Why Don’t People Talk About the Hard Parts?

That has been my question since I started reading adoption blogs over a year ago. (By hard parts, I mean the hard parts after everyone is home and the fantasy becomes a reality.) Every once in a while, I’ll come across a blog that touches on it, or one where someone acknowledges the difficult “transition time,” but that acknowledgment often comes well after it’s over.  I have a lot of theories and I’ve even read some explanations. I’ve heard that some are concerned b/c they want to adopt again and are worried that if their SW or agency ever read about their challenges, it might negatively affect a subsequent adoption. I’ve heard that people don’t feel comfortable sharing such personal, intimate information on the ‘net. *I* think that some may be concerned that their children will access it one day way down the road (can you imagine what the Internet will be like in 15 years?!) and they don’t want their kids to read about the not-so-fun parts.

 All of these are great reasons, really. We’re planning to adopt again in the future, so I can see how one might be concerned about a SW reading such detailed information. And for sure, I’m a privacy freak. It has taken me almost two years to start a blog. Actually, one year. I became blog obsessed after our referral and have sat down to start one 100 times but lost my nerve every time. And the third reason is my own. 

However, all of these reasons still aren’t compelling enough to stop me from writing what I’m about to write (either tonight or in a new post tomorrow, depending on how long this gets).  I truly hope that if my social worker were to read this blog that it wouldn’t interfere with our family’s ability to continue to grow through international adoption. I would actually be disgusted if that were the case. Granted, it’s probably not necessary to spill your guts and every last detail of your life to your social worker, but I would certainly hope that a well educated, reasonable SW would appreciate ones ability to be honest and work through the adjustment period.  Anyone who insists that there is not some measure of difficulty during the adjustment period, even if said adjustment period is short, is suspect in my book.

Second, as I mentioned, I am a HUGE privacy freak. Huge.  I was up for hours last night, debating with myself over whether or not to keep this blog. I password protected our travel journal b/c I was so worried about who might read it. Probably a little silly. I mean, really, who cares all that much about what I have to say, right? I’m sure not that many people, so I’m trying to work through those issues. My husband has been on me to let up about it a bit, but it’s still hard. One of our travel mates told me I have “lawyer issues.” (And you know you’re probably totally correct, Karen!) At this point, I still have our travel journal PW protected. If I become even more crazy and wild over time, I’ll probably open it up because, again, who’s really going to read it? So, anyway, my point is that I do understand the concern about sharing such personal thoughts on the ‘net.

Finally, I’ve put a lot of thought and consideration into the possibility that my son will use google, or whatever future program will be out there in ten years, and find this. But then I really thought about it, and realized that I’ll be willing to share this blog with him one day (when he’s much older) if he is interested. Nobody glossed over my life for me. Certainly nobody made me feel like crap, but I sure as hell didn’t enter adulthood thinking that my first 18 years with my parents were one continuous vacation for them, either, because raising kids IS hard, whether biological or adopted, and there ARE challenges for every parent. I knew that even though I was a good kid (really, I was a good kid), I also presented all sorts of challenges. I also knew that my parents loved (hopefully still love) me very much and that I’m a very, very significant part of their lives. For every challenge in parenting, there are countless rewards. And that’s what makes it such an amazing journey. But that doesn’t mean that the challenges must be buried in a closet. At least I don’t think so. Life is a journey, one (hopefully) long learning experience, full of ups and downs. We all learn from each other. But it’s hard to learn sometimes when we only share the good stuff.

And so that is why I started this blog. Really, that’s the motivation that I finally needed to start a blog: to share honestly about our post-adoption experiences. The good, the better, the best, and the sometimes difficult ones. I wrote my very first blog entry last night with the intention of posting a personal journal entry I wrote just for myself a few days ago later this week. Jen at Mindful Musings posted the following: http://www.mindfulmusings.wordpress.com/2008/01/02/finally-jens-resolutiontoday addressing the very topic that I think is so important. Random timing – I’m glad to know I’m not the only one. (Throw me a bone on the whole no-link situation here. I messed with it for half an hour and am either really slow or something’s not working correctly. I’ve given up for now. If you’re good at that (translation: if you’re remotely intelligent, unlike myself), please send me an email or leave a comment and HELP. I tried to follow wordpress’ instructions, but you see where that got me. )

And finally, I don’t want to sound all somber and down; this isn’t exactly how I envisioned my second ever blog post to sound (actually, I didn’t really ever envision anything, so I’m full of crap, but you know what I mean). If you read my travel journal, you’ll know that I’m pretty light hearted, painfully sarcastic, not too serious, and (I hope) somewhat positive.  But I’m also realistic, and if I don’t write some of this now, the memories will fade with time and I’ll end up glossing over this, just like so many people, because that’s what we do. That’s what we have to do in life. But with any luck, we learn as we go. 

 This did get longer than I expected (I think you’ll have to get used to that if you intend to continue reading my verbal diarrhea in the future; my mom accused me of being “really wordy” in my travel journal), so I’ll post more tomorrow.  Happy New Year to every one. May 2008 bring all adoptive and prospective adoptive families good news and good times.