Ever feel like you really messed up?

‘Cause that’s how I feel right now. I don’t think Ed should have left a week before us. Mattix is clearly upset by his absence. Our nights are back to what they used to be and he wakes up crying his eyes out every morning. It takes me a long while to calm him down. And being up all night alone isn’t easy on me and I know Mattix can sense my exhaustion. Today he took a nap because he was that worn out (so did I!).  He woke up so upset that I didn’t even know what to do for him. He wanted to be held (which is great), but he didn’t want his bottle and didn’t want to hold still. The best I could do was rock him and let him throw himself around on my lap and in my arms. An hour into it, I actually broke out the ice cream. I know, you can judge, but I was desperate. And guess what? It worked. He finally calmed down. So I take that back – I won’t be judged. Just kidding.

The past few days have been pretty tough. He’s back to sucking down bottles like they’re going out of style. I’ve had to water down the forumla b/c he is drinking so many again. With the exception of yesterday afternoon, when he was more of himself while we were out running errands, he’s been out of sorts. Of course, my mom was with us yesterday, which I think helps a little because she’s the third very consistent person in Mattix’s life. She’s obviously not around Mattix as much as Ed and I, but she’s definitely a constant presence and Mattix likes her a lot.

 That leads me to some good news. My mom is coming out to DC with Mattix and I for the first eleven days. Yay! First of all, I’m excited to have her there b/c my mom and I always have lots of fun together, but second, and very selfishly, I’m very relieved. Given that Mattix is having such a hard time, I was getting increasingly anxious about traveling alone with him. That and the fact that I had NO idea how I was going to juggle everything we need to take with us alone.  Plus, if the nights keep up like this, it will be nice to have my mom there so I can steal a nap or two during the day. I’m already worn out. Given my last set of labs, I can’t get much more worn out than this and still be okay.

 Anyway, back to feeling like I messed up…I’m feeling very guilty. Ed is very involved in Mattix’s life. During the last week, as he was phasing out of his prior job, he was around Mattix a lot. And during the week I was really sick, Ed spent tons of time with Mattix. Even though I was sick, I spent lots of time with him, too, but Ed was there the whole time – up at night, first thing in the morning, bedtime, and in between. Obviously this situation is very temporary this week – as in six days temporary – but Mattix doesnt’ know that. All he knows is that one of the two people who have been here for the past two months is gone, and I feel sick about it. I so wish we hadn’t stayed here this week, but I had a few doctors appointments I couldn’t really miss and Mattix’s one year is tomorrow, and I really didn’t want him to wait a month and a half for it. He’s just about caught up on vaccines and I didn’t want to delay them.

As of right now, I’m not sure what we’re going to do about coming home at some point. I can’t really stay there the entire six weeks, as my best friend is being induced on Sunday and I can’t wait six weeks to meet her baby. Bad timing, huh? Plus, I scheduled a few more appointments early March that I really need to make. So, as of right now, Mattix and I are going to try to come home for a few days, but we’ll just have to see how things go. Now, not only have we upset the people in his life, we’re going to upset his environment, too. Guilt, guilt, guilt!

Anyway, I finally had a few minutes and instead of packing, what did I do? Blog!  This is the first time today he’s wanted to be set down on the floor to play with his toys and the dogs. We’re not even packed at all b/c our last few days have been like this and the nights are all consuming. I do have his travel diaper bag packed, so that’s a start, right?! Plus, I’m finished shopping for and buying everything that I needed to get before we left. We’re buying lots of Mattix’s stuff once we’re there (diapers, formula, food, pack n’ play, etc.), but I had a lot of things to pick up, like, oh I don’t know…warm clothes! We don’t need the kind of clothes here that we will in DC, so Mattix and I both were quite unprepared for the trip! Ed told me that the streets froze over last night after it rained and that on the way home from dinner, people fell a few times b/c it was so slippery. The good news is that b/c it’s in the 70’s here right now, I caught all of the end-of-season sales for both of us. I scored four cashmere sweaters from Ann Taylor yesterday for $29.99 each that were normally $148! And some great cashmere scarves, marked down to $19.99 from $78. Not bad. Mattix now owns some seriously cute mittens and hats, along with tons of great sweaters.  I found a few complete Gymboree winter outfits at the regular store. Each complete outfit was under $30! All of his stuff was seriously on sale, too. So that’s the good news!

I’d better get some things done while this little independent moment is happening. I’m not sure it’s going to last all that long….