table tonight. I PW protected it because some of it is a bit too personal for me to feel comfortable leaving it open.  I think I’ll also post it here and PW protect it. If you would like the PW for MY  blog (not LOTRT) so that you can read it, please let me know in the comments or send me an email (ourvalentinesdaytreat@yahoo.com).

I hope everyone had a wonderful day! 

Long days, REALLY long nights and OhMyGosh, is this my life?

Well, it’s been more than a few days and I almost forgot my blog address. Okay, kidding, but it sorta feels that way. Ed left town on Monday afternoon, just about the time that Mattix got REALLY sick. As in, he didn’t sleep more than 20 minutes at a time all night Monday and Tuesday night – sick.  The past few days have been long and the nights really, really long! Poor little guy was just miserable. He couldn’t sleep but wanted to soooo badly. I spent most of each night walking him up and down the hall, rocking him in the chair, and trying to pat his little booty in my bed so I could at least lay down for an hour here and there. He cried and cried and cried. He’s a really happy, good natured kid, so I know he must have felt horrible.  And I spent all day Tuesday and Wednesday in the glider with him, rocking him, singing to him (in my tone deaf voice), and and trying to help him take little cat naps.  He just wanted me to hold him.  I never imagined just three months ago that this little guy would not only allow me to care for him like this, but actually WANT me to do it.   I’m too old for the nights. Seriously. I am. I would have kicked some ass in my early 20’s. I didn’t shower OR brush my teeth on Tuesday. Gross, huh?!

Anyway, he’s still sick but I think he’s starting to feel a little better. He obviously caught whatever I *still* have. We left the house today for a few hours because I just couldn’t take it any more. My mom spent the night last night just in case we needed a little help. I made it through the night, but she did wake up with him this morning so I could sleep until 8:30. Have I mentioned how much I love my mom?

I know this is stupid, but I just have to say how much I love this kid. Really. I LOVE him more than anything. I look at him and my heart melts. He hugs me, kisses me, reaches for me, and sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with emotion that I have trouble keeping it together.  I’m not good at the mom gig, it’s often hard for me, I sometimes even feel like it’s mind numbing. Is this all too honest? Sometimes I *long* for the opportunity to have time to MYSELF, to go to work (I know one has to be employed to go to work, but I can fantasize), to take a piss by myself, to brush my teeth with some regularity, to actually wash my hair when I shower rather than just doing the quick body-lather-in-the-shower and baby-powder-in-the-hair-after-the-shower trick. When I met many of Ed’s co-workers at “prom” when we were in DC and they asked me what I “did,” I answered, “Oh, I clean ass, dig for boogers, and play with stacking cups all day long.” It always gets a laugh, although I’m kinda being serious. Obviously I’m being partly sarcastic, but sometimes that’s what it feels like. I busted ass in college, law school, internships, work, and now I scrape crusty shit for a “living.”

I’m entirely unnatural and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing most of the time. Dont’ worry - like I’ve said since I started blogging, I knew this would be hard for me. I’m not at all surprised at how difficult this is, nor am I disappointed with myself. I’ve always measured my success in quantifiable achievements. You can’t do that with this gig. But I love him so much. I love him so much that I want to clean ass and dig for buggers. Doesn’t mean it’s easy and it doesn’t mean I don’t miss parts of my “old” life, but I would do anything for Mattix. Anything.

You know, if things were different, I wouldn’t be a stay-at-home mom. I’ll explain the if-things-were-different statement one day. Just know that if my life hadn’t taken the path it did, I wouldn’t have ever considered doing this. I’m not cut out for it. I was born with the succeed-at-work gene, not the mommy gene. So many women are good at this and natural at this. I’m not one of them. I admire them very much, trust me. My mom is that way. Not me. But because things are the way they are, this is how it had to be in order for me to have a family. I feel like we’re all challenged in different ways and this is the thing in my life that required me to step out of my box and live life differently than what felt natural to me.  Working 80 hours a week, pulling 15 hour work days…that would have been natural for me.

I’m reading a book right now titled, “I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood.” So far, I can really relate. Plus, it’s funny and I like to laugh. While I knew this was going to be hard for me, I will admit that I had all sorts of “ideas” before I was a mom. Yeah, not so much. But I’m figuring this out as I go.

Yesterday was our three-months-home anniversary and as I was sitting in the rocking chair with Mattix in my arms, sleeping very un-peacefully because his rest was constantly interrupted by coughing fits, I thought about our three months together. I thought a lot about how I was scared as hell after we met him. I mean really scared. I’m not even sure anyone knew how scared I was. Mattix was supposed to come home much earlier and I kept thinking about whether we were ever going to be “okay.” Stupid thoughts, really, because kids from countries all over the world come home at his age and older, but back then, most families going to VN to adopt infants brought home six month olds. We brought home a nearly one year old child. I loved him immediately, I wanted to give him the world, but I was afraid that he was never going to “take” to us. He wouldn’t let us hold him when we met him. He laughed a lot, never cried and was “happy” but it didnt’ take us long to see that those were all survival skills. He clearly had not formed even a slight bond with anyone. It wasn’t that we had to work to replace someone. We had to work to show him that we were the first people to care about him.

He went through a lot of phases, all of them expected, but they were still hard. His bitch slapping phase was a tough one, mostly because I was able to see his anger and it broke my heart. I blogged about it so if you’re bored, you read through the earlier entries and find it. He would look me in the eye and slap me across the face. I wasn’t surprised. I expected lots of things. But it made my heart hurt to think about what he was going through and what he had been through. He went through the phase where he would kick the shit out of me when I rocked him to sleep. I had to physically restrain him while he kicked and hit.

It’s only been three months and so much of this seems like a distant memory. I recall our wait to travel much more vividly than I recall our first month at home. Mattix worked through so much so quickly. Much more quickly than I EVER anticipated. I know I say this a lot, but I didn’t have any expectations of him. I wanted him to move at his own pace. I didn’t want him to behave a certain way because he was sensing my expectations of that. I told him “no” when he hit, but only to let him know that he couldn’t hit because it hurts and was physical, which isn’t okay (he also hit the dogs for a brief period). He took to throwing his arms up and down and grunting and yelling to express his frustration in place of hitting and I never once tried to make him stop. I knew he needed to work through is feeling on his own terms. And he did. Far more quickly than I ever imagined.

He started showing affection so soon. Now, he’s the most loving little boy. He loves on Ed and I all the time, and now my mom gets it pretty regularly. The way he looks into my eyes, grabs my face, kisses me, and hugs me makes me cry. Every time I take him out of the car seat, he is so happy to see me.  His smile, his squeals, the kisses. I can’t even explain it. I hadn’t thought about the hitting much until the past few days. It’s hard to even remember because he’s so affectionate…and it’s sincere. Mattix has the best nature. He’s so laid back, he’s freaking hilarious, he’s very smart, he’s observant, he’s loving and sweet, and ooohhhh, he has a temper like his momma.

So, yeah, the past three months have been amazing, overwhelming, and hard all at once. I have patience that I never, ever, ever believed I would have had. I’ve felt more love than I ever though I was capable of feeling, and I’ve felt more lonely than I’ve ever felt in my life. But experiencing Mattix for just three shorts months has been, by far, the most amazing time of my life.

And so my post that was going to be a quick one about the past few days has turned into a novel that is all over the place. Sorry. I’m tired, okay?! I just went back and added the last bit to the title to more aptly capture what I ended up writing about. OhMyGosh, is this my life? Cleaning ass and not brushing my teeth? Yup, it is. But it’s pretty neat, actually. The world’s coolest kid, who can rock a pretty awesome faux hawk, by the way, is sorta sleeping down the hall and *I* get to help raise him. (Seriously…he LOVED it when I brushed his hair and put hair spray in it today. He picked up the bottle when I was done and tried to add a little more. How funny is he?) I may have to clean ass, but I also get to be on the receiving end of the loves, the smiles, and the laughter. I may not be a natural, but I’m doing my best.

We’re Baaacccckkkk!

We made it home on Friday evening. I honestly think Mattix was even happier than I was to be home. He came into the house, looked around and oriented himself, then went nuts! He was so happy to have his “regular” toys back. It was very interesting to see how much he’s changed and grown in the past month. He was particularly interested in his toys that were a little too “advanced” for him before we left, and he went after some of the old ones as though he has always known what to do with them (when in fact he didn’t have a clue before we left). He pulled out all of his shape sorter toys and just started shoving the different shaped blocks into the correct holes (you know, the triangle, the circle, etc.). It was pretty cool to watch, actually, because before, he showed no interest. I know I have not been away from him at all, but it almost seems like it because in an instant, I saw how much he grew up. He’s now into drawers that he couldn’t reach or didn’t care about. He acts like they’re old news.  And he’s totally Captain Destruct-o (that’s what Ed calls him now) because his attention span is shorter with things that used to hold it for a long time. He takes everything apart and makes HUGE messes in no time.  Pretty cool and a little sad at the same time. My baby’s growing up so much and so fast.

Poor little man finally got sick. He’s such a tough baby; it’s hard to know exactly how sick he is. I’m guessing he is this way because he had to fend for himself for so long. I have a feeling he feels even worse than he lets on. He started getting really sick on Saturday and began crying more than usual. The reason we can tell he’s definitely sick (you know, besides the 103 degree fever) is because he refuses to be set down and is SO clingly and loving. I now get it when parents *admit* that although they do not want their kids sick, a sorta benefit is the “lovey” baby. Mattix has clung on to Ed and I since he got sick. He’s SO cuddly and loving while he seeks comfort from us. It’s pretty endearing. Oh yeah, and for the first time ever, he doesn’t have much of an appetite. Like his mommy, this boy loves his food. So, like me, when he refuses to eat, you KNOW it’s bad! Thank goodness he’s still really into his formula because he’s been getting the majority of his nutrition and fluids that way since Saturday. And I almost forgot…he’s sleeping a lot during the day. So yeah, he’s really sick – no eating and lots of sleeping during the day.

Even though I knew he had a virus, I still took him to the doctor today. I looked in his ears and throat and I knewhe didn’t have an infection, but I’ve gotta be paranoid mom, right?! So off we went. He is such an amazing little guy. He let both the med student AND the doctor look in his ears, shove the tongue depressor into his mouth until he gagged, and listen to his chest without making a peep. He just held onto me tightly and stared them down. And the best part is that he wouldn’t go to the doctor. Sounds strange, so let me explain. Often, Mattix will reach out to strangers as though he wants them to hold him. He even leans in towards them sometimes and points. I always just assumed that if the person would take him, Mattix would go for it. So today, when he was reaching for the doctor, leaning in, pointing at him, and grunting at him, the doctor said, “Okay, little guy. I’ll take ya!” and reached out for him. Mattix snapped back faster than I could follow, held tightly onto me, and looked at the doctor like he had the plague. He was NOT going to him, period. That was so reassuring.

I ended up getting even sicker this weekend. I spent most of it in bed or on the couch while Ed held Mattix, so all of our massively packed, over-sized suitcases are half unpacked ALL over the house. It’s terrible. We have a mountain of dry cleaning spread across the bedroom floor.  I think I finally need to accept defeat and go to the doctor tomorrow because I just keep getting worse and I’m pretty sure we’ve reached infection stage at this point. Ugh.

Anyway, coming home after being gone for a month is exhausting! Glad to be home, but so much to do. The mail pile was nauseating. I have a few cute photos that I’ll try to post tomorrow. For now, I need to get as much done as possible while Mattix sleeps and try to get a little sleep myself. I’m trying to catch up on blogs; it’s amazing how far behind you get after just four days!  I hope you had a great weekend!

This and that

First and foremost, my IRL friend Katy finally rec’d approval to travel for her daughter…and she’s leaving tomorrow! I asked her if it was okay for me to link to her and she said yes. So, if you’d like to follow her journey in VN, she’s blogging it at Journey to Me. You can click here to follow along. Katy has experienced significant heartbreak during her adoption process.  Her first daughter referred to her, Sophia, passed away unexpectedly in the orphanage two months after Katy received her referral. This, however, is a very happy time, as Katy is about to meet Yen and become a mommy! She’s going to be great at it, too.

On an opposite note, I know this is a difficult time for Vietnam adoptions.  I too am very disappointed and saddened by the current situation and am doing my best to remain optimistic, but it is difficult. Everyone is in my thoughts right now and I’m hoping for the best.

 I was bummed today because I had plans with a friend of a friend – both the friend and the friend of the friend are Vietnam APs. My friend Kathy from home gave me her friend’s info, as she lives here in DC, and I was very excited to meet her. She was going to show Mattix and I around the VNese community here. Unfortunately, I felt horrible last night and had to cancel. I’m still not over not being able to meet her, but now I’ll definitely be back with Ed so we can meet up.

Mattix and I were lucky enough to meet Katherine, who is waiting for Tori,  for dinner. She drove all the way to our temporary ‘hood, which was really nice b/c I am not feeling well.  We had a really great time, even though I felt badly because Mattix was NOT on good dinner behavior. Seriously, this kid is so good at restaurants but tonight he was a little bugger. He has never misbehaved quite so much, despite Katherine being really nice and telling me how good he was! When I came home and told Ed how Mattix was “clearing” the table with his arms and throwing food on the floor, he didn’t believe me. Don’t worry – I’m not one of those parents that thinks every last one of my kid’s less-than-desirable behaviors is a reflection on my parenting skills. I was actually just selfishly annoyed because it made it hard to visit with her! Anyway, it was fun and Katherine is very nice, just as you’d expect from her blog; it was great to meet her in person because I’ve followed her blog since she started it. I’m very optimistic that she’ll receive her I600 approval in the next few weeks.

Today, I had an embarrassing moment. My cough is pretty nasty, particularly in the morning, evening, and when I “exert” myself. These days, getting out of bed is an exertion because I have gotten SO out of shape (haven’t been to the gym since I left home, plus another three weeks before that) and I’ve eaten out at least once, usually twice, a day for four weeks and for some reason, being away from home equates to free access to dessert after every meal, or in lieu of a meal if I’m so inclined. Gross. Anyway, I still feel like crap and I wasn’t all hopped up on Sud*fed because I was saving that for meeting Katherine for dinner so I didn’t scare her away. (The man voice was enough, right? I didn’t need to further frighten her with a hacking cough and snot nose.) Anyway, I had to “run” a few errands today and one of them involved walking up a steep hill to get to a Kin*o’s to fax something. The hill really is steepand pushing Mattix in his stroller made it difficult.  About halfway up, I thought I might pass out. Stop judging me. It was a really steep hill, okay?  I was huffing and puffing and sweating like a pig (did I mention it was warmer than usual here and I was still dressed for the really cold weather?), hacking my lungs up because they are filled to the brim with fluid, and snotting everywhere. Somehow, by some miracle, I made it to the top. But it wasn’t pretty. Thank goodness I came across an office store about three blocks before the Kin*o’s. I burst through the door, nose dripping, coughing like I had TB, and asked the man behind the counter to please fax my papers. He looked at me the same way I look at people who are sick – like he wanted to back away, very quickly, and not touch anything within a three foot radius of the epicenter of infection (me). I realized that my nose was literally starting to drip. down. my. face.  I dug through my purse and found….nothing. I forgot tissues. So I used a baby wipe. Pathetic. I had baby wipe film all over that space between my upper lip and nose and I was still huffing and puffing. Anyway, the look of horror on this man’s face was serious. I know that look; I give it to sick people from whom I want to get away. I’m going to be popular on the FIVE hour plane ride tomorrow, no?

Speaking of which, we’re leaving tomorrow morning! I am VERY excited about that. The “I want to go home” bug finally hit this week, probably because I’m pretty sick and I just want to be home and also because my mom left and I miss her. Sad, huh? She’s been gone two days and I really, really miss her.  You’re probably wondering how I made it through four years of college in another city and three years of law school in another state. I sometimes wonder that myself. We had large phone bills.

And finally, the best news is that we don’t have to do this again in San Francisco as we had anticipated. I LOVE San Francisco and would love to spend a few weeks there again, as I used to visit pretty regularly but haven’t been in almost two years. HOWEVER, I do not want to spend another four (or six) weeks away from home right now and I’m glad that it is not necessary.

 Next time I post, it will be from HOME!

The stink arm…

…not to be confused with the stink eye. The stink eye belongs to Mattix. The stink arm apparently belongs to me.

My next post is going to be very self-involved and whiny, so if you’re not interested (and I totally understand), only read this one and skip the next, which will be up tomorrow. In an effort to ”even” out my self-pity in advance, I’m going to share a disgusting story with you. We’ve had the worst luck with poo since we first met Mattix. I think I’ve blogged at least half of our nasty poo stories, beginning with the first  and then, the far worse second, in Vietnam, and lots more since returning home. I dont know. Is it just me?  Maybe everyone has this happen to them way too often, but they have stronger stomachs. Either way, it’s just not good for me. I don’t like poo, I have a weak stomach, and Mattix seems to have perfected the art of explosive, high quantity, horrifying poos.

 The other day, I was laughing hysterically at my friend Karen, who finally got the adorable Kahi’s nasty doody in her wedding ring. Don’t worry, I’m not totally mean. Karen spent lots of time laughing at me, too. So I thought we were all even on Karma. As it turns out, we must not be. (Karen: do not laugh at this or it’s going to happen to you again, then I’ll laugh at you, and the cycle will just continue!) My mom and I are very sick right about now. Whatever this is, it’s nasty. Mattix is either coming down with it or he’s very understanding of my desire to stay in bed, because for the second time ever, he slept through the night last night, and once again, slept in until 9:00, missing his normal wake-up call by THREE hours. When he woke up, we came out of our bedroom and found my mom drinking coffee. She had just woken up about twenty minutes earlier. Like I said, we’re both pretty sick and sick people like to stay in bed late.  My mom had to pack because she was leaving. (I’m so bummed about that, BTW. I actually cried when she left this afternoon and I still feel down tonight.  How lame is that? We’re going home in a few days as well, she’s picking us up at the airport, and I still cried!)

Anyway, because my mom had to pack, she told me to leave Mattix in the living room with her and rest a bit longer. I did not sleep much or well last night, so I took her up on the offer to go back to my room and lie down for a few hours. When I got back up, I came out and picked Mattix up, who was still in his jammies. I held him and he and I chatted for a good half an hour. He’s very talkative right now and I love it. He just chatters away. During our lengthy “conversation,” my right forearm, the one sorta under his butt/across his back, started to feel damp and squishy. I wondered why. I should have known. I pulled my arm away, but didn’t see anything. I thought maybe he had wet through his diaper and I had pee on my arm. Wishful thinking. I really have no sense of smell right now. Can you see where this is going?

In one of my stupider moves, I held my forearm about an eighth of an inch from my red, crusty, chapped nose and took a big, long, snotty whiff. Then I almost passed out. Somehow my dead sense of smell came alive and I inhaled the scent of doody that had apparently worked its way into my SKIN. There was no actual poo on my arm, just the lovely scent. Eau de Mattix’s Crap.

I  flipped Mattix over, which is what I should have done in the first place, and almost died. Half of his back was BROWN. I called my mom over and she about died, too. It was becoming pretty apparent that this wasn’t a “new” deposit. That bad boy had been squishin’ around for a while, apparently migrating while I held him, but because my mom couldn’t smell either, she didn’t know. For all I know, he probably did his business shortly after we woke up. I changed his diaper right away when we got out of bed this morning; my mom assumed that over the course of the two hours I was asleep, he wasn’t wet again. And Mattix apparently doesn’t feel the need to notify anyone when his diaper is dirty. I don’t get it. All I’m sayin’ is that if THAT mess had come out of my hiney and I were relying on someone to clean it up, the entire floor of this building would have known within three minutes of its exit. But no, not my little guy. Oh no. He likes to keep that stuff top secret and let me find out for myself using my well developed super sleuth skills.

So it was really apparent that it wasn’t going to be good, but I didn’t know it was going to be as bad as it was. See, he was in his footise jammies. I laid him down on the floor and unzipped him. As you may well know, the zipper on footise jammies starts at the neck and ends at one of the feet. During the unzipping process, no less than three CHUNKS of poo flew out. I don’t mean fell out, dropped out, slid out, I mean FLEW out. I’m a quick unzipp-er, I guess, and during my overzealous unzipping, the s*it almost hit the fan, literally. My mom jumped back about three feet and cracked up. Apparently, her being sick had diminished her generosity, because unlike the other day, she was not takin’ one for the team today. I guess a piece of corn under her nail is all she can take in a two week period.

She went and got a few pieces of NEWSPAPER, spread them on the carpet, and helped me move Mattix onto them. I was trying to get out some of my disposable changing pads, but she wasn’t budging. She insisted the newspaper was necessary. Sometimes mom knows best – and I don’t mean me. By the time we actually got the jammies off, it was apparent how bad things were. No amount of wiping with baby wipes was going to help. I know because I tried. That stuff was crusted on him. Chunks, huge chunks, lots of chunks, were falling onto the newspaper, but the “base coat” wasn’t going anywhere.  G-R-O-S-S. What we did next made me wish I was leaving today, too. We put Mattix in the bathtub and proceeded to rinse him with warm water while SCRAPING it off of his body with a washcloth. Unfortunately, Mattix ate a nice array of adult food yesterday at lunch – all sorts of fruits and veggies. Get the idea? Yeah, I don’t need to go into more detail.

And because it just wasn’t enough, after his bath, I wrapped him up in his fluffy, soft baby towel that I had washed yesterday (the washing machine in our apt. is SO small that one towel is just about an entire load, so laundry isn’t something I do for fun here). As I was carrying him into our bedroom to find some new clothes, my entire side got nice and warm. And wet. Yeah, he peed all down my side and leg. So I got a shower too, but not before I scrubbed the tub.

I swear, it may be in my head, but I KNOW my arms still smells like doody. And I’ve showered twice today.

Ladies of the Round Table, biting, and weekend fun

First of all, I’m very excited to be a part of a new collaborative women’s discussion group, Ladies of the Round Table. Melinda of CraftyMommy came up with this great idea, organized everything, and got it up and running. I am looking forward to writing about the monthly topics (I’m sure I’ll have lots to say, no surprise) and reading all of the posts from the smart women who are contributing. Definitely check it out!  I’m trying to put the button on the side of my blog, but I am SO unbelievably technically challenged; Melinda is going to help me later.

Next, a mindless update of our weekend with some gratuitous photos. We all went to Baltimore on Saturday and enjoyed an afternoon at the National Aquarium in Baltimore. We also walked around the surrounding area, which was really fun, but it was rainy and….wait for it…………………………………………ridiculously cold!!! The Aquarium was neat, much better than the National Aquarium here in DC. They don’t allow you to take a stroller around the aquarium because it is so crowded. I was a little worried, just because Mattix gets squirmy now everywhere; we have to switch things up: carry him for an hour, put him in the stroller for an hour, carry him for an hour… I was bummed as I checked the stroller in, but found out that they lend backpack carriers. Mattix totally loved it. It was great. He actually enjoyed the aquarium. He hung out in the backpack carrier for three hours and didn’t complain a bit. In fact, he was really into the different aquariums, especially the sharks. We watched the Dolphin Show at the end, but I have to complain about it. What a letdown! I decided the trainers and the dolphins must be lazy or something because they really didn’t do anything exciting and kept showing “educational” videos. WTH? I didn’t get Mattix to sit still with crackers, juice, and tons of knee bouncing so I could see educational videos on how to train a dolphin. SeaWorld rocks. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Here are the gratuitous photos from Saturday:

{I told Ed to turn sideways so that I could catch a shot of the two of them in front of the shark tank….and this is what I get.  If you look really carefully, you can see Mattix’s ARM. Seriously! Worried about being upstaged by your son, anyone?!}

{He did take a cute one of the two of them, mug shot style, by holding the camera out in front of him}

By Saturday evening, I was becoming really, really sick. On Sunday, I woke up a snotty mess with horrible body aches. When I get sick, it often settles into my weak areas, which are my joints. On Sunday, my knees, wrists, and ankles hurt so badly it was very painful to get out of bed. My mom was also coming down with it, but she had a “lighter” version of it. So unfortunately, I had to stay home on Sunday while my mom, Ed, and Mattix went to Mt. Vernon, George Washington’s estate. I was bummed! I had been looking forward to that, but you can’t have it all, right?! They had a really nice time and it sounds like a neat place. Oh well, next time…

Gratuitous photos of their fun on Sunday:

{Mattix and my mom}

{Mattix, apparently getting over his grass aversion}

Today (Monday), although I still felt like crap, I woke up at Mattix’s appointed time, 6:00 a.m., and dragged myself out of bed. My mom was very generous, as she has been since we’ve been here, and watched Mattix for an hour and a half while I went back to bed at 8:00. Then we got ready and headed out. If you read our travel journal while we were in Vietnam, you might remember how I took a DayQ*il for the first and last time. Well, today I took a Sud*fed. Actually, I took multiple doses of Sud*fed. I do not ever take cold medication because it doesn’t agree with my body. Growing up, I never, ever, ever took a single cold dose of medicine because it was contraindicated in Type I diabetics. As an adult, the first time I took one was when I was really, super sick and had to go to California for a law school honors welcome reception a few months before we moved. I mean I was good and sick, had been in and out of the ER for a few weeks, had been given lots of IV antibiotics, was on strong oral antibiotics, and thought I might keel over at any minute. I know, generous of me to get on a plane (although I don’t believe I was contagious at that point).We already had the tickets, the hotel reservation, and my parents were flying out as well. So I took two Sud*fed. Holy crap! I thought I was going to open the emergency door and jump out of the plane. All I want to know is how people actually use the crys*al me*h that this stuff is used to make?!?!  The Sud*fed make me crazy. And that reminds me. Why do I feel like a criminal buying that stuff? I understand the law and the reason for it, but I felt all illicit and guilty buying the stuff today, like everyone is looking at me, thinking I’m going to go home and cook some m*th in the basement. So maybe it’s in my head, but whatever, it freaks me out.

My mom, Mattix and I  went to lunch at a nicer restaurant (finally!) and Mattix did well. I can’t say the same for the white tablecloth, but in our defense, we did give a plate the old college try! Mattix just isn’t ready for plates; they must look like food launchers. I have a feeling the tablecloth became a giant cleaning rag. We ran a few errands and I picked up another piece of luggage. I’m pretty worried that even with this new giant piece of luggage, we won’t have enough space to get everything home! Which reminds me: we’re coming home on FRIDAY! I am so excited. I’ve really enjoyed my time here, but I’m very ready to go home. And my mom leaves tomorrow (after extending her stay multiple times). I’ve gotten used to spending all of my time with her and it’s going to be hard the next few days.

Anyway, by the time we got home this evening, I was going crazy! I was running around here, all hyperactive, hopped up on Sud*fed, picking up, cleaning, frantically doing laundry. I was all, “IHaveToCleanTheSink. TheSinkIsDirty. LotsOfLaundry. IHaveToDoLaundry.”  I was probably a few minutes from being tied down. I hope it wears off by the time I go to bed!

Finally, and most importantly, any and all advice here would be appreciated! Mattix bit me today. TWICE. It totally caught me off guard both times. Mattix’s doctor actually warned me at our appointment just before we left that he might give that one a try soon based on his age. This morning, he was standing next to my bed after my nap (yeah, my nap, not his) and he came over to give me a hug and kiss. He grabbed my hand and held it to his face (he does that to show affection as well). He kissed my hand, rubbed it into his cheek, and then clamped down on my pinkie! It hurt! He didn’t break skin, but I have a nice double tooth mark and a bruise on the top of my knuckle. I was honestly shocked so it took me a second to react. I said, “Mattix, NO!” sternly and looked him in the eye, but that was it. Well, it wasn’t enough because tonight at dinner, I walked around the table to get him out of his high chair and put his jacket on. He reached up to let me know that he wanted a hug and kiss.  He gave me the nicest loves (that’s what we call hugs and kisses). I was thinking how sweet it was and all and then BAM! He BIT. MY. NOSE! Not even kidding. He twisted his little head and clamped down on either side. That really hurt, but I was quicker to react. I took his face in my hands firmly, looked him in the eye, and said, ”NO. DO NOT BITE, MATTIX. NO!” I forced him to look at me for a minute. That’s what did the trick with the hitting, which, by the way, was pleasant compared to this. He did not like it at all and started bawling. And not his little fake cry. He was seriously upset.  I’m sure all of the people in the restaurant were questioning my mommy skills. I don’t yell at him ever, and I did not yell tonight, but I did raise my voice and it was louder than it usually is. I am SO not going to have a biter. Sorry. I’m drawing the line in the sand on this one. (Then, of course, I started to feel terrible and was worried he wouldn’t give me loves any more, but I know that’s not rational.) Anyway, any advice? My mom said that’s what she would have done and she’s pretty much Super Mom, but I’m definitely open to other approaches. She said that my brother only tried it once and I never did (seriously, I’ve been perfect my whole damn life – ha ha ha). I really hope this is just a try-it-out phase. I gave him a bit of a pass on the hitting because we were newly home and I know he was definitely showing some anger. Not a pass as in I allowed it, but I wasn’t as firm and I allowed for ample time to get through it, although the hitting only lasted a few weeks, much to my surprise. This, however, has nothing to do with adoption adjustment and I firmly believe he would do this if he had been with us since birth.  Thoughts, please? 

Okay, enough babbling. Definitely check out the Ladies of the Round Table. I’m working on a post for this month’s topic myself and I know there will be posts from the other great ladies going up soon.

A few cute sink bath photos of my little biter:

{He is not messing around with that tummy. Mattix would make a great Santa Clause!}

{Loves his baths!}