Sick, sick, sick!

So guess what I got for complaining about my day on Monday? Good and sick! Learn from me; you shouldn’t complain b/c it can always get worse! I went to bed at midnight on Tuesday just fine and woke up at 2:00 a.m. (just two hours after falling asleep) super sick. I’ve had a 101 degree fever, body aches, sore throat, runny nose, etc. The whole nine yards. I’m actually surprised it has taken me this long to get this sick, considering how poorly I’ve been taking care of myself these past two months.

 I went to the doctor today for a completely unrelated (scheduled months ago) physical, but the timing worked out b/c what was probably a virus has turned into a super nasty infection that needs antibiotics. After my doctor reviewed my labs, I took a good scolding about caring for myself more and not ignoring my body. I hope Mattix was listening, because until he learns to sleep at least a little more consistently during the night, I’m not sure that much is going to change.

My doctor is awesome and has been incredible during our entire adoption journey. She was so pleased that Mattix is finally home with us. She asked a lot of questions about Mattix and his first ten months in the orphanage, and as I was talking about him, I started crying and couldn’t stop.  I’m obviously very overtired and sick (I haven’t been this sick in a few years, and trust me, if anyone knows sick, it’s me -more on that in another post), but putting into words the way I feel about him was incredibly emotional for me. I’m humbled by him every day. I can’t get over how far he’s come in such a short period of time.

I’ve alluded to the fact that I think his time in the orphanage was less than desirable – obviously…none of us expect our kiddos to have had a great beginning, but I feel like Mattix had it really, really rough. If you could have known the child we brought home and the child that we have today, you wouldn’t be able to reconcile the two. I’ve had an incredibly hard time accepting the fact that he should have been home with us at five or six months of age, and instead didn’t meet us until he was ten months old. That’s an additional four or five months of substandard institutionalization that he was forced to endure, and the effect it had upon him was and continues to be incredibly profound. When we returned home, after I had my meltdown(s), I accepted the fact that we were in for a very long, tough road as a family. Long before we traveled to VN, I feel like I prepared myself for many of the challenges of adoption and adjustment. However, once we were home, I was surprised by how much more difficult it was. I guess I didn’t take into account that we would be bringing home a nearly one-year old child, not a five or six month old infant. Not in a million years would I have expected him to be where he is today, just six short weeks after coming home.

This week, Mattix has began giving hugs to our shoulder or face. He likes to grab a hold of each of my cheeks gently, pull my face into his chest, and hold on for a second. When he pushes away, his entire face lights up with the most amazing smile I’ve ever seen. He has started giving kisses on his own as well, and not only does he kiss Ed and I, he also kisses himself in the mirror. Oh yes, and he is kissing Slinky. That’s right – the dog that he used to beat the crap out of is now on the receiving end of his tongue-filled smooches. The good news is that Slinky is a tongue kisser, too, so they’re in good company with each other.

He no longer wakes up scared to death while in his car seat (the ONLY place he falls asleep during the day). When he used to fall asleep in his car seat, he would flip out when he woke up. He always had this gut wrenching look of terror on his face, his eyes were as wide as saucers, his head would whip left to right, and he would hold his breath. When he could finally catch his breath, he would cry or scream. Today he fell asleep in his car seat, woke up on his own, and just started babbling in the back seat. Even when we get home before he wakes up, and therefore have to wake him up ourselves, he usually opens his eyes, orients himself, and then smiles.

I’m so happy for him that he seems less angry lately. Once we were home, we were able to really see how much anger he had bottled up inside. I certainly didn’t expect him to just get over it for my convenience, as I know he has to work through his feelings himself (with our support, of course). He obviously gets as much time as he with no expectations from Ed or me. However, there is a very marked and noticeable difference in his feelings, at least the ones he is expressing. He no longer hits all of the time; in fact, he doesn’t hit much at all. If anything, he deals with his frustration with a few very pointed grunts. Trust me, I’m not saying my kid is never going to act out because, puh-leeze, I so know better. Kids go through phases. However, the initial anger that he had has dissipated tremendously. He’s not hitting the dogs or Ed and I much at all, and in fact, I honestly don’t remember the last time he hit either one of us, which means it’s been at least five days (that’s about the extent of my memory these days).

He is also much more comfortable in public. Ed and I were out to dinner the other day and he engaged in some serious flirting with not one, but two tables nearby. Up until that point, he would act as though there was nobody in the restaurant besides Ed and I. This past time, he was all about giving a table of ladies and another table of older folks the one-arm-in-the-air greeting, flirty smile, coy over-the-shoulder glances, and infectious giggles. There were two men and two women, all in their 70’s, at one the tables, and they were loving it. I can’t get over that this was the little one who, up until a few weeks ago, would literally stare past people as though they didn’t exist.

Diaper changes have literally gone from screaming, fighting, and yelling to very uneventful occurrences. That’s one thing that both Ed and I are selfishly grateful for because in the past, they were soooo difficult. And changing a diaper isn’t really one of those things you can avoid! In addition, instead of fighting us every time we undress and dress him, Mattix actually helps. He pushes his arms through sleeves and legs through pants. As long as you yell the whole, “Wwwwhhhheeeerrreeee’ssss Mattix’s (fill in body part – head, hand, foot, etc.)???” he laughs up a storm and as soon as his head, arm, or foot is through, he claps and screeches his happy screech. Oh yeah, he’s clapping again, but not in the performance sort of way (like he used to, before he completely quit clapping). He added it back in about a week ago, but it’s very different. He can point to our nose and his nose when you ask, “Where’s my/Mattix’s nose?” and when you say, “How big is Mattix?” he throws his arms up into the air, anticipating the “ssssooooooo big!” answer.

And he smiles. Man does he smile. All of the time. He smiles when we smile, he smiles when Ed or I come into the room, he smiles when we hand him something, he smiles when he eats (no big surprise there). With the exception of Monday, this kid is always smiling.  Today he smiled so much I’m surprised his cheeks didn’t freeze! I sound like a man I’m so horse and I’m coughing like I have TB, but I couldn’t help but laugh all day long, which of course just made the coughing worse. He does this adorable little smile where he throws his head way back, squints his eyes, and grins from ear to ear. His two bottom teeth one one partial top tooth show and it warms my heart every time.

And I think the most interesting change is that he’s no longer putting all of his effort into trying to walk. Based on his development when we first met him, we would have bet the house that he would be walking within a month. When we first came home, he would literally spend hours concentrating on standing up and balancing. He would just zone out and do it over and over and over. Then, after a few weeks, he quit. He instead began playing with his toys, interacting with Ed and I, and really torturing the dogs. While it may seem like a developmental setback, I’m incredibly pleased. He’s learning to just be. To be a regular almost-year old kid that has a family that loves him and toys that belong to him. And once again on a selfish note, I’m sort of glad b/c I was SO not ready for him to be running around. He’s sooo unbelievably active that it’s hard to keep up with him and he’s still one all fours!

I guess this kind of turned into a Mattix update, but as always, I’m amazed by him, and trying to talk about him today really made me again stop and think about how incredibly blessed all three of us are. Two months ago, Mattix wouldn’t even allow us to hold him. Today, he didn’t want to be set down. Mattix is still my super obstinate little man who does NOT like to be told no, who wants to do what he wants to do, and who likes to do things on his terms. That’s his personality and I love him just the way he is. However, his transitional progress is astounding and for that, I’m very appreciative. 

I’m going to wrap up this blog post (written in my bed) and suck down the adult version of liquid gold (Nyquil). Ed and I are pretty sure we’re going to have some really exciting/slightly scary news to share in the next few days. Also, when I’m no longer hacking up my lungs, I’m going to write a PW protected post so if you don’t yet have the PW and are interested, please leave a comment or email me. I don’t plan on doing that often, but there are a few things I’m not entirely comfortable sharing openly. And finally, I still have some super adorable photos, but I’m being honest when I say there’s not a chance I’m getting out of bed to get the memory card!

Not. My. Day.

Warning: I’m going to complain. A lot. I don’t consider myself a complainer, so I hope I don’t come across as one in most of my posts. I deal with life with sarcasm and humor, but I try not to bitch too much. However, today I’m going to complain because today was not my day.

Last night was my night, though, and I don’t mean in a good way. I mean my night “on.” This may come as a huge surprise, but it was another long one. (Side note: A few people have suggested we consider co-sleeping and I sincerely appreciate the suggestion. Honestly, I mean that. I’m always open to any and all advice you have to offer because, if you haven’t noticed, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing! We actually did try very, very hard to co-sleep.  I’ve been meaning to write about that b/c it’s another one of those things that has made me feel like a crappy parent. I had a mindset the opposite of a lot of parents: we were co-sleeping come hell or high water. We did it in VN, obviously, and for a few weeks once we were home. Unfortunately, Mattix throws himself around at night rather violently. He can often sleep through it unless he ”runs into” something or someone. When we were co-sleeping, he was constantly hitting Ed or I or the headboard, causing him to wake up. When he sleeps in his crib, if we put his feet up against one end, it takes him a little longer to scooch to the top, where he wakes himself up when his head touches the other end of the crib. Sometimes it takes a few hours, sometimes it takes 20 minutes, but it always takes longer than when he sleeps with us. We really tried, but found that he was even more exhausted the days following the nights that he slept in our bed. We also tried the Pack N’ Play in our room, but same thing. So, we ended up with the crib. While we were in VN, I actually wrote about how I was never going to put him in his crib. (“The idea of a crib for sleeping really bothers me (this is just my issue)…”) Yeah, well, that’s yet another thing I can’t get right!!!)

So, last night was a long one and I was obviously very tired today. And cranky! Even when I’m really tried, I consider myself to be a fairly happy person. But today? Not so much. I went to the lab this morning to have blood drawn, which is no big deal because I’ve had my blood drawn regularly since I was nine. However, today, for maybe the fourth time in my entire life (I’m talking almost monthly blood draws here), she managed to hit a nerve in my arm. Because I was so tired, I offered up my right arm, which I NEVER do just in case what happened today happens. Ugh. I can’t bend my arm much past 90 degrees without experiencing shooting pain, followed by dead arm. Not so good when you have to carry the little guy around and you’re right handed. That is so not a big deal. Seriously. Not at all. When we had our travel immunizations, the nurse doing those hit a nerve that ran down my arm and across my entire chest. I was in some serious pain for a week and it didn’t faze me, but because today was just not my day, it really hit a nerve. Ha ha ha, I’m so funny (or lame, depending on how you look at it…).

So that’s how it started. Mattix was finally exhausted enough to be in a really, really bad mood today. I’ve been waiting for that for a long time. I mean, how can the kid sleep so little and be happy every day?!?! Even so, I shouldn’t complain b/c his bad mood really just entailed a lot of screaming/crying and not knowing what he wanted. He didn’t even get frustrated and hit, which was great, so I still shouldn’t be complaining, right?!

By this evening, I was hanging on by a thread. I was exhausted, my dead right arm was hanging by my side while I tried to carry Mattix around on my left hip, and of all the days for him to refuse to be set down, today was that day. He screamed when I put him down, screamed when I picked him up, screamed when I tried to rock him. (I should qualify “scream.” Screaming for him is not as loud as you might think. He’s not a super loud screamer. It’s just louder than his normal crying.) You get the idea. It was not a good day for either of us.  

Still, it was sort of manageable because everyone has an off day now and then. But of course, I couldn’t just leave it at that. I went downstairs to feed Mattix dinner, strapped him into the high chair, and opened the fridge to retrieve a jar of baby food. And that’s when the grand finale to my shit day occurred. I knocked the nearly-full glass jar of Whole Food’s maple syrup out of the fridge. And that baby shattered. Everywhere. Whole Foods is serious about thick glass. I was literally covered in maple syrup. It was in my hair, on my face, all over my clothes, and ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE in my kitchen. I didn’t know a jar of maple syrup could create that kind of back splash!  Shattered glass and sticky maple syrup all over the floor, the fridge, the dishwasher, the cabinets, me. I have to say that I’m very, very grateful that Mattix was in his highchair and not on the floor, because his favorite place to hang out is by the fridge, where he b-lines it while I’m getting his food ready. I don’t even want to think about that b/c the glass was just everywhere. Also working in my favor was my decision to put the dogs in the back yard to go potty (ha ha, as if Slinky would actually go potty in the yard….I’m sure she was holding out for the carpet) just seconds before putting Mattix in his high chair. They would have certainly gotten into the glass. And finally, I was wearing slippers. although I never go barefoot, so that’s not really a bonus.

Anyway, it was a total disaster. First, I went upstairs and literally peeled off my clothes, which were PASTED to my body with the syrup. I took a shower while Mattix screamed bloody murder (probably b/c he had to see me naked), then threw the mess of clothes in the washing machine. Next, I called Ed, who was on his way home, to tell him that although I was seriously looking forward to the lemon grass chicken that he was going to make for dinner, the kitchen looked like a war zone and the area surrounding the fridge was ground zero. I was bummed because Ed has been making a lot of VNese food lately and it’s awesome. He made some kick ass pho the other day and I love, love, love his lemon grass chicken, but trust me, if you saw our kitchen, you would have called it a loss, too.

As it turns out, this must have been destined to happen. My day truly sucked and dropping that glass container of maple syrup screwed my night, too (I’ll tell you about how I had to clean it up in a minute), but without that little incident, I never would have seen my son do this:

There are more photos (scroll down) and they are hilarious! Ed came home with In N’ Out b/c there was no chance he was going to cook in that kitchen. We don’t eat fast food ever, with the exception of In N’ Out, which we only eat once or twice a month at the very most. I can’t remember the last time I actually ate anything from a fast food joint other than In N’ Out, and I only started eating it every once in a while a few years ago after I started eating red meat again (when I was diagnosed with Celiac b/c it was just too hard to voluntarily limit my diet when I was being forced to involuntarily cut out so much other stuff). If you read Fast Food Nation, you’ll never eat anything from a fast food joint other than In N’ Out, too! Anyway, we never eat any fast food other than In N’ Out, and we eat it quite infrequently.  In fact, this was the first time we had it since returning from VN, so somebody please tell me why my son wanted it so desperately that he was eating the frickin’ bag!!!!!! He has never even had a french fry! Seriously! When I say this boy’s an eater, I’m not messing around. He is a little porker.

Anyway, Ed walked in, came upstairs to find me rocking back and forth in the corner b/c I was thinking about the mess downstairs that I was going to have to clean up after dinner, and tossed the bag on the coffee table/ottoman.  As soon as it hit the surface, Mattix was all over it, trying to eat the bag. Man, my day and evening sucked, but this? This was priceless!!! Ed even braved the war zone to retrieve a jar of baby food, but little man was having none of it. He wanted what was in the bag, pronto!

Excuse me, Mom. Open the damn bag, please.

You’re taking too long! I’ll just lick it!

Mmmmmm. Tastes good. I must get to the contents. I will just eat the bag.

What? Quit judging me. You’re the one who won’t open the bag.

Hmmm. I’ll try a different angle….

Damn it! Just open it already!

Back to my licking strategy. If the giant blond wench would only open the bag….

This is getting a little ridiculous!

Never in a million years would I have expected this. Ed and I laughed so hard we couldn’t see straight. I was sure Matitix would quit as soon as I grabbed the camera, but he was so determined, he barely noticed me. When I finally put the camera down, Ed set a tray out and I opened the bag. Of course I could not deny the world’s cutest baby, so I broke up a few fries and let him go to town. It was like a repeat of the ice cream incident. He laughed, giggled, ooohhhed and aaahhhed. Apparently, the boy’s like his mama. He loves him some fries.

Just so the irony doesn’t escape you, that IS a jar of organic peas and rice, which he usually LOVES, next to the fries. And just in case you think I’m the worst parent ever, we did feed him 3/4 of the jar of baby food after a few fries.

Hmmmm, fries or peas? Fries or peas? Decisions, decisions!

This is a tough one. Do I do the right thing, or follow my gut (literally)?

I have the answer! I shall eat the fries first, then eat some of the green crap.

Anyway, that was all sorts of fun, but cleaning up the mess…not so much. It took two and a half hours. Maple syrup is freaking sticky. First I walked around and picked up as many large glass pieces as I could, then I cleared everything out of the kitchen (including Matti’x toys and the dining room chairs, the high chair, the dog bed, etc.), then I wet mopped the best that I could, pushing the rest of the larger pieces of glass into a pile and picking them up with a paper towel. At that point, it was clear that I had not even made a dent. I waited for the water to dry, vacuumed the floor with the stick vacuum, then used the good old Hoover Floor Mate,hoping to suck up the last of the glass and get the damn sticky off. Yeah, that thing’s a beast. It is heavy and takes forever. I love how clean it gets the floors, but I was so not in the mood tonight, especially with my messed up arm. So, as Ed was putting Mattix to bed, I did what any overwhelmed, gimp-armed mommy does. I used my half-functional right arm to carry around my glass of wine and my left arm to push the Floor Mate. It did not go too well. There were many collisions with the walls and appliances, as I am not ambidextrous. However, as the process wore on, I cared less and less, thank you very much merlot. After 45 minutes, the Floor Mate had done it’s job, only it had not done it perfectly. This was the first time the floor mate let me down. Just a year ago, it saved me from the broken-jar-of-vegan-mayo-fiasco. Tonight, the damn floor was STILL sticky. I ended up on my hands and knees with a wad of paper towels and a bottle of Windex. Holy hell it was a long night. At some point, I was trying to figure out if there was anyone you can call for this sort of thing (yeah, I was that desperate). Besides the obvious stickiness, I was really worried about the glass, as Mattix crawls everywhere. After the Windex, I broke out the stick vacuum again for one last clean up. Two and a half hours later, you could eat off of my damn floor and most likely not choke on any glass. Oh yeah, and I’m not even going to get into the wood flooring b/c somehow, the stuff managed to make it all the way into that room, too.

And that, my friends, was my long, long day and even longer night. If not for Mattix’s hilarious antics with the In N’ Out bag, I would be curled up in the fetal position right now. However, my boy never lets me down! He’s a funny one for sure. I can’t get over his personality. I have no idea how he knew that the contents of the In N’ Out bag were so good, but he obviously knew! I love this kid, for the obvious reasons and for the funny ones, too. I still have a bunch of cute photos from the other day, but I could not pass up the opportunity to share these. Hope your day was better than mine!

Not so good, but not too stupid

So I’m not so good at the parenting thing, but I’m not stupid! Mattix had an appointment with his pediatrician on Thursday and I took my mom in hopes of avoiding another meltdown a la two weeks ago! (I also took her to his dermatology appointment on Tuesday as well). I’m getting smart! As it turns out, although it was certainly nice to have her there (especially because she sits in the back seat with Mattix, which makes car rides very pleasant), it wasn’t entirely necessary. Like usual, it wasn’t a brief affair, but Mattix did so well. His pediatrician was very surprised and happy with his development in just over two weeks. At our last appointment, he was obsessively playing withthrowing his toys everywhere. I’ve noticed that when he becomes stressed about or overwhelmed with a situation, he often does what he did with us in the beginning: he tunes out and becomes very intent on whatever it is that he’s doing. When he has any toys in front of him, he focuses in on them as though there’s nobody else in the room.  If he doesn’t do that, he becomes super hyperactive; he gets incredibly squirmy (more so than usual), “grabby,” will not make eye contact, and giggles uncomfortably - basically a nervous laugh.  At our appointment two weeks ago, he tuned out and kept the intern busy. He threw his stacking cups all over the place and she kept picking them up! I told her not to worry about it, but every single time he threw one, she was on it immediately, returning the toy to him. Besides that fact that I was having very vivid visions of him acquiring some nasty communicable disease each time he put one of the toys that she had just retrieved off the examining room floor into his mouth,  I also felt bad because it was getting a little out of control! However, on Thursday, he was incredibly interactive. He wanted to touch the pediatrician’s hair, take her stethoscope, and touch her face. She was shocked at the difference in such a short period of time. Additionally, like the dermatologist, she couldn’t get over how well his skin looks. He still has some seriously huge spots on his back, but you can’t even compare his skin now with his skin two weeks ago. She said that the dermatologist called her after our appointment two weeks ago and thanked her for sending us over because he was pretty “impressed” with the gnarly bumps and pustules that covered his body. That’s my little man – it you’re gonna get a nasty post-scabies infection and have a horrid eczema flareup, you gotta go big!

Anyway, here’s the crazy news: Mattix has grown one and a half inches and gained one and a half pounds in under four weeks! I knew he was growing because his clothes that fit just a few weeks ago are too short and too small now, but wow! When we came home from VN, he was wearing 3-6 months in Gymboree and now he fits squarely into 6-12. He was also wearing 6 months in most other brands and now 9 months are a little short. He really needs 12. I’m amazed at how quickly he’s growing. The poo analysis came back (you know, the one that prompted me to break down in the lab and cry like a freak?) and Mattix is parasite free, which is very good news for him, and even better news for my mom and I. After the Pei Wei diaper blowout incident on Tuesday, I’m pretty sure we would have been rockin’ the intestinal bugs if he had them. I mean, I was scraping poo out from under my finger nails when I got home. Baby wipes and hand sanitizer just don’t do the trick in cases like that. Ugh. I’m experiencing PTSD. New subject.

We’ve had a few rough days and a lot of rough nights this week, which is why I’ve been remiss about blogging. I guess I shouldn’t say “days,” because it’s usually just an hour or two during the day, but those few hours are hard. And the nights? Oh the nights. I think they are getting worse. I mentioned before that I didn’t notice Mattix experiencing any of the outward grieving that I think most of us expect from our kids once we take them out of the orphanage. He never cried for no reason (besides the whimpering in his sleep and crying during night terrors, which is an entirely different type of crying). He cried when he was hungry, wet, irritated, or really, really overtired, but never just cried for an unknown reason.  Even all of the horrible physical discomfort that he must have been experiencing didn’t cause him to cry. I expected him to cry a lot.  But he never did. Well, he’s doing it now and it’s gut wrenching. Not because it’s annoying or because I want him to stop – not for those sort of selfish reasons –  but because my heart aches. I don’t know if this is true, but I feel like it might have been less emotionally difficult for me if he had done it earlier, when we first met him. Now that I know him and love him more than anything in the world, I feel so totally helpless and horrible that he’s feeling whatever it is that he’s feeling. I guess that is a selfish reason, but I can’t help but feel that way. I would do anything for this little guy and to watch him experience what seems like a lot of emotional pain makes me feel so horrible. I know I can’t do anything for him besides hold him, talk to him,  and sing to him with my terrifying tone-deaf voice (which may be contributing to the horror - I might want to stop).  It really seems as though he’s going through what a lot of the adopted kiddos do when they first joint their families. He clings to me, buries his face in my chest, and just cries his heart out.  At least there are moments of humor. He was going at it so hard on Wednesday that he was literally choking on his snot. When he pulled his head away, the world’s longest, nastiest, greenest, stringiest bugger/snot glob was growing like nobody’s business between my cheek and his nose. It just kept growing and growing. I almost threw up.

(I need to talk about his crazy buggers before I forget. Does this happen to other kids? I mean, the poo is enough, but buggers, too?  It’s not even normal what I pull out of this kid’s nose. A few days after we were home, he was SO stuffy. I was feeling brave, so I retrieved the little blue nose suction thing. Yeah, that went over well. He flipped out. I kept trying b/c his nose was so full. He kept getting more upset and so did I.  My friend Laura and her husband were over and Laura was watching me, probably trying her best to keep quiet, when she finally said, “Here. Let me get it.” She reached into his little nostril with her pinkie finger and Oh. MY. Gosh. Once again, I was doubled over in the corner trying not to vomit. I started that horrible gagging thing that I have a problem with.  Even Super Mom Ed was a little nauseated. After a lot of digging, my best friend was standing over my screaming kid with his first super bugger hanging from her finger. On a positive note, I’m doing much better now. We have to clean his nose out before bedtime because it’s always stuffy – “adjustment allergies” – and that sometimes wakes him up. Scary, scary stuff I’m telling you. Not. Right. The good news is I’m able to do it myself now, but I’ll never get over seeing my best friend with my son’s four inch bugger string hanging from her nail. I’m feeling a little funky again. I’m going to change subjects.)

Okay, I got way off topic. Like I was saying, Mattix is crying his heart out for a good portion of the night and for a few hours during the day.  It’s obviously most difficult at night, both because he starts in his sleep then wakes himself up crying and because we’re so tired. This is definitely hard.  I hate to see him so upset, and I’m truly not at my best in the middle of the night after five nights in a row of two hours total of sleep each night. And yet this little guy is such a happy one. I’m walking around like a zombie during the day and he’s giggling up a storm, playing with his toys, torturing playing with the dogs, and eating like a pig! Well, I’m also doing the last thing on that list, but not so much the others.

Despite the fact that I feel drugged b/c  I’m so tired, we had a fun weekend. On Friday afternoon, Mattix and I met two of my friends who haven’t seen him yet for lunch. He’s quite the little flirt. He had two new women ooohhhing and ahhhing all over him and he ate it up. I think he’s going to be trouble. On Friday night, Mattix and I went to dinner with a few of our favorite VN adoptive moms and their adorable girls. Mattix got to spend some quality time with his girlfriend who, by the way, is as light as air. She’s two days younger than Mattix and a strong five pounds lighter, but it feels like even more because she’s so darn petite and weightless. She also knows how to sit on your hip, probably because she came home at seven months and is used to being carried.  I honestly have dude arms from carrying Mattix around. He’s 20 solid pounds and he doesn’t really help hold himself up that much. He’s very physically developed and on target, but because he wasn’t held at all before he came home at ten months, he didn’t get the memo explaining that when Mom is carrying you on her hip, you’re not supposed to play dead weight and melt. As a result, I have the most disturbingly large man biceps. Not exactly a good thing. Sometimes when I carry him my arms literally start burning from the weight. Too bad I can’t strap him to my ass and thighs, ’cause those are the areas that could really use a little firming up.

Anyway, dinner was lots of fun, although it’s very apparent we’re not at all popular at our new favorite VNese restaurant. It started out when the server sat two of us and our kids (we were waiting for the third mom and daughter) and then said, “Just so you know, there’s a changing table in the bathroom.” I thanked him and told him was aware of it, as I’d used it last time my husband and I were there. He then said, “I wasn’t sure because of the diaper on the table last time your group was here.” WTF???? A diaper on the table? Puh-leeze! I don’t even throw diapers in the trash cans when I’m out until I’ve first wrapped them up in a plastic diaper disposal bag. I would NEVER change a diaper at a table in a restaurant. I know my frumpy appearance of late might convey white trash, but give me a break, my behavior sure doesn’t. I told him that I certainly did not leave a diaper on the table, and he said, “No, not you, your friend who was here with you” then walked away. Okay again, WTF? She would NEVER do that either. I was a little taken aback. Honestly it takes a lot to offend me. A LOT. It’s been so long since I’ve been offended that I can’t remember the last time it happened. Trying to let it go, I reached into my diaper bag and pulled out a bib for Mattix when it dawned on me. We all use the disposable bibs that are not at all environmentally friendly but so damn convenient that I don’t care.  I always fold them up super small so that the slobbered on part is in the center, close them with the Velcro tabs, and leave them on the table with the used napkins. IMO, they’re no different than a used napkin when they’re folded up like that. Plus, I pick up all of Mattix’s “unwanted” food off of the floor with napkins that I leave on the table, so how is the bib a big deal? If you’re slightly slow and unobservant, I suppose, if you really used your imagination, that you might think one looks like a diaper. A and I both use them, so I guess he saw one of them and assumed she’d left a dirty diaper on the table. Let me just tell you, I’ve changed enough diapers in the past seven weeks to say that if that stupid little bib looks like a diaper, you’ve NEVER, ever, ever changed a diaper in your entire life. I mean, seriously, my kid blows through a full sized Pamper, can you imagine if his diaper was as thin as a paper bib?! But anyway, I know that’s what he was thinking so I told him when he came back. He appeared to get it, but who knows. By the time we were through with dinner and two of us ordered VNese coffee, it was brought out in TO GO cups. Hint, anyone? In true Laura fashion, I really sealed the deal with a grand finale. As we were leaving, I remembered that I had left one of Mattix’s bottles on the table. I walked back to get it, only I was carrying my child who was literally hanging in my arms, his giant diaper bag, my purse, and a gift bag. I was reaching for the bottle when the huge diaper bag slid down my arm, almost in slow motion, setting off a chain reaction that resulted in two glasses of water and one glass of diet coke pouring all over the table and floor. Excellent. Everyone in the room was staring at me. I went and found my new best friend, aka our server, and asked for a few towels. He told me not to worry about it, that he would get it with his mop. I think what he was really saying was, “Get the hell out of here.”  Oh well. Little man actually fell asleep on the way home and STAYED asleep while I carried him from the car seat to the crib. As I was walking upstairs, I went through the bedtime routine in my head:

Bath? He’s not that dirty, right? 

Antibiotics? Finished those two day ago

Benadryl? Sure doesn’t help with sleep any more, and he’s not that itchy right now

Cortisone creams and Vaseline? Skipping one night won’t hurt

Bottle? Kid ate like a hog at dinner. Not necessary

Pajamas? Hey, I’ve slept in my clothes before. May have been for different reasons such as passing out in them, but still. No harm, no foul. If I did it in my late teens, he can do it at eleven months

Diaper? Ummmm….I won’t think about that one

I slid him into his crib and he slept like a log for FOUR hours! Of course, the rest of the night was the usual, but those first four hours were great.  In fact, he was so quiet that I got worried a few times and peeked in, just to make sure he was still breathing (I’m still paranoid about that). Unfortunately, I’m a very, very slow learner and I didn’t go to bed at the same time. He woke up for the first time just as I was falling asleep and the rest of the night…well, let’s just say it was long. Oh well!

Mommy took Saturday off and had a lunch and movie date with two friends, then dinner at a great little wine bar/restaurant with two other friends. And then I slept embarrassingly late on Sunday. So late I’m not even okay with admitting the time.  And I slept in the guest room without a baby monitor to keep me up all night. It was NICE.

I know I’ve mentioned it a million times, but Mattix is doing incredibly well despite the nighttime troubles. If I had half of his spirit after getting so little sleep, I’d be pleased with myself. Unfortunately, I don’t. The one thing that keeps me happy and going every day is Mattix. At lunch the other day, one of my friends asked me if I ever imagined that I could love someone so much and my answer was no. I truly had no idea that I could have so much love in my heart for another human being. I love Ed more than I can verbalize, I love my family, and I love my friends, but I never could have understood this kind of love before Mattix was part of our family. Today, Ed looked at Mattix and said, “Sometimes I still can’t get over the fact that this incredible little person, crawling across the floor, is ours to raise.” I feel that often. Not so say that I don’t get frustrated or stressed, ’cause I sure do, but I love being a mom!

I have some absolutely adorable photos of Mattix, but I’m too tired to upload them right now! I promise to get to them tomorrow. I hope everyone had a great weekend.

Four things, including 4 things!

Four things:

First, to the person who found this blog by googling kid puking up crap, I’m not sure what to say to you. Either you’re a huge pervert or you need to take your child to the nearest Emergency Room ASAP.  I’m not sure which is worse. That’s all I have.

Second, for those who have asked me how I find the time to write so much useless garbage (or for those who wish I would stop), the one thing I have to show for my three years and $100,000 of post-graduate education is the ability to type unbelievably fast. It’s a skill, baby, born out of the necessity to take extremely detailed notes in class and to get a whole lotta info and analysis into timed essay exams. Also, for the first time in my life, I don’t re-read or edit, and even though that drives me crazy b/c I’m anal retentive, it saves lots of time. So my painfully long posts don’t actually take long to write.  That’s correct – all that time and effort and this is what I have to show for it. The good news is that I didn’t actually have to pay $100,000 for the $100,000 education.

Third, today was a challenging day, but I’ll write about it in a day or two.

Fourth,  Angie at Road to Vietnam tagged me (my first tag!). Here are my answers, with explanations of course, because why would I only write a little bit?!

4 THINGS

4 Jobs I’ve had:
(1) High School: “sales associate” at Miller’s Outpost – That was my only high school job, which I got to spite my parents. It lasted five months before my parents made me quit. Long story. That’s how big of a dork I am – I got a job to spite my parents. I can fold screen tees like nobody’s business.
(2) College: legal assistant – made me think I wanted to be a lawyer
(3) Law School: research assistant  – for an awesome professor
(4) Current: Domestic Goddess and miserable excuse for a parent (but trying to improve!)

4 movies I watch over and over:

(1) The Notebook – I start to tear up just thinking about it
(2) Reality Bites – ’cause I’m that pathetic
(3) Legends of the Fall – I knew Brad Pitt and I were meant to be together ever since I first saw this movie at age 14. I still firmly believe this
(4) Knocked Up – because sometimes, stupid, embarrassingly lame, dirty, male locker room  humor makes me laugh if I’m in the mood

4 Shows I watch (should say four shows I watched before baby):

(1) Gray’s Anatomy
(2) Desperate Housewives
(3) The Hills – I don’t even want to hear it. I’m embarrased to admit it. I know how old I am. I can’t help it.  LC’s my girl.
(4) America’s Next Top Model – Every week, I just think “Three inches taller, 20 pounds lighter, some major plastic surgery, and I would SO audition.” I’ve got a runway walk and everything.

4 places I’ve been:

(1) Vietnam - wish I were still there
(2) Mexico – won’t happen again
(3) Washington – can’t wait to go back
(4) Minnesota – how do people live in that kind of cold?!

4 people who email me regularly:

(1) Laura – my friend Laura, not me. I’m pretty lame, but not that lame
(2) Sarah
(3) Husband
(4) Banana Republic

4 favorite things to eat: (Note – this is a crappy question. How can I narrow down my list to just four? Eating is not just a necessity to me – it’s a hobby and a sport.)

(1) Turkey flatbread sandwich without the flatbread and baked sweet potato fries from Soma
(2) Gluten free Leaning Tower Pizza followed by the gluten free brownie from Picazzo’s
(3) Pho and just about any and all VNese food
(4) Fruits and veggies – seriously. I LOVE fruit and I like veggies.

4 places I’d rather be:

(1) Vietnam. That’s it. I’m happy where I am. Honestly. The only place besides here that I wish I could be is Vietnam. If Ed, Mattix, and I could move there for a year, I’d do it in a second. If I were independently wealthy, I would be writing this from southern VN!
(2)
(3)
(4)

4 things I look forward to this year:

(1) Mattix – everything about him – his first birthday, his first steps, his first words, him learning to trust Ed and I, him learning to rely on us to meet his needs, him become confident and comfortable with his new family, the day he stops smacking me around
(2) Learning to be a good mom – the best mom that I can be because Mattix deserves nothing less
(3) Hearing good news about VN adoptions – that VN is going to stay open to the U.S.
(4) Hearing good news from the families waiting for referrals or waiting for travel b/c waiting is very difficult

I feel so special. Thanks, Angie! I tag Karen, Kerry, Melissa (with her fancy new blog design), and Danielle….if you ladies have the time. If not, I won’t take it personally.

Diaper Blowout in Pei Wei!

First of all, Mattix would like me to apologize to you all on his behalf. He takes full responsibility for the fact that I am unable to post a picture of him in the WORLD’S CUTEST outfit because he decided to take a huge, giant dump all over it today, before I had a chance to take the photo. I mean, it was the WORLD’S CUTEST outfit. We have a Gymboree Outlet near our house. Five miles from our house. Too close to our house.  ”Outlet” is a loose term here, because the prices are still pretty comparable to the regular Gymboree. The obvious drawback of the close proximity is that I find it necessary to purchase every single outfit (and by outfit, I mean complete ensemble – pants/overalls, onesie, sweater/sweatshirt, socks, bib, blanket, etc.).  However, the benefit is that I can stop in a few times a week; that way I can wait for the items to go on sale (they turn over their inventory super fast) AND get all the pieces before they sell out. So a ridiculously overpriced $90 Gymoree outfit costs less than half of that.  

 So, the outfit he was wearing today was my all time favorite. It was SO cute. I first saw it right after we came home from VN. They had just gotten it in and it was of course full price. Two drop-ins and three weeks later, it was ours. Every last piece! Mattix and I each had a doctors appointment today and I didn’t have time to take a picture this morning before we left. He was lookin’ good. I should have nicely asked him not to soil himself and explained the reason – that I was going take his picture. Duh. But, because I failed to let him know my plans, he went ahead and took the messiest poo in Mattix history, covering absolutely everything, including his socks and sweater, with quite a mess. So, instead of Mattix lookin’ good in the WORLD’S CUTEST outfit, all I have to give you is this: 

Yup, all wrapped up in a blue diaper disposal bag, waiting to infect the washing machine with an extreme amount of crusty doody.

He requested that I instead post this photo:

While he of course looks adorable, he’s not wearing the world’s cutest outfit, so I’m a little disappointed.

Second, my boy is one smart cookie. Remember when I posted pictures of him eating ice cream for the first time? Well, he had it for the second time in my favorite restaurant last night (where he was a champ – seriously, this kid must know how important meal time is for mommy ’cause everyone who was with us couldn’t get over how great he did for such a long period of time). Today, I was getting the box of frozen waffles out of the freezer when a plain white Styrofoam container of ice cream fell out. It was the same container that had the ice cream three weeks ago when he first tired it (no, not the exact same container, just the same style – it went with the takeout cookie from the above-mentioned favorite restaurant). Well, the container fell out and Mattix went NUTS. Like crazy nuts. Hollering and giggling and trying to pull the lid off nuts. He KNEW what was in that container. What’s a mommy to do but indulge her little man? As soon as I had the lid off, his mouth was wide open, waiting for a bite.  I’m creating a monster!

Last night was by far one of our toughest nights in the past few weeks. Mattix cried for three quarters of the night, but this was a different cry than usual. It was a sad, heartbroken, aching cry that lasted most of the night. Ed had (stupidly) volunteered to take last night b/c I was having trouble sleeping on Saturday night so I took over Saturday night duty, even though it was my night ”off.” Well, no good deed goes unpunished. Good karma for me! If I had not have done that, last night would have been all me! Seriously, though, it was hard. I was up a few times just because I was so upset for him. It wasn’t the usual crying, whining, whimpering, night terrors and nightmares night. It was different and it was painful for all of us, and not in the “I’m so tired, please go back to sleep” sort of way. In a way that makes your soul hurt.

Still, despite not sleeping much, Mattix was great today. He cried for another 45 minutes this morning, all through breakfast, but by the time he was dressed and we were in the car on our way to the doctor, he was in a great mood. He giggled and cooed all the way to my mom’s house (she went with us so that she could watch Mattix b/c my appointment was just a few miles from his). And he SO knows much she loves him. He works her “real good.”  She sits in the back seat with Mattix; I’ve become a skilled chauffeur, which is what it’s really like, since Mom spends each and every car ride talking to Mattix anyway, as though it’s only the two of them.  I faintly remember the good ‘ol days when I was pretty neat. Yeah, well, now it’s Laura, who? She nearly knocked me over today tying to get into the car to see Mattix. (Just in case my blathering sarcasm needs clarification: I’m not jealous of my mom’s love for my son. I’m glad she loves him so much. My mom and I are, and always have been, incredibly close. This is how it’s supposed to be and I’m so glad Mattix has such an awesome grandma!)

On a very positive note, Mattix’s dermatology specialist says his skin looks wonderful and that he is pleasantly surprised at how great he’s doing. We no longer have to slather him from head to toe in cortisone cream and Vaseline. Instead, we can spot treat with the cortisone cream and then slather from head to toe with Vaseline. Excellent. My wood floors can continue to appear as though a million slimy slugs slithered all over them (alliteration, anyone?). Vaseline leaves a serious film everywhere. On a positive note, my cuticles are nice and moisturized.

Next we went to my appointment with the cardiologist. My mom and Mattix stayed in the waiting room b/c Mattix was calm and Grandma thought he was going to fall asleep. Ha! Grandma has a lot to learn. Mattix falls asleep in two places: on someone’s lap in the rocking chair and, on a good day, in the car seat. I didn’t want to burst her bubble, plus 45 minutes of quiet time in an exam room was sounding pretty good, even with the blood draw and ECG, so I left them out there.  If the room had not been -30 degrees and if I had not been wearing one sexy paper gown, I may have just gotten the best 45 minute nap of my life. But  because the room was -30 degrees and I was wearing one sexy paper gown, short enough to allow asses number two and three to hang out, I instead spent 45 minutes shivering and wondering if I was a good liposuction candidate. It’s genetic. Give me a break. Anyway, Mattix apparently spent his time entertaining a room full of senior citizens by being his normal cute self (because apparently, the cardiologist’s office is not the place for the under 30 40 50 60 crowd). Mimi said she thought he might be an actor in a comment, and I think she might just be correct.

So, that leads us to the ruining-of-the-world’s cutest outfit, which happened in Pei Wei (if you haven’t been and you live near one, I’m addicted to the gluten free Vietnamese Chicken Salad Rolls…nothing to do with the “Vietnamese” part; I started eating these long before we started our adoption part and trust me, they taste nothing like real VNese food). Mattix was sitting in high chair, happily porking out on little pieces of a banana that we brought and a bowl of Pei Wei rice noodles. Things were going great, he was happy, my mom and I were laughing at the way he sucks in the noodles…when it happened. He assumed the position – the one where he leans over forward and grips the front of the high chair – and went at it. Seriously? That was the second time in less than three hours (the first was at the doctor’s office). I *almost* took him into the bathroom to change him, but thought better of it and decided to do it in the car. Thank goodness. We go out to the car, my mom climbed in, and I took him to the back to take care of business. My mom called back, “Do you need help” to which I responded, “Of course not. I’ve got this down.” Then I unsnapped the overalls and threw up in my mouth. Do other people’s kids do this? This happens a lot around here. Anyway, today’s was the prize winner. I promptly started gagging and my mom started laughing. I then began pulling the overalls higher and higher, trying to figure out where the mess stopped. I got all the way to the back of his neck before I broke down and begged for help. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get him undressed without getting in his hair. I was momentarily relieved because I *thought* the sweater was salvaged. That was until Mattix threw his arm down and went into his famous death roll. That’s when both the sweater and socks were called a loss as well. By that point, my mom had come to the back and started laughing. Of course Mattix started laughing, too, because whenever my mom laughs, Mattix laughs. Anyway, my mom somehow managed to undress him without getting poo in his hair, although the changing pad and the clothes were a total loss. Ew. It took five wipes to clean up his back alone. (By the way, I honestly thought it was the diapers in VN, but apparently that’s not the case. We’re using Huggies, size 3 for 18-26 pounds, as the size 2 were too small. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears. The only thing I cannot do is any sort of cloth or hybrid diapers because if you haven’t guessed, I don’t have the stomach for that.)

Besides the major diaper blow out, today was another good day. And a diaper blow out certainly doesn’t ruin a good day…it just ruins a great outfit! And if that’s our biggest complaint, then I guess we don’t have any real complaints at all, right? The one thing that we will have to work on is Mattix’s reaction when we tell him “no.” We’ve expanded our use of no a little beyond just hitting. He knows exactly what no means and he does not like it. At all. It makes him very angry to be told no. During our first week home, when my mom was staying at our house, she was observing Mattix playing and gave me the following advice:

You’re going to have to choose your battles carefully, and when you do, you’re going to have to see them to the end.

Yeah, well, my mom knew what she was talking about. Tonight Mattix managed to, once again, chew the rubber tip off of one of the door stops (he likes to play with the door stops until he gets them off, then chew on them). I jumped up to avoid a serious choking episode and fished the white tip out of his mouth. I took the door stop away, put it back on the wall, and told him no; This did not please the little man. He promptly picked up two of his toys – one in each hand – and chucked them at me, making quite the loud “Uhhhhhhhhh” sound to inform me of his displeasure. Then he tried to give me a good smack, but I had stood up by then and he missed, so he was even more annoyed. That prompted him to crawl to his two toys, pick them up, and throw them at me again. So then I had to tackle the *no* with the throwing of the toys. Ahhhhh, yes, and he’s only eleven months old. The terrible two’s are still a year away! Really, though, I’m not entirely sure what to do about it. I use no very sparingly, as he’s only eleven months old. However, he’s VERY perceptive and often knows he shouldn’t do something before he even does it (even if it’s something I’ve never said no to). He’ll often start to do something, check to see if I’m looking, do it anyway, then look for my reaction. This is where I’m lacking in the skillz department. I’m not always sure what to do!

If you haven’t noticed yet, his new greeting involves throwing one of his arms up in the air. He started a few days ago and it’s so cute. Any time we say his name (well, any time we say his name AND he chooses to respond), he turns and does this:

           

Although Mattix and Slinky have made up….

(he truly is learning to pet her nicely)…she still steals everything that belongs to him (here she is sneaking around, trying to find something to take:

 He’s always so happy before, during, and after his bath:

         

And because I have totally overdone it with photos tonight, if only he would STAY asleep like this!

    

One month ago today…

…we returned home from Vietnam. Our last flight seemed like the longest, even though it was just over an hour. Because we were flying out of LAX, it was of course delayed. It was the only flight of our entire trip home from VN that was late. And when we arrived, late, we stood at the baggage claim like sleep-deprived morons for 45 minutes, waiting for our last bag, until it became abundantly clear that it wasn’t gonna happen. It was the only bag from our entire trip that didn’t make it to its destination. Somehow we flew halfway around the world, almost completely on time, with all of our luggage. And then, on a flight that takes just over an hour, that only covers 365 miles, a bag disappears. I asked the woman at the lost baggage counter to please explain to me how, when I personally handed over four bags at customs in LAX, all together, at the same time, only three actually made it. Needless to say, I didn’t get an answer. I couldn’t have really cared less if two of the bags didn’t make it, but as it turns out, the one lost was carrying most of our purchases from VN and I would have been devastated if it hadn’t arrived. The bag showed up at our door the next morning, so that was good, and even though the baggage delivery man woke us up at 6:00 a.m., I have nothing to complain about b/c that was the only “snag” of our entire trip home. Not bad. Not bad at all.

So now we’ve been home for a month. What do I think? I think it’s been a blur. It’s been an incredible, crazy blur. It honestly seems like Christmas, which was just five days after we came home, was six months ago. It seems like forever ago that I was so tired I was on my hands and knees every morning, praying to the porcelain priestess, begging for a little mercy. And yet I was still doing that just two weeks ago. And although I’m not totally confident that it is completely over, and although I’m still very tired, I’m feeling much better about it.

I’ve started to figure out this parenting thing and as it turns out, I’m really into it. I mean, I obviously KNEW I wanted to be a parent; we didn’t accidentally adopt a baby. But once we were home, I was overwhelmed by my incompetence. I’m still incompetent, don’t worry, but I’m much calmer and happier about it. The panic-stricken near-meltdown Laura is getting the hang of this motherhood thing…and I’m honestly loving it. In a comment she left on one of my posts, Elaine told me not to worry, that those of us who lacked the mommy gene weren’t totally outta luck because it’s actually a bacteria that we catch and it grows on us. I have to say that Elaine knows her stuff! I just didn’t expect to be THIS into it, THIS soon.

Ed and I have figured out a few things that are making it easier on us. For example, we take “turns” at night, alternating night duty. The person “on” is up all night with Mattix while the other sleeps. This is working much better for me. I may be absolutely exhausted every other day, but then I’m much happier on the days following my night “off.” (BTW, when Ed starts to travel again, I might start complaining heavily. Be prepared.)  We also take turns with a sleep-in day on the weekends that we don’t have anything planned early in the day. In fact, we’ve gotten so comfortable with our routine that we had a conversation on Thursday night that went something like this:

Ed: So, I was wondering. Do you want to sleep in on the morning following your night off or on the morning following your night on? You’re on Friday night, off Saturday night.

Me: I know. I was just thinking about that this morning. I’m not sure. I mean, I think it might be best if I sleep in after my night on b/c then at least I’ll get three continuous hours of sleep so the whole day won’t be ruined.

Ed: True, but did you consider the fact that it might be better to just get one really long, great night’s sleep?

Me: Yeah, I don’t know. It’s a big decision. I’ll let you know Friday night.

As it turns out, I think I was pressured into choosing to sleep in the morning following my night off. So, on Saturday morning, when I was absolutely exhausted b/c I had not gotten more than 45 minutes of continuous sleep, when Mattix woke up before 7:00, ready to go for the day, I changed my mind and decided that it was my morning to sleep in after all.  Ed begrudgingly acquiesced, and ohhhhh, was it nice. I slept from 7:00 to 10:30 in peace. I’ll be regretting it tomorrow (Sunday) morning, when I’m up before 7:00, but this morning was niiiiccceeee.

What else? I’m not totally afraid of looking like the world’s most inept mom out in public. I still do things that probably make me look like the world’s stupidest mom, but I’m not too concerned about them anymore. During the first few weeks, I was anxious about everything – getting him in and out of his car seat, getting him into the stroller, keeping him happy when we were out. Now, I’m good to go. I don’t care if I struggle with the car seat buckle. Whatever. It doesnt’ matter to me if other moms give me looks  if Mattix is a little tired and cranky and launches his bottle across the store. Who cares? He’s a regular kid and all the dirty looks in the world won’t upset me. I’m working on teaching Mattix to give those people the stink eye (photo towards end of post). I’ve gotten really good at stooping down to pick up said bottle without even stopping the cart or stroller, so I’m actually impressed with myself. I’m not all upset when I’m putting Mattix into his crib after rocking him and he accidentally rolls out of my arms and catches air for the last four inches. The crib’s soft, and he’s gotten used to it, so who cares? I’ve mastered the art of the three minute soap-down shower (sans hair wash) and have totally accepted the fact that my hair is only clean on two days of the week.

And for me, the most amazing feeling that I’ve experienced in this past month: I no longer feel like I’m babysitting. Is it bad to admit that for the first few weeks after we were home, I didn’t feel like Mattix’s mom? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED him with all of my heart from the moment I took him from the nanny at his orphanage. In Vietnam, I didn’t really stop to think about what I felt about parenting b/c it wasn’t really real life – you know, where you just walk upstairs for food, where you’re not on your b/c your spouse is there the whole time, where it doesn’t matter if you’re tired because the three of you can just hang out and relax? (I previously discussed our wonderful experience in VN.) However, once we were home and real life took over, I didn’t know what to do. I felt so unnatural and awkward. I didn’t feel like a mom. I felt like I was caring for this really great baby that I loved, but that wasn’t necessarily mine. That feeling has quickly been replaced by one of confidence. I am his mom…I feel like his mom…I love being his mom.

Enough about me, right? How about the little guy? This week has been a huge turning point for us. We laid very low this entire week, with the exception of today, and really tried to work on a schedule. When we left the house, we tried to keep it under two hours and less than 20 minutes each way in the car seat. Although Thursday evening was a little long, we did a good job sticking to it. Even if Mattix won’t take a nap, I will sit in the rocking chair with him, feeding him a bottle, calmly and quietly, for at least 45 minutes. He fell asleep at least half of the time. I’m learning to relax myself so that I can sit there on the chair with him for as long as he’ll sleep. I no longer think about the things I *should* accomplish. What does it matter? The laundry will still be in the hamper and the dirty dishes will still be in the sink.  The important thing is that Mattix actually wants me to hold him calmly for that period of time, and I’m enjoying it so much. He’ll often sleep anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour on my (or Ed’s) lap and I love it.

 He’s experiencing genuine happiness, and a lot of it. The difference between his “happiness” when we were in VN and his happiness today is remarkable. For a while, it didn’t seem like he was sincerely happy when he outwardly acted like he was. I found the entry I wrote in VN about his reaction to his nannies after we first met him at the orphanage:

I was starting to wonder if he was ever going to move or make a sound when we went into the baby room. He lit up at the sight of his nannies. We put him on the floor and they all played with him. He laughed, squealed, crawled, and stood up. They had him clapping his hands while they sang and standing up and bouncing up and down (dancing) while holding onto something.

That sort of happiness was more like a performance, maybe for attention? I don’t know. But the way he acts when he’s happy now is nothing like the way he acted just five weeks ago. To see him truly light up now is heartwarming. I don’t think that I can accurately capture it with words. I never expected him to be this happy this soon. I don’t know what I expected, but I feel so grateful that this precious little person has become comfortable enough to honestly feel and show joy. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all smiles, all day around here, but it’s pretty great.  I think I mentioned this in his eleven month post, but he no longer claps, which was one of his attention-seeking behaviors. Even when others clap, he chooses not to clap. He used to do it very frequently, and especially when he wanted us to stop doing something – almost a way to “convince” us not to change his diaper, get him dressed, put on his shoes, etc. I find it coincidental that I wrote, “They had him clapping…” when at the time, I didn’t even know what it meant for him to clap.

He doesn’t giggle nervously nearly as often. He definitely growls less, and when he does growl now, it’s not often directed at Ed or I. Again, I mentioned this in his eleven month post, but it is very significant. He is less physical towards us. When we were first home, he would kick and hit a lot when we rocked him to sleep. So much so that we had to get very good at using one arm to hold his little arms down, hold the bottle with the that hand, and use the other arm to hold his legs down. By the end of our second week home, my left leg was entirely black and blue from just below my hip to just above my knee, as that’s where his feet made contact. I’d post a picture, but who really wants to see the cottage cheese up close and personal? Not me for sure! Now, he kicks rarely and hits even less when we’re rocking him. At night, when I rock him to sleep, he looks into my eyes and spends a lot of time with his arms extended towards me, gently touching my face. I touch his face all of the time, so maybe he’s mimicking. I’m not sure and it doesn’t matter. When I feed him his bottle, I very softly touch his entire face – his forehead, his nose, his chin, his cheeks – over and over, with my fingertips. I’ve done it since our second or third night in Vietnam. He seems to really like that now, as he relaxes when I do it, and now he touches my face a lot.

Additionally, in the middle of the night, when he’s upset enough that we take him out of his crib to rock him, he’s much calmer. There were more than a few nights in the past that were VERY difficult and upsetting for all of us. He was so upset and angry. Over the past week, when we rock him in the middle of the night, he’s relaxed. He usually twists around so that he can look directly at me (or Ed) and his face is peaceful, even though his nights are still really rough. He’s come to expect us to take him out of his crib, hold him and comfort him and it’s obviously working. In the past, it would take at least an hour and a half for him to settle down enough to fall back to sleep. Now it takes around 45 minutes, and this week, it has been a very serene 45 minutes, so much so that I actually enjoy it (despite being so tired). Last night, at 3:00 a.m., I reached in to take him out and he smiled. He actually smiled in the middle of the night. I swear that he knew I was coming and was pleased when I arrived. I picked him up and he didn’t whimper (or cry or shake); I cradled him in my arms (he usually won’t allow this – he has to be sitting up) and walked to the rocking chair in the other room. He fell back to sleep after 45 minutes and I transferred him to his crib. He woke up, looked straight up at me, rolled onto his side, and went to sleep.  Wow.

He coos like a little baby a lot more. He makes a lot of “happy baby” sounds, even in his car seat once in a while. The car seat meltdowns are less frequent. On Friday, I was feeling brave (oh, and Mattix was totally out of food), so we made the trip to Whole Foods, which of course meant we had to eat lunch at the cafe next door. My mom met us for lunch and our grocery shopping trip and we had a nice couple of hours. We hit traffic on the way home, and I started to panic a little. After about 15 minutes of babbling and occasional grunting, the car was filled with silence. I was a little worried, as I’m still having paranoia issues, but I knew he fell asleep. Without his bottle. He also plays with his toes and feet a lot when he’s lying down, which is something he never did. He does it in lieu of flipping out during about half of his diaper changes, which is so great

He’s doing amazingly well when we eat out. Again, I mentioned this the other day, but it just keeps getting easier. Today was a LONG day. Mattix and I picked up my mom and we met a childhood friend and her mom (who is my mom’s very best friend) at a bridal store, as my friend is getting married. Mattix was a champ. He actually enjoyed hanging out in the bridal store for an hour and a half! Then, we went next door for lunch, where he sat in a high chair for over an hour, munching on pita bread and playing with straws, napkins, and plastic cups! This evening, my parents, my mom’s best friend, her husband, my childhood friend, Ed, Mattix and I went to one of our favorite VNese restaurants for dinner. We were there for TWO HOURS. Seriously. Two hours. I have to say that Mattix LOVES VNese food! Seriously. Rice and pho (minus the beef) are his favorites. My boy’s a champion eater, so he spent a good hour plus working on his dinner, but holy crap, two hours in a high chair! This is the same kid that wouldn’t sit still long enough for either Ed or I to slam down a little food while we were in Vietnam. And he was happy. And so was everyone at the table, because watching him suck in noodles is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. (I actually have to catch it on video before he stops doing it. I’ll post it when I do. ) It was an hour past his bedtime when we got home. This would usually result in a very difficult bedtime routine, but instead he was so happy it was contagious.  All three of us were laughing uncontrollably. Even when we slathered him in steroid cream and Vaseline, even when we gave him three droppers full of antibiotics (well, he cried, but stopped right afterwards), he smiled. What a great day.  

And finally, the most important thing that’s happened over the past month: he has become genuinely happy to see Ed and me. I’m not going to go off the deep end and claim we’re all completely bonded, because I don’t know that, but the way his face lights up in the morning when we take him out of the crib, the way he bounces up and down and giggles, the way he reaches out for us, makes me think that he’s starting to like us a little. When we were out with my mom for lunch the other day, I left the table to get more iced tea. He nearly flipped out of his high chair so that he could turn around and watch me, keeping me in his sight the entire time. As I approached the table, he smiled, squealed and insisted on being picked up. Wow. I didn’t expect that. He’ll still go to just about anyone that wants to hold him, but he’s much more hesitant now, and if it’s someone he doesn’t know well, he’ll lean back towards Ed or I pretty quickly.

I found this entry from our travel journal; I wrote it the day we met him:

We’re slightly concerned because of his lack of a meltdown when we left the orphanage. I think a meltdown often means that a baby was bonded to someone there and is having a hard time being separated. That’s good because it means the baby was able to form a bond with someone, indicating that he should be able to form a bond with his new parents without too much difficulty. Mattix was so quiet. Maybe that was his way of dealing with the change. We’ll see…

 …and this one:

 He was super quiet and looked at each of us intently. He went to me with no problems (not necessarily a great thing) and let me hold him while he just looked at me. He didn’t squirm or cry, just hung out while I held him and talked to him. He was so quiet! I handed him to Ed, and he did the same thing.

I’ll admit that I had prepared myself for Mattix to cry and outwardly grieve. He never did that. He was so quiet. He didn’t want us to hold him and didn’t care who took him. I’m certainly not saying that he didn’t grieve,  because I think he did, but he didn’t do it outwardly. I think he does a lot of his grieving at night. It’s hard to tell. I think he internalizes a lot and becomes very quiet and maybe even checks out a little when he’s frightened or overwhelmed. However, I know that at the time I was worried because it truly didn’t seem like he bonded to anyone in particular at the orphanage. I remember thinking about how I’d seen so many family’s photos and videos from their children’s orphanage, where at least one nanny was sad and sometimes even a little teary to see the child leave. Maybe “that” nanny wasn’t working on the day we were there to pick up Mattix…I don’t know. What I do know is that he responds to our love now. He may not feel the same depth of love for us, and I don’t expect him to feel that yet, but he certainly seems to enjoy our affection and attention and he prefers it to the affection of other people, both strangers and family.

And so that’s where we stand, one month after coming home. Nights are still long and hard, but at least Mattix knows we’re here for him. He’s continuing to get to know us, to test limits, to grow, to play, to enjoy being a baby. It’s been a crazy month, by far the most emotional, exhausting, and rewarding month of my entire life. I never knew I could experience such varied emotions all at once. I never knew that I could be so scared one night and so elated the next, only to be that scared again the following night. It’s incredible and I’m blessed. I still don’t expect a single thing from him, so maybe that’s why each of these things about which I’ve written are so unbelievably magical to me. I don’t now. I just know that I feel like the most fortunate person on earth.

Oh, and I’m getting the stink eye a lot less!

I can’t not include a few photos!

Excuse me! Excuse me! Is this humidifier turned on? My skin’s a little dry.

Wassup, Ladies!

Why don’t they buy any good toys?

Future basketball star!

Lucky for you, I’m all out of captions. This one is just ’cause he’s cute!

A Boy and His Dog(s)

Well, the good news is that Mattix is hitting Ed and I a lot less.  The bad news is that he’s taken to beating on this little thing:

I feel kinda guilty and here’s why: I’m quite pleased that I’m no longer on the receiving end of the smack downs every single time. I really prefer to share the love. Plus, she sort of deserves it. This animal uses our entire house as one big toilet. She’s skating on thin, thin ice. We bought her at the end of October, just about a month before we traveled (thinking there wasn’t a shot in hell we’d travel before the new year). We were TOLD she was 12 weeks old, but once we had her home, it became apparent that she probably wasn’t much older than eight weeks. I feel badly even admitting this, but the reason she ended up with us is because we had to let our amazing dog Reese go just a week earlier.

Reese was only seven years old and was truly the neatest animal to walk the earth. She was a survivor for sure. She was born with a congenital lung defect that we of course weren’t aware of when we bought her. However, even if I could have gone back and done things differently (i.e., chosen a different dog) and saved $10,000 plus in vet bills over her seven years of hard-fought-for life, I would NOT have done it. She had an amazing spirit. Putting her to sleep was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my adult life. I had to do it because my husband couldn’t.  We have an amazing vet who came out to my parent’s house (b/c their beautiful, lush, giant back yard was her favorite place on earth). She wasn’t scared; she was a little confused, but not at all scared. She passed in my arms with her beloved red ball by her side after playing fetch for an hour (even though she was not well at all).  Anywhoo, now that I’m bawling my eyes out…

Unfortunately, Reese’s passing was VERY hard on this dog:

We brought Reese and Gidget home within one week of each other and they spent all of their lives as “best friends.” Seriously. They spooned at night. I’m not being funny. They spooned. They cuddled. They did other things, but I’m not going to talk about it here because it’s not appropriate.  They loved each other so much it was almost a little strange.

Here they are when we were working on Mattix’s room, shortly after his referral:

So when Reese died, Gidget was a wreck. You might be able to tell from the photos – Gidget is a big-boned girl. She doesn’t mess around with food. She likes to eat. She actually doesn’t overeat, but she certainly doesn’t miss a meal. After Reese died, she stopped eating entirely. Gidget skipping a meal is like me skipping a meal. If it happens, you know there’s a BIG problem. She wouldn’t eat anything for days. I had spent the last two weeks of Reese’s life COOKING for her (I don’t cook anything for anyone) and feeding her strange concoctions with my fingers. Towards the end, I was literally laying by her each morning and night for an hour doing everything I could to get her to lick weird combinations of food off of my fingers. I SO wasn’t going to do that for my healthy dog, even though I understood how sad she was.

We tried sending her to my parent’s house while she adjusted because she also loves my parent’s dog. Unfortunately, Gidget loves me way too much and being away from me was even more difficult (Reese was Ed’s dog and Gidget is mine). We tried bringing my parents dog to our house, but my dad has some serious personal issues and loves his 8 pound Chihuahua a little too much (yes it’s true, male testosterone really does decline with age…this is the man that had large hunting dogs his entire life). So the only solution we could think of was to bring another dog into our house. I wasn’t up for it. I missed Reese so much. I wanted her back. I cried myself to sleep at night and I would cry more every morning when I realized I couldn’t go outside with her and throw her red ball that she loved more than anything. So the idea of a new dog was upsetting, but I knew Gidget needed a buddy. Not the best reason to bring a new pet into the home, but what can we say? We were desperate. I was honestly worried that Gidget might die of a broken heart.

So along came this:

I loved Reese b/c she was 19 pounds of solid Daschund muscle. That dog could run like nobody’s business, even with one lung full of fluid and an enlarged heart. She had amazing determination. We had her de-barked (I know it sounds horrible, but it was that bad) TWICE and both times, she worked at it until her vocal cords grew back. She ended up with the bark of a very large dog, which was hilarious.  Nobody told Reese what to do, period. But it didn’t matter because she always just knew what to do.  Every morning, she wanted to go outside and refused to come in until the sun went down, at which time she demanded excessive amounts of cuddling and human attention.

I didn’t want an identical dog because that just weirded me out, but Ed and I both wanted another athletic Daschund that looked different. So I started calling around. Everyone had minis b/c Paris Hilton dogs are all the rage. Unlike my father and his declining male hormones, I did not want a purse dog. I finally found a woman who told me that although this dog was not a standard, it certainly was not a mini and that she should end up somewhere between a mini and a standard. 

One word: LIAR.

So now we have a five pound hellion that spends her days stealing Mattix’s toys, chewing them up, defecating and urinating everywhere, and generally wreaking havoc. But damn is she cute. And sweet.

My parents watched our dogs while we were in VN and my mom swore up and down that Slinky was potty trained. Well, if my mom’s not lying (and I don’t think she is), Slinky must not have gotten the memo that the no-crapping-in-the-house policy applies to both my parents house AND our house.

So, when I noticed Mattix giving her a good beat down today, I briefly thought, “Karma, baby.” He doesn’t do it to Gidget, who is the world’s most loving animal. She follows Mattix everywhere, lies down by him, and anxiously awaits the moment where he grabs and pulls on a chunk of her hair because that’s how Mattix rolls. It pleases her to no end to be on the receiving end of his attention/strange affection that it does not matter that such attention is painful. She lies on the floor by his changing table while he screams about diaper changes, she sleeps by his door, she guards him like he’s her little puppy.

But the little dog?

She steals his toys, takes his teething biscuits directly out of his mouth, drinks out of his bottles, and steals her own toys back from Mattix. (Yes our kid plays with the dogs’ toys. I do draw the line at the placing-of-the-rawhide-bone-in-the-mouth  move, so I’m not that bad.) She is, however, an incredibly sweet dog. Besides stealing everything that belongs to him, she’s good with Mattix. Plus, Mattix steals her stuff, too. She’s playful, she’s not even remotely aggressive, and when Mattix is giving her a good beating like he was today, she actually stands there and takes it (this brings her intelligence into question, but whatever).

And so I’m left with guilt. My dad fell in love with her while we were in Vietnam and offered me fifty bucks more than we paid for her. (Total joke, but he really would take her in a second. Slinky got along incredibly well with his little excuse for a dog, who also happens to be very sweet). But then we’d have the same problem. Gidget would be heartbroken.

Before I forget to mention it and you think I’m a terrible mom for putting my baby on the floor with dogs that scare him so much he feels it necessary to beat them, he really likes the dogs and they don’t scare him a bit. He just beats Slinky for sport. He was fascinated with them from the minute we came home from Vietnam. Every morning before breakfast, he insists on being put down on the floor with them for a few minutes so that he can say “hi,” and sometimes when he’s inconsolably upset and crying, the dogs are the only thing that will calm him.

On a serious note, I think Mattix is just learning boundaries, and that’s a great step in the right direction. Maybe not many internationally adopted children hit or act out physically after they came home, but I have a hard time believing that Mattix is the ONLY one. I know it has a lot to do with the age at which he joined our family. I’m well aware of the fact that his behaviors are very different than those of a child who comes to their family at say, five or six months old, but still…  

Anyway, it’s not okay for him to take his frustration out on Ed and I and he realizes that. He’s one smart kid. We tell him no and firmly take his hand away from our face/head/chest (wherever he’s hitting), then open his hand and touch our face lightly with his hand and say “Gentle.” He gets it. He may test it, but he understands. So I guess the next best thing is the dogs.

Although I’m being a smart ass, we’re really not letting him smack around the five pound puppy, even though she probably deserves it. We’re working on it as well.

Here they are going at it over the drain plug that Mattix jacked from the cupboard. Because it was technically a stolen good when Mattix took possession, I let them battle it out.

I know the dogs wonder what we were thinking, bringing this little man into their territory. They can’t even get to their water dishes any more. He either empties them by splashing the water everywhere, or he creates barriers.  They have to eat really quickly while I prevent Mattix from stealing their food. He made it to their food dishes eight (I counted) times tonight, even getting a few bits in his mouth before they finished up. The good news is that they let him have at it without any resistance.

This morning I heard a lot of banging around the water dish. It was Gidget, signaling for help. She was VERY thirsty. I went over and found this:

So I removed the plastic bowl, only to find this:

And of course Mattix had hidden this at the bottom:

Lest you think one of the dogs hid their bone at the bottom of the pile, Mattix really does steal their stuff. He learned how to be a thief from Slinky. She’s a sneaky one. She stockpiles all of Mattix’s toys under the giant ottoman in the loft b/c it’s low to the ground and I only move it to vacuum.

Here’s Mattix, giving Slinky a taste of her own medicine:

Slinky: “Oh hell, here he comes”

Slinky: “Crap, he got it again.”

Mattix: “Heeeeyyyyyy-ohhhhhh. It’s mine, now!”

Matitx” “Arrrggg. The big blond lady is telling me to put them down again.”

Slinky: “Ha! Mine again!”

Mattix is doing great. Not with the puppy beatings – he’s still really into those. But with everything in general. I truly am astounded and humbled by him. Every time that I think about how hard this adjustment is on me, I fully realize that I have NO idea what an adjustment is. NO idea. I anticipated this adjustment. This was OUR choice. Mattix is having to adjust to something over which he has no control. I can’t even imagine how his world was turned upside down and yet he blows me away daily. He laughed and smiled so much today that I was overwhelmed.

I do have more serious things to post; I’ll try to get to those tomorrow. I just needed a little lighthearted stupid humor to get me through the night, which is setting up to be a long one (and it’s only 11:10!).

For everyone who is waiting for I600 approval: I am thinking of you daily (and stalking your blogs every chance I get). Truly. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you wait to receive the single email that will allow you to meet your little ones.

PW Protected Posts

I sent out the password to those who requested it earlier today, but if I mistakenly left you off the email (which is entirely possible b/c I’m so damn tired), please leave me a comment or send me an email. Also, if you haven’t asked but would like the PW, please send me an email or leave a comment with your blog address. (OurValentinesDayTreat@yahoo.com)

 Thanks!

Protected: What do you think?

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Eleven Months Old!!!

“I am getting so old. It’s just depressing. I need a moment.”

Mattix is eleven months old today. Eleven months. I can’t even believe it for a few reasons. One, we were “supposed” to have him home at five or six months old. so it’s hard to wrap my mind around that fact the I’m flying blind here, parenting an almost-one year old. Second, I love him just the way he is and I don’t want him to grow up! While we were waiting to travel (you know, for nine months), I truly never sat around and thought about what I was missing. It didn’t bother me that I didn’t get to see him roll over for the first time, sit up for the first time, crawl for the first time, etc. I don’t know if that makes me a crappy mom, but it’s the truth. I mostly sat around and ate thought about what HE was missing. It bothered me each and every day that HE was missing out on parents, that HE was missing out on having someone to hold him at night, that HE was missing out on having someone to love him just because he’s who he is. Now that he’s home with us, I still don’t feel badly about what I missed, although I do feel badly about what he missed. HOWEVER, I’m enjoying the present. I love watching him crawl, bounce, try to stand up, etc., and it makes me sad to know that these phases will pass soon. I will admit that I would llllooovvveee it if the sleeping issues passed, but I have a feeling the one stage I’d like to go away is the one that will hang around for the longest. Oh well!

“Stupid lady and her camera.”

 Here’s a little happy summary of Mattix’s progress right now. I can make a list of not-as-happy things, but I’ll save that for another day b/c his progress truly is astounding:

• He crawls like crazy. When he first came home, he was really into the elephant walk where he would “walk” on all fours – arms and legs extended straight. Now he seems too busy for that and if he’s got somewhere to go, he’s gotta get there fast!
• He stands up on his own, sometimes for 30 seconds at a time. Every few days, he seems to decide it is “practice standing up day,” because he does it all day long and really concentrates each time. If he has trouble, he gets really frustrated and grunts a lot.
• He’s starting to get really pushy about eating people food. (I know the pureed garbage in the little glass jars that he eats is technically people food, but I feel like calling it that requires a huge stretch of the imagination becuase it usually smells like dog vomit. I’ll eat just about anything, but I could be starving to death and I’d pass.) When we eat out, which is happening a little too frequently, he’s not so keen on eating his liquid “food” while we eat the good stuff. We have to share a little. That *should* motivate me to really think before I order…but I don’t want to talk about that.
• He growls a lot less.  Don’t get me wrong, he still growls, but not nearly as much as he did during the first three weeks or so. Sounds silly, but it quickly became apparent to us that his growling was an aggression/frustration thing, so to hear it less is good. 
• He claps less. This is also great. While watching kids clap is very, very cute, and while we thought it was adorable at first, we started paying attention to what was going on when he would clap. He was pretty much only clapping when he was being forced to so something he didn’t want to do (e.g., lay on our laps with a bottle, lay down for a diaper change, etc.) and he would clap in an attempt to influence us to stop, or he would clap for attention. The latter bothered me the most.  I know all kids do things for attention, but it upset me to see him doing his best to act cute, smiling and clapping, just so that someone would notice him. It was obviously a learned behavior, probably out of necessity, so that’s why I’m glad he’s clapping less.  
• He smiles a lot, makes a lot more eye contact, and laughs up a storm.
• He gets excited to see Ed and I. Truly excited. He giggles and reaches for us. Today I got out of the car and went to the backseat to take him out of the car seat. He giggled, bounced up and down, and threw his arms out towards me. It wasn’t the first time, but for some reason today I almost cried.
• He mimics a lot. He and Ed started playing a little game in the high chair. When Mattix gets annoyed or frustrated, he makes a really loud, pissed-off sounding grunt-type noise. Over and over and over. It can honestly get a little irritating, especially to Ed (aka Super Mom…Mattix found your krypton, buddy.  Not so perfect now, are ya?). When we would get ready to take Mattix out of the high chair, Mattix would arch his back and make his noise over and over while we removed the tray and picked little pieces of regurgitated food off of his lap and stomach until we unstrapped him and took him out. Ed started a little game with him – when Mattix would throw his stomach out and arch his back and make his grunting noise, Ed would lightly push his tummy back and say, “Ahhhhhhhh.” After a few days, Mattix started doing it himself, even when Ed wouldn’t push his tummy back. So now, he arches his back, makes his “Huuuuhhhhh” noise, then slumps forwards and says, “Aaaaahhhh” and giggles.  He used to make that grunting noise a lot when he was playing and would become frustrated or annoyed, but now he’ll just be playing with his toys all by himself, going “Huuuuhhhhhh……..Ahhhhhhhhhhh” and giggling over and over.  I love it.
• He is becoming affectionate. I give him a million kisses and short hugs all day long, but they are very brief and I never expect anything in return. I don’t want to frustrate or overwhelm him with my affection and it doesn’t hurt my feelings that he doesn’t return it 98% of the time because, well, why would he? However, maybe once a day, he takes it upon himself to kiss or hug me (and the same for Ed). His kisses are a little different – he fully opens his mouth and busts out some tongue, but it’s very clear what he’s going for. I read that when children first learn to give kisses, they are open-mouthed. Haven’t run across any info on the tongue, but for now I’m not sayin’ anything. And he also gives little hugs. Last night at bath time, he crawled over to me, climbed into my lap, and leaned in for a hug. He LOVES his baths and gets very excited while the water is running b/c he knows what’s coming. I think the idea of the bath just made him so happy he had to share his excitement.
• And speaking of baths, he LOVES his baths. LOVES them. I’ve never seen a kid soooo excited to climb into a big bath. He’s still a little freak about his toys, but I think it’s adorable. It’s going to be interesting one day when he actually really does have to share, but for now, he can hog his bath toys all he wants.
• He’s learning to flirt with the ladies. He broke out his moves tonight on my walk with our neighbor and really close friend K. It was so cute. She’s great with kids and adores him and he so knows it. He was really workin’ her with his little side glances, coy smiles, and pretend bouts of shyness. It was the first time he’s done that.
• There’s a lot less bitch slappin’ going on around here. And that’s nice.

I know there’s so much more, but I’ll leave it there for now. Angie sent me an email and mentioned that if I re-read the posts, I would see his progress. Well, I went back and skimmed a few and you are so right! Each time I had a near-meltdown at his pediatrician’s office when we would talk about his institutionalization and the effects it had/continues to have on him, she would just say, “Laura, kids are resilient. You have to remember that. I understand why you’re upset, but just remember that they are resilient.” And she’s right. Don’t get me wrong – I am NOT saying that everything’s peachy around here and it’s like we’ve been a family forever and we’re all bonded and blah, blah, blah. Give me a break. We’ve been home three and a half weeks. However, kids ARE resilient. His progress in just five weeks really is astounding. 

And adults are resilient, too, by the way. MY progress is astounding. I’m awesome! (Please don’t miss the sarcasm. I really don’t think I’m awesome.) I no longer curl up into the fetal position and rock back and forth when I have to take Mattix out alone. You think I’m messin’ around, but I’m not. Okay, I didn’t actually curl up into the fetal position, but I may have done a little rocking. The incredible level of anxiety has decreased to a manageable one that comes and goes. It’s sooo not gone, but I’m getting there.  I’m still embarrassingly inept at many things, but that’s okay.

I don’t want to tarnish his happy eleven month progress report with the story about the wad of flying poo, so I’ll save that for tomorrow, but let me just tell you that I had flashbacks of the last time I was bent over in the corner, gagging, trying not to vomit. Only this time I was alone and there was nobody to help, and the poo wasn’t in the diaper, it was ON. THE. FLOOR. That’s right, I said on the floor. And Ed wasn’t available to pick it up. Uggghhhh…..

Mattix wakes up with the best bed head!

“Listen up, Mr. Glow Worm. I know you’re lying face down on the floor, but I want to be sure we understand each other. This is MY orange plastic toy. Mine. MINE. Do not touch it. DO. NOT. TOUCH. IT. Thank you very much. Have a nice day.”

Last week we thought Mattix might be a dermatologist when he grows up, then later in the week we were thinkin’ maybe a break dancer. But judging by today’s fun with a freezer bag full of feminine hygiene products that Mom threw under the cabinet after getting home from VN, we’re thinkin’ gynecologist might just be a possibility…

And Daddy probably doesn’t know this, but thong-style panty liners make wonderful guitar pics. Ed puts his cheap guitar on the floor b/c he thinks it might just inspire Mattix’s musical abilities. Little does Ed know Mattix has other things in mind…